Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions In These Video Games?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

Yesterday we launched a new Twitter account called Can You Violate The Geneva Conventions that acts as a catalog of violatable and non-violatable Geneva Conventions in video games. The answer to almost every single one of these is “yes.” In fact, we have yet to find a game where you cannot violate the Geneva Conventions. If we do, you’ll be the first to know.

Feel free to follow along on Twitter, or join us here weekly for a round-up of the best ones.

Microsoft Adds Split-Screen Couch Co-Op to New Version of Excel

Posted on by Dan Glaser

REDMOND, Wash. — 33 years after the initial release of the spreadsheet program Excel, Microsoft has announced that they are adding couch co-op gameplay for fans within the still-vital community.

“Plug in a second keyboard to your computer and enjoy, for the first time ever, couch co-op Microsoft Excel,” said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella at a livestreamed press conference. “You can v-lookup while your friend creates a graph, you can format tables while your spouse writes a macro, or you can just let two players go hog-wild on different calculations within the same sheet. The possibilities are endless and we’re excited to see what our eager fans cook up with these new features.”

Despite the significant patch to the new, many fans are still upset about the state of the program.

“Big deal. Smash Bros lets you have eight players at a time in local play,” said Redditor u/microsoft_excelsior. “I’m a diehard Excel fan and I always will be, but they really need to bring the spreadsheet into the modern era. I’m talking online co-op mode, online versus mode, and customizable RPG elements. I’ve been playing Excel for over three decades and I still can’t edit my character at all?! Come the fuck on!”

At press time, Microsoft announced they were also adding VR support to PowerPoint.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Girlfriend Downgraded to Roommate

Posted on by Kyle Kelly-Yahner

ST. LOUIS — Local punk Luke Koester downgraded his live-in romantic partner Samatha Tsai from “girlfriend” to “roommate” yesterday following weeks of forced cohabitation with no breaks, unsurprised sources confirmed.

“I’ve really had an opportunity to slow down and reassess what’s important to me, and I think this time together at home gave me some clarity about our relationship,” said Koester. “I keep thinking about where I see myself going once it’s safe to leave the house again… and that place is pretty much anywhere Sam isn’t, and other girls are. I’m just not sure I can go back to fucking someone I’ve built upward of 13 puzzles with.”

Mutual friends of the pair became worried about the couple’s prospects of maintaining civility following one of the group’s weekly virtual hangouts.

“They started video chatting from separate rooms, so we knew something was up,” said longtime friend Kasey Effers. “And then every time Luke would talk, he’d complain about how his roommate is always home and doesn’t recycle right, but in a really low voice. I’m not sure if he realized Sam can hear him in the chat — and probably in their apartment, too — but this is also the same guy who said they should go to Italy as some last-ditch romantic gesture. I think he just wanted to go because it was cheap.”

While Tsai is somewhat surprised about the timing of the split, she admitted she is currently counting the days until she’s able to move out of the shared space.

“I’ll be trying to watch Netflix in the living room with headphones on, and I still can hear whatever haunted reggae dubstep album he’s working on from all the way down the hall,” said a newly single Tsai. “I swear to god, if he’s writing a breakup EP, I’m going to flip. What will I tell my friends and family? ‘Hi, the recently furloughed GameStop manager I dated for years burned through all the weed and nonperishable food we were supposed to ration in order to produce this musical war crime memorializing our relationship?’ My dad will just say that he warned me.”

At press time, Koester was bidding on a pedal he hoped would tie together the final song for his EP while ignoring Tsai’s Venmo request for his half of the rent in his misguided attempt at a “rent strike.”

If I Have to Vote for a DC Insider, It’s Gonna Be Ian Mackaye

Posted on by Bobby D. Lux

I take my voting seriously. I’m not one of these people who believe in protest votes. Too many scene veterans gave up their lives and clean rap sheets for me to make a mockery of voting for some joke.

We all want someone we can believe in, but last time I checked, we’re all punks. We all know nobody’s worth believing in. It’s always going to be a choice between an outsider or a DC insider. The insider always wins.

That’s why if I have to vote for a DC Insider, my vote goes to Ian MacKaye. It’s a no-brainer.

Ian is the only guy who has a solid track record of getting things done in DC for decades. When I think DC, one name comes to mind. Bands, shows, labels, Ian is a job creator like nobody else. When any goof with a camera comes by for a documentary, Ian always makes time.

Is Ian the only person I considered voting for? Of course not. I would love to cast my vote for HR. In my heart, he’s the guy. He’s got more presence and passion in his little finger than all these other people combined. Is HR as qualified as Ian? Fuck yeah, he is. That said, if we’re going to talk about HR, we need to have a serious discussion about electability.

Sadly, too much of the country isn’t ready for HR. That’s a shame.

Is there anyone else out of DC worth your vote? I can already hear some of you: what about Henry Rollins?

Rollins’ DC roots speak for themself. He’s as qualified for the gig as Ian and HR. But with Rollins there’s always going to be whispers about going Hollywood. Is he the same Hank from DC? I think so, but there are too many voters out there afraid of an old “sell-out” scandal to pop up right before the election. We just can’t risk it.

