WESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. — Local guitarist Rochelle Yearwood received an “amazing” coupon this morning, giving her 15% off any product at Guitar Center as long as it wasn’t manufactured by A Designs, ADAM Audio, Aguilar, Allen & Heath, Alvarez, Ampeg, Antelope Audio, Apogee, Apple, Arturia, Ashdown, Ashly Audio, Avantone, Avid, BAE, Beetronics FX, Blackstar, Bose, Boss, Burl Audio, Caparison Guitars, Catalinbread, Chapman, Crate, Cusack Music, D.W. Fearn, Dangerous Music, Dean Markley, Duesenberg USA, Earthquaker Devices, Earthworks, Electro-Harmonix, Elysia, Empress Effects, Epiphone, Ernie Ball Music Man, EVH, Fender, Fender Custom Shop, Focal, Focusrite, Fostex, Friedman, Fulltone, Fulltone Custom Shop, Gallien-Krueger, Gibson, Gibson Custom, Golden Age Project, GoPro, Heritage Audio, ISP Technologies, JHS Pedals, Keeley, Kemper, Korg, Kurzweil, Kush Audio, LaChapell Audio, Lâg Guitars, Lewitt Audio Microphones, Lindell Audio, Mackie, Manley, Meinl, Metric Halo, Millennia, Milkman Sound, Mojave Audio, Moog, MOTU, Native Instruments, Neumann, Nord, Novation, Orange Amplifiers, Pettyjohn Electronics, Phoenix Audio, PRS, Radial Engineering, Randall, Rane, Reloop, Reverend, RME, Rockett Pedals, Roland, Royer, Ruach Music, se Electronics, Seqential, Serato, Shure, Slate Digital, Slate Pro Audio, Slate Media Technology, Softube, Soundbrenner, Source Audio, Squier, Steven Slate Drums, Studiologic, Suzuki, Taylor, Teenage Engineering, Telefunken, Teletronix, Toft Audio Designs, Tube-Tech, Voodoo Lab, Vox, Walrus Audio, Wampler, Warm Audio, Westone, Xotic Effects, Yamaha, ZT, or Zvex.
“This coupon comes at literally the perfect time for me: I was just about to head over to Food Lion for some hand wipes and Skittles; now, I can just get them from Guitar Center,” said Yearwood, calculating what 15% of $7.39 is on her iPhone. “I mean, sure, I’d love a new effects pedal — or honestly, even just some guitar picks — but I couldn’t find anything that qualified. I’m hoping this 15% will also apply to one of those bottles of Aquafina that are too big to fit in the cup holders in my car.”
Although many employees understand the business strategy behind offering price cuts to entice customers, many wish it were easier to look up which brands — if any — qualified for a discount.
“Every time somebody comes into the store carrying 17 sheets of stapled paper, I know they just got that damn coupon,” said Marko “Shreddy Leggy” Miceta. “At least once a day, a customer and I spend two or three hours combing through this dusty, 7,000 page corporate manual listing all the brands these coupons don’t cover, just to find something they can actually buy. It’d actually be a lot easier if they just listed the seven items this coupon actually covers… most of them are right up by the register.”
For their part, Guitar Center’s top brass hope the coupons will reinvigorate sales and encourage brand loyalty among their faithful.
“We just want to give something back to the customers who don’t buy anything, but sit in our stores for hours wearing out the instruments,” said CMO Jamison Crowley, placing everything on his desk into a cardboard box. “No, really: Guitar Center’s endless financial hardships and constant downsizing is only possible because of you guys. Fucking whiny pricks.”
At press time, Guitar Center was considering offering a 50% store-wide discount for Black Friday, but also locking the doors and refusing to let customers inside the building for the entire day.