Trauma Dump? This Judge Keeps Complaining About All the Shit I Allegedly Did

Posted on by Doug Kolic

If the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that life is precious and we need to protect our mental health at all costs. People barely have enough time to deal with their own issues, let alone have the bandwidth to sit through someone else’s bitch session. Like this judge here, who’s been blabbering about his work problems and how my presence in this courtroom has made a “mockery of the judicial system.” Tell it to a therapist, dude.

I’m sure the jury would love nothing more than to call it a day and head home for the weekend, but instead, they have to sit through more of this judge’s lectures about my conduct and the additional laws I’ve allegedly broken while representing myself. I’m so tired of his bullying that I’m seriously thinking about requesting a mistrial, as soon as they loosen these restraints and take this stupid spitguard out of my mouth.

If anyone deserved to be tased by that large bailiff it’s this clown in the black robe, not me. You know what’s worse than having a defendant pretend to call a sidebar just to take a swipe at the judge? Having to listen to him whine about how I’m a “danger to society” and deserve to be “locked up like a dog.” Relax Drama Whore, my bite barely broke your skin, so I’m pretty sure the Hep C test will come back negative.

Whether you’re forced to listen to a colleague vent about their job, or you’re stuck listening to a friend endlessly complain about their love life, it’s important to put up a wall and protect yourself from those negative vibes. That’s why I’ve decided enough is enough and I’ve been screaming at the top of my lungs to drown out this energy vampire with a gavel who just won’t shut up about me and my behavior. Like, obsessed much?

At the end of the day, our biggest commitment should be to ourselves, and not to people who see us as nothing more than opportunities to dump their bullshit onto. It’s important to stand up for yourself and clearly set boundaries otherwise you’ll never be free. Which is what I’m planning on doing with the help of this shiv, as soon as I can wiggle out of these zip ties and flush the pepper spray from my eyes.

Lord of the Rings Fan Impressed by Swiftie Lore

Posted on by Peter Woods

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Local Lord of the Rings Fan Eldridge Carey has shared his overwhelming appreciation for “the detail and nuance” within current Taylor Swift lore, confirmed sources close to the self-identified nerd who has not stopped talking about this new obsession.

“At first I wasn’t impressed with Swift’s lack of references to medieval music,” said Carey. “But then she mentioned how she heard Gandalf’s voice in her head every time she re-recorded one of her songs and I knew I needed to learn a little bit more. I started by mapping the character arcs of each boyfriend and immediately recognized the fully realized hero’s journey that Swift has embarked upon. And when I got to the symbolism of the cardigans and friendship bracelets, I was sold.”

Fans of the singer have shown support for the new recruit, but also remain skeptical of his ability to understand Swiftie lore.

“This guy is clearly out of his depth,” said Taylor Swift Fan Discord moderator Deanna Patel. “Tolkien is a hack, the rubbish that guy crapped out can’t touch the rich universe that Taylor already created with her first album alone. And it’s done nothing but grow and evolve. This lore spans decades, with more characters and plot twists than he can even begin to comprehend. Let’s be honest: the road to the lakes of Windermere where poets go to die is paved with the bodies of people who can’t keep up, and I just saw a pothole that needs filling.”

While Patel’s warning may seem severe, other experts have also relayed a sense of caution to the new fan

“Starting from square one is never easy, but it’s nearly impossible when becoming a Swiftie later in life,” said Elise Vaughan, the Cedrick McMillan Professor of Literary Studies at Western Michigan University. “To understand Taylor Swift is to solve a puzzle within a puzzle within a puzzle. Unlocking the secrets of the albums is only the start. Now, the entire NFL is intertwined with the Saga of Swift and every team holds its own clues and deeper meanings. There’s at least 6 to 7 dissertations worth of untangling to do, so just waltzing in like this will never go well.”

Ignoring these warnings, Carey continued to explore Swiftie lore on his own but is off to a rocky start, as reports have surfaced claiming that Swifties ran Carey completely off social media for saying he “liked the maple wood paneling on the Midnights cover” when, clearly, it is cedar.

69 Christmas Songs Ranked By How Horny They Are

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

The holidays are a time of family, reflection, and raw-doggin’ in the back of the sleigh. And what better mood music to get your nipple juices flowing than the musical genre that perfected the double-entendre!? If you think about it, sex really is the reason for the season, so here are 69 Christmas songs ranked by how horny they are.

69. Eartha Kitt “Santa Baby”

Nothing says, “All I want for Christmas is St. Nick’s lap meat,” like the thirstiest song you’ll hear in the grocery store. You were shopping for frozen shrimp, but now you’re horny for men with white beards, too. Eartha Kitt knew what she wanted, and that confidence is HOT.

68. Gene Autry “Frosty the Snowman”

There’s something about being ghosted by a dude who can’t afford to dress himself that really turns people on. Frosty may not stay long enough to know your name, but he knew how to look good on his way out the door. They say you’ll never forget finding your first magic silk hat that turns a lifeless pile of snow into a sex machine that will disappear the second after he nuts.

