Fourth HAIM Sister Unearthed From Chernobyl Ruins

Posted on by Freelancer

PRIPYAT, Ukraine — Officials at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant discovered yesterday a fourth HAIM sister buried beneath a previously untouched mass of uranium fuel rods in the turbine hall of the plant’s Unit 4 nuclear reactor, an international watchdog group confirmed.

“Naturally, we were astonished there even was a fourth HAIM sister,” said Matías Barrasco, the program coordinator for the United Nations-sponsored Chernobyl Recovery and Development Programme. “We’re all really big fans of the ‘Days Are Gone’ album, so we couldn’t believe not one of us knew there was another sibling — much less one who could withstand the nuclear fallout of an RBMK reactor core explosion.”

Found sister Lyudmila Haim is being monitored under radioactive quarantine at Slavutych Medical Centre in the Chernihiv Oblast of northern Ukraine.

“Lyudmila will not say where she learned to speak, or who feeds her or clothes her,” said head nurse Yelyzaveta Kolisnyk through loud, racking sobs as she made the sign of the cross with a prayer rope. “She only says that she wants to be with her sisters, and then her eyes go black while she emits a blue stream of ionized radiation from her mouth. How many HAIM’s are there, anyway?”

When reached for comment, the HAIM sisters corroborated reports attesting to the existence of a fourth sibling.

“Oh, yeah… I do kind of remember that. I always wondered what happened to her,” said bassist and vocalist Este Haim. “Anyways, she needs to be able to play an instrument if she wants to be in the band. Grandma already put dibs on trombone, so she better figure something out if she wants to come on tour.”

“She also definitely needs to get her radiation under 3.5 millisievert if she wants a space in the queen-sized bed we all share at night,” added lead vocalist and guitarist Danielle Haim.

At press time, The International Atomic Energy Agency was investigating reports of a potential third Winklevoss at the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant in Ōkuma, Japan.

Pokémon Trainer Dad Suddenly Remembers Kids Are at Day Care After Four Months

Posted on by Noah Ammerman

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local Pokémon trainer Dan Whitworth realized early this morning that two of his children were still at Morningside Child Care Center. Employees at the daycare told reporters that Whitworth dropped them off in mid-July.

“I was out grinding for cash and exp. with my newest kids when it hit me all of a sudden,” recounted Whitworth, who has adopted nearly 100 more children in the past four months. “I was pretty sure I left some of my other kids at day care, but I couldn’t really remember which ones. The facility was nearby, so I stopped by out of curiosity.”

According to those familiar with the situation, unfortunately, parents like Whitworth are all too common.

“I’m honestly just so heartsick about how often parents forget their kids here,” said day care worker Sandy LeShay. “I feel like ever since kids got popular, parents started dumping their weakest ones at day care so they could focus on raising the better ones.”

Several community members have come forward with concerns about Whitworth’s parental negligence. When asked to comment on these allegations, Whitworth seemed bewildered.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” remarked Whitworth. “I’m pretty attached to my current party of kids. They’re doing way better than the ones I had a few months ago. Tara does her homework without having to be asked, and River can already run a six-minute mile. At this point, it would be pretty dumb to switch those other kids into the mix.”

The Polk County Police Department has since issued a statement condemning this rising trend in parental behavior, citing the strain it puts on both public works and local businesses. Day care staff all across the metro area have echoed these concerns. 

“Thousands of kids are abandoned indefinitely at day care every year,” lamented Nurse Joy, a local physician. “When those facilities fill up, they have to send some of the kids to the nearest medical center. There are so many, we had to start housing them in little boxes.”

Though the Whitworth family was ultimately reunited, the competitive child-rearing community has maintained the same detached attitude toward the treatment of children, a fact to which Whitworth himself attests.

