Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Guy Who Spent Hours on Show Flyer Forgot to Practice, Fix Amp, Find a Drummer, Bassist, Singer

Posted on November 18, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa — Amateur musician Ryan Mason spent countless hours through the last couple weeks crafting a flyer for his band’s show tonight, forgetting to practice, fix his amp, write songs, or find any other musicians to join his band.

“Shit… fuck. Fuck! Goddamnit. Fuck,” said Mason. “When I booked tonight’s show, I figured I had plenty of time to form a band, create a cohesive sound, and write songs. But those 10 days just flew by. I guess it didn’t help that I spent most of that time clipping the perfect magazine photos to use for the flyer. But it seriously is a sick-looking show flyer.”

With just hours until showtime, Mason hastily posted a “musicians wanted” ad online earlier today, but only received a single response — from local guitarist Jonathan Prateek.

“I was browsing Craiglist when I saw in all caps, ‘NEED A DRUMMER, BASSIST, GUITARIST, NEW AMP FOR TONIGHT, MUST BE GOOD AT IMPROVISING, NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS.’ Obviously, I responded just to see how batshit this person was,” said Prateek. “Seconds later, I got an email from [Mason] giving me the time and address of the show and asking me to arrive with any and all instruments I had. He also attached scans of hand-written lyrics and then the words, ‘duh nuh nuh nuh der der nuh nuh…’ which I suppose is the guitar part for one of his songs.”

Despite lacking a proper band, songs, and any obvious talent, Mason still arrived to his gig on time, to the chagrin of venue owner Julie Donata.

“Ryan had a bass drum on his back, two cymbals strapped to his knees, and his guitar slung over his shoulders. When I asked where the band is, he said, ‘You’re looking at it’ before sauntering on stage,” said Donata. “His lyrics mostly plagiarized the opening act’s songs and WHAM’s ‘Careless Whisper.’ Later, his cymbals broke free and he clumsily chased them through the venue like he was in a goddamn Marx Brothers movie. Not the worst set I’ve ever seen, though.”

At press time, Mason had scheduled four more shows, including two out-of-town gigs, assuming that committing to them now will be just the motivation he needs to start a band “for real this time.”

Hardcore Band Called Out for Not Wiping Down Equipment After Set

Posted on November 17, 2019 by Tom Peters

ODESSA, Texas — Touring hardcore band Mormon Conversion Unit was criticized last night for failing to observe the established etiquette of wiping down the equipment after their set, according to impatient sources waiting their turn nearby.

“I know this scene is supposed to be a judgement free zone, but that’s just unsanitary… how is every inch of the mic cord soaked?” said Petey Huck, the drummer for Circle War, the next band to play. “If they asked us to backline gear for tonight’s show, the least they can do is give it a courtesy sweat wipe. You should have seen the drum throne — this guy left a puddle a frog could take a bath in. I’m not trying to get MRSA again.”

“Not to mention, you should always rewrap your cables when you’re done with them. And no slamming mic stands!” he added. “I know these rules are unwritten, but they really should be posted somewhere.”

Circle War frontman Ronnie Falco attempted to confront Mormon Conversion Unit, but was ultimately unsuccessful.

“I tried to give the MCU guys a piece of my mind in the green room, but I was a little intimidated by how comfortable they were with nudity,” Falco said. “I mean, the bassist was walking around wearing only a hockey jersey… and I mean ‘only.’ It was kind of hard to maintain eye contact.”

However, MCU guitarist Alan Richter claimed Circle War members committed their own social faux pas.

“Here I am blasting through my set, and these dweebs are standing right next to me, just offstage,” said Richter. “It’s like, look, bro… I know you’re next. You don’t have to hover. Just let me get my set in and I’ll go. Act like you’ve been here before.”

At press time, the two bands appeared to have made peace as Falco was spotting Richter while he loaded a bass cab into the back seat of his girlfriend’s Honda.

Photo by Kat Chish.

Self-Loathing Gamer Treats His Body Like a Water Temple

Posted on November 17, 2019 by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Expressing his disdain for its sluggish pace and uninteresting design, local gamer Tyler Brew said self-loathingly that he treats his body like a water temple, concerned sources said.

“People love to say their bodies are temples, but they never specify what kind. I’m definitely a water temple,” said Brew, pacing around his house with the same slow, reluctant energy that he feels whenever entering another annoying underwater puzzle. “I mean, I mostly just hear that from stupid self-absorbed yoga instructors who probably think they’re all a bunch of fire temples anyway, but I just wish people would be more specific and honest about it if we’re gonna start talking about temples at all. There are a lot of different kinds and they’re not all fun.”

