Every Big Bang Theory Character Ranked Randomly, We Tried To Watch It, We Just Couldn’t Do It

Posted on by Dan Rice

Like many Americans, we’re behind on our clickbait quota, and our mom has been on our case to watch “The Big Theory.” We figured we would kill two birds with one stone. We would finally watch the show mom swears we’ll love so we have something to talk about at Thanksgiving besides whose died in our hometown this year, and then do a ranking of all the characters. “What could go wrong?” We literally asked that out loud to ourselves, such was our hubris.

Holy bazinga this show is bad. Are we using that right? We really wouldn’t know, because two and a half random episodes of this even-by-Chuck_Lorre-standards drivel of a show is all we could sit through. There are twelve seasons of this? How?! Well, we’ve gotten used to disappointing our mom, but not our editor, so as promised, here are the characters of “The Big Bang Theory” ranked by closing our eyes and shuffling the names around on a spreadsheet.

35. Eric Gablehauser

Coming in dead last is Dr. Eric Gablehauser because let’s face it, that’s where we placed him randomly with our eyes closed. According to the fan Wiki, he’s the main character’s mean boss, so maybe fans would agree? It’s hard to say but if we’re accidentally right, hey, we’ll take it!

34. V.M. Koothrappali

He’s Raj’s Dad, and that’s about all the fan sites have to say about him, so it’s probably fine that he’s ranked so low. Oh my god, are we nailing this? I think we are. We can’t wait to ignore all the “Big Bang Theory” Reddit boards when they discuss these rankings and then go to sleep alone.

33. Stephanie Barnett

This is a direct quote from the fan wiki—”Stephanie’s primary role in the show is being Leonard’s girlfriend.” Kind of highlights a lot of the reasons we could not get into this show.

32. Beverly Hofstadter

We know what you Big Bang heads must be thinking—”How can you rank Leonard’s neuroscientist Mom so low on the list?!” The answer is we essentially pulled these out of a hat, and we’re having trouble recollecting which one Leonard is.

31. Mrs. Koothrappali

We didn’t catch an episode with her in it, but we’re willing to bet Chuck Lorre’s 2D caricature of an Indian mom makes every “Dharma and Greg” character seem as flushed out and complex as Tony Soprano.

30. Mary Cooper

Oh, Sheldon’s mom is a born-again Christian? I bet that’s funny for like, one beat, and then joylessly played over again and again for 12 years.

29. President Siebert

Actually, this is the one deliberate ranking on this list. That’s right, we at the Hard Times believe President Siebert belongs at exactly #29 on this list, and it’s a hill we WILL die on. You hear me Siebert-heads?! Siebert nation, stand down and don’t @ us!

28. Halley Wolowitz

Halley is a child. We have no idea what she adds to the show. Let’s just move this along.

27. Dave Gibbs

According to Wikipedia he’s a founding member of the Boston power-pop band Giglo Aunts. That can’t be right. This character looks like someone familiar, someone important to the world of pop culture who might have created a decent sitcom.

26. Richard Williams

I guess someone’s boss is like an Air Force guy? Like in “I Dream of Jeannie?” Honestly, that’s the move. If your show is going to be this cookie-cutter and lazy just go all the way and throw in a sex genie.

25. Wyatt

At first, the Wyatt storyline was an intriguing part of the show’s cerebral hook, but like many of its early mysterious yet promising elements it didn’t materialize into much with the latter seasons and ultimately doomed the show. Wait, no, that was “Westworld.” What are we doing again?

24. Penny

The fan wiki says she’s the primary female character of the series, an attractive person who is married to a nerd! Can you believe it!? Oh, you can? Commonplace for decades you say? Both in real life and popular media? Hmm. The wiki also lists her IQ as 100. Wow. Just… god, fuck this thing.

23. Kurt

Okay going off just his picture I’m guessing he’s supposed to be the dumb bully. Let’s check the fan wiki and see how I did: “A muscular, but not very educated man, Kurt is arrogant and condescending toward the likes of Leonard and Sheldon.” You could probably write this whole episode with no additional information and your script would be like 80% right.

22. Janine Davis

She’s Caltech’s HR manager who enforces political correctness. “Boo, hiss, bazinga!” (cue laugh track.)

21. Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz

Bernadette is one of the main characters and a microbiologist, so she is presumably very smart. I say presumably because her fan wiki page does not list her IQ, which is odd. After all, it does that for all of the male main characters and the other female lead, which again is exactly 100.  Does this speak volumes about the attitude of this show and its fanbase? Who’s to say? Those are just the facts.

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Jay Weinberg Booted From Slipknot After Lying About Ability to Hook Up Band with Springsteen Tickets

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SIOUX CITY, Iowa — Slipknot announced they parted ways with drummer Jay Weinberg after it was revealed that he exaggerated his ability to use his father’s connections to procure Springsteen tickets, the band’s reps confirmed.

“I didn’t think this lie would come back to bite me on the ass, but after almost ten years in the band they were bound to find out that I can’t actually score Bruce tickets whenever I see fit, let alone nine of them. I just told them I had connections when I was auditioning as a ‘perk’ of letting me in! In reality, most of the time I went to a show I was just my dad’s plus one,” said Weinberg. “But the guys just kept nagging me every time Bruce and the band would go on tour, and I could only blame Ticketmaster for so long before they discovered my ruse.”

Lead singer Corey Taylor said the decision to kick Weinberg out of the band was swift and unanimous.

“It’s one thing to lie, but it’s another thing to string me along thinking that I’m eventually going to see Bruce play ‘Spirit in the Night’ live when in fact the only times he ever hung out with Bruce was at his goddam horse ranch,” said Taylor. “I always thought ‘Iowa’ and ‘Nebraska’ were companion albums, and the band pitched having the E Street Band to play KnotFest with us on six different occasions, but Jay would always come back with some excuse about Bruce needing a break from touring which we all know is bullshit. That dude is a machine. So yeah, he’s leaving the band due to creative differences in that he needs to be more creative about having actual connections.”

Despite the discourse within the band, Bruce Springsteen himself was surprised his name even came up.

“Hang on, Jay was in Slipknot? I thought he was in a jazz quartet or something, at least that’s what he told Max,” said Springsteen. “Well if I can be honest, I don’t know why he’d say they could come to one of our shows when everyone knows I’m way more into ICP. He’s seen how much Faygo I consume. Shaggy, Violent J, those guys have a standing invitation to any show I perform, and I’d love it if they let me wrestle with them a little. Come on Jay, get it together.”

Band reps have also reported Weinberg is attempting a possible reconciliation with the band after proposing he could possibly get Conan O’Brien to hang out with them backstage next week.

Photo by Kaanislek.

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Catholic Church Unveils Limited-Edition Berry Blast Eucharist

Posted on by J. Taylor Lee

VATICAN CITY – The Roman Catholic Church recently unveiled a new limited-edition Berry Blast flavor for the Holy Sacrament of Communion, sources at the Vatican confirmed.

“The Church of Rome has long been beset by an ever decreasing number of youthful congregants,” said Pope Francis in his weekly Angelus address. “But we pray that this delicious new Eucharist will endear us to younger generations. Please trust that our ends are neither nefarious nor perverse. We simply desire for new worshipers to enter our doors, such that we may convince them that ours is the only Church with a path towards salvation, and that to deviate even in the slightest from our teachings is to damn oneself to everlasting hellfire. And that a very tasty snack may entice them to do all this. You know, pretty standard stuff.”

Catholics around the world voiced support for the new culinary improvements.

“I think this is the most exciting thing to come out of the Church since the Second Vatican Council,” said Daniel Denton, a Millennial Catholic who attends Mass regularly. “Don’t get me wrong: I love the Holy Sacrament, but I’ve always said the Body of Christ was a little bland. Like, let me at least get a side of ranch. But this new flavor? So delicious. I’ve been going to Mass eight or nine times a week just to get another taste. I heard they’re going to do more flavors, too. Cheesy Nacho, Flamin’ Hot, Wintermint. Maybe even a PRIME Crossover or something. Now if the Church would just put this flavor out as a vape juice – man, I’m literally salivating right now.”

Katrina Cutrera, Senior VP of Marketing at the Vatican, noted that the Church’s announcement is the culmination of months of preparation.

“We spent considerable sums on market research to develop the perfect flavor and texture. After many weeks of trial and error, we finally settled on this unique gummy consistency, accented by Holy Flavor Crystals,” said Cutrera. “And in support of this new flavor roll-out, we will also be launching a web-based ad campaign. We actually just finished shooting our first commercial. It’s a take on those Trix ads, except instead of cereal, it’s the Body of Christ, and instead of adults trying to get a hold of the delicious treat, it’s Baptists.”