67. John Lennon “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)”

This dysfunctional Christmas song protesting the Vietnam War has the sexual tension of an ill-timed “u up?” text. Sure, you’re tired, but isn’t it nice to know that the couple you met candle shopping is thinking about you? Begrudgingly pop a boner pill and be ready to drive the sleigh because some guy is expecting you to rail his girlfriend in less than thirty minutes.

66. Dean Martin “Winter Wonderland”

Walkin’ in a winter wonderland used to be the code word my professor would use when her husband was out of town. Every time I hear this song, I think of her leathery musk, her thick, white back hair, and how erotic it was to help her grade papers at the dining room table instead of visiting my family for the holidays.

65. Gene Autry “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”

Rudolph was a submissive sideshow freak who flourished when his dom lifted those sweaty black boots just high enough to let a little red light out. So hot.

64. Bing Crosby “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”

I love coming home for Christmas because my step-sister is too hot, bro. Everybody loves to make fun of that Folgers commercial, but that is my literal wet dream. I’m so home for Christmas that I just live at home with my mom and step-dad the other 364 days of the year, too. It’s weird she doesn’t come over any day other than Christmas, but one day I’ll get her to say, “You’re my present,” and put a bow on me. And then we’ll totally bone.

63. Bobby Helms “Jingle Bell Rock”

When you spend most of your time off stage in sex clubs, the weather isn’t the only thing snowin’ and blowin’–if you know what I’m sayin’. Legend has it that Bobby Helms would giddy up jingle horse and pick up his feet with a bridle and saddle anywhere, any time if you asked for a ride in his one-horse sleigh.This man was very horny for horses.

62. Beach Boys “Little Saint Nick”

There’s something about a four-foot, greased up Santa Claus running wild through my no-rules, bisexual cuckfest of a relationship that really gives me the Christmas spirit. The Beach Boys flexed their kink pride in JFK’s America, and I am there for it every time my wife buys Vaseline and starts kissing mall Santas.

61. Elvis Presley “Blue Christmas”

This calamitous sex jam sounds like it was performed by a drunk raccoon, but there’s something about a guy whining over an acoustic guitar that makes you realize that sometimes even famous people don’t know how to hit and quit.

60. Bob Dylan “Must Be Santa”

This song sounds like an office Christmas in a Cajun karaoke bar. When Dylan says, “Ho, ho, ho,” like a lecherous derelict, you can hear young professionals shouting wild confessions at each other because they’re drunk in work clothes at 10 p.m. on a Thursday. Play this at your office party and HR will be approving multiple maternity leaves before the end of next year.

59. Jose Feliciano “Feliz Navidad”

Something about a bilingual person’s lowered chances of getting Alzheimer’s or dementia does it for me. You mean to tell me you know two languages and will be more likely to remain a stable and loving companion for the remainder of our time on this strange plane of existence? Kiss me while we’re still young!

58. Perry Como and The Fontane Sisters “It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas”

Polyamorous megastar Perry Como’s biggest holiday hit happened when he recorded a song with his three girlfriends. The sexual tension Como and the Fontane Sisters caught on tape is still palpable all these years later. You can almost hear the loving admiration and respect each member of this sexual rectangle had for one another.

57. Nat King Cole “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen”

This is the first holiday number to celebrate a homosexual orgy. Why else did those merry gentlemen need so much rest? Tidings of comfort and joy, indeed.

56. *NSYNC “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays”

This little bop by the late ’90s thrust bunch *NSYNC was pure dick-wiggling fun. The beat was catchy, the singing pretty wholesome, and everyone listening to the song was compelled to dry hump the lifelong best friend they were secretly crushing on–even if they were in their local GAP clothing store!

55. Ariana Grande “Santa Tell Me”

This song follows the love affair between a racially-ambiguous-presenting woman and Santa Claus. All Ms. Grande wants is for Santa would leave Mrs. Claus, move to Los Angeles, and let her straddle him on the chair in the mall. Love was never really an option, but Santa has no problem leaving a few non-committal presents in her stockings every Christmas Eve.

54. Bing Crosby “Little Drummer Boy”

Bing Crosby was known for throwing the best sex parties. The lyrics are actually about Crosby trying to hire a rhythm section for his next get-together. He just happened to throw in the birth of Christ to make sure he really got the players he wanted. Everybody knows a good sex party is better with a steady beat!

53. Mannheim Steamroller “Carol of the Bells”

There’s just something about a neo-classical electronic version of a beloved Christmas song that really makes you want to undo the top button of your shirt and ask out your crush. Sure, they’ll say, “EW! YOU’RE WEARING TOO MUCH COLOGNE!” and “PLEASE LEAVE BEFORE I THROW UP!” but they’ll never take your confidence away.

52. Chuck Berry “Run Rudolph Run”

Want to know why Rudolph ran like that? He got a text from his girlfriend that said, “My parents aren’t home. Cum over when you can.” This is the classic story of a boy racing against the clock to see his lady before mom and dad get off work. We’ve all been there.

