Every Waterparks Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Waterparks, Marc Summers’ favorite band not including Alanis, seemingly came out of nowhere in 2016 with their debut full-length album “Double Dare,” and infiltrated the pop-punk, pop-rock, Warped Tour, and Manic Panic with their quirky yet melodic blend of Rolling Rock. Power trios rule, so let’s give praise to vocalist/guitarist Awsten Knight, lead guitarist Geoff Wigington, and drummer Otto Wood; zero accolades are in order for the band’s non-existent bassist. The band also has the impressive but not really, stat of having five albums on four different labels: Equal Vision Records, Hopeless Records, 300 Entertainment, and Fueled by Ramen LLC.

5. Entertainment (2018)

The term “sophomore slump” exists because of “Entertainment,” and nothing else. While this LP is quite good in its own right, in comparison to the other four in the band’s catalog, it has the least amount of replay value, unintentionally making its title the lowest form of such for Waterparks. The band toned down its energy overall from “Double Dare” for this one and sadly the ten tracks suffer as a result. If the album was a 4-6 song EP, it would’ve been insane in a good way, but sadly, since about ⅓ of the songs are ok, this one has to come in last. This is Waterpark’s last EVR release and if you want some tea, Google the drama between Waterparks and the label.

Play it again: “TANTRUM”
Skip it: About ⅓ of it

4. Greatest Hits (2021)

While “Numb” is a top ten Waterparks single, the sixteen other songs on Waterparks’ fourth LP, the meh titled “Greatest Hits” just aren’t up to snuff when compared to the rest of the three-piece’s catalog, and would have truly benefited from almost ⅓ being removed here like what they should’ve done on “Entertainment” and utilized as B-sides, or, gasp, never. We’re not kidding, and we know that you creeps that stan all things Knight are crying over it all at a hot ice bath in a secret location. Still, it is quite admirable that 300 Entertainment released six, YES SIX, singles for “Greatest Hits,” which, and we know that we’ve said the word “⅓” a lot here already, is literally almost ⅓ of the full record. In closing, we want Geoff’s jacket and some Fruit Roll-ups.

Play it again: “Numb”
Skip it: Just under ⅓ of it

3. Intellectual Property (2023)

Fun fact: Waterpark’s fifth and newest LP as of now, “Intellectual Property,” clocks in at exactly thirty-one minutes, and only two of its songs, the last tracks “Closer” and “A Night Out on Earth” are longer than two-minutes-and-fifty-two seconds, showing that the band is more about protein than fat, and that water is neither. We’re sure that it felt like the band snuck out of heaven whilst remaining heavenly when they inked a deal with Fueled by Ramen LLC, current home to Twenty-One Pilots, The Front Bottoms, A Day to Remember, and Celine Dion, and said happiness showcases in the sad songs here, that are still recorded in a way that feels bright and fun. The band also expressed their gratitude towards expletives with the opening track “St*rfucker” and song #9, “Fuck About It” (featuring Blackbear and no *). Basically, they are the three best friends that anyone could have!

Play it again: “REAL SUPER DARK”
Skip it: “RITUAL”

2. Double Dare (2016)

After two DIY self-released EPs, “Airplane Conversations” and “Black Light,” because Waterparks are crust punk AF, and one for Equal Vision Records called “Cluster,” as they are emo-adjacent as heck, Waterpark’s entered the scene with their debut studio album “Double Dare.” This album sets the ADD genre tone that is consistent throughout each Waterparks’ LPs, and we implore you to stay awake for all forty-four minutes and nineteen seconds of this poppy and rockin’ gem of an LP. Within a year of this album’s release, the band were bona fide legit true headliners, and we blame/love Hawaii, America as a whole, Plum Island, and Princess Peach for such; they’ll always be around.

Play it again: “Gloom Boys”
Skip it: “I’ll Always Be Around”

1. Fandom (2019)

If you wished that Waterparks listened to more of your phone conversations, Daft Punk, Fall Out Boy, and “Orange Is the New Black” episodes in aural form, “Fandom” is for you. Like “Intellectual Property,” Waterparks showed that they had no patience for the extraneous, and the longest song here, “[Reboot],” is a whopping three minutes and twenty-two seconds. It would be a crime if you listened to this record without bobbing your head even though proud public words about Waterparks typically makes one easy to hate. In closing, there are SO many other acts out there that deserve your scorn more than this power trio.