At press time, a contingent of church goers was forming outside the Vatican to protest the new flavor, claiming that, if anything, Jesus was lemon-lime.

A Diva Cup For Men? This Guy Is Peeing In A Jar By His Bed

Posted on by Rose Vineshank

These days, it’s so hard to find a product that works for MY body. There are many goods catered to the woman on the go, but what about the bro on the no-go? What about the gamers of the world who can’t afford to tear themselves away from the screen for even a second? Or the common crust punk, who needs to spend no less than three consecutive days on a floor mattress for something he calls “sweaty-shakey-no-fun time.” If you relate to any of these descriptions, you gotta try peeing in a jar by your bed.

I was like you once, the guy who doesn’t pee in a jar by his bed. If I could go back and talk to my old self I’d say “urine for a real treat.” Gone are the days when “society” forces you to drag yourself all the way down the hallway, past your judgmental roommate Steven, all to do something you’re gonna do again anyway in 5-7 business days. Over are the nights where nosey, incredulous Steven asks “hey did you spray motor oil or like, Coke Zero or something on the toilet seat?” It’s none of your business Steven, YOU go see a doctor!

Now you’re probably wondering a question I get asked a lot: how do you find the right urine jar to accommodate your needs? If you’re like me and you have a heavy, tar-like flow that sometimes burns a hole in the floor, finding the right jar can be, well, jarring! Thankfully, those of us in the lifestyle understand that “piss jar” is a social construct. Your roommate’s coffee mug can be a piss jar. Your grandpa’s urn can be a piss jar. The side of your leg can be a piss jar. The real question is, how committed are you to freedom?

Ever since I started peeing in a jar by my bed, my confidence has been through the roof. I’m pretty sure that’s why Sylvia Plath wrote a poem about it or something. The thing is, once you break out of the matrix, you begin questioning all the rules. Did you know that you can replace water with Mountain Dew and it has no health consequences whatsoever? Once you expand your mind, you realize all those warnings from your doctor, friends, and family were just holding you back. Now if you excuse me, I’ve got a date with sweaty-shakey-no-fun time.

Every The Ataris Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Hey kid, The Ataris are Kris Roe, and Kris Roe is The Ataris; you should let it go like The Lion King’s hyena Elsa if you even think about providing a counterargument. Anyway, former Anderson, Indiana resident, home of the headquarters of the Church of God, the Gruenewald House, the Paramount Theatre, and a bunch of Reggie Miller murals, Mr. Roe, formed The Ataris in 1996, and moved to the ugly city of Santa Barbara, California, down on Haley, Haley Street, just one year later, signed to two-fourths of The Vandals’ Kung Fu Records, and released their debut studio album “Anywhere but Here” to underground acclaim. Even though the band is one of the more successful pop-punk bands, they are quite underappreciated in the genre’s lexicon, and the royals known as Man Overboard should publicly vouch for this band’s inclusion in their defensive military that is always guard from their cruddy hometowns. 

5. Welcome the Night (2007)

Overall, we’re not capable of loving this one, in any kind of “love.” Still, “Welcome the Night” shouldn’t have been as panned by all parties as it first was when released. Basically, it’s not anything more than “good,” which sadly is the bitter enemy of “great,” and on that note, Kris Roe sounds VERY, very bitter here. Also, one album had to be listed last, and none of the other four studio albums, as compilation/laserdisc albums don’t count here, belonged in this dreaded ranking position. If you want to hear the sound of a formerly major label pop-punk band listening to a lot of The Smashing Pumpkins and general scowling, check out “Welcome the Night”. Surprisingly to all but the Omaha Symphony, the band became a seven-piece unit around the time of this record, and we’re still scratching our domes about that one.

