Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Lying Awake Contemplating Mortality Only Consistent Part of Bedtime Routine

Posted on December 1, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

MANHATTAN, Kan. — Bleary-eyed local woman Sharon Esses reported this morning that the only consistent part of her bedtime routine is lying awake and contemplating her mortality.

“I haven’t remembered to floss in about a month. I often forget to wash off my makeup… and mouthwash? Forget it. But I never, ever miss out on lying in bed and endlessly thinking, ‘Oh, God, I don’t want to die.’ Every. Single. Night,” said Esses. “And then I start to worry that I’m wasting time worrying about something I can’t change — next thing you know, I have to wake up for work in four hours. Meanwhile, my boyfriend’s peacefully sawing logs next to me and my dog is sleeping the night away on the floor, totally immune to the horrors of everyday life.”

Boyfriend Matthew Stott has tried in vain to help Esses get more rest.

“I’ve bought her a ton of sleep aides, but they all only seem to make things worse,” said Ferguson. “For instance, the weighted blanket apparently feels like the ‘crushing weight of her existential dread.’ The eye mask, of course, sends her into panic mode imagining the eternal darkness of the grave. And the lavender pillow? Well, it turns out the chemical they used on the pillow made her break out in this nasty rash. So, yeah… that was a rough couple of days.”

Sleep specialist Ishana Pital explained that the nighttime anxiety experienced by Esses is very common.

“As all humans know, there’s nothing quite as horrifying as being alone with your awful thoughts. That’s why these bedtime crises are so common,” said Dr. Pital. “And it’s not just limited to anxiety about death: some people worry about money and relationships; others beat themselves up over embarrassing things they did years ago that literally no one remembers but them. Like in middle school, when I farted real loud trying to climb the rope in gym class… and now I’m thinking about it again. Goddammit.”

At press time, Esses was devising a plan to improve her bedtime routine, accommodate her nightly crisis, and get a full eight hours of sleep by taking a “shitload” of melatonin at 6 p.m.

We Interviewed the Stray Cats and They All Threw up on Our Couch

Posted on December 1, 2019 by Gabe Gurwin

Rockabilly revival icons Stray Cats have enjoyed a longevity few other rock bands can tout, reuniting continuously and even recording a new album this year. The band was gracious enough to visit The Hard Times and for a discussion on the secret to their success, but instead, all three band members vomited on our couch.

Hard Times: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us. We consider ourselves fans of your music and your career itself. Inspirational to say the least!
Brian Setzer: …

HT: You… you feeling alright?
BS: *nods rapidly*

HT: …okay yeah, cool. So how did this all begin? Was it your passion for music of a bygone era or was this more of a strategic decision after realizing there was an audience begging for a rockabilly revival?
Loo Rocker: harmmpfff… uggg… merf.

HT: Alright something is definitely wrong? Do you all need some bread or something? Some water? Coffee?
Slim Jim Phantom: HUUUUUUGHHHGH.

HT: Look, if you gotta puke just use the bathroom over there. We also have-
BS: *vomits directly onto the couch like he wasn’t even trying to miss*

HT: …we also have vomit bags under each chair and next to the armrests on the sofa. This is the Hard Times offices, our interviews end in vomit more often than not.
Stray Cats: *vomits in unison*

In summation, the group’s commitment to authenticity in its music and image has certainly been appreciated by devoted rockabilly fans and their impact on the sound and culture of rockabilly is as clear as their vomit was acidic. Unfortunately, we did not hear much about the keys to their success so we are left only to wonder. Perhaps their care-free nature is what led to the Stray Cats’ career longevity as well as the Hard Times’ latest couch purchase. Perhaps it was the expired cheese plate we put out for the band as a pre-interview snack. These mysteries of rock and roll are what keep us fans hungry for more.

Million Frontman March Enters 17th Consecutive Day of Speeches

Posted on December 1, 2019 by Andrew Murphy

WASHINGTON — The heavily anticipated Million Frontman March, meant to promote brotherhood and unity while taking a stand against backstabbing, entered its 17th consecutive day of speeches, event organizers confirmed.

“We were told the event was going to last six hours — maybe eight if the opening band ran late,” said D.C. Chief of Police Peter Newsham. “But it’s been over two weeks, and there’s no sign of them slowing down. In fact, I think there are more speakers on the list now than there were five days ago. They keep shouting out ‘people standing in the back’ and inviting them on stage to join them to perform the speech with them. I haven’t seen my kids in days.”

Speakers confirmed the determination of the frontmen has only increased as the days pass.