Play it again: “Watch What Happens Next”
Skip it: “Never Bloom Again”

Punk John Cage “4’33”” Cover Only 13 Seconds Long

Posted on by Max Barth

ST. LOUIS — A punk tribute to experimental composer John Cage ended with a triumphant thirteen-second cover of his most well-known (and controversial) work “4’33””, an avant-garde piece in which no notes are played.

“‘Cage: Against The Machine’ was a night to explore the work of one of the most punk-rock composers of all time,” says singer Aaron Berk, who arranged and performed the marathon five-minute set. “I was just really inspired by the original work, and thought: what if I did this with a band, but like, way faster? You know, the usual hardcore strategy. It was a huge success, the audience literally didn’t know what hit them. We probably could have played it five or six times in a row without anyone complaining. The crowd was that good.”

Bartender Margaret Engler says the crowd at the tribute concert was overwhelmingly polite but “strange as hell.”

“At first they were just watching the show, but once the beer started flowing a lot of these guys were busting out dice and ‘I Ching’ charts, talking about randomizing my tips and measuring ice cubes,” said Engler on her smoke break. “I even had a guy ask to transpose my telephone number into a scale he could play on his theremin. But I think he just wanted my number. I gotta say, I give these weirdos points for creativity, even though I’m pretty sure the band just stood there for ten seconds and called it a day. ”

A spokesperson for the John Cage Trust, a non-profit whose mission is to “gather, preserve and disseminate” the late artist’s work, applauded the musicians involved in bringing his most potent work back to contemporary audiences.

“We’re enormously impressed with how quickly the event came together, and how the funds raised will go to important archival projects here at the Trust,” said Linda Richert. “The intersection of punk rock and silence is rad as hell, and to our knowledge no one has performed ‘4’ 33’’’ with such unique flair. We’d love to see some other genre-specific takes on the piece, such as a sludge metal rendition that lasts several hours.”

As of press time, Berk was considering renting studio time to record the track as a single.

The 50 Best Songs From New York City Bands That Almost Make the Unaffordable Cost of Living Worth It

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Some say New York City is the greatest city in the world. Those people have either never stepped foot outside of the Tri-State area or only have Indianapolis as a basis for comparison. Either way, some of the best songs ever recorded hail from bands that formed in one of the most expensive cities to live in the world. But just because no one can afford the monthly rent AND groceries in this city anymore doesn’t mean this place isn’t a breeding ground for iconic music.

That being said, here are the top 50 songs from bands that formed in this filthy, malodorous, unaffordable utopia. (Listen along with the playlist)

50. King Missile “Detachable Penis” (1992)

Of all the songs about a penis that can detach from your body and it getting misplaced after a night of partying, this one reigns supreme. Hands down. No question about it.

49. Fountains of Wayne “Stacy’s Mom” (2003)

“Stacy’s Mom” is poppy, catchy, and extremely easy on the ears, so it kind of has no business being written by a band formed in NYC considering the song’s lack of grit, aloof coolness, or overall “fuck you” sentiment. But hey, even New Yorkers have good days sometimes. That day is usually payday right before all that money is immediately siphoned off elsewhere.

48. Gogol Bordello “Start Wearing Purple” (2005)

Nothing makes you want to swing from a chandelier with a dagger in your mouth while dressed like a 19th-century seafarer at a boisterous tavern in the East Village that was established in the 1930s more than this band. It’s one of the thousands of ways to have a good time in this city.

47. Asobi Seksu “News Years” (2006)

Shoegaze has a place in the New York City music scene, though it seems to be a small pocket located in a five-block radius maybe somewhere in Alphabet City. Regardless, Asobi Seksu is near the top of the list of bands that are into swirling ethereal tones and rent that’s 70% of your income.

46. Sick of It All “Step Down” (1994)

Nowhere in the country excelled at NYHC better than New York. Not even Los Angeles. It’s just something we’re proud of, like the bagels, city skyline, and being able to throw garbage directly onto the street with little to no regard for your surroundings.