Play it again: “Not Capable of Love”
Skip it: “Far from the Last, Last Call” 

4. …Anywhere but Here (1997)

Let’s count right into the fourth position at an abnormally high BPM here by saying that the word “Tongue” is not spelled “Tounge,” which isn’t for anyone but Gene “I Say Dumb Things On The Interweb” Simmons, so whomever uploaded said incorrectly typed word to DSPs for The Ataris’ debut “…Anywhere but Here” studio album should be left alone in Santa Cruz forever, be blinded by unkind crust punks/nerds with bleach, left questioning whether they are here or there for a millennium, and ashamed of themselves for the duration of their sick lives. Still, ellipses are cool, and a revisit of this 1997 LP took us back to said year, which also was when the like-minded blink-182 released “Dude Ranch,” Pennywise came out with “Full Circle,” Green Day put “Nimrod” out there, and Janet Jackson launched the Fat Mike endorsed “The Velvet Rope” to the masses.

Play it again: “Make It Last”
Skip it: “Sleepy”

3. Blue Skies, Broken Hearts…Next 12 Exits (1999)

You’re better off without your boyfriend or the endearing, youthful, gangster, and racially tolerant character Calogero from “A Bronx Tale” but not its now disgraced actor Lillo “I Pissed Myself On ‘The Sopranos’” Brancato, as Mr. Brancato’s sordid tale, which can be read via a Google search, is forever breaking our hearts; life makes no sense sometimes. The Ataris’ sophomore LP, “Blue Skies, Broken Hearts…Next 12 Exits” contains the debut of one of the more revered songs in the band’s catalog, “I Won’t Spend Another Night Alone Or Any More Money On Rings, Broken Promises, Hotels Pricier Than A Super Eight, Or TurboGrafx-16 Games Not Named ‘Bonk’s Adventure.’” This is the first album from The Ataris to contain very little filler and the one-two-three-four-five punch from tracks one through five could’ve been an EP that would have been in a top five pop-punk extended plays of all time!

Play it again: “Your Boyfriend Sucks”
Skip it: “Answers”

2. End Is Forever (2001)

This #2 slot is not only the silver medalist for The Ataris’ catalog, but it is their best-recorded record at the time, regardless of your dumb take on its two predecessors. Honestly, our gold medal LP depends on the day of the week, but “So Long, Astoria” wins at least 87% of the time, and certainly does on this cold day in the fall of 2023. You’re not punk, so we’d like to give props to the band for a Jawbreaker reference, a Descendents and not the 2011 critically acclaimed movie with George “Not Amal” Clooney, Shailene “I Survived Both ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ and Aaron Rodgers” Woodley, Matthew “The Best Part of ‘Scream’” Lillard, and Beau “I Am Not Lloyd or Jeff Bridges but I Played the Dad in ‘Sidekicks.’” and a Contra reference. 

Play it again: Beginning to end (and forever keep doing such)
Skip it: We will find you, you angry nerds, you, if you skip a second of this LP

1. So Long, Astoria (2003)

Punk fans typically hate a revered and formerly indie act’s major label debut, but we can’t justify said outlook here, and back this record’s ranking with all of our being, as all you plebs can ever learn is what you already know. The three band members not named Roe on this release include Mike “Michael” Davenport on bass, John “ny” Collura on lead guitar, and Chris “Not Kris” Knapp on drums. Respect. We also want to give thanks to the current three members of The Ataris as of this date in 2023 not called Kris: Dustin “Phillip” Phillips on drums, Dale “Not Chip or Richard” Nixon on lead guitar, and Danny “Says” Duke on bass. Props. Like its former, we cannot justify omitting a single song on “So Long, Astoria” from a front to back listen. Bite us, Jerry Garcia.

Play it again: Astoria, Queens
Skip it: Any other Astoria

John Darnielle Reveals Syllabus For Upcoming Album

Posted on by Ryan Sims

DURHAM, N.C. – John Darnielle, lead singer of The Mountain Goats, revealed the academic syllabus for the band’s new album “Jenny From Thebes,” leaving many fans feeling nervous about the upcoming release.

“If you do the readings, you have nothing to worry about,” Darnielle said while grading papers in the greenroom. “I don’t think I’m asking too much here. It’s just a few chapters on the archaic and classical periods of Thebes. Then we’ll get into Zeus, Dionysius, Apollo, and all those guys. Also, it’s important to have a topographical understanding of West Texas, or the B-side isn’t gonna make much sense. Textbooks are available at the merch stand. I’m warning everyone now: if I see any peeking at Genius lyrics during the show, it’s an automatic zero.”

One concertgoer was seen cramming for the concert while waiting outside the venue.