“I have a reputation as an elite parent to uphold, so I can’t waste time worrying about all the kids who get benched,” said Whitworth, shoving a child into a small box to make room for one he found wandering the woods nearby. “Although, if these rumors about rerolling on personalities is true, I might give it a second thought.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Review: Pokémon Sword and Shield are Games With Features and I Am Scared to Say Any More

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

Hello and rejoice, Pokémon fans, because today is the release of Pokémon Sword and Shield! This is our review of it and I can say that the newest installment of the Pokémon series is indeed a Pokémon game. I fear what will happen if I offer any opinions beyond that.

As it makes the jump onto a new console with the Nintendo Switch, Pokémon Sword and Shield offer new interesting features — well, you know, they’re features, not necessarily interesting or uninteresting — like dynamaxing which allows your Pokémon to take massive forms, ballooning up like the outrage towards a Famitsu interview given by game producer Junichi Masuda. Is dynamaxing good? No way I’m gonna let you know.

The game also introduces a new wild area. The wild is a semi-open world approach with freely roaming Pokémon that could be described as reminiscent of the safari zone, but instead I will say this zone has textures, trees, and even water, so that I don’t see the trending hashtag #HardDriveLied or #HardDriveShillsGameFreak. The trees are… you know what? Moving on.

With the newest entry to the Pokémon franchise, there’s also an entirely new region to explore. The Galar region is a land heavily inspired by Great Britain, referencing many of the country’s iconic landmarks and culture. Similarly I am also inspired by British culture in that I write in fear of an authoritarian force that will gladly order my execution should I fail to uphold their religious views. These feelings were not baked into the designs of the newest Pokémon, however.

Much like their predecessors, Sword and Shield opt to continue the series trend of a story with a beginning, middle and end. Often times I would look at the various characters in the game — which I will absolutely not number — like my rival Hop and wonder if they understood what it would be like to have a thread shitting on you be the top voted post on r/Pokémon. God I hope they never have to. 

As for the attack animations in the new Pokémon, I’ll say that my writing career was marked for death the moment I took on this awful assignment.

When it comes down to it, Pokémon Sword and Shield have Pokémon in it. A number of them, even. Can you catch them all? Well who’s to say, I suppose? You can certainly “catch them all” if by “them,” you’re referring to the various death threats I could receive just by saying I like or dislike the game. So, yeah, in a way, maybe you can.

I give Pokémon Sword and Shield for the Nintendo Switch an Unown out of 10.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

 

Band at Rehearsal Space Realizes New Song’s Been Missing 10 Metal Bands Playing Simultaneously in All Directions

Posted on by Jeff Cardello

MESA, Ariz. — Indie-folk band The Fox and the Nightingale discovered during a jam session at their new practice space last night that what their music was really lacking was multiple heavy metal bands all playing at the same time, sources wishing they were deaf confirmed.

“We had to find a new practice space because my wife needed to use the garage for her eBay business,” said guitarist and vocalist Autumn Cadden. “When we moved into the space, we brought our guitars, Peavey practice amps, a single electronic drum pad, and wind chimes… which were all overpowered by a wall of evil and noise coming from the studio next door that’s been completely absent from our sound in the past. We were going to add a toy xylophone to try to fill out our sound a bit, but what we really need is a bunch of metal bands all playing over us.”

Brennan Diggs, the owner of Ace Studios, saw the band load in with 8” speakers and offered to lend them some of his Marshall amps, but the band allegedly refused.

“When they checked out after their session, they seemed super happy — they were asking me if I heard the new one they were working on… ‘Dandelion Sunset’ or some other hippy nonsense. I told them no, and they all gave me a high five,” said Diggs. “Bands with perfectly soundproofed practice spaces will never understand the benefit of having a dozen metal bands drowning out your sound. At our studios, we’re proud to offer that experience… along with the beer-stained, cigarette-smelling, wall-to-wall carpeting we’re famous for.”

For their part, the metal bands rehearsing were completely unaware that The Fox and the Nightingale were even there.

“We turn up all the way,” said Lucas Steele, bassist of the doom metal band Goat Martyr. “If there were any other bands playing, we certainly didn’t hear them… and to be honest, we don’t care. What the hell is The Fox and the Nightingale, anyway? Sounds like a vegan laundromat or some other hipster bullshit.”