Whenever the next big election is, if I remember to show up, I’m voting for Ian MacKaye.

Woman Buys 100 Boxes of Hair Dye Just for the Gloves

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

LANSING, Mich. — Local punk Diana Spalsbury purchased 100 boxes of semi-permanent hair dye yesterday, just for the pair of disposable gloves that come inside each package.

“I got the idea when I was using an old box of hair dye and giving myself a quarantine-boredom makeover,” said Spalsbury. “I’ve been looking for gloves and they’re sold out everywhere… but stores still have a shitload of hair dye, so it works out pretty well. The only bad part is that I just charged like, $900 on my Chase card, and they’re already all pissed off at me, so whatever. At least now, if I ever need 42 bottles of Blackest Brown dye, I’ll be covered.”

Though their household now has a stockpile of gloves from the boxes of hair dye, Diana’s husband Mike isn’t thrilled about the expenses.

“I mean, I guess it’s good that we have enough pairs of gloves to last us a while,” said Mike. “But those boxes of hair dye really ate up our stimulus checks… and they kind of just take up a ton of room, too. I mean, we still have to buy groceries — I don’t know what we’re gonna do. I guess our cupboard’s gonna be full of Top Ramen and L’Oreal Paris Superior Preference Fade-Defying + Shine Permanent Hair Color. Fuckin’ sucks.”

Representatives of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found Spalsbury’s methods to be unorthodox but unproblematic.

“Well, I’m not sure it’s the most cost-effective way to go,” said Rober R. Redfield, director of the CDC. “But as long as you’re washing your hands, avoiding touching your face, doing a patch test on a small area of skin that’s not readily visible, and keeping the dye on your head for no more than 30 minutes, I don’t see any problem with it.”

Spalsbury later ordered 50 pairs of Nikes for the tissue paper that comes inside every shoebox.

“I Guess Now Is As Good A Time As Any to Rewatch ‘Becker,'” States Quarantined Man Who Just Finished Eating His Entire Family

Posted on by Tim Nash

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local father Daniel Mercer had no choice but to rewatch the oft-overlooked ’90s sitcom “Becker” yesterday after murdering and consuming his wife and two young children less than two weeks into a self-imposed quarantine, according to police.

“I’m trying to keep it together, just like everybody else out there,” explained Mercer, clutching his “Becker” DVD box set, still wet with the blood of his firstborn son. “But I just finished ‘The Office’ for the 10th time before this whole thing started, and then I burned through ‘Cheers’ so quickly, there was really only one option left. I haven’t even opened the case for season 6 yet, so it’s almost like a whole new show to me.”

Next door neighbor and mother of four Emilia Owens described the strange and horrifying noises she overheard coming from the Mercer home.

“My God, it was awful,” recounted Owens, fighting back tears. “He must have fallen asleep while watching, because at one point it was stuck on the DVD menu for season two, disc three — I swear I can still hear the theme music. Other than that, haven’t heard a peep from the Mercers in a while. I did see Daniel barbecuing alone in the backyard recently. I suppose his family was inside patiently waiting for their supper. What a nice guy.”

Local police and paramedics eventually arrived to escort Mercer from the gruesome scene and bring him into custody.

“This isn’t going to stop until ‘Friends’ returns to a streaming platform,” lamented Ofc. Dennis Edwards, noting he himself had just started “Spin City” that week. “At this rate, we really can’t afford to wait until May for HBO Max.”

The outrageous incident even caught the eye of “Becker” star Ted Danson, who spoke with Mercer in prison.

“Honestly, I’ve always been fascinated in behavior such as this,” explained Danson. “What exactly motivates humans to snap in this way? Where does this animalistic drive come from? I feel we’ll be confronted with many questions like this in the coming weeks. At any rate, it’s always a privilege to meet a true fan.”

Disney Faces Backlash After Doc McStuffins’ Bizarre Coronavirus Rant

Posted on by Amir Adan

BURBANK, Calif. — Disney executives have come under fire for shocking statements made last night by animated television star Doc McStuffins during a Fox News roundtable discussion about the COVID-19 pandemic.

“Disney does not stand for the profanity-laced, insensitive, racist comments made by Ms. McStuffins,” Disney spokesperson Rachel Jorgensen said. “Her disgusting assertion that the ‘gross fucks with the bat flu deserve to die’ is not in line with company values, and we wholly disavow her statement. And myths about Bill Gates manufacturing this pandemic to take over the global healthcare system are not only baseless, but dangerous to be spreading to her audience.”

Fans of the show who once looked to McStuffins for advice are now speaking out about her comments and the harm they’ve caused.

“I’m just so disappointed that someone I trusted so much could say such things,” said six-year-old fan of the show, Maria Thompson. “I’ve watched her for most of my life, and she just always seemed so trustworthy and knowledgeable on her show. But after hearing her spew such ignorant thoughts about coronavirus, I’m not so sure anymore. Her insistence on calling it the ‘China virus’ and then doing a bad Chinese impression was way out of line. I will not be watching her show any longer.”