Brew says that this view of his own body complements the way he approaches self care. Sources say that Brew gets around three to four hours of sleep each night, eats takeout for every meal, and hasn’t exercised or flossed in years.

“I don’t want to put in any more effort than I have to with water temples or my body,” Brew explained, pausing to go outside and receive a delivery of Chinese food that had arrived. “I really do wish that I liked both more, but at the end of the day, I need to admit to myself that water temples are stupid wastes of time that I only put up with because I have to. Same goes for my body.”

At press time, Brew had opened up his computer in frustration to look up a walkthrough on how to get through his 30s without taking any damage.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

“Where’s A Good Place To Donate Blood?” Asks Man Carrying Around Loose Blood

Posted on November 17, 2019 by Nick Ortolani

AUBURN, Maine — Local man David Strathe asked locals yesterday where he could donate blood while frantically attempting to balance multiple bags, sacks, containers, and handfuls of loose blood, according to alarmed yet morbidly curious sources.

“The blood was disorganized, to say the least,” said eyewitness Kelly Harrington. “Some of it was in hermetically sealed bags and properly refrigerated, but other piles or whatever were in briefcases, backpacks, ziplocks, old fast food soda cups, tupperware… and I’m pretty sure I saw at least one partially cleaned cottage cheese container.”

“It just seemed ominous,” she added. “He seemed like he was really in a rush — like he had a lot of blood to get rid of, and quickly.”

While Strathe claimed it all belongs to him, medical professionals have doubts about whether he could generate this much blood, much less extract it from himself.

“He couldn’t tell us what blood type it was,” said phlebotomist Isabella Gomez. “When we asked, he just responded, ‘Wet.’ And when I asked if it was his, he said it was, ‘100 percent organic, farm raised, all that good stuff.’ I’m not sure what that means, and I don’t think we could’ve taken it even if it were an emergency. Blood isn’t supposed to have lint in it… not even Italian blood.”

Concern only grew when Strathe attempted to donate the blood at drop-off sites not intended to hold bodily fluid.

“I saw him out in the Shaw’s parking lot trying to stuff a giant, wet trash bag into one of those clothes donation dumpster things,” stated local townie Deb Stolz. “It looked like someone trying to wrestle a water bed. I don’t know why he’s gotta donate it anyway — seems unfair he gets to have all this blood while some of us have none. I’m pretty sure that’s what that Bernie guy’s been talking about.”

At press time, Strathe was carrying fair amounts of the blood in multiple cargo pockets and a small pool of extra in his mouth.

Fact Check: Are Horny MILFs in My Area Really Looking to Get It on Tonight?

Posted on November 17, 2019 by Dan Rice

The Claim: According to an internet ad my neighborhood is full of horny mature women looking to get wet and wild with ME right now, and I could talk to them for FREE.

Rating: Unclear

Origin: While watching “The Mandalorian” on a shady pirate streaming site, a pop up window showed me an attractive, scantily-clad woman somewhere between the ages of 23 and 55. According to the ad she was just one of hundreds of insatiable MILFs living right here in my neighborhood; so desperate that they were willing to have sex with me right now, sight-unseen.

I Clicked On It For A Friend: I’m not the sort of person who relies on the internet to find sexual companionship but I thought the offer would be perfect for a guy I know who is into that stuff.

You Still Need A Fucking Credit Card?!: Apparently this site would have you believe that they are connecting horny matured women with young studs like myself (by which I mean my friend) purely out of good will. No money is involved. HOWEVER, they still need your credit card number for age verification purposes. This is where my investigation hit a bit of a snag.

My Parents Took My Card Away: After some fraudulent charges popped up on my credit card last year from a penis enlargement pill company I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF, my parents foolishly decided that it would be best that I do not have my own credit card.

My Dad’s Card Didn’t Work: This guy I know who is into MILF stuff (whatever that is, I’ve never even heard of this shit) is like a really good friend so I really wanted to help him out. I decided to just use my dad’s card which I took the liberty of memorizing a long time ago but it did not work. Apparently he got a new card after some weird charges he got from a company called bangbussluts.com that I know nothing about.

Whatever: I’m over it. My friend is more into hentai stuff now anyway.

World’s Biggest Pulley Fan Buys Band’s Entire Discography By Purchasing “Punk-O-Rama” Vol. 2-10

Posted on November 17, 2019 by Dustin Meadows

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Former skater and aging punk Brett Ryerson claimed his spot yesterday as the world’s biggest Pulley fan, citing his ownership of their complete discography on “Punk-O-Rama” Volumes 2-10.

“You know, a lot of people stopped around the sixth ‘Punk-O-Rama’ after Pulley dropped ‘Runaway’ on that album, but then they’ll sleep on bangers like ‘Bad Reputation’ and ‘Bloodstain’ from the later albums,” said Ryerson. “We’re talking eight solid songs that span their 10-year career as a band. I’ve tried to dig up some of the Euro versions of the releases to see if there’s any bonus Pulley material, but so far no luck.”