“Shit. Shit, dude, I didn’t study at all. I’m so fucked,” said longtime fan Alex Rosenberg, frantically scrolling through The Mountain Goats online wiki. “I’ve been on the verge of failing ever since I wrote that awful essay on Chavo Guerro. If I do bad here, I’ll have to go back to liking Neutral Milk Hotel. I can’t do that to myself again. Do you know if he’s playing ‘No Children’ tonight? I haven’t had a chance to brush up on Florida divorce law. Oh, god, I’m gonna look like a total asshole out there. Why does John do this?”

Peter Hughes, bassist and teaching assistant for the band, elaborated on Darnielle’s pedagogical methods.

“He’s tough but fair,” Hughes shrugged. “Be ready during the solo set, because he likes to call on people. John can tell who hasn’t been doing the readings. A lot of fans will tell you they only like the early stuff–that’s because they couldn’t keep up with the coursework. One time after the show, a fan came up to him asking for extra credit, and John looked him straight in the eyes and grilled him on Chino, California. It wasn’t pretty.”

At press time, Darnielle excitedly announced the album’s liner notes would be in ancient Greek.

The Top 20 Björk Songs to Whisper at Strangers in the Library

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

It’s an everyday dilemma: you have access to so many portals beyond our realm, but have no one to share it with. It’s a beautiful day to steal liquid LSD from your roommate while neglecting your own meds and basic needs. Let’s head on over to the library and whisper Björk lyrics to strangers! This is an ensured way to find a magical gate out of this reality’s dreadful timeline.

“Headphones”

You enter through the side entrance quickly, with headphones on. Being discreet is recommended since you’ve been kicked out of the library many times. Ignore any security guards as you skip along. No time to stop and hear them, you’re too busy listening to Björk!

“Fungal City”

Hiss a few of these lyrics as you walk past the information booth. Environmentalism has always been important to Björk, and it’s a significant cause for you as well. This is why you’ve left a trail of soil from the flowers in your hand, plucked from the planters out front.

“Human Behaviour”

You’re officially inside the library when you realize how strong this LSD is. Your hands. Your beautiful, detailed hands. Just look at them! Try to walk how a human walks. Stop giggling. You begin imitating other people that you see. Try to walk without drawing attention to yourself. Throwing books to the floor and giving strangers the middle finger won’t help.

“I See Who You Are”

Saying these lyrics to anyone in any circumstance is pretty creepy, let alone here in the Biography section on a sunny afternoon to a scared family. The confused mother edges away from you as you continue repeating “I see you who you are” into your sleeve. That’s where your secrets are kept!

“Alarm Call”

A push notification comes through on your phone. You missed another job interview. Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out eventually! Keep on borrowing from friends and family while you spend your time whispering Björk’s poetry to strangers in public spaces. That guy in the stairwell had no idea what you meant by “You can’t say no to hope, can’t say no to happiness,” but just keep dancing along and ignore anyone staring!

“Crystalline”

It’s all completely clear now: the way to access a reality beyond our own is in the library janitor’s closet. How obvious. You just need to find an accomplice on this mission! You head to the computer station to find an unwilling partner. It’s best to walk around with sunglasses on and a hooded sweatshirt pulled up, just so people know you’re sent undercover from cosmic powers beyond our understanding.

“Sorrowful Soil”

Go up to the first person you vibe with at the computer station, sit next to them, and offer them the soil you’ve been hiding in your pockets. They’ll love your kind offer. This is actually the best way to open up the magical realm to an Icelandic wonderland. Remember that the magic only works with tears, so tell sad stories from childhood and cry into your dirty fists. You’ll have a new lifelong friend in no time.

“Sun in My Mouth”

At this point, you should be opening your mouth and staring at everyone in the computer station. Let them see how much of the sun you can fit inside! Growl, if you have to. This is a long-standing Icelandic tradition, you tell yourself. Maybe you invented this tactic at home. It doesn’t matter, you’re already here so might as well commit.

“It’s Oh So Quiet”

You are promptly shushed by all around you. Of course, this is a library after all. Sullen, you sink into a computer chair and try an expired library card to log on. You turn to the person next to you, an elderly man trying to access his insurance info since they’ve gone paperless, but all you do is sing “It’s Oh So Quiet” to him in a harsh raspy voice. He quickly leaves, imagining this is some sort of solicitation.