51. Celine Dion “O Holy Night”

Any time Celine Dion comes on, you know an older woman is about to plow. The sultry tones and lusty tempo of this loin-roasting diddy unleashes a ravenous sensuality that pushes women to the brink of sexual insanity. Play this song with caution unless you absolutely want a woman that remembers Ronald Reagan being the president to desperately paw at your belt.

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Our Band Could Be Your Stocking Stuffer: 15 Band-Related Products That Don’t Exist Yet But Should For This Holiday Season

Posted on by Matt McInerney

The holidays are right around the corner, and you’re looking for the perfect gift for friends. Or maybe you’re even dropping heavy hints in front of your parents. Well, guess what, this list won’t help you at all because these products aren’t even real yet. But if Papa Roach’s ‘Cut My Life Into Pizzas’ pizza cutter taught us anything, it’s that there is potential for success with even the stupidest of merch ideas. And in an industry where album sales aren’t the revenue generators they used to be, these novelties are perhaps soon all bands will have left. That’s why we’re here to help. Think of us as a modern-day Ali G – holding a skateboard without wheels, pitching it as a hoverboard. We’re the idea guys. We’re just going to need you to make it all real. And, of course, cut us a slice of that pie once they hit the market.

Thursday’s Fully Collapsible Salad Spinner

What better way to celebrate the 22nd anniversary of Thursday’s iconic album “Full Collapse” than with a fully collapsible kitchen marvel? Yes, that’s right, this unique salad spinner not only pays homage to the band’s groundbreaking work but also brings a touch of musical history right into your kitchen. Just as “Full Collapse” broke barriers in the music world, this salad spinner breaks the mold in kitchen gadgetry with its space-saving design and sleek look.

Details: This one-of-a-kind salad spinner is designed for easy storage, collapsing to a quarter of its size. It features a 5-quart capacity, perfect for all your leafy greens. The non-slip base ensures stability during use, and it’s dishwasher-safe for easy cleanup. Dimensions: 10 inches in diameter when expanded.

Maylene and the Sons of Disaster’s Plenty Strong Dirt Bike Jack Stand

Dangerous curves ahead! If there’s one thing we know about every Maylene fan, it’s this: You have jumped your fair share of dirt bikes, and you sure as hell haven’t nailed every landing. But have no fear, because we’re here to give you a little lift. This sturdy-as-heck bike stand is exactly what you need for dirt bike repairs and adjustments so you can get back to mudding. We think that’s what you call it.

Details: Made with heavy-duty steel, this jack stand can support bikes up to 5,000 lbs. It features an adjustable height from 14 to 41 inches, with a large top surface for stable positioning. The anti-slip rubber pad prevents slippage and scratches.

Between the Buried and Me’s Colors & Colors II Crayon Coloring Set

When you heard “Colors” for the first time, it changed your life. By the time “Colors II” came out, you’d heard all the songs you were ever going to hear, but you still pretended it changed your life again. Well, it’s time to make sure your kids can feel the same way about these progressive technical death avant-garde metalcore giants. With their very own coloring set!

Details: These crayons offer rich, smooth laydown, perfect for coloring and drawing. “Colors” features 12 standard colors. “Colors II” comes with 12 neon colors that nobody will ever reach for. All crayons are non-toxic, easy to grip, and made with durable wax for long-lasting use.

Ghost’s Pepper Flakes – Mild Flavored Premium Pepper Flavoring

Oh no, it’s not a ghost pepper. It’s Ghost’s pepper. This product might look scary, but just like the band, it is absolutely not. Seriously, it’s about as spicy as milk. These mild flavors are sure to please any palate, or at least any palate that shares the same taste as someone who would listen to Ghost.

Details: Comes in a sleek, easy-to-use 4 oz shaker. The flakes are a blend of premium, mild peppers meticulously selected to reduce flavor. They are perfect for adding a lack of zest to any dish.

The Weakerthans’ Sundial in an Empty Room

If only we could somehow make use of those parallelograms of light that dance along the walls of your empty guest room. Well, forget that empty feeling and fill that space with this one-of-a-kind sundial! With lyrics adorning the face, it serves not just as a functional piece for that spare room you probably have in your house but also as a conversation starter. It’s perfect for fans who value both the practical aspects of timekeeping and the artistic expression of a modern away message.

Details: This beautifully crafted sundial features a 36 inche diameter, making it an ideal size for display in an outdoor garden space, or in the center of a room with no furniture. Made from high-quality, weather-resistant materials, it ensures durability whether used indoors or outdoors. The sundial includes an adjustable gnomon for accurate time-telling throughout the year.

Underoath’s “Writing on the Walls” Erasable Markers

Uh oh, worried your kids will really fuck up the walls with that crayon set? Sure, they’re a little too young to start on Between the Buried and Me. Maybe you need something for a younger age? Well, kids will love Underoath and their “Writing on the Walls” erasable markers! Hand that boy one and watch as he brushes your living room in black and white. No worries, just wash it away when he’s done.