McStuffins, who lost her medical license in 2009 following a kickback scandal, responded to the backlash earlier this morning.

“Fuck off. I owe you nothing,” said an agitated McStuffins from her home. “This is just one big media circus to distract from the big picture — they want to devalue the currency and implant biometric chips into us, but nobody is seeing that! We must reopen the economy and take back our freedoms we’re losing during this martial law bullshit. We can not let fear control us, and we must return our country to normalcy.”

McStuffins’ show, which just aired its series finale this last weekend, is still scheduled to have reruns shown on the network, although Disney is discussing giving “Caillou” the lucrative time slot.

Facebook Employee Wastes Whole Day on Facebook Again

Posted on by Laura Merli

MENLO PARK — With a wave of disappointment washing over himself for squandering another potentially productive day, an employee at Facebook headquarters was reportedly distraught after realizing he’d wasted a whole day on Facebook again, sources confirmed.

“God, I can’t believe I wasted another day on this website,” sighed Facebook programmer Dave Bennett, who says he lost track of time endlessly scrolling through the sensitive personal data of 2.45 billion Facebook users in his feed. “Someday I’m going to do something that makes a difference in the world, a difference besides spreading conspiracy theories, propaganda memes, and reminders to your Aunt about happy memories with her now-deceased husband on this day 5 years ago.”

Like many people across the nation, Bennett goes on Facebook first thing in the morning. Despite his best intentions, the rest of his day usually gets sucked into Facebook as well.

“Making sure other people stay on Facebook all day is literally my full time job, and I guess I’m not immune to that, either,” Bennett lamented, before pausing to check some internal Facebook notifications on a proprietary Slack knock-off. “At the end of the day, what do I even have to show for being on Facebook all the time? Besides my 6-figure salary, I mean.”

At press time, Bennett said that although he wishes he spent less time on Facebook, he was at least glad to see that he wasn’t as seemingly miserable as the billions of Facebook users whose sad faces he can see through their webcams.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: 2020 Is Actually Good Because It Subverts Expectations

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

Where are all the new ideas?! Every movie is the same tired plot. Every TV show is full of unoriginal characters who we’ve seen over and over again for decades. Even areas of the real world like social media or politics plays out the same narrative year after year in a never ending loop until the end of time. And since we’re just about at the end of time, it’s so refreshing to see one thing came along and completely subvert our expectations. So, when you think about it that way, 2020 has actually been an amazing year.

Let’s start with politics. New characters entered the universe in 2020 but were left undeveloped and lacked any emotional arc, so it didn’t actually change anything. For instance, we could have edited out the entire DNC primary side plot and ended up in the same exact place. BUT, you thought it would impact the story, therefore it brilliantly subverted your expectations, thus, it’s actually really, really good.

What about Trump? The master of subverting expectations. Sure, Obama set up some great ideas. They may not have been the most original but they were interesting enough. But then the first thing Trump did was tear them all down! We gotta say, subverting our expectations of a working healthcare system was so ahead of its time it’s literally sickening.

Oh yeah, remember when they tried to impeach Trump but then nothing actually happened? Wow, nothing like a boring mutiny set piece to really throw the audience off. Do we even have any expectations left for 2020 at all?!

Hm. I’m beginning to think subverting expectations isn’t actually good, though. I think it might actually be ruining things when it’s overused just for the sake of surprising us.

In any event, fast forward to now. Let’s talk about it. The 400 pound pandemic in the room: coronavirus. If you had told us we’d spend a chunk of this year quarantined in our house, we would’ve said, “no way!” That’s just terrible writing. We already did the plague thing in the original trilogy, why would you repeat it?

So they knew about this disease months in advance and could have been preparing, but instead decided to subvert our expectations by allowing this super-plague to ravage our country? Wow, big respect! That is some next level subversion that the world may never recover from. So far 2020 is on track to be the most incredible year to date due to the genius idea to entirely subvert all possible expectations.

That said, “The Last Jedi” still sucked.

Quarantined Roommates Mistake Enabling Each Other’s Drinking As Burgeoning Friendship

Posted on by James Webster

ALBANY, N.Y. — Roommates Jonah Gray and Nic Shore have become fast friends under New York State’s PAUSE order by simply reinforcing each other’s drinking under the guise of intimacy, according to their third roommate.

“Before the quarantine started, we were never really that close,” said Gray. “I found this place on Craigslist and took a chance on living with strangers, and it was always fine. Like, I’d say ‘hey’ and nothing else if I saw him in the kitchen, but then I’d go back to my room and close the door, and that was that. But lately, I’ve realized we have a lot in common, and it turns out he’s the kind of guy who’s really fun to grab a beer with at 11 a.m.”

Shore agreed, enjoying the newfound company during his daily routine of day-drinking in the living room.

“I really don’t think quarantine is that bad,” slurred Shore. “Like, how hard is it to be in your own home, leaving once a day to buy more beer and exactly enough frozen shit to last you until the next time you go out? S’cool that Jonah gets it now. I think he used to judge me because my mom pays my rent, you know? But