Following their discovery, The Fox and the Nightingale booked more time at Ace Studios, eager to work on new material accompanied by every subgenre of heavy metal.

“We can’t wait to not make out what we’re playing while inside an unairconditioned, converted storage space 40 minutes away on the one night of the week when all of our schedules are open,” said Autumn.

Photo by Kat Chish.

Black Mirror Writer Trying to Think of Most Evil Thing a FitBit Could Do

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LONDON — “Black Mirror” show creator Charlie Brooker admitted today that he’s struggling to conceive of the scariest thing a rogue FitBit could do as he tries to get a head start on writing scripts for the fifth season of the science fiction series.

“Man… this should be easy by now, but it’s actually getting harder,” complained Brooker, who created the popular show and wrote the bulk of its episodes over the previous four seasons. “We’ve touched on just about every piece of modern technology and what it would be like if it turned on us: phones, video games, you name it. I’m really at a wall on this one, though. What’s the most sinister shit a FitBit could do? Bad stat keeping? Maybe like, a mild electric shock from the battery?”

To better inform his writing, Brooker visited a Best Buy store to learn about the more dire things the wireless, data-tracking wristbands could do.

“What could go wrong?” asked Todd Bunger, a sales associate that greeted Brooker, rhetorically. “I mean, not a whole lot, really. The display might get a little wonky if you get it wet, I suppose. No, wait — they’re all waterproof. I guess if you left it in a hot car it might start acting weird. They’re pretty durable, but I wouldn’t run it over with your car or anything.”

“We can totally sell you a warranty if you’re worried about anything happening,” Bunger added. “I’ve never heard of any major problems, though, if we’re being honest.”

However, rumors of the FitBit plotline and several others were leaked via Twitter earlier this week, prompting mixed reactions from fans of the show.

“Wow. That sounds pretty lame, to be honest,” said Brendan Neville, who’s been watching since the show’s first season. “Honestly, though, that’s not even the worst sounding one of this new batch. I heard they’re doing one where a bird becomes President, and then some bullshit about a family with every person in it named Kim. Honestly, what the fuck?”

At press time, director Jordan Peele was reportedly hard at work considering which of the original 156 episodes of “The Twilight Zone” he would reboot next.

Fans Protest New Madden Game After EA Reveals It Won’t Feature Every Player Since Beginning of NFL

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MAITLAND, Fla. — Fans are gearing up to boycott upcoming football video game Madden NFL 21 after EA revealed that the game will not feature every single football player since the NFL began in 1920.

“Everyone has a favorite football player, so you know someone’s going to be upset when they realize they can’t run around the field with Chuck Bednarik or Bronko Nagurski,” said u/blitzxet83 in a Reddit thread that was upvoted 150,000 times. “And to be clear, I’m not talking about myself, a 36-year-old man. I’m talking about the kids. I know for sure there’s going to be scores of 8-year-olds who pick this game up and wonder why they can’t see Tom Brady going head to head with Roger Staubach.”

According to EA, the newest game would have to add 23,204 players to the newest game in order to include every retired football player since the formation of the NFL. According to various redditors, however, this would not be a major issue.

“I’ve crunched the numbers and you could finish that up in a few days, tops,” commented u/galaringerror420. “There’s already a create-a-player mode in the new game. So let’s say it takes you three minutes to make each historical NFL player using that. Now, let’s also say EA has a small team of 100 developers dedicated to adding in all of the old players. That means every three minutes, we get 300 new characters. So if they work four hours a day, that’s 7,200 characters each day. Boom: you finish up the whole thing in just over three days.”

“Frankly, it’s clear the developers are incredibly lazy,” added several identical replies.

Despite complaints, there are some fans who don’t care about the missing characters.