Nobody else shared Ryerson’s assessment of Pulley’s popularity and influence.

“Most of these kids nowadays were raised on Fearless Records’ ‘Pop Goes…’ compilations — they’ve never heard of real punk pioneers like Ten Foot Pole, Gas Huffer, or The Offspring… The Offspring before they started to suck, I mean,” said fellow punk Darby Simms. “That’s why I’m so surprised Brett loves Pulley so much: they never had the lead track on any comp, and as far as anyone knows, Pulley never released anything else. You would think Epitaph would’ve wanted them to at least release an EP if they were promoting them so heavily.”

Pulley lead singer Scott Radinsky was both surprised and delighted by Ryerson’s dedication to his band.

“I’m just glad someone’s still playing our songs, you know? I get emails all the time from fans asking if we’re ever going to get back together, and I always need to tell them we never actually broke up,” said Radinsky. “I wish Epitaph would consider releasing more of the ‘Punk-O-Rama’ series — we have about one or two new songs we’ve been working on for the past eight years and have no idea how to release them.”

At press time, Ryerson announced he will no longer eat at the mall food court because the free samples employees hand out are never enough to fill him up.

George Lucas’ Daughter Furious After Discovering Special Edition of High School Graduation Video

Posted on November 16, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — Amanda Lucas, daughter of Star Wars creator George Lucas, was reportedly enraged after discovering that her father had made unsolicited changes to the home recording of her 1999 high school graduation ceremony.

“I can’t believe that asshole made a Special Edition,” said Lucas, upon discovering the CGI touch-ups and scenes added to the footage of her receiving a diploma from Graceland High. “Who would want this? None of these scenes add anything to the ceremony, and Mr. Bogar one hundred percent did not ride in on a dewback. And I promise you that valedictorian Jenny Harrison did NOT close her commencement speech by yelling ‘Maclunkey!’It doesn’t even make sense.”

Having discovered the VHS tape after a recent move and viewing it for the first time in decades, Amanda was frustrated to discover that she’d no longer be able to revisit the ceremony the way she had initially experienced it.

“Oh sure, that version was fine, people enjoyed it,” said George Lucas, in response to the controversy. “But it always felt imperfect to me and I finally had the tools to get in there and make some changes. I’d always envisioned the ghost of my dead grandmother, who was also named Amanda, up there sitting on a log, just sort of watching over everything. So it felt great to be able to finally add that. As well as a big traffic jam in the sky. Stuff like that really distracts from the childish dialogue you hear at these things.”

Despite pleas from his daughter to release the unaltered version of the video, Lucas has stood by his changes. Sadly, this is merely the latest in a series of controversial edits to significant moments in his children’s lives.

“Ugh, first my sixth-grade spelling bee and now this,” said Amanda. “I swear my dad is trying to ruin my childhood!”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Dying Man Confesses Juggalos Are a Myth He Invented to Fuck With Vice

Posted on November 16, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Recently deceased man Jerry Davidson confessed on his deathbed last week that Juggalos, the clown-faced fans of Insane Clown Posse, are an elaborate hoax he invented to fuck with Vice reporters, shocked sources confirmed.

“There were two things my dad loved: pulling pranks, and fucking with VICE reporters. He’d always send Vice reporters information that the KKK was holding a rally at a local Safeway and just laugh and laugh when they showed up and found nothing more than a sale on Triscuits. But the Juggalo myth was his magnum opus,” said daughter Kristi Davidson-Carillo. “This joke took on a life of its own — all of a sudden, there were ‘I saw a Juggalo’ shirts and ‘Juggalo Country’ bumper stickers being sold at every tourist trap in central California.”

Widow Claudia Davidson explained how her husband executed the outlandish prank.

“For months, he’d leave hatchets and empty Faygo bottles throughout wooded areas of Bakersfield, and place tracks in the mud with a pair of Osiris sneakers. But it wasn’t until Jerry released the grainy, 11-second film clip of the first ‘Gathering of the Juggalos’ that things really took off,” said Claudia. “Of course, the video was just him and his buddies goofing off… but nearly everything we associate with Juggalos is there: white dude dreads, chain wallets, ‘whoop whoop’ ninjas. And now every year, hundreds of fellow jokesters gather each year as a tongue-in-cheek celebration of my Jerry’s video.”

Vice reporter and amatuer cryptozoologist Terri O’Leary was skeptical of the revelation, having spent nearly 20 years covering Juggalos.