Details: These innovative erasable markers come in a pack of 10 vibrant colors, perfect for little artists who love to express themselves on any non-porous surface, including walls, windows, and whiteboards. The markers feature a non-toxic, washable formula, making cleanup a breeze – just wipe with a damp cloth or sponge. Each marker has a durable tip for both fine lines and broader strokes, and the ink dries quickly to prevent smudging.

Kirk Windstein Presents Crowbar’s Bar Crow

Have you ever found yourself hanging out in a seedy bar in New Orleans, deep into the night, only to be forced to drunkenly stumble home in the darkness? You realize you need some protection, but your more sensible friends have already called it a night. What you need is a more loyal companion. You know what we’re talking about. That’s right: a crow! Better yet, a Crowbar-branded Bar Crow, to keep you safe as you recklessly wander through sludge-filled alleyways, searching for home.

Details: Crowbar’s Bar Crow is a real, specially trained crow, bred for protection in social settings like bars. This loyal bird, with an average wingspan of 18 inches and a body length of around 12 inches, is perfect for accompanying you on late-night outings. The Bar Crow is trained to respond to basic commands and recognize its owner. This crow doesn’t require a harness (although we do have some great ideas there) and is comfortable in various urban environments.

Hawthorne Heights’ ‘Ohio is for Lovers… and More’ Travel Guide

Is your heart in Ohio? Well, then let some local boys show you around with this ultimate travel guide. Discover every attraction and hot spot that Ohio has to offer. And don’t worry: it’s not just for lovers. They’ll even help you find your favorite singles bars, because obviously, you’re getting over some heartbreak.

Details: This comprehensive travel guide is your key to exploring Ohio like a local. It features hidden gems, popular attractions, and the best singles bars, all curated by the members of Hawthorne Heights. The guide includes maps, tips, and insider knowledge to help you navigate the state with ease. It’s a paperback edition, easy to carry around, measuring 8×5 inches.

Korn’s “Beak on a Leash” Bird Leashes and Harnesses

His name may be Munky, but the man loves nothing more than birds. As you can imagine, it won’t be a tough sell to get the rest of the band on board. Not with an idea this good: Korn brand bird leashes and harnesses! For the cockatoo lover in your life, give them the gift that sets them free. Or at least give them the freedom to take their bird for a walk every once in a while. Finally, you’ll feel like you do have some release!

Details: This series offers high-quality bird leashes and harnesses, suitable for various bird sizes, from cockatiels to cockatoos. The harnesses are made from lightweight, durable materials that are comfortable for the birds and easy for the owners to use. The adjustable design ensures a snug fit, and the strong leash allows for safe outdoor adventures. The product comes in a variety of sizes and includes a step-by-step guide on how to safely use the harness with your feathered friend.

Refused’s ‘The Shape of Punk to Come’ Toddler Shape Sorting Cube

Okay, so maybe even those Underoath markers were still too much. Well, how else are you supposed to show the world you have a little punk-to-come on your hands? You already bought that kid a Black Flag onesie. I guess your only other option is to get them some sort of branded toy that will let everyone know that your child is merely an extension of you and your tastes. God forbid someone thinks this kid might grow up to be a Foo Fighters fan.

Details: This wooden cube features various shapes, each representing a different element of punk culture, that fit into corresponding holes. It’s designed to help develop fine motor skills and shape recognition in young children. The cube is painted in vibrant colors with partially-non-toxic, mostly-child-safe paint, and measures 6×6 inches.

Sunn O)))’s Decorative Black Boxes That Just So Happen To Have Speakers in Them

We’ve always wanted an amp that makes our guitar sound exactly like the monstrous hum of ‘Life Metal,’ but after some research, we realized there’d be significant challenges in releasing an amplifier with the Sunn O))) logo on it. There’s like a whole story there or something. So anyway, these are just decorative boxes. That might have speakers in them. It’s not entirely clear if they can officially state that or not.

Details: These distinctive decorative boxes, inspired by the sound and aesthetics of Sunn O))), are an intriguing addition to any space. Externally, they present as sleek, matte black boxes with a minimalist design. Hidden within each box are high-quality speakers. While they serve primarily as elegant decor, the boxes offer a surprise element of functionality, blending in seamlessly until their audio capabilities are revealed.

Explosions in the Sky’s “The Earth Is Not a Cold Dead Place” Heated Blankets

Actually, the earth is starting to feel like a colder and deader place. But it sure doesn’t feel that way when you’re soaking up some sweet post-rock and watching a heartwarming episode of Friday Night Lights. Coach! Coach, help! It’s not snuggly enough in here! Fear not, as this band-inspired heated blanket will solve that as you waste the rest of your evening with Tim Riggins.

Details: This cozy heated blanket features adjustable heat settings, ensuring you find the perfect temperature for relaxation. Made from soft, plush fabric, it measures a generous 60×50 inches, making it ideal for snuggling up on the couch. The design subtly incorporates motifs from the band’s album artwork, creating a stylish and functional piece. It’s equipped with an easy-to-use controller and a safety feature that automatically shuts off after four Fright Night Lights episodes, ensuring peace of mind.