“Every single year, EA puts out another Madden game that updates the roster and that’s it,” explained Twitter user @jeremiahsmiling. “The game is almost exactly as the one before it, it’s not particularly exciting or compelling, and it costs way too much money at $60 a pop. And every year, I buy it up like a sucker. I don’t deserve new features or gameplay. Just give daddy his sport game.”

As of press time, fans were riled up even further after a dataminer discovered that all of the football fields in the game were reused assets from Madden NFL 20.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

I Would Die for My Bandmates but I Never Said Anything About Not Hitting on Their Girlfriends

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Everyone knows this about me — if a dude walked into this bar right now with a gun and fired at my bandmates, I would jump in front of that bullet without hesitation. Your band is your family and you die for your family. But nowhere in the pact does it say I can’t try and get their girlfriends to sleep with me.

If anything, God forbid, were to happen to Tommy, Grizzy, Tall Paul, and Bingo — I don’t know what I would do with myself. I would probably take my own life too but not until after I send a dick pic to each one of their grieving girlfriends and see if there are any takers.

Now you might say, “Didn’t you text Tall Paul’s now-fiance when he was out of down to see if she wanted to come over and blow you?” To which I answer, “I was testing her loyalty to a man I love more than my blood relatives. How far that test went was up to her.”

Now, if she was blowing me and Tall Paul walked in the door and caught us, but then someone else came in with a gun and tried to shoot Tall Paul, you can bet your ass I would man up and use his fiance’s body as a human shield to protect me and my brother-in-rock, Tall Paul.

If my band and I were in some sort of horror movie scenario where some psycho was all like, “One of you has to choose to die or all of you die.” I’d be like, “Bro, fuckin’ cut me now and save my boys.” But if that psycho was like, “You can clap Amy’s cheeks and Bingo don’t gotta know about it…” Sign me up, bruh!

We are a family and all families fight. Some families fight about finances, some families fight politics, some families fight about how I grabbed Fiona’s ass while the rest of the band was loading in gear. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t die for one another.

Oh sweet, the guys are coming over to the van now! They’re holding weapons and they look pissed. Someone must have fucked with our family and I for one cannot wait to see the look on the face of whatever dumbfuck… oh fuck.

Galarian Vegan Only Eats Plant-Based Pokémon

Posted on by Tyler Snodgrass

GALAR — Mina Fielding has joined the increasingly popular vegan lifestyle, vowing to help fight climate change and animal cruelty by avoiding all meat and dairy products and only consuming the flesh of plant-based Pokémon.

 “The meat industry is responsible for the cruel deaths of countless creatures, and it also greatly contributes to climate change,” said Fielding, a fledgling Pokémon trainer and freshman sociology student. “So I’m doing my part by only eating plant-based foods, like vegetables, soybeans, Glossifleur, that kind of thing.”

 Fielding reportedly watched the first ten minutes of a documentary about the meat industry before deciding to stop eating meat entirely. Products like the Beyond Burger and the Impossible Burger have made transitioning to a plant-based diet much easier for longtime meat-eaters, but Fielding said she didn’t want to eat anything that even tasted like meat. 

However, she does still prefer to eat food with eyes, voices, and the ability to suffer.

“After a while you don’t even miss meat anymore. The idea of eating a Miltank burger, for example, just sounds disgusting,” Fielding said, biting into a screaming Oddish.

 Many meat eaters insist that fish and fish-like Pokémon don’t feel pain, thereby making the farming and eating of those those creatures ethical. Fielding and other Galarian vegans claim that argument is a fallacy, and that eating plant-based Pokémon is the only choice for those concerned about animal welfare and the environment.

“People can make as many excuses as they want, but the truth is that meat is murder,” said Fielding, opening a plastic bag of Cherubi, releasing their cries of agony into the air.

When asked if consuming ghost-type Pokémon would be ethical, Fielding responded that she wasn’t sure, but, if it is even possible, she would be open to trying it.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Smokers Can Hear Band Just Fine

Posted on by Collin Canning

HALIFAX, N.S. — Local band Goblin Fist allegedly sounded just as good last night to the smokers outside the venue as it would if they were inside actually watching the band’s set, relaxed sources report.