“All Is Full of Love”

Remember that music video with the robots making love? You try to create that with the computer in front of you. An alarmed member of the library staff pulls you off the machine, while also recognizing that you’re not allowed here. You’ve been banned from this library computer station before for inappropriate searches, but you run away in a sloppy, frenetic escape.

“The Gate”

You are the only one who knows the grand secret of the library: those isolated study rooms are gates to other dimensions, ruled by Icelandic mythology where you are no longer severely in debt and actually have sustainable friendships. You quickly usher out the college students studying inside, then quickly hide beneath a desk and gaze at a spider as library staff runs around searching for you.

“History of Touches”

This is a familiar space. You feel safe here. You’ve taken plenty of books, both officially loaned from the library but also stolen in your overcoat. Feel free to get very close to strangers, perhaps whispering directly in their ears, “I wake you up in the middle of the night to express my love for you.” Then run away and hide as books fall out of your clothes.

“I’ve Seen It All”

Run to the second story windows and press your naked body against the glass. Feel the sunlight. If anyone questions you, speak aloud these lyrics from the ‘Dancer in the Dark’ soundtrack. Point them to the library DVD rental section before inviting them on an enchanted journey through a magical distant world. And don’t forget: always smile!

“Earth Intruders”

You look around you, realizing that time is running short for you to enter the portal to magical netherworlds. The spaceship Earth is moving too fast. Of course: everyone around you is an alien. You try to imagine this world as a Martian, hearing alien tongues clack at you as you twist on the carpeted floor. This security guard calling the cops is definitely some kind of alien. Assure the guard, “I have guided my bones through some voltage and love them still.” He’ll know what you mean.

“It’s Not Up To You”

Security begins ushering you out, as you continue to screech Björk lyrics to anyone within earshot. You cling onto one of those tiny sorting carts with wheels, completely useless as you are dragged to the front lobby. If you sneeze in the security guard’s face, that should be enough distraction for you to make a getaway into the study area. Hurry! Time is running out to leave this Earthly dimension!

“Hyperballad”

Now you’re running though the halls, librarians and security on your heels. Share your love of the 1995 album ‘Post’ by muttering these lyrics to everyone in the Young Adult section. Gen X parents will appreciate you exposing their kids to such a cultural experience as you hide in the aisles. Children love these lyrics, especially when you quietly sing to them through the shelves, “I imagine what my body would sound like slamming against those rocks.”

“Where Is The Line”

You wonder to yourself “Where is the line?” as you jet over library shelves, considering hiding in air ducts. You scurry to the romance section, everyone there completely disinterested in assisting you on your quest for a magical realm of Icelandic beauty, a portal surely hiding in the bricks of this library. If there is a “line,” you’ve crossed it and it’s too far to turn back now. Commit to the bit.

“Birthday”

Sure, it’s technically Björk’s old band The Sugarcubes, but you use these lyrics to remind everyone that it’s actually your birthday. All the more reason for everyone to help you! Ignore the police entering the building as you stack wooden chairs and bean bags. Sing to the responding officers, you’re certain they’re fans of the 1980s Reykjavík alt-rock scene.

“Stonemilker”

As police tackle you to the ground, you begin to sing this song to all around you. Ask the officers, “Who is open-chested and who is coagulated?” When they ask for your name, occupation or address, solemnly reply “Stonemilker” to every question. You left your ID at home but don’t worry: there is a centipede in your shirt pocket that will vouch for you.

“Hunter”

They can throw you out today, but you’ll be back. Even though the LSD is wearing off, you know with dead certainty that there’s a magical gate inside of that library. You quietly make your weekend plans to mumble at people in the library parking lot, spreading the good word of Björk. One day, the world will understand.

Unpaid Child Support Increases by 50% After Godsmack Announces Tour

Posted on by Carter Schenke

LAWRENCE, Mass. — A new government report shows that unpaid child support rose nearly by half following the legendary butt rock band Godsmack’s recent tour announcement, concerned sources confirmed.

“I’m an honest man, I’ve been paying my child support ever since I lost the third court appeal,” said divorced father and die-hard Godsmack fan Chuck Wentworth. “But I just can’t miss this Godsmack tour. The tickets are expensive as anything, but I’m willing to shell out. I mean, my kids are alright, but this is so much more than that. I mean, have you ever heard ‘Cryin’ Like a Bitch’? It’s like poetry, it would make me cry if doing such a thing wouldn’t directly threaten my masculinity.”