Job for a Cowboy Organic Non-GMO Gluten-Free Horse Treats

We have to be honest upfront. We haven’t really listened to Job for a Cowboy; we just heard about them, and they seemed like a nice country band. And like any good country boy, you must know: you just can’t trust mainstream horse treats these days. Equestrian enthusiasts understand that not all horses can stomach the gluten found in the average grocery store horse snack. Well, all your problems are solved with these good-for-you horse treats! Now, your only challenge is thinking of a cooler horse name than “Job for a Cowboy.”

Details: These premium horse treats are made with organic, non-GMO ingredients, ensuring a healthy snack for your equine friends. They are completely gluten-free, perfect for horses with dietary sensitivities. Each treat is carefully crafted, combining nutritious ingredients like oats, barley, and molasses for a flavor that horses love. The treats come in a resealable 5-pound bag, ensuring freshness and easy storage, cowboy.

The World Is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die Kitchen Wall Decor

We know. You’re going to lose it if you have to stare at that stupid “gather” decal adorning the walls of your kitchen one more time. And why does your partner always pick signs in that overused wedding invite font? There’s only one answer: an act of rebellion. Like proudly displaying the band name of your favorite Willimantic legends! This isn’t just a statement piece; it’s a nod to your edgy, musical defiance. It’s about time your kitchen reflected the real you. And it also kind of just works with everything else in the room.

Details: This wall decor piece measures 24×36 inches, made with high-quality, fade-resistant ink on durable canvas material. Easy to hang with included tamper-proof mounting hardware so it can never be removed, it’s perfect for adding a touch of rebellion to any room.

Bring Me The Horizon Temporary Child Throat Tattoos

Wow, your kid couldn’t handle the sorting cube? I guess you’re shit out of luck. Okay, one more idea. Just ink your kid. Temporarily at least. Give them a flat-brim hat and a throat tattoo to show your friends that you are deathcore through and through. Or at least you used to be. Now you’re just kind of listening to electronic rock in a deathcore outfit? Sheesh, maybe this was a mistake.

Details: These temporary throat tattoos are the perfect way to let your child rock a bold look without scarring them for life (at least physically). The tattoos are waterproof and last for 2-3 days, perfect for a weekend of pretend play. Each tattoo measures about 2×3 inches, designed to fit comfortably on a child’s throat area.

Retail Employee Requests Workers’ Comp After Hearing Wham!’s “Last Christmas” 11 Times in One Day

Posted on by Ellie Nas

MIAMI — Local sales associate Alice Thompson recently filed for workers’ compensation after claiming her retail store made her perform under “‘vigorous conditions” due to having to hear “Last Christmas” by the English pop duo Wham! almost a dozen times in a single shift, sources from management confirmed.

“It’s pretty traumatizing listening to the same damn song over and over again,” Thompson said while glaring at the holiday decorations hanging outside the Cotton On store where she works. “My manager knows I hate Christmas and that I just got out of a serious relationship so the song is quite mocking if you ask me. It makes it hard to wake up in the morning knowing what’s waiting for me here and it’s come to the point where I feel I need to be compensated due to the toll it’s taken on my mental health.”
Isabelle Delgado, HR representative of the store, does not wish to follow through with Thompson’s claim.
“While compensation benefits cover mental wellness, we’ve received multiple complaints and write-ups regarding Alice’s attitude and work ethic this holiday season so it is difficult to take her demands seriously,” Delgado said. “One written warning by the manager claims Alice had changed the music more than once to her ‘Best of Ska’ Spotify playlist rather than the ‘Family-Friendly Holiday Beats’ mix curated towards the store. Another stated that a concerned customer saw Alice body-slam and curse out one of the mall Santa’s elves near the Wetzel’s Pretzels.”

Music psychologist Michael Beckling weighed in on how listening to a hated song multiple times can impact one’s inner psyche.

“When you’ve studied as much music as I have, you know when a song is a steaming pile of crap,” Beckling said, tapping at his framed degree. “And any song by Wham!, let alone that mass-produced Christmas noise, is enough to drive a normal person with good taste insane. The CIA actually used bad music to torture prisoners and “Last Christmas” is somewhere on that list. Probably top 10 after ‘Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer’ and that one by Paul McCartney.”

At press time, Thompson was arrested for climbing the mall Christmas tree and throwing ornaments at bystanders after hearing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” a dozen consecutive times in the store.

I Broke Into Area 51 and All They Had There Was Radiation Poisoning

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

Hey guys, first off I have to thank you for your patience in waiting for this update. After I broke into Area 51 to find out its secrets I came down with an unimaginably brutal bout of radiation poisoning. I’m talking about violent diarrhea, projectile vomiting, seizures, and blisters. The works.

I also regret not bringing sunscreen. That relentless Nevada sun had me covered in third-degree sunburns by the time I got to my car. I also have a feeling the arid Mojave desert has made me permanently thirsty. But anyway, without further ado, here’s what I found when I broke into Area 51.