“I came because I needed to let the kids know that no matter how much society dumps on us for being screw ups, that we’re here for each other,” said Robbie Deadman, frontman for hardcore group Cold Six Thousand. “We are prepared to go until everyone has been heard. Yes, basically everyone who has spoken so far is just repeating the same exact thing the guy before them said, but each person does it with a certain unique flair that makes them special, bro.”

Authorities are increasingly worried about plummeting temperatures, especially at night: large drifts of snow and garbage have been turned in to crude shelters, where frontmen have resorted to burning Madball shirts and pairs of Nike Air Max shoes for warmth.

“I saw this guy in ripped jeans, just pacing back and forth with no shirt or jacket to keep him warm,” said paramedic Brittney Allen. “I figured he was going to freeze to death by the third night, but when he finally got up on stage, he tore into this screed about how straight edge saved his life and something about some guy named Big Tim always having his back no matter what.”

At press time, law enforcement prepared to shut down the event, fearing it might stretch into the New Year after getting word Henry Rollins was preparing to take the stage.

Gamer Doctor Saves Life Twice Just In Case

Posted on November 30, 2019 by Owen Crowlie

YUMA, Ariz. — After having spent four hours in an operating theater performing a coronary artery bypass, gamer surgeon Esmeralda Bennet decided to perform the life-saving operation a second time “just in case.”

“Sure, everything looked fine after my first attempt,” Dr. Bennet explained, “but I just had this nagging feeling that it hadn’t taken. I’d hate to lose all that progress on a patient, and we hadn’t closed up his chest yet, so why not give it another shot?”

When asked why this decision was important enough to spend several more hours re-attaching the bypass machine, removing another vein from the patient’s leg, and using it to route blood flow around the blocked artery, all while the patient lingered on the precipice of death, Dr. Bennet took a few moments to gather her composure before answering.

“It was years ago. I lost … god, it’s still so hard to talk about. It was my fault, and all this time later I can’t take responsibility. I’ll just say it. I had just started Pokémon Yellow, and after playing it for two hours, I just turned it off. I completely forgot to save. I had to start that damn tutorial, all over again. That was the day I told myself … never again.”

The patient’s family waited through the night for news on his condition, with his wife Shelly remaining confident in Dr. Bennet’s abilities.

“I was so worried about my husband at first, but the surgeon reassured me by telling me she had gotten a XS rank on every level of Trauma Center: New Blood,” Shelly said. “I’m guessing that’s some sort of training simulation? The things they do with computers these days!”

After the second surgery, Dr. Bennet received notice from the Medical Board of Arizona informing her that her license had been revoked due to reports of malpractice. At the time of publication, she is pursuing legal action to have her license reinstated.

“I was simply doing what I felt was necessary,” Dr. Bennet said. “I spent 12 years grinding in medical school to earn that license, so if they think I am walking away from all that experience, they have another thing coming.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Leftöver Crack Song Playing Over ASPCA Commercial for Crust Punk Dogs

Posted on November 30, 2019 by James Knapp

NEW YORK — The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals released a new commercial this week, set to the Leftöver Crack song “Soon We’ll Be Dead” aimed at increasing awareness for crust punk dogs.

“That Sarah McLachlan schmaltz doesn’t work on crusties. As soon as punks hear her corporate trash music, they instantly tune out,” said ASPCA spokesperson Donna Strong. “Leftöver Crack is a better tonal fit to raise awareness for crust punk dogs. Plus, the band didn’t charge us anything to license it. Those guys must really love animals.”

When reached for comment, Leftöver Crack frontman Stza explained his connection to the ASPCA and animal activism.

“I love crust punk doggos! I love their widdle-biddle pawsies and their cutie, smushy faces! If you ask me, we’re not doing enough for them,” he explained. “No good crust crew is complete without a little crust pupper. I told those ASPCA guys they can use any of our songs for their ads and, if they want, they can use our squat as a foster shelter. I just wanna have those have those beanie-weenie, teeny-squeeny doggos around all the time!”

Some, however, called the ad an “overly sentimental” attempt to pander to crust punks.

“Honestly, I found it a bit crass,” stated local crustie dog, Banjo. “I mean, we’re crust punk dogs: we have no gods, we have no masters. Just give us some of that McDonald’s you fished out of the dumpster, let us wear your spare bandanas, and don’t try to tattoo us while we’re asleep. Really, at the end of the day, we’re just dogs. Chill out.”

The ASPCA plans to expand the campaign, buying the rights to several Weakerthans songs for commercials aimed at increasing awareness for sad cats.

Man Reading Alone at Bar Prefers to Drink Alone at Library

Posted on November 30, 2019 by Bobby Korec

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Greg Kaiters enjoyed reading a nice chapter from a book at the Bridgetown Rose Saloon last Friday night after spending the day drinking at the library by himself, witnesses reported.

