Punk Son, Jock Dad Bond Over Self-Inflicted Brain Trauma

Posted on by Ted Pillow

KINGS PARK, N.Y. — Local punk Joe Ricchio finally bonded with his fanatical sports fan father last week, thanks to the multiple self-inflicted head injuries they’ve both suffered, joyous sources confirmed Sunday.

“I used to hate my dad’s lame stories about playing college football before they made him stop from all the concussions,” said the 19-year-old Joe, who plays drums for local punk band 666/420. “But last week, I blacked out at a show after I got booted in the head by a guy doing mule kicks in the pit… and when I came to, my dad and I were standing in the backyard, drinking beer and playing with a stray dog. He couldn’t remember how he got there, either. We shared a big laugh over that one until we realized it actually wasn’t our backyard at all.”

Though the relationship with between the punk and his father, 44-year-old construction worker Norm Ricchio, had always been fraught, both report they’ve gotten along better in recent months — now engaging in standard father/son activities, such as punching holes in the living room wall and walking aimlessly along major highways muttering to themselves.

“When I was in high school, my buddies and I kicked the shit out of punks,” the older Ricchio admitted while taking a break from screaming obscenities at the Jets game on TV. “It used to piss me off that my son liked that stupid, pansy shit and dressed like a goddamn fucking asshole. But lately I’ve realized that we actually have a lot in common: like violent mood swings, and extreme sensitivity to light. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I’M GONNA KILL THIS GODDAMN REF!”

However, neurologist Angela Reyes thinks their feel-good story may be cause for concern.

“These brain scans are extremely troubling,” explained Dr. Reyes. “Years of heavy drinking, head injuries suffered from fist fights, and a general lack of basic self-care have caused significant damage to Joe and Norm’s respective cognitive functioning. As we say in the medical field, they are both at risk of going full-on Ozzy.”

At press time, the pair were reportedly heading to a hockey game, where the older Ricchio assured his son that they would never make it inside because they would get far too drunk beforehand and try to tackle a few security guards together.

We Need to Fix the Lead Pipes in Poor Neighborhoods so That It’s Safe When We Gentrify It

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Did you know that most poor neighborhoods have a lead amount of 15 ppb? I don’t know what that means but we need to make it lower for when we eventually kick out the former inhabitants and move in.

As someone who wishes to someday build a series of pop up bars in this soon-to-be ‘once historic’ neighborhood, I am very concerned about the condition of these pipes. Many of these pipes were placed in a long time ago and are corroding into the water they carry. I can’t risk any lead going into my Bazinga themed cocktails when they are already so overpriced.

That’s just cruel.

Look, I get it, poor people are used to drinking bad water. I’m not, however, and neither will be my future neighbors. We just have different standards and that’s OK. We must respect other cultures, especially ones who are being displaced at an alarmingly high rate.

Plus, I want to raise my kids in these homes. Exposure to too much lead for children can create risk of brain development issues. I want to make sure that my kids grow successful enough to gentrify future neighborhoods.

My current neighborhood is boring. We’ve had safe water to drink for decades now. It’s time to move somewhere where the water used to be a mixture of strange colors. Only then will I know a place just got cool.

In the end I’m sure I’ll just drink bottled water anyway but it’s good to know its there.

