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Ambitious Punk Already Done with Holiday Shoplifting

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local punk Philip Allers took advantage of this week’s Black Friday chaos, completing all of his holiday shoplifting at a nearby Target earlier today, excited sources confirmed.

“Last year I waited too long, and was still shoplifting on Christmas Eve like a complete idiot. That’s when you get sloppy and get busted,” said the Choking Victim fan. “All the best shit gets taken early: your friends and family can tell a last-minute grab when you show up with the wrong size of jeans, or a heavily damaged box of Warheads candy. I like to think of myself as a generous person — I don’t know why, but I just love the holidays, and I want to do it right for my friends and family.”

Allers’ long-time friend Sam Fox has long been impressed by the generosity and skill his friend displays during the holidays.

“Philip is one of the most thoughtful shoplifters I know,” said Fox. “He only hits the big corporate stores — no mom-and-pop shops or anything. Plus, he always seems to steal the perfect gift each year: last year, Santa left me a 30-rack of Modelo and a pair of new boots. Philip knows how much I love to drink, and he stole the boots because he remembered I threw mine in a river when they had blood on them after a fight that got out of control. I can’t wait to see what he comes up with this year.”

Experts noted that shoplifting trends have changed, what with the general consumer’s shift to online shopping in the past few years.


“We definitely noticed the decline,” reports loss prevention expert Christina Buzzard. “At first we saw this as a promising sign of an overall decrease in crime… until we started getting reports about all those scumbag porch pirates. I guess it’s just nice that some young people still shoplift the old fashioned way — by going to a brick-and-mortar establishment, loading up a carriage full of electronics and other goods, and walking out of an emergency exit to a waiting car where they cram everything into the backseat and speed off.”

Allers is also reportedly getting a jump on his New Year’s resolution of “getting in shape” by stealing a bunch of workout equipment from a nearby gym.

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