“After a long day of crushing beers in the quiet solitude of the reference section, I like to wind down with a good book at a local bar,” Kaiters said, holding a copy of “Slaughterhouse Five.” “Back in high school, my parents would constantly fight and scream at each other while I was trying to study. Ever since they divorced I’ve needed a lively and boisterous environment to focus. Bars are absolutely perfect for that.”

Friends of Kaiters have tried many times to invite him out to a bar to socialize, but have failed on every attempt.

“I promise Greg we can only talk about books if he wants,” lifelong friend Eric Winterson said. “He always declines, though. Sometimes I offer to go to the library with him to share a cold one, but he prefers to do his heavy drinking alone, too. One time, I tried to surprise him at the library, but caught him absolutely hammered in the young adult science fiction section in the middle of the day. I had to pretend like I didn’t know him and was actually there to check out a book. As someone who doesn’t read actual books, that was hard to pull off.”

For their part, local bartenders have seen a noticeable spike in patrons sitting quietly by themselves reading books at their establishments.

“I once got shushed by a bearded guy reading ‘Infinite Jest,’” said local bartender Judy Winthrop, who works Thursday through Sunday at the Grizzled Tavern. “On most nights, people reading alone by themselves outnumber those there to socialize. I get it, though: with so many distractions available in modern society, a place like a library with zero disturbances or noise levels probably isn’t conducive to reading in today’s distraction-based world anymore. I also think that… wait, hold on. I just got a text.”

At press time, Kaiters was seen writing his novel at a local coffee shop on his laptop before attending a writer’s workshop, to which he brought a French press, coffee grounds, and boiling water to brew himself a few cups without sharing with or participating in the class.

Oh I’m Sorry, Did My Words Offend You, Snowflake? Maybe I Should Scrub Them From the Internet and Let’s Not Talk About This Anymore, Ok?

Posted on November 30, 2019 by Tom Peters

Oh no! Did my words offend you? Pweease don’t kwyy, I sowwy— just to be clear, that was a baby voice, not a problematic accent, and I am truly, deeply sorry.

Look, I’ll admit it. What I said hasn’t exactly aged well. But the world has changed in the three minutes since I posted it. I’m learning that people are too sensitive now. Like, right now. I just learned that right now.

Today’s PC culture would never allow for great comedians to flourish like Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, the first 5 minutes of Eddie Murphy’s Delirious, and Al Jolson. Fearless truth tellers like us are an endangered species and that’s why I am begging you- please, please don’t tell anyone what I said and then deleted just now.

We can make this all go away and act like it never happened. Honestly, I already did.

I combed through all my social media to remove any content that might offend snowflake human resource managers like you— no offense— but somehow I missed this one. Don’t get me wrong, I stand by every hypocritical statement I overlooked while scrubbing my accounts but I’m happy to apologize to anyone offended by the words I went to great lengths to cover up.

Especially any of the people I tried to cancel over the past year.

However — and will you please close the door — did you hear the one about the Indian guy who… shit, wait you’re Indian aren’t you? Or are you the ‘P’ one? Pakagawea? Whatever, you probably don’t like Mexicans so I’ll tell one about those guys.

Okay, wait, don’t call security! Let me try one more time. What I think I’m trying to say is, if you choose to fire me, I will remain deeply unapologetic for anything I am truly sorry about. Does this make sense? I hope not.

Anyway, it’s your call. I can either be a free speech warrior who terrorizes your fragile snowflake existence until security throws me out, or I can go back to that cotton candy machine and the best Goddamn vendor you’ve ever seen. For both of our sake, I hope you choose the latter.

Punk Realtor Excited to Show Off Home’s Unfinished Basement

Posted on November 30, 2019 by Dom Turek

DALLAS — Former Shit Scrotum frontwoman-turned-real estate agent Nell Marsh is confident the unfinished basement featured in her latest property listing will be a major selling point for prospective buyers, according to unimpressed sources.

“This house, like any other, has its drawbacks,” said Marsh. “For starters, there’s no mini ramp in the backyard, and the natural southern light streaming through the kitchen bay windows is simply unbearable… but I’m hoping people can look past these eyesores off the bat, because once they see the basement, they’re gonna shit.”

However, homebuyers are yet to be impressed with the property, with one couple claiming Marsh spent 40 minutes “pacing around” and talking about all the “sweet shows” the home could host.

“When she said she was saving the best for last and started towards the basement, me and my partner were expecting a home theater or a wine cellar,” said potential buyer Nicole Chaves. “But after making our way down the dilapidated steps, we found ourselves in a musty, unfinished basement lit by a single strand of Christmas lights. She kept telling us the back corner by the water heater would be perfect for a merch table… whatever that means.”