Amazing Guitar Center Coupon Gets Woman 15% Off Anything Except Products By A Designs, ADAM Audio, Aguilar, Allen & Heath, Alvarez, Ampeg, Antelope Audio, Apogee, Apple, Arturia, Ashdown, Ashly Audio, Avantone, Avid, BAE, Beetronics FX, Blackstar, Bose, Boss, Burl Audio, Caparison Guitars, Catalinbread, Chapman, Crate, Cusack Music, D.W. Fearn, Dangerous Music, Dean Markley, Duesenberg USA, Earthquaker Devices, Earthworks, Electro-Harmonix, Elysia, Empress Effects, Epiphone, Ernie Ball Music Man, EVH, Fender, Fender Custom Shop, Focal, Focusrite, Fostex, Friedman, Fulltone, Fulltone Custom Shop, Gallien-Krueger, Gibson, Gibson Custom, Golden Age Project, GoPro, Heritage Audio, ISP Technologies, JHS Pedals, Keeley, Kemper, Korg, Kurzweil, Kush Audio, LaChapell Audio, Lâg Guitars, Lewitt Audio Microphones, Lindell Audio, Mackie, Manley, Meinl, Metric Halo, Millennia, Milkman Sound, Mojave Audio, Moog, MOTU, Native Instruments, Neumann, Nord, Novation, Orange Amplifiers, Pettyjohn Electronics, Phoenix Audio, PRS, Radial Engineering, Randall, Rane, Reloop, Reverend, RME, Rockett Pedals, Roland, Royer, Ruach Music, se Electronics, Seqential, Serato, Shure, Slate Digital, Slate Pro Audio, Slate Media Technology, Softube, Soundbrenner, Source Audio, Squier, Steven Slate Drums, Studiologic, Suzuki, Taylor, Teenage Engineering, Telefunken, Teletronix, Toft Audio Designs, Tube-Tech, Voodoo Lab, Vox, Walrus Audio, Wampler, Warm Audio, Westone, Xotic Effects, Yamaha, ZT, Zvex

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. — Local guitarist Rochelle Yearwood received an “amazing” coupon this morning, giving her 15% off any product at Guitar Center as long as it wasn’t manufactured by A Designs, ADAM Audio, Aguilar, Allen & Heath, Alvarez, Ampeg, Antelope Audio, Apogee, Apple, Arturia, Ashdown, Ashly Audio, Avantone, Avid, BAE, Beetronics FX, Blackstar, Bose, Boss, Burl Audio, Caparison Guitars, Catalinbread, Chapman, Crate, Cusack Music, D.W. Fearn, Dangerous Music, Dean Markley, Duesenberg USA, Earthquaker Devices, Earthworks, Electro-Harmonix, Elysia, Empress Effects, Epiphone, Ernie Ball Music Man, EVH, Fender, Fender Custom Shop, Focal, Focusrite, Fostex, Friedman, Fulltone, Fulltone Custom Shop, Gallien-Krueger, Gibson, Gibson Custom, Golden Age Project, GoPro, Heritage Audio, ISP Technologies, JHS Pedals, Keeley, Kemper, Korg, Kurzweil, Kush Audio, LaChapell Audio, Lâg Guitars, Lewitt Audio Microphones, Lindell Audio, Mackie, Manley, Meinl, Metric Halo, Millennia, Milkman Sound, Mojave Audio, Moog, MOTU, Native Instruments, Neumann, Nord, Novation, Orange Amplifiers, Pettyjohn Electronics, Phoenix Audio, PRS, Radial Engineering, Randall, Rane, Reloop, Reverend, RME, Rockett Pedals, Roland, Royer, Ruach Music, se Electronics, Seqential, Serato, Shure, Slate Digital, Slate Pro Audio, Slate Media Technology, Softube, Soundbrenner, Source Audio, Squier, Steven Slate Drums, Studiologic, Suzuki, Taylor, Teenage Engineering, Telefunken, Teletronix, Toft Audio Designs, Tube-Tech, Voodoo Lab, Vox, Walrus Audio, Wampler, Warm Audio, Westone, Xotic Effects, Yamaha, ZT, or Zvex.

“This coupon comes at literally the perfect time for me: I was just about to head over to Food Lion for some hand wipes and Skittles; now, I can just get them from Guitar Center,” said Yearwood, calculating what 15% of $7.39 is on her iPhone. “I mean, sure, I’d love a new effects pedal — or honestly, even just some guitar picks — but I couldn’t find anything that qualified. I’m hoping this 15% will also apply to one of those bottles of Aquafina that are too big to fit in the cup holders in my car.”

Although many employees understand the business strategy behind offering price cuts to entice customers, many wish it were easier to look up which brands — if any — qualified for a discount.