I approached Area 51 by way of Rachel, Nevada, as I had read on the dark web that there was an unguarded gully that led into the facilities. Well, I found out it was unguarded because the gully led into an active bombing range. I was able to narrowly escape getting blown to smithereens by a bomb, but I accidentally stepped on a land mine that launched me into the air. I was knocked out when I landed, and when I came to I realized that I was underneath a dumpster inside of Area 51 itself.

I quickly began rummaging through the dumpster looking for evidence of space aliens, time travel, weather control devices, anything. Instead, all I found were dozens of used hypodermic needles sticking out of my hand. Oh, and I found a set of military fatigues that fit me like a glove, so I could walk around the base unbothered.

I managed to sneak into some sort of facility or another, I’m not entirely sure what it was. I snooped around looking for little green men with giant heads, instead, I was stung by scorpions, wasps, spiders, tarantula hawks, and ants. After a while, I realized it was an abandoned building, and was bit by a rattlesnake to boot.

Anyways, I hate to say it guys, but there just wasn’t anything salacious about Area 51. It seemed to be an efficiently run military facility, minus the fact that I was able to sneak in and walk around for a few hours without their knowing it. But a word of warning: If you’re thinking of breaking into Area 51, please, please wear hearing protection. It has extremely loud planes, machinery, guns, bombs, and everything else. Oh, and a radiation suit. I’m sort of dying.

Every Far Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

If “Pony,” Far’s cover of Ginuwine’s third-wave ska-punk masterpiece, is the only song that you know of from the Sacramento, California four-piece, you need to reevaluate your life and question your own lack of taste and awareness. Formed in 1991 in the wake of grunge’s epic global takeover, Far released their sensitive emo-adjacent debut studio album “Listening Game” independently just one year later, and after its other indie follow-up “Quick” came out in 1994 eventually inked a deal with Immortal/Epic Records, released two LPs via said label, and split up, only to reform for a one-off LP via Vagrant Records in 2010. The band’s legacy is a paradox of super strong and extremely underrated, and we are honored to wax poetic about the band that was truly ahead of their collective time.

5. Listening Game (1992)

Opening their debut LP “Listening Game” with various sounds and dialogue from the classic horror series “Sesame Street” via its title track showcased a youthful exuberant energy right from the start, as Far introduced themselves to and joined the musical floodgates with twelve post-hardcore tracks that truly foreshadowed their eventual major sonic influence. Well, you have to start somewhere, and the band truly did with this one. In addition, 1992 was an incredible year for the world of rock with sterling monumental records from Faith No More (“Angel Dust”), Alice In Chains (“Dirt”), R.E.M. (“Automatic for the People”), and TLC (“Oooooooh… On the TLC Tip”). Coming out via Rusty Nail Records, “Listening Game” is a fun start, but thankfully the band “grew up” on its next four and progressed as songwriters and musicians.

Play it again: “All Go Down”
Skip it: About ⅓ of it

4. Quick (1994)

Opening/title track “Quick” truly sounds like Quicksand covering Soundgarden’s “Bleach” in the best way, and the song itself gets its aggressive and catchy point across in a quick two-minutes-and-thirty-eight seconds that exhaust you whilst keeping you wanting more and more. While the production on this particular track leaves a little something to be desired, “Quick” as a song is quite endearing, and as a record front-to-back has less filler than its predecessor, but not by much. The original version of “Girl,” which eventually got re-recorded on their major label debut was the band’s best song at the time, and is captured quite well here. If you identify as such, you will be the man o’ the year if you stream this album straight through with an open mind and wallet, sister.

Play it again: “Girl”
Skip it: Just under ⅓ of it

3. At Night We Live (2010)

“At Night We Live,” Far’s lone non-’90s full-length LP, served as a one-off comeback after the band initially split in 1999. It is definitely the first of which to be mentioned here that is consistent front to back, and the aforementioned cover of “Pony” isn’t even the best song by a longshot, as its first song “Deafening” is one of the better post-hardcore opening tracks, and “If You Cared Enough” is an amazing subsequent song. The record also served as a memorial to Sacramento peers’ Deftones’ late bassist Chi Cheng, who sadly left this earth way too soon after an automobile accident, and Far’s love for him and his bandmates burn forever and ever bright as they fight through 16,233,241 tears. Sadly the band split up again once more the year that “At Night We Live” came out and it looks like the original lineup will never reform.

Play it again: “Deafening”
Skip it: “Better Surrender”

2. Tin Cans with Strings to You (1996)

Far’s third full-length studio LP “Tin Cans with Strings to You” came out just a few years too early. We here firmly believe that if both of these records were released in the early-00s Far would have had an overabundance of sales and streams in the lexicon, and even more than five albums by now, but unfortunately that’s not how the cookies crumbled in the sea, circus, aisle, and cum dump known as the music industry. Still, the riffs, emotion, personality, and raw power of “Tin Cans with Strings to You” stood out in the mid-’90s, and will still impress heads today, especially since its competition is an AI song in C minor with lyrics that a third grader with remedial skills would scoff at. Sweat a river, live no lies.