45. Television “Marquee Moon” (1977)

We are contractually obligated to include Television on a list of iconic songs from bands formed in NYC. Their impact cannot be overstated either. The group went on to influence a ton of other bands who are arguably better and financially more successful. Someone had to pave the way without getting any credit from the mainstream.

44. Nada Surf “Popular” (1996)

“Popular” was a weird little song from the mid-90s that put the band on the map. The lyrical content either satirized life as a popular student in high school or was a genuine step-by-step guide to becoming the most liked person in your graduating class. Still to this day no one knows for sure.

43. Quicksand “Fazer” (1993)

Quicksand never really had the mainstream success they probably should have despite their handsome sound. Prior to being in Quicksand, musician Walter Schreifels was a part of Gorilla Biscuits and Youth of Today, so the band’s resume was more than qualified to quickly move up the ranks.  

42. Vampire Weekend “A-Punk” (2008)

While the indie sleaze bands of the era inspired the world to smoke Marlboros and make alcoholism look quirky, Vampire Weekend encouraged us to share a charcuterie board and exactly one glass of wine with a close group of friends who all have their shit together. A real change-of-pace indie band.

41. Madball “New York City” (1994)

Beatdown hardcore is a genre that is under-recognized on a national level. For instance, there are zero of these types of bands in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Are we, as a country, sure that Kiss belongs in the Hall of Fame over legends like Madball? The only thing Kiss influenced was a gross overindulgence of merch ideas.

40. Swans “Stay Here” (1983)

Swans’ album “Filth” sounds exactly like what would happen if a bunch of construction tools and pallet jacks gained sentience in an abandoned warehouse in Willets Point in Queens, microdosed Benedryl, and somehow made a record in the middle of the night as an excuse to pass the time. It’s that good.

39. Blonde Redhead “23” (2007)

Legend has it that members of Blonde Redhead met at an Italian restaurant in New York City. Good luck trying to figure out which one though since there are like 2,500 of them in the area. But hopefully they went with one of the ones that offer unlimited breadsticks.

38. The Casualties “We Are All We Have” (2009)

The Casualties seemed like they formed near a dumpster in the Lower East Side that they all frequented. They likely meet at the trash receptacle once a year and smoke a cigarette to commemorate the anniversary of the band’s genesis. This is how legends are formed in New York.

37. New York Dolls “Personality Crisis” (1973)

New York in the ‘70s sounded like it was batshit wild. Many will tell you that it was an unmanageable crime-ridden metropolis that had serial murdering sprees like Son of Sam. But rent cost the same as a monthly Peacock subscription today and the New York Dolls played punk before punk was even a thing. So besides all the homicides, it sounded pretty sweet.

36. Bayside “Devotion and Desire” (2005)

Bayside is so New York that they named themselves after a neighborhood in Queens. Legend has it that they were on their way to a New Found Glory show to hand the band their demo and wrote “Bayside” on it as their name after passing the Bayside train station. Way to plan ahead, guys.

35. DIIV “Doused” (2012)

It’s no secret that the best pizza in the world is made in New York City. Haven’t actually fact-checked that claim or taste-tested pizza in every other city on Earth for comparison, but it sounds right. That theory also applies to indie dream pop songs. Haven’t confirmed that either nor will I. New Yorkers just know the truth when they see it.

34. Helmet “Unsung” (1992)

NYC’s major three eras of music consisted of late ‘70s punk, ‘80s hip hop, and 2000s indie. Only nine bands wrote music in the ’90s in New York City. Helmet was one of the better ones.

33. The Walkmen “The Rat” (2004)

For an indie song from the mid-2000s, this track goes hard. The guitar is unrelenting, the drums are frantic, and the vocals make me feel like I’ve done something to upset the singer. Perhaps inadvertently, the Walkmen wrote the only indie song that you can mosh to. Be warned though that this is the only track of theirs that will inspire you to punch your friends in the face for fun.

32. Agnostic Front “Gotta Go” (1998)

Agnostic Front was a huge influence on the NYHC scene. There’s even a documentary called “The Godfathers of Hardcore” about their history. If you want to see what your hardcore phase will look like when you’re in your 50s and 60s, this is the doc for you. Honestly, there are worse phases to extend into middle age. Like a ska phase or a Mets fan phase.