“Every time somebody comes into the store carrying 17 sheets of stapled paper, I know they just got that damn coupon,” said Marko “Shreddy Leggy” Miceta. “At least once a day, a customer and I spend two or three hours combing through this dusty, 7,000 page corporate manual listing all the brands these coupons don’t cover, just to find something they can actually buy. It’d actually be a lot easier if they just listed the seven items this coupon actually covers… most of them are right up by the register.”

For their part, Guitar Center’s top brass hope the coupons will reinvigorate sales and encourage brand loyalty among their faithful.

“We just want to give something back to the customers who don’t buy anything, but sit in our stores for hours wearing out the instruments,” said CMO Jamison Crowley, placing everything on his desk into a cardboard box. “No, really: Guitar Center’s endless financial hardships and constant downsizing is only possible because of you guys. Fucking whiny pricks.”

At press time, Guitar Center was considering offering a 50% store-wide discount for Black Friday, but also locking the doors and refusing to let customers inside the building for the entire day.

Big D Finally Invited to Adults Table

Posted on by Doug Francisco

ALLSTON, Mass. — David “Big D” McWane, lead singer of Big D and the Kids Table, was asked to dine with the adults today at the annual ska-punk Thanksgiving dinner for the first time since the band’s inception in 1995, ecstatic sources confirmed.

“I’m pumped as fuck, dude,” said Big D, trying to contain his giddiness. “Getting called up to the adults’ table is truly the greatest thing a Boston ska band can hope for. But just because I’m here doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten those real motherfuckers still at the kids’ table — I’ve sat on those folding chairs. I’ve eaten off those paper plates.”

The dinner’s organizers, Ken Casey of Dropkick Murphys and Dicky Barrett of The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, said that Big D’s invitation was the logical conclusion of serious effort on the frontman’s part.

“We saw him showing a lot of maturity the past decade or so,” said Barrett, attempting to hide a gravy stain on his plaid suit. “His gang vocals got a lot more sophisticated, and it seemed like he finally wanted to tackle topics more befitting his age… instead of just singing about checkered vans, and how much his friends fucking rule.”

Big D and the Kids Table fans from Revere to Braintree reacted positively to the announcement — including 47-year-old ska kid Ben Pennington.

“It’s about damn time. Big D’s been on the scene since the ’90s, and it’s great to see him get called up to the bigs. To be a fly on the wall at that dinner… I’d kill my own mother just to sniff their leftovers,” said Pennington. “This dinner is very important to the Boston ska scene — especially since last year, when Jaya the Cat accidentally got out the front door and was run over by a truck.”

The dinner, though meticulously planned, was cut short when the police appeared unannounced, putting an end to the festivities. Those present were ticketed under a Boston law that disallows more than three ska-punk frontmen from gathering in the same place without a permit.

Married Couple’s Friendsgiving Just the Two of Them

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

TACOMA, Wash. — Newlyweds Jane and Dalton Davis opted not to travel home for Thanksgiving, choosing instead to host a “Friendsgiving” and incidentally ensuring they’d spend the holiday by themselves.

“It’s going to be really great spending Thanksgiving with everyone close by,” said Jane, who has been kicked out of three separate group chats since marrying Dalton earlier this year. “And don’t get me wrong, it’s great to catch up with family — it’s just always so hectic. I’m looking forward to a nice, quiet day, giving thanks for the fact that we’ll probably be asleep by 10 p.m.”

Several members of the couple’s former social circle were reportedly hurt but unsurprised.

“Wait, they did a Friendsgiving?” asked longtime friend Sean Corrigan. “We did a fucking Friendsgiving — I sent them both an email! Makes sense, though: the only time I’ve heard from them lately was when Dalton texted me to ask if my brother still fixed water heaters. What happened to the guy I used to shotgun beers all night with?”

Experts report this atypical holiday tradition is gaining steam with today’s young adults.

“Friendsgivings are growing more popular every year,” said sociologist Maria Ripley. “Whether you can’t afford the travel expenses, you don’t want to argue politics with your extended family, or you’d just rather get drunk with people you went to college with, there’s a lot of reasons to participate.”