“I’ve been smoking outside of Goblin Fist gigs for years, and they always put on one hell of a show from what I can tell,” said fan Sandy Gallant, lighting a cigarette from the ember of another. “I paid the cover and grabbed a few shots during setup, so I’m still supporting the band from out here.”

The garage-rock trio finished their set to an empty bar and applause from the sidewalk outside of Frank’s Pub, a popular venue in the city.

“This venue is the best spot to stand outside and smoke and talk to people while bands are playing. People line the windows to catch their local faves almost every night,” according to local band avoider and Yelp Elite reviewer Carrie Wade. “You can hear half of the drums super clearly from outdoors, some of the bass, and most of what the singer is saying between songs if they have a high-pitched voice. Plus, people can smoke as much as they want, and even reef on a joint if they’re smart about it. It really is the best of both worlds.”

While most attendees stayed outdoors, some fans actually preferred to remain inside the pub during the show.

“It’s super rude that people leave during the band’s set… and dumb, too, since the bathroom provides the best sound clarity in the entire building. And there’s always ice in the urinal to help keep your drink cold,” stated longtime fan Matty Pineo. “Plus, I can vape like a motherfucker in here no prob. The third stall has the best acoustics, if you ask me.”

Toward the end of the show, merch guy Jeremy Loeb moved the T-shirt table onto the sidewalk in an attempt to boost sales.

“Apparently this is the spot to be if you want to sell a goddamn T-shirt,” said Loeb, counting the band’s float amid a heavy cloud of smoke. “So far, the only person to come to the table was some guy who asked if I could spare any change. So we’re actually down a loonie. Christ, it’s cold out here!”

At press time, showgoers were leaving the gig to drink outside of the midnight premiere of their friend’s new film.

Photo by Collin Canning.

Panicked, Blood Spattered Guitarist Insisting Band Go on Tour Immediately

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

DENVER — Panicked local guitarist Leonard Walsh wiped blood from his face moments ago while insisting his band drop everything, hit the road under cover of darkness, and begin touring immediately, preferably in a country without a U.S. extradition treaty.

“A musician should always be prepared to pack up their lives and never, ever look back… for an out-of-town gig, obviously, and no other reason. I go where the music takes me. And right now the music is taking me the fuck out of Dodge,” said Walsh while pacing around with his hands on his head. “I just have that urge to flee the scene and play live music, far, far away from this town.”

“Nothing suspicious about a band hitting the road, creating a bunch of flyers saying the tour started a week ago, and convincing locals four states over that I was definitely playing at a bar there,” he added while burning all his clothes in a trash can in his backyard.

Drummer Tawny Schaefer was at the band’s shared loft when Walsh “kicked open the door”’ and demanded everyone get in the van.

“Leonard loudly proclaimed, ‘Good news, guys. I booked us a tour but we have to leave right now. Like, right, right now.’ And then he said, ‘It’s not blood — this isn’t blood on my shirt,’ totally unprompted,” said Schaefer. “He wouldn’t tell us where we were going because he didn’t want us to post anything online, which seemed counterintuitive. When I explained I didn’t have my drums and Tom had to restring his guitar, he said, ‘Fuck that shit. We don’t need instruments to tour.’”

Detective Ed Micmillan was on the alleged murder scene, calling it “violent,” “gut-wrenching” and “some of the worst shit he’s seen in 20 years on the force.”

“We believe the suspect to be a 25 to 55-year-old male wearing size 11 boots, and based on this patch we found, a huge fan of Sick of it All. He’s also the worst goddamn lyricist to ever put pen to paper,” said Micmillan holding up a bloody lyric notebook. “The way he tried to force a rhyme of ‘luck’ with ‘spunk’ is enough to make a person sick. That’s a half-rhyme at best. This guy is gonna go away for a long time. Mainly for the murder.”

Currently, the band is on tour in an undisclosed location. While Walsh changed the band’s name online, none of their 12 Facebook followers noticed.

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