“As someone intimately familiar with the very real Juggalo phenomenon, I wasn’t impressed at all with this alleged confession. Sure, it may seem to be the final nail in the coffin of the Juggalo myth. But what about all the flimsy, circumstantial evidence I’ve dedicated my life to over-analyzing?” said O’Leary. “Plus, consider the fact that this so-called ‘definitive proof’ essentially means my entire adult life has been a complete waste of time. And that certainly can’t be true. Right?”

Davidson’s deathbed confession has reignited interest in other music-based conspiracy theories, such as the alleged pyramid scheme of Norway’s death metal scene and Morrissey secretly being a really chill dude.

Lame Step Siblings Have Zero Sexual Chemistry

Posted on November 16, 2019 by Mark Maira

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Newly related step-siblings Kara Sullivan and Aiden Zendowski have very little to no sexual chemistry, confused and frustrated sources living in the family’s neighborhood confirmed.

“I get that they’re just getting to know each other, and that can be weird… but it’s just so bizarre that those two aren’t banging yet. If the internet has taught me anything, these two should be exploring each other’s bodies in ways that used to be banned in most states,” said close friend Kevin Cain. “He’s never followed her around, playfully teasing her until they end up having sex… and she never goes into his room wearing a mini skirt with no panties, flirtatiously poking fun at him until he just needs to give her every last inch. It’s really bizarre.”

“Can they even be considered step siblings at that point?” added Cain. “I’m not sure what the rules are.”

Those initially concerned the children would be “insatiable fuck beasts who wouldn’t be torn apart until every ounce of moisture left their body” were taken aback to learn that the house hasn’t been turned into a lubed-up fuck den.

“Look, I’ve worked with Al Zendowski for years — he’s a great guy who went through a messy divorce, and I don’t like judging how he raises his new family,” said Mr. Zendowski’s co-engineer Robert Farrish. “But, if you’ve got your son and step-daughter under one roof and they’re not fucking each other blind on camera… that really says a lot about the home life you’re setting up for them. If these two aren’t fucking by the end of the month, I’m calling the authorities.”

Famous porn producer Viktor K. Chernov admitted he’s approached the siblings multiple times about doing scenes for his website, StepSisterLove.com.

“I’ve always told them it would be done tastefully, on a Disney-themed duvet cover… maybe something from the first person perspective,” explained Chernov. “But every time I ask, they both refuse. It reads as unnatural to me. I’m not sure what their deal is, but I’m only going to solicit them 60 or 70 more times before giving up.”

Sources say the issue compounded following reports that the new Mrs. Zendowski hasn’t even attempted to swallow every inch of her step-son while her husband is on a work retreat.

We Sat Down With My Bloody Valentine Only to Realize Halfway Through They Were Bullet for My Valentine

Posted on November 16, 2019 by Bobby Korec

Shoegaze pioneers My Bloody Valentine changed music forever with their genre-defining album “Loveless.” As it turns out, their name bears a striking resemblance to a metal band from Wales. We recently found this out the hard way by snagging an interview with a band we thought were going to be My Bloody Valentine, but turned out to be Bullet For My Valentine. Since we can’t let original content go to waste and think it’ll help our SEO, here is our chat with Bullet For My Valentine with questions we were going to ask My Bloody Valentine.

Hard Times: Thank you so much for taking the time to sit down with us and answer a few questions. Since we don’t have a lot of time, do you mind if we call you Valentine for short?

Bullet For My Valentine: Umm, yeah sure. Valentine is fine.

Fantastic. Now, as a band, what does Valentine think about the current state of the shoegaze genre?

We’re more metal guys.

Interesting. Would you say that you listen to more metal than shoegaze?

I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone who listens to our music that metal is a big part of who we are as people. What’s with you and shoegaze?

Let’s move on. Critics have said that your use of textured guitar techniques to create vivid soundscapes were integral in helping establish a new genre of music.

This is the first we’ve heard that before. Which genre of music? Metalcore? Post-Metal?

Shoegaze.

The fuck?

Yeah, with your 1991 release Loveless.

That’s not one of our albums.

Yes, it is. I read your entire Wikipedia page to prep for this interview. Says right here that My Bloody Valentine formed in Dublin in 1983.

We’re not My Bloody Valentine. We’re Bullet For My Valentine.

Well, shit. Please don’t tell my boss. They wanted me to interview a legendary band and are going to kill me when they find out I got you guys instead.

Do you have any questions for us? We’ve toured all over the world, won awards, and have millions of fans, so we have a lot to say. So, go ahead and ask away.

Actually, we only have time for one more question.

Well, OK. What do you want to know?

Don’t you think it’s cool how My Bloody Valentine used textured guitar techniques to create vivid soundscapes that was integral in helping establish a new genre of music?

I think we’re done here.

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