“Of course, none of these compare to the fact that most married couples’ friend groups consist of their spouse and only their spouse — save for that one person they text every several months to complain about said spouse and attempt to make plans they definitely won’t follow up on,” Ripley added. “It makes planning such a holiday nearly effortless.”

At press time, the Davises had altogether scrapped the plans of cooking a traditional Thanksgiving dinner and were discussing which Chinese restaurant to order delivery from.

Opinion: It’s Time to Call It the Boomer Table

Posted on by Jonah Nink

It sucks being home for the holidays as an unmarried, childless person; the interrogating questions from relatives about my future, the condescending advice, and most of all, being forced to sit at the dreaded “kid’s table.”

Well, you know what? This year we’re owning this. We don’t want to sit with those losers over there talking about real estate and the election. They just don’t get us over there at the… Boomer Table.

Damn. Got their asses.

Honestly, what do you think is going on over there that’s so great? Do you think turkey and stuffing taste better over the sound of “I’m not racist, but…”? No! Well, maybe if that phrase ends in “…can you please pass the butter.” But not tonight because I stole all the butter when those goddamn climate changers banished me here. Let the boomers have their fucking boomer table!

Listening to your niece walk you through the plot of Disney’s Frozen (again) beats listening to your uncle defend border camps (again). Unless you’re a Vice reporter working on an article about how to get high off of watching old people chew on cranberries there is no reason to sit there.

I don’t want to come across as overly critical of boomers. Sure they’re doing everything in their power to bring about the apocalypse, but they’ve done some good things too. Bob Seger’s ‘Night Moves’ is a pretty good song. Other stuff. I’m just saying it’s bullshit that they call it the ‘adult table’ or ‘the greatest table’ or whatever the fuck they say about themselves. It’s the fucking boomer table. OK Boomer?

If that cartoon movie about the sad bald kid has taught us anything, it’s that Thanksgiving is a holiday where we’re supposed to thank God for making turkeys so easy to kill. But this year, we have a lot more to be thankful for. Be thankful the generation who bankrupted your future and scorched the earth and then blamed it all on your ‘work ethic’ is finally starting to die. Be thankful you don’t have to sit at the fucking boomer table.

God bless us, everyone. Except anyone over 50. Also there is no God.

Macy’s Under Fire For Reusing Last Year’s Pikachu Balloon in 2019 Thanksgiving Day Parade

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

NEW YORK — Macy’s is under intense scrutiny by eagle-eyed fans who discovered that the Pikachu balloon used in their 2019 Thanksgiving Day Parade is the exact same model from last year’s event.

Outrage began spreading among parade enthusiasts as soon as the giant Pokemon balloon made its way down 6th Avenue Thursday morning. Fans quickly pulled up images from 2018, realizing that the balloon was not in fact a newly designed version, but the same exact scarf-wearing Pikachu-with-a-snowman model that has appeared in the parade since 2014.

“This is absolutely despicable,” fumed 43 year-old Thomas Birkin, who was in attendance. “As a life-long fan, I expect to see all-new versions of my favorite balloons every year. It’s just disgusting to see Macy’s screw over the hardcore fans like me with this corner-cutting bullshit.”

The balloon was widely ridiculed for its antiquated movements as well, with one viral gif spreading that showed Pikachu awkwardly rotating as it rounded Columbus Circle.

Fans analyzed the Pikachu float’s wireframe model to determine that it was the same as used in previous years.

The Pikachu situation was only the start of Thursday’s controversies. Many fans were also disgusted by Macy’s decision to cut several balloons from the parade lineup this year. Despite Macy’s explaining that the removals were due to wind conditions, fans lashed out on Reddit, calling the decision to keep balloons like Clifford the Big Red Dog out of rotation “morally repulsive.”

“I’m so furious right now, I’m literally shaking,” wrote Reddit user FloatsYrBoat. “You’re telling me that Betty Boop isn’t in the parade, but fucking OLAF is??? Macy’s has been catering to casuals for way too long, and I’m just fucking DONE with them. We need to boycott this anti-consumer parade if we want anything to change.”