Despite the general lack of interest in the property for the last two years, Marsh remains confident someone will realize the home’s true potential.

“I like to tell people to use their imaginations and ignore the overwhelming smell,” said Marsh. “I’m not a home decorator, but where they see dead space and rodent droppings, I see a sizable stage area with room leftover to fit a standard issue military cot for when a friend needs to crash for a couple of days or years.”

“Where they see un-patched holes in the drywall, I see an opportunity to hang flyers for upcoming basement shows, or maybe some of those Tibetan prayer flags,” Marsh continued.

At press time, the two bedroom house was still on the market, although Marsh insists some beaded curtains and wooden palettes could turn the space into a sprawling 12-bedroom property “no problem.”

Ambitious Punk Already Done with Holiday Shoplifting

Posted on November 29, 2019 by Danek

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local punk Philip Allers took advantage of this week’s Black Friday chaos, completing all of his holiday shoplifting at a nearby Target earlier today, excited sources confirmed.

“Last year I waited too long, and was still shoplifting on Christmas Eve like a complete idiot. That’s when you get sloppy and get busted,” said the Choking Victim fan. “All the best shit gets taken early: your friends and family can tell a last-minute grab when you show up with the wrong size of jeans, or a heavily damaged box of Warheads candy. I like to think of myself as a generous person — I don’t know why, but I just love the holidays, and I want to do it right for my friends and family.”

Allers’ long-time friend Sam Fox has long been impressed by the generosity and skill his friend displays during the holidays.

“Philip is one of the most thoughtful shoplifters I know,” said Fox. “He only hits the big corporate stores — no mom-and-pop shops or anything. Plus, he always seems to steal the perfect gift each year: last year, Santa left me a 30-rack of Modelo and a pair of new boots. Philip knows how much I love to drink, and he stole the boots because he remembered I threw mine in a river when they had blood on them after a fight that got out of control. I can’t wait to see what he comes up with this year.”

Experts noted that shoplifting trends have changed, what with the general consumer’s shift to online shopping in the past few years.

“We definitely noticed the decline,” reports loss prevention expert Christina Buzzard. “At first we saw this as a promising sign of an overall decrease in crime… until we started getting reports about all those scumbag porch pirates. I guess it’s just nice that some young people still shoplift the old fashioned way — by going to a brick-and-mortar establishment, loading up a carriage full of electronics and other goods, and walking out of an emergency exit to a waiting car where they cram everything into the backseat and speed off.”

Allers is also reportedly getting a jump on his New Year’s resolution of “getting in shape” by stealing a bunch of workout equipment from a nearby gym.

Deal Alert: Aetna is Offering 15% Off Healthcare for Anyone Trampled on Black Friday

Posted on November 29, 2019 by Joseph Stilwell

Healthcare fans — we KNOW you’re still out there — this one’s for you! Aetna just announced that for Black Friday weekend, customers can get 15% off coverage for internal injuries sustained while crushed by a mob of desperate shoppers.

“Our loss control specialists noticed a 200% uptick of rejected Internal injury claims in correlation with Black Friday, and when they brought this to our marketing department, an opportunity was born!” said an Aetna spokesperson at a recent press conference.

“We’re reaching out to the Aggressive Shopper Market,” the spokesperson continued. “The type of people who, despite their suburban exterior and disposable income, would feel at home in a ‘Purge-Style’ situation. Cool aunts and uncles desperate to impress teenage nieces and nephews, spouses feeling extra guilty about a drunken office party kiss, and of course, personal shoppers.”

“Our exhaustive market research indicates they’re most likely to both require and be able to afford emergency medical care for broken ribs or a major concussion.”

There are some small caveats, however. If you read the fine print on Aetna’s website, you’ll see the note: “Please keep in mind that this deal is contingent on a lack of pre-existing conditions such as hemophilia, asthma, and injuries sustained ripping the last 50” TV from someone else’s arms.”

So buyers beware! This deal is obviously pretty great for those looking to score big on Black Friday, but there are always caveats. Aetna’s insurance investigators will insist on rigorous examinations in cases they suspect malfeasance. The fine print on their website also reads, “Our experts can tell the exact angle a footprint bruise was made from, and we are ready to prosecute.”

So don’t forget to load up on some extra Black Friday healthcare from Aetna if you’re shopping this year, OR hang on until Cyber Monday, when UnitedHealth Group is offering 10% off any finger injuries sustained while dramatically clicking “purchase” and Cardinal Health has a slick deal for 15% off therapy prices for those who can’t handle the existential dread of contributing to Amazon’s global domination.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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