31. Suicide “Ghost Rider” (1977)

Suicide was way ahead of their time with their use of electronic instruments, synths, and drum machines. Today, 75% of music consists of electronic music, so you can thank this band for your best friend Caleb starting that solo project in his bedroom with that looping machine for which you will never listen to his 38-track demo.

30. The Moldy Peaches “Anyone Else But You” (2001)

Formed by Kimya Dawson and Adam Green, the Moldy Peaches are an anti-folk band which, according to experts, is a genre meant to mock the self-seriousness of mainstream music and folk. Not enough music ridicules other music.

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Saudi Prince Doesn’t Have Heart to Tell Metallica He Meant to Book Megadeth

Posted on by Ben Friedman

DUBAI — Members of the Saudi royal family were are in full damage control today after it was revealed Metallica’s first-ever show in the country was supposed to be played by Megadeth, sources to the family reported.

“I understand how there could be some confusion, like how Mustaine used to be in the band and they both start with the letter M but what the actual FUCK. Anyone who’s anyone knows the Crown Prince’s favorite album of all time is ‘Rust in Peace’ and now I’m going to look like a huge asshole. This is what I get for polishing my car collection instead of overseeing planning the show,” said a Saudi cabinet member who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean it’s too late now that the band already sent us their rider and we booked the arena. But if one thing has always proven true it’s that we can solve any problem by throwing obscene amounts of money at it, and I’m sure they won’t ask questions if we drive dump trucks full of money up to their houses to play Megadeth covers.”

Dave Mustaine was deflated about the mix-up but remained hopeful that the door was still open to perform.

“I cannot believe they were going to pay us that much money to play one show, it’s like more than we’ve made in royalties our entire career. I just got my passport renewed and was totally prepared to ignore any and all human rights violations!” said Mustaine. “They were pretty apologetic on the phone though, and promised they’d book me before the year is out.”

Longtime booker Nigel Wilson has seen this exact scenario play out more times than fans have realized.

“It seems like every two or three years some metal festival conflates Metallica and Megadeth during the booking process, and it fucks up everything from the merch tables to the festival posters. It’s a running joke in the industry, albeit an expensive one. Remember when Metallica played for over a million people in Moscow at Monsters of Rock ’91? Yeah, that was supposed to be Megadeth,” said Wilson. “While this situation in Dubai might not be as dubious, it may result in the first time someone faced a firing squad for getting the wrong band.”

As of press time, the show was somewhat salvaged after cabinet members were able to have the King’s nephew’s band open for Metallica instead of Five Finger Death Punch.

Man Who Successfully Monetized All Of His Hobbies Winds Down With Light Data Entry

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

SAN DIEGO – Local man Colin Rafferty found a way to break up the soul-crushing monotony of living his creative dreams by taking on a part-time data entry gig to decompress, bewildered and envious sources confirmed.

“When your livelihood involves doing all of the amazing things you’ve wanted to do since you were a kid, it all becomes so stressful,” Rafferty stated while opening up multiple browser tabs and applications before unwittingly locking himself into a six-hour shift. “I can play the shit out of a guitar, edit videos, and generate short-form viral content, but when all is said and done, the things that once brought me joy are now jobs with their own sets of rules and conditions. But when I’m tasked with producing digital copies of medical records, I feel at peace with the world.”

Rafferty’s boss, Michael Daley, suggests that his latest new hire is delusional, but quietly reaps the benefits of finally having an employee who’s devoted to the job for all the wrong reasons.

“Colin keeps calling this job his ‘new hobby,’ which frustrates me to no end, but the guy knows how to get the work done,” asserted Daley, whose team has boasted record-breaking productivity during Rafferty’s short tenure. “He keeps calling his direct deposit and health care package ‘unexpected perks,’ but I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t a valuable asset to our team, as stupid as he is. He seriously went from doing whatever creative shit he wants to do all the time, on his own terms, to asking HR if he can take Christmas day off to spend time with his girlfriend.”

Fellow content creator and veteran moonlighter Casey Mitchells suggests that Rafferty should just settle down with a soul-crushing day job.

“Doing what you love for a living fucking sucks,” said Mitchells before reluctantly breaking away for a Zoom meeting with her social media team. “When you work for an actual company, you take on no risk, and there’s something to be said about showing up, putting your hours in, and going home at the end of the day without a worry in the world. Colin is 25 years old, but he looks like he’s 45. The fact that he’s genuinely happy being a cog in the machine should be alarming, but I really just hope he sticks with it for his mental health.”