Despite the negative backlash, the parade was incredibly well-attended this year. When asked about the regressive ramifications Macy’s decisions could potentially pose for future iterations of the parade, one child in attendance noted, “I like Pikachu because he is orange.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

White Woman Burns Sage to Honor Victims of Cultural Appropriation

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

SAN FRANCISCO — Local woman Jade Smullen is spearheading a campaign to honor the victims of cultural appropriation this Thanksgiving, giving out free sage sticks for a mass smudging of San Francisco’s Dolores Park.

“I heard Thanksgiving was bad, but I didn’t really know the extent of it until I saw a tweet dragging Pamela Anderson for dressing like a Native American for Halloween,” a shocked Smullen said. “I had no clue this was cultural appropriation, but it was tweeted by someone with a blue check who uses Goop, so I knew it was legit. I wanted to make this right in the most authentic way possible or whatever.”

Smullen took to Instagram to live-stream the ceremonial sage burning to her 860 followers.

“Whenever something bad is happening, I just smudge the heck out of it. Sage is my spirit animal. It’s such a mood,” Smullen said. “I might even look into going to a protest with my coworker, Tay — he knows all my angles and the best lighting.”

White women across the Bay Area are smudging potentially problematic public spaces in preparation for the main event.

“My great-grandmother was Cherokee, so my mom named me Dakota after a completely different tribe,” explained recent transplant Dakota Fetterhoff while burning sage outside of a cold-pressed juice bar in Oakland. “Cherokee just isn’t that cute of a name, especially for a girl. I get it. Anyways, this movement is really big for me on a personal level.”

Smullen’s movement, called ‘Smudging in the Name Of,’ is reportedly fighting backlash from fellow white residents who’d been smudging the sidewalk and selling sage on Haight “for mad cheap” since 2016.

New Guitar Pedal Purchase Mostly Based On Cool Name

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Local guitarist Joel Svensson admitted yesterday that he bought the recently released JHS OrcGrinder pedal primarily based on its cool name and nothing more.

“Out of the box, the OrcGrinder has sick features like a glitch button, a freeze effect, and even an acoustic guitar simulator,” explained Svensson, clearly holding the pedal upside down. “Before I got this bad boy, I couldn’t for the life of me… uh, figure out how to sound like an out-of-tune Wal-Mart Rogue Starter Acoustic Guitar, and then I guess, like, freeze that tone. I just always had to do other stuff… instead of that. But yeah, on top of all those sick features, the name was just too sick to pass up.”

Although Svensson is largely pleased with his $830 purchase, the other members of his band Parsian Bastard have had trouble integrating Svensson’s avant-garde tones into their pop-punk sound.

“We’ll get a fat riff or chunky breakdown going, and Joel will scream, ‘OrcGrinder time mother fucker!’ And suddenly his amp sounds like it’s exploding or maybe killing itself,” said bassist Daniel “Flubbs” Flanderson. “Last year he bought a pedal called ‘The Shitkicker’ that nearly broke up the band — once, it made his amp feedback so loud that our drummer lost hearing in one ear. It really fucked with his balance. He isn’t allowed to drive the van anymore.”

JHS Pedals representative Larry Fisdale explained the inspiration to create the OrcGrinder was, in fact, its “dope-ass name” and virtually nothing else.

“I was handing some invoice stuff over to one of our accountants, and he said, ‘We should really consider making a pedal called something cool for once. Like fucking GoatPagan or PregnantMayhem,’” recalled Fisdale, crushing a half-empty Monster Energy can against his forehead. “We took a few parts from other pedals with lame names like ‘Jeff’s Reverb Pedal’ or ‘EQ1400,’ crammed them into a new chassis, spent $2 million hiring Banksy to paint an orc, and voilà. OrcGrinder.”

JHS Pedals will next roll out their new Cop Killer pedal, which has no features other than LED lights changing colors every time the switch is engaged. Pre-orders are already sold out.

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