Play it again: “Job’s Eyes”
Skip it: “Joining The Circus”

1. Water & Solutions (1998)

This gold medal slot may be extremely predictable to you, but sometimes cliches like The Beatles being good and pizza tasting great are such for a reason. We didn’t have a choice about how we handled this here, and we’re actually surprisingly relieved about that. Far’s fourth LP, is a top-five post-hardcore record ever sans hyperbole, and one of the more underrated rock gems of the 1990s, a decade with the best blend of rock and roll outside of the 1960s. Shoutouts are in order for Jonah Matranga, Shaun Lopez, John Gutenburger, and Chris Robyn. No shoutouts are deserved for the rock community that chose more sub-par groups to embrace. Maybe there was another way out for the band, but sadly their small white world was closing down.

Play it again: “Bury White”-”Waiting for Sunday”
Skip it: Fire and problems

Man On Day Two Of Typing Streaming Password Using Parents’ Remote

Posted on by Matt McInerney

MONTAGUE, Mass. — Local man Jack Callahan is reportedly on day two of trying to type his overly complicated Disney+ password using the remote for his parents’ Smart TV, bored sources reported.

“I don’t know why I did this to myself. I remember generating this 24-digit string full of random letters and symbols and thinking, ‘No one will ever crack this.’ I guess that includes myself,” said Callahan as a toddler continued to scream in the background. “Don’t all modern apps let you scan a QR code or something? How was I supposed to know they still make T9 keyboards? I think I had to push the same button seven times just to find an ‘@’ symbol. If I can’t get ‘Cars 3’ playing in the next hour, I think my wife is going to drive home without me.”

Aidan Callahan, Jack’s father, doesn’t understand why his son bothers with all this security nonsense.

“I already have the perfect system. You see here? I printed out a spreadsheet and taped it above my desk in the rumpus room, it’s got every password to every service I’ve ever used. And some that your mother signed up for that I can’t figure out how to cancel,” said the senior Callahan. “It’s flawless, really. When I sign up for a new service, I just add a row to the bottom. And when I want to ‘generate’ a password, as my son says, I just look around the room for a photo of something familiar, like a dead pet, and then add an exclamation mark. The exclamation mark ensures it’s secure.”

Boden Nelson is a security consultant for several top-secret institutions and is feeling a little jaded these days.

“I call it ‘security theater.’ You feel secure with your long, random password, but let’s be honest, this whole cat-and-mouse game is a sham. Anyone who wants to hack you can and will. If they haven’t yet, you’re just not important enough,” said Nelson. “And that’s just human hackers. We’re seconds away from AI taking over everything we know and love. And I promise your one-factor auth string of symbols can’t beat Skynet. So, maybe just go with ‘password123’ for your stupid streaming account. No one cares about your profile; your credit card is already on the dark web.”

At press time, Jack Callahan was seen acting out “Finding Nemo” to his son as an “incorrect password” modal flickered behind him.

A Look Back at Day One of The Hard Times on Our Ninth Anniversary

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

We see a lot of comments saying “The Hard Times used to be good” and today we provide you with definitive proof that we have never been good. Here are the first five articles we published back on December 14th, 2014. A simpler time.

Band Pretty Sure It’s Safe To Park Van Here Overnight

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Bandmates Confused After Straight Edge Singer Brings Podium to First Practice

Read more…

Henry Rollins to Start Third Black Flag

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Police Sketch of Suspect Matches Every Skinhead in Existence

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Punk House Surprisingly Clean

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25 Mountain Goats Songs To Play During Your Divorce Hearing That Will Make the Judge Say “How Did You Get a Bluetooth Speaker In Here? This Is a Court of Law”

Posted on by James Knapp

The Mountain Goats’ sound could be likened to the reality of being a weekend dad set in a minor key. As we’ve discussed before, the band exudes big divorce energy in nearly every element of their existence, and so it’s only natural that you’re gonna want to hear a couple of Goats songs while you yourself are dealing with bitter personal turmoil.

But there’s just one problem: that pesky guy in the big black robe who keeps insisting you’re “out of order!” Here are twenty-five Mountain Goats songs ranked by how mad that guy currently is at you. (Go listen to the playlist while you read along)

25. “Whole Wide World”

The judge was never going to be happy that you decided to bring your own soundtrack into his courtroom. But if you throw on “Whole Wide World” right after you’re sworn in it’s gonna be the most chill reaction you’re going to get outta the guy. And then it’s all downhill from here.

24. “Clean Slate”

Who says divorce hearings can’t be fun? Oh, right – the law. Well at least this catchy song with a snazzy horn section will help you make the most of it while your ex gives you the stink eye the whole time you’re there.

23. “Island Garden Song”

Judge’s are usually pretty dumb, so they probably won’t notice that this song is basically one long anarcho-primitivist fantasy. Also, if your judge happens to have a green thumb, playing this might help you get them to admit that your ex’s mother-in-law really is a total bitch.

22. “Fault Lines”

Play this one while the judge is in the bathroom, or right after they get back from lunch. The song won’t matter so much, they’ll just be more relieved in general.