At press time, Rafferty was spotted trying to cancel band practice so he could pick up an extra shift.

Wanna Feel Old? There’s a Wing For All The “CKY” Fans at This Nursing Home

Posted on by Wyatt Fair

Old age comes for all skaters. Knees weak from jumping down the four block at the local park, tired livers from drinking Modelos every night for three decades. You used to have the best frontside flip in the entire county, and now you can’t even drag yourself to the couch to pop in that withered DVD copy of “Baker 3” without assistance. What the hell!

Don’t fret, old man. There’s a special nursing home designed just for you and all your hesh buddies, and they even built a dedicated wing for all the “CKY” fans.

It’s a riot in the CKY Wing, and they’ve got special activities tailor-made just for you. On Monday afternoons, you’ll get free reign to slap around the Don Vito blow-up doll in the rec room. Every Friday, there’s an electric wheelchair demolition derby. And every Sunday night, you’ll be treated to readings from Thrasher by Raab Himself. Seem too good to be true? It definitely is.

You’ll probably have trouble sleeping most evenings, as your neighbor will most likely be blasting “96 Quite Bitter Beings” through the night. And when the music subsides, you’ll have to deal with your roommate quizzing you on who kicked that 75-yard game-winning field goal in 1986. You’ll notice that I’m only using masculine pronouns in this little write-up – it goes without saying that no woman would ever subject herself to this debased life you’ve chosen for yourself.

Residents are assisted through various stages of the aging process. Some can still drop in with just a little hand-holding, while others struggle to even remember the differences between Tony Hawk’s Underground and Tony Hawk’s Underground 2. (You cannot play as Benjamin Franklin in THUG 1.) Our services aim to meet our patients exactly where they’re at, which is likely blacked out and covered in cheesesteak behind the American flag bowl at FDR Park in Philly.

Sadly, every week residents from the CKY Wing are lost. But rest easy knowing that when you do pass into the great West Chester, Pennsylvania in the sky, we promise to fashion you with a set of angel wings and shoot you out of a cannon like Johnny Knoxville in the new “Jackass.”

Every Simple Plan Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Simple Plan, Canada’s pride and joy pop punk act, successfully infected the mainstream in 2002 with their debut studio album, the curiously named “No Pads, No Helmets…Just Balls,” and surprisingly to you, but not Quebec, they are still going strong to this day, and released their sixth LP, the uber underrated “Harder Than It Looks” in 2022, TWENTY years after their first hit stores. Also, in a flex to end all flexes, next to Less Than Jake, Simple Plan have played on more yearly Warped Tour dates than any band. Yes, we mean it, ANY band, so Anal Cunt can suck it. Read on, take one for the team, and infect our social media pages with ardent positivity!

6. Taking One for the Team (2016)

Simple Plan fans know the band doesn’t have any bad full-length studio albums, however, one effort had to be listed in the dreaded last position here, and the band’s last release for Atlantic Records and fifth LP altogether, “Taking One for the Team,” is in this slot. A lot of SP releases have expected AND unexpected vocal features, and this one showcases such with the possibly predictable Jordan Pundik of (A) New Found Glory throwing down some oohs/ahhs, and Nelly, yes, the early-aughts superstar, appearing here.

Play it again: “Boom!”
Skip it: “Problem Child”

5. Self-Titled (2008)

Simple Plan’s third LP was a combination of a departure that disappointed some and an underrated ambitious effort that did the opposite. Regardless of where you lie on the Simple Plan spectrum, and your typical taste when it comes to a specific genre, you can’t deny that the songs here are pretty damn good. The opener “When I’m Gone” not only kind of explained the long gap between their sophomore studio album “Still Not Getting Any…” and this, but it also set the tone for a non-punk record in any way, shape, or form, unless you think that hip-hop + R&B = melodic punk. Produced by Dave Fortman of Ugly Kid Joe, Floyd “Danja” Nathaniel Hills, and Max “Freaking” Martin, “Simple Plan” is far from simple but as close to “pop” as they ever will be.