Judge Clark Edwards noted the uptick in family court cases every time the band tours.

“It’s something everyone at the courthouse mentally prepares for, kind of like how retail workers prepare for Black Friday,” Edwards said. “At this point I’ve seen every defense. A surprising number of fathers try to play the victim card, they talk about how hard it is having to change jobs every couple of weeks to avoid their paychecks being garnished. I’d probably feel a bit more sympathetic for them if they were the type of divorced dads that spent their checks seeing some washed-up hair metal band, at least that’s a bit more tolerable. But I have no place in my court for anyone who thinks Sully Erna’s soul patch makes him a ‘cool bad boy.’”

Therapist Ashley Foster has noticed the trend, and offered up an explanation as to why Godsmack concerts are so important to this particular demographic.

“It’s a matter of creating a safe space,” said Foster. “What’s the one thing dads skipping out on child support want to be reminded of even less than their kids? Their wives. Godsmack shows create an event that no woman would ever be present at, ensuring that attendees completely minimize the risk of ever being reminded of their wives. It’s a win-win for them in every imaginable way.”

At press time, Wentworth was seen doing donuts with his Harley in a Denny’s parking lot.

Help! This Bartender Is Far Too Intimidating To Ask if They Have a Charger

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

Welcome to my worst nightmare: I’m at a bar far from home, my phone only has 3% charge left, and now I have to ask a favor from this intimidating bartender.

Fuck, this dude knows what’s up. He’s playing Nick Cave while projecting ‘Hausu’. This isn’t a run-of-the-mill dive bar, with a baseball game on TV. This bartender is completely covered in original ink work from esteemed tattoo artists with fees higher than my rent. Damn.

His facial piercings communicate “this was expensive,” with a hint of “fuck you.” He has thick, immaculate facial hair. Black denim, tucked into Doc Martens, with black suspenders over a Death Grips tee. He hasn’t said a word to any customer, except the regular in the corner, and even then it seems like they’re talking shit about everyone else.

“Hey, sorry to ask, I bet you guys get this all the time-” and I’ve already said too much. His eyebrows raise. He could’ve watched 4 TikToks and gotten another tattoo in the time it took for me to blab this question out. “…I know this is super super annoying, sorry in advance, but do you happen to have a charger?” He offers his hand, saying nothing. I guess I’m supposed to give him my phone now? A meek “thank you” escapes my mouth. I look around, realizing how awkward it is without anything in my hands. I pick up a decorative old cloth-bound book from the faux library/fireplace, but the bartender shouts at me to put it back.

I go to the bathroom for any blissful variety and suddenly remember that my phone has had difficulty charging lately. I’ve had to press hard on the charge port or jiggle it around while inside. When I come out of the bathroom, I ask, “Hey, so sorry to be annoying, but my phone doesn’t always charge. It’s old and kinda weird. Could you check and make sure it’s actually charging?” The bartender stares at me with a deep annoyance, too uncaring to be called hatred. He walks to the register, checks my phone and mumbles, “It’s charging, OK?” Fantastic.

The bar starts to get busy so I close out. Now he’s playing Lydia Lunch while projecting ‘Wild at Heart’. Fuck. He’s so cool. It’s about a block away that I realize I’ve left my phone behind, knowing I can never go back for it.

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week Because Our Therapy Lamp Doesn’t Do Anything

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

The once bountiful sunlight of spring and summer is now dwindling, and now it will be nearly absent from your life until March so that farmers can continue to not use alarm clocks unabated. It’s as tragic as it is horrifying, and seemingly there is nothing you can do to stop the impending darkness. Before you consider doing something drastic like waking up at 4 a.m. to get some extra rays like a deranged lunatic, you might want to delve into a new fad sweeping the nation called ‘music.’ Music has been scientifically proven to improve moods and increase stamina, which are two aspects of your life that aren’t up to par even during the warmer months. Without further ado, here are eight songs that might help you feel less like you have a vitamin D deficiency.