21. “Jam Eater Blues”

Around this point, maybe refrain from trying to casually bring up whether or not the judge has ever had a sexual fantasy about that statue of the blindfolded lady in the toga with the scales they have in the back of the courthouse. Of course they have but they may not be ready to open up with you like that yet.

20. “This Year”

Surprisingly enough, the judge is actually gonna be pretty cool with this one. Sure, at first he’ll wanna knock your teeth out for playing such a crass song about youthful rebellion, but after a while he’ll chalk it all up to “boys will be boys” and let you off the hook – though the same cannot be said for your ex’s lawyer is a close friend of their dad.

19. “The Slow Parts on Death Metal Albums”

As long as you can resist the urge to really crank the volume on this song the judge will only be mildly annoyed by this whole fiasco. At least that’s as far as you can tell – judges don’t show anger the same way real humans do.

18. “Sax Rohmer #1”

At a certain point the judge will be forced to inform you that you will not in fact be going home like the song says, you will be going to small claims court for all those boat documents you attempted to smuggle into the Cayman Islands. Then he’s gonna call you a jerk, but that’ll be about it.

17. “Woke Up New”

While blasting this mellow-ass track about unflinching sadness isn’t gonna win you any points in court, it’s also soothing enough that it isn’t going to further instigate the judge’s wrath after it took you way too long to pair your phone with the speaker to begin with.

16. “Transcendental Youth”

This album closer is a great soundtrack for the moment when the judge finally throws the book at you. Not literally we mean – he’s not that mad. Though technically he did give your ex the house so maybe there is something to that.

15. “1 Samuel 15:23”

Anytime you quote the bible in court it’s really gonna be a toss-up depending on the verse and denomination of whoever controls your State’s judiciary at the time. Really, any track from “The Life of the World To Come” could work for this one, but “1 Samuel 15:23” is a pretty read song so screw it, we’re going with this.

14. “Elijah”

Have you ever heard your dad say “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.” Well, we’re sorry to tell you that he was in fact mad at you and, in this moment, so is everyone in the courtroom.

13. “Song For Sasha Banks”

Telling the courtroom “My daughter is named Sasha” is not going to put the judge in any less of a foul mood, particularly considering that your daughter’s name is Susan.

12. “For the Snakes”

This is the song that will make the judge finally reach over to take the speaker away from you. He’s not supposed to reach like that, and he’s definitely not allowed to grab you by the collar and shake you, but nobody else seems to be doing anything about this whole thing.

11. “The Best Ever Death Metal Band Out of Denton”

Hail Satan!!! But seriously, don’t play this in a courtroom unless you want the judge to angrily point out every reference to white Jesus that has been carved into the very framework of the courtroom.

10. “Make You Suffer”

Unfortunately, “make you suffer” is also what your ex’s lawyer promised to make you do at the start of this hearing. Somehow the song just doesn’t have the same appeal now.

9. “Linda Blair Was Born Innocent”

Listen, you don’t decide who is innocent – the judge does that. If you try to tell them otherwise it is going to end badly for you, so maybe give this one a skip until after the ruling on your failed marriage.

8. “Heretic Pride”

“Oh, there’s about to be a reckoning,” will say the judge when you play this song. But I doubt you’re gonna be so proud of yourself when it finally arrives, you arrogant little child support dodger.

7. “Going To Georgia”

As soon as this song mentions that you have a “Colt 45 with a busted safety catch” the judge will have already called over the bailiff to taser you into an electrocuted oblivion. Enjoy pissing your pants on the witness stand while your ex secures a hefty alimony payment.

6. “In League With Dragons”

We’re not really sure why the judge hates this one. But he’s now actively trying to have you thrown in prison for “fur fraud” for no reason so maybe just try to redirect him back to your divorce that’s going on.

5. “Paid In Cocaine”

Playing this might as well be an admission of fault. Even the stenographer will be looking to clock you hard when this track starts playing.

4. “The Legend of Chavo Guerrero”

Bad news. This judge is more of a Spike Dudley fan and he’s currently rolling up his sleeves for an Awesome Bomb with your name on it.

3. “Getting Into Knives”

From personal experience, we can tell you that just talking about extracurricular experiences with knives is a great way to have every cop in the building waiting to take you down right outside the courtroom doors while the judge, in righteous fury, orders your antique knife collection sold off to pay for court costs.

2. “Up the Wolves”

We mean, the lyrics to this one straight up say that you want to “kill all the judges.” There’s little chance you’ll be able to play this song without the judge bashing you over the head with their gavel in a rage-fueled impulse of self-preservation.

1. “No Children”

Your judge has definitely heard this one at so many divorce hearings before (you didn’t think you were the only one to think to sneak in a sleeper, did you?). But as such, every judge everywhere absolutely hates this song. Just the first few opening chords of “No Children” are enough to ensure that they will do everything they can to award your ex power over you for the rest of your life, and later your corpse for all of time.

Go listen to the full playlist:

Photo by Leslie Veen