Play it again: “Take My Hand”
Skip it: “Holding On”

4. Harder Than It Looks (2022)

Simple Plan’s sixth and most recent studio album, as of print date here in a non-paper format, “Harder Than It Looks,” features a fun and youthful energy on more “mature” and “adult,” but not in a boring, trite, and uber-cliche way, songs. At just under thirty-five minutes over the course of ten solid tracks, it is without hyperbole or hesitation the band’s most succinct and tight LP, and a truly, truly enjoyable one at that. Still, we must ask as we are legally obligated to, “Why wasn’t ‘Two’ track two? Sounds like a missed opportunity for iconic status, and now our anxiety-ridden lives are forever in slow motion ruined. Self-released, Simple Plan took the power back with “Harder Than It Looks,” and we are eager to see where and how they end up 2024-beyond.

Play it again: “The Antidote”
Skip it: “Slow Motion”

3. Get Your Heart On! (2011)

Not only is Simple Plan’s fourth and most underrated album BY FAR, “Get Your Heart On!,” the band’s best LP to be released after 2004, but it is so good that it sort of has a sequel in an EP of B-sides from the original sessions called “Get Your Heart On – The Second Coming!” that came out two years later. Like we stated in the section about “Taking One for the Team,” Simple Plan is more than fluent in vocal features from other acts, and Rivers Cuomo of Weezer, who co-wrote “Can’t Keep My Hands off You,” has a prominent vocal cut on said track, and other artists like Natasha Bedingfield, Alex Gaskarth of All Time Low, and George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher of Cannibal Corpse all rep their acts quite well here. In closing, this effort served as a return to form to those who were complaining about their self-titled release.

Play it again: “You Suck at Love”
Skip it: “Gone Too Soon”

2. No Pads, No Helmets…Just Balls (2002)

Simple Plan’s debut studio album “No Pads, No Helmets…Just Balls” couldn’t have come out at a better time as non-major/fake indie label pop-punk albums took over planet Earth, and SP had major label backing for an undeniable hit-ridden LP. We are almost vomiting by saying such, but the band should also write a lofty check to whomever created TikTok for their recent semi-unrivaled resurgence via their 2002 anthem, and 2023 mainstay, “I’m Just a Kid.” In the last time we are going to mention a vocal feature in this piece, blink-182’s Mark Hoppus, absolutely slaps the bass out of his voice on the opening track “I’d Do Anything,” which also is one of the better pop-punk opening album tracks. If you’re still hate reading this piece out of spite, God must hate you, and we sure do too!

Play it again: “Perfect”
Skip it: “Meet You There”

1. Still Not Getting Any… (2004)

To put it bluntly and perfectly, Bob rocked it. Basically, Simple Plan’s sophomore effort “Still Not Getting Any…” is the opposite of a slump, and such is proven every time one listens, and because of this, we’d like to personally thank the band for not sucking balls, or anything else that is smelly AF this time around. Please revisit this LP that you pretend to loathe if you haven’t done such in nearly two decades, admit that you still feel that you don’t belong anywhere via its VERY relatable lyrics, and find a way to be like us, FANTASTIC. If you still naysay SP’s influence in 2004, you should know that this record debuted at number THREE on the US Billboard 200 with six figures of sales in its opening week… Welcome to their life!

Play it again: “Jump”
Skip it: “One”

Peaches’ “Fuck The Pain Away” Voted Worst Song for Mother-Son Dance At Wedding

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

TAMPA, Fla. — The National Association of Wedding Planners overwhelmingly voted Peaches’ song “Fuck The Pain Away” as the worst for mother-son dances at weddings nationwide.

“It’s hard, filthy, and shouldn’t be listened to within a 20-mile radius of a wedding reception,” said Dan Hinklebart, President of the NAWP. “Usually these songs are thoughtful and nostalgic—they represent something special to both mother and son. But this Peaches song? It’s a Freudian nightmare. I mean, who wants to think about ‘sucking titties’ while watching a tender, loving moment between a mother and her son? Unless you’re into that kind of thing. In which case, maybe public life isn’t for you.”

The controversy arose after local DJ Beefy Beatz played the classic Peaches song during a wedding reception, resulting in an ER visit for the groom’s grandmother.

