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Punk Son, Jock Dad Bond Over Self-Inflicted Brain Trauma

KINGS PARK, N.Y. — Local punk Joe Ricchio finally bonded with his fanatical sports fan father last week, thanks to the multiple self-inflicted head injuries they’ve both suffered, joyous sources confirmed Sunday.

“I used to hate my dad’s lame stories about playing college football before they made him stop from all the concussions,” said the 19-year-old Joe, who plays drums for local punk band 666/420. “But last week, I blacked out at a show after I got booted in the head by a guy doing mule kicks in the pit… and when I came to, my dad and I were standing in the backyard, drinking beer and playing with a stray dog. He couldn’t remember how he got there, either. We shared a big laugh over that one until we realized it actually wasn’t our backyard at all.”

Though the relationship with between the punk and his father, 44-year-old construction worker Norm Ricchio, had always been fraught, both report they’ve gotten along better in recent months — now engaging in standard father/son activities, such as punching holes in the living room wall and walking aimlessly along major highways muttering to themselves.

“When I was in high school, my buddies and I kicked the shit out of punks,” the older Ricchio admitted while taking a break from screaming obscenities at the Jets game on TV. “It used to piss me off that my son liked that stupid, pansy shit and dressed like a goddamn fucking asshole. But lately I’ve realized that we actually have a lot in common: like violent mood swings, and extreme sensitivity to light. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I’M GONNA KILL THIS GODDAMN REF!”

However, neurologist Angela Reyes thinks their feel-good story may be cause for concern.

“These brain scans are extremely troubling,” explained Dr. Reyes. “Years of heavy drinking, head injuries suffered from fist fights, and a general lack of basic self-care have caused significant damage to Joe and Norm’s respective cognitive functioning. As we say in the medical field, they are both at risk of going full-on Ozzy.”

At press time, the pair were reportedly heading to a hockey game, where the older Ricchio assured his son that they would never make it inside because they would get far too drunk beforehand and try to tackle a few security guards together.