MGMT “Mother Nature”

In case you haven’t already heard from your most stoned friend, MGMT announced a new record “Loss of Life,” their first since 2018’s return-to-form “Little Dark Age.” Its lead single “Mother Nature” is their most straightforward stab at indie-pop since their nearly twenty-year-old debut album. This is not to say their style has been watered down, however. The production still offers a bevy of psychedelic fuckery to shock and confuse, leading your aforementioned stoner friend to say things like “woah… the strings are like… real melty dude.”

Cloud Nothings “Final Summer”

Never ones to shy away from experimentation, Dylan Baldi’s indie outfit Cloud Nothings runs the gamut of punk stylings from powerpop to hardcore. Their latest single, “Final Summer,” finds them treading into the land of psych-rock, blending soaring synths with droning guitar work and a catchy – as always – vocal hook nestled firmly in between the aforementioned swirling layers. If you want people to actually come to your shows this winter, take a page out of Cloud Nothings’ book and change things up every once in a while, you coward.

Fucked Up “Spot The Difference”

Twenty-two years into their storied career, Canada’s Fucked Up still sound like they’re just getting started. Their latest single ‘Spot The Difference’ combines their penchant for cathartic scream-along choruses with some serious early Clash-inspired guitars, keeping in theme with their previous single ‘Show Friends’ and proving that the old can always be made vibrantly new again. Before it inspires you to call up your former bandmates, try to remember that you still owe them thousands of dollars and reconsider the gesture.

Natural Sway “Ey You!”

As an infinitely evolving recording project for songwriter and Ohio Indie institution Ryan Eilbeck, Natural Sway has taken on forms as vast as Eilbeck’s hooks are endearing. From experimental drum-machine based solo iterations to full ensemble triumphs, the project seemingly has no shortage of avenues to explore. Its latest album, ‘& The Squished Lilies’ veers toward the latter as a bevy of musicians paints each dreamy arrangement with a warm Midwestern glow. Album highlight “Ey You!” showcases Eilbeck’s inimitable skill for structuring earworm choruses that burrow deep in your already damaged psyche.

Sloppy Jane “Cancer (My Chemical Romance Cover)”

As an inaugural signee of Saddest Factory Records, a label imprint started by the group’s former bassist Phoebe Bridgers, Sloppy Jane has been making their mark with intensely theatrical chamber-pop that brushes up against the world of shock-rock thanks to bandleader Haley Dahl’s inspired performances. Now, they are tackling the white whale of theater nerd indie rock with a cover of My Chemical Romance’s ‘Black Parade’ track ‘Cancer.’ It’s a bold move, but it seems to pay off, as the group manages to inject even more drama into an already devastating arrangement.

Marnie Stern “Earth Eater”

Math-rock legend and one of Rolling Stone’s ‘250 greatest guitarists of all time’ Marnie Stern has just released her fifth studio LP ‘The Comeback Kid,’ her first in a decade. Album highlight ‘Earth Eater’ showcases her frenetic arrangement style as she launches riff after dizzying riff, daring the backing band to keep up with her chaotic twists and time signature changes. Imagine if your failed ‘prog rock’ band had actual talent and the ability to count bars, and you’ll be somewhere in the arena here.

Mannequin Pussy “I Don’t Know You”

In case you missed it, Mannequin Pussy announced their follow-up to 2019’s firestarter of an album ‘Patience.’ The new record ‘I Got Heaven’ is due in March, and the recently shared shoegaze leaning ‘I Don’t Know You’ suggests that the group is steadfast on expanding their already massive sound. Atop a blissed out and droney soundscape, lead singer Marisa Dabice details a developing crush on a passerby, lamenting the fact that she may never cross paths with the stranger again. It’s a relatable concept, but you should be warned that it is not an endorsement for texting your ex again.

Cheekface “Largest Muscle”

Admittedly, Cheekface’s lead singer Greg Katz isn’t sure the heart is actually the largest muscle in a human body as the opening lyric of this song suggests. To stay on the safe side, he also gives several other organs the distinction. Still, the lack of anatomical correctness here shouldn’t stop you from enjoying this deliriously fun Cake meets Talking Heads romp. ‘Largest Muscle’ puts Katz’s wry speak-sing lyricism on full display, tackling personality flaws in a subject you might see yourself in if you had the will to practice self-awareness for even a second.

Were you aware that these songs are included on an official Hard Times playlist? Did you also know that we update it weekly? Click here to like, follow, and never worry about running out of relevant jams again.