“I never had a request like that before,” said Beatz. “But the groom thought it would be ‘fucking hilarious’ to play it during the dance with his mother. I was like, ‘My dude, that is pretty unchill. Why don’t we just go with something classic like Fleetwood Mac or The Beatles?’ but he insisted. Cut to two minutes later—Nana’s convulsing at table 7 and everyone is screaming. ‘Fuck The Pain Away’ sent her into a three-week coma. It was just too much for her.”

At a wedding nearby, a local groom’s 13-year-old cousin, Trevor Lee, had a very different opinion on the subject, citing “free speech” as his reasoning.

“I think that song fucking rocks!” said Lee. “They should totally legalize it! My mom never lets me listen to this stuff at home. She always says, ‘watch your language’ and ‘stop lighting the toilet paper on fire.’ If it were my wedding, I would play that Peaches song during the whole dinner on repeat and force everyone to do karaoke to it as punishment for taking me away from ‘Fortnite.’ And everyone would get glowsticks. Do you know if there’s any more Sprite?”

In response to the uproar, the National Association of Wedding Planners has additionally petitioned to criminalize the use of Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” during bridal party entrances.

Every “The Nightmare Before Christmas” Character Ranked by Kill Count

Posted on by Dan Rice

Christmas season is here, and that makes it the perfect time to revisit the Disney holiday classic “The Nightmare Before Christmas.” It’s the touching story of a time when the citizens of Halloween Town decided to try their hand at Christmas. It goes haywire of course, but Santa saves the day, everyone learns a valuable lesson, and the residents of Halloweentown presumably resume their evil, murderous activities.

We’re tired of these monsters getting a pass just because they’re into singing and pageantry. Halloween Town is populated exclusively by unholy creatures who cause death and carnage wherever they go. We’ve decided it’s time to set the record straight. Here’s every character from the “children’s movie” “The Nightmare Before Christmas” ranked by kill count.

31. Santa Claus

No, Santa isn’t secretly a monster, relax. He’s a jolly old magical man who delivers presents to children all over the world just like everyone thinks he is. We include him only because he is a major character, but at best, Santa has only murdered about a dozen people in the name of delivering gifts.

30. Black cat

The cat is pretty much just a cat and has killed no more people than any other black cat in the world, which is to say somewhere between 10 and 20 babies by stealing their breath in the middle of the night.

29. Melting Man

Believe it or not, he’s just a regular guy who happens to be melting. Unfortunately, due to his hideous appearance, Halloween Town is the only place that will have him. He’s killed 11 people, but they were all in self-defense against the various lynch mobs that descended on him whenever he tried to settle down in a normal place.

28. Mr. Hyde

Despite his infamous namesake, Hyde has only killed about a baker’s dozen people, and almost all of them weren’t children. That’s practically being a saint in Halloween Town, a den of horrors. The same can’t be said for the little guy hiding under the hat of the little guy hiding under Hydes’ hat though. That little dude will murder your whole family for fun.

27. Frankenstein

Frankenstein has murdered 18 people in cold blood, not a high body count by Halloween Town standards, but the way he savors and revells in each kill is truly sickening. Just further proof that while the cold hand of science can technically produce life, only the divine spark of our Father on high can imbue a living creature with a soul.

26. Creature Under the Stairs

He’s actually super nice, and he only snatches the occasional child when his natural food supply of bugs runs scarce in the winter.

25. Corpse Family

For a while, they tried doing that “Twilight” thing where they moved from town to town going to High School forever, but people caught on that they were monsters real fast. Probably because of all the rotting and smelling. After killing 26 people who had the misfortune of “discovering” their terrible secret, they accepted that their plan just wasn’t sustainable and moved to Halloween Town.

24. Clown with the Tear-Away Face

He’s pretty redundant honestly. Tearing away a creepy ass clown face to reveal a creepy monster face is like taking off your Jason mask to reveal a Michael Myers mask. It doesn’t escalate anything, it’s just confusing. Maybe it’s the frustration he feels over his failed branding that has motivated him to kill and eat dozens of children.

23. Cyclops

Legends of the Cyclops’s cruel brutality go back to the epics of Homer, and Halloween Town’s resident one-eye is no exception. Keep your sheep, wine, and man flesh away from this monster.

22. Grim Reaper

That’s right, death itself hangs its hat and scythe in Halloween Town. Still think this is a movie the whole family can enjoy? Technically the Grim Reaper’s body count is, you know, all of them, but aside from being the avatar of fate the Grim Reaper goes out of his way to light homeless people on fire for a sense of control—43 and counting—and the police aren’t even trying to catch him.

21. Zombie Band

They’ve got a Danny Ellfman-like sound aesthetic and an insatiable appetite for human flesh. They really know how to give eating your brain while you’re still alive a sweeping cinematic flair.

20. Harlequin Demon

Part old-world clown, part demon, it doesn’t get any more evil than that, He turns dead animal carcasses into hats, does that sound nice? Is that something a nice person would do? Is this someone you really want your children looking up to? On top of having a Leatherface-like fashion sense, this guy is dumb. You didn’t see it in the movie, but he killed 56 people before realizing a human skull was too small to fit over a human head.

19. Witches

I mean, witches! Come on! Did we all just up and forget witches are evil? I know the term has been muddled a bit what with Harry Potter and spooky ladies who sell scented candles on Etsy, but these are clearly old-school child-eating witches, and everyone is just fine with this? Hope your family enjoys all that popcorn and soda pop while you casually watch them boil a child alive in the movie’s opening song!

18. Creature Under the Bed

The creature under the bed is a coward. Why do you think he hides under there? He’s more afraid of you than you are of him. Still, fear makes a creature dangerous. If he’s cowering under your mattress and you get up unexpectedly in the middle of the night he might just panic and pull you under. He’s done it at least 70 times.

17. Igor

He’s the assistant to Dr. Finklestein, one of history’s greatest and most depraved butchers. You could argue that some of that blood is on Igor’s hands as well, and we won’t weigh in, that’s for history to decide. If we’re just talking people Igor has killed personally, 86 sex workers.

16. Jewel Finklestein

She was made with a portion of Dr. Finklestein’s brain and thus inherited a percentage of his muder-in-the-name-of-science impulses. She only has a small part of his brain though, so the science part is kind of lacking. She once killed 11 people to build a potato clock, which is generally speaking way more people than you need to kill to build a potato clock, like 11 more.

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George Santos Says He Plans to Return to Previous Job as Starting Forward for Denver Nuggets

Posted on by Trevor Graham

WASHINGTON — Embattled Congressman George Santos says he is not worried about his future as a politician and that he is already shifting gears to make his return to the starting lineup of the Denver Nuggets, confirmed staffers already looking for new jobs.

“Most people don’t know this, but I walked away from a lucrative seven-figure salary as one of the most dominant players in the NBA in order to serve the fine people of New York’s 3rd district,” said Santos while shredding documents. “Now that my time in office is coming to a successful end, I’m excited to get back out on the court to show the world I’m still at the top of my game. When I was a kid I remember everyone freaking out when Michael Jordan dunked from the free-throw line, that’s nothing compared to what I’ve got ready for my first game back. A 360 tomahawk dunk, from half court worth 600 points.”

Long Island native and diehard Santos supporter Lou Donovan is excited to see the Congressman’s next move.

“I’ll tell you I was a bit heartbroken when I heard Georgie wasn’t going to be playing for the Knicks. I think a doughy 35-year-old is exactly what the team needs to get over the hump this season,” said Donovan. “But I’ll support him wherever he goes. Denver has a great team, I think he will fit in well there. When he was campaigning he talked about his three Super Bowl rings and all I’m saying is the Jets could really use a QB right now. If he wants to make his NFL comeback instead it seems like the time is right, since all those Democrats are tearing this country apart.”

Michael Malone, the coach of the Nuggets, said he is unaware of any plans to add Santos to the lineup.

“We are in a bit of a slump right now and I intend to get back to our winning ways by bringing some people off of the bench that are hungry. I’ve talked with the team owner Stan Kroenke and although he likes Rep. Santos’ politics, we don’t think he’s a good fit for our team, or any team really,” said Malone. “Rep. Santos did email me a 17-minute video where the first half is of him dribbling a ball in his driveway, but multiple times the ball hit his foot and went flying into the street. The second half of the video is Rep. Santos talking about how he is a close personal friend of Dikembe Mutombo and he claims he taught Dikembe how to be so tall. It was very strange.”

At press time, aides for Santos were claiming he was not available for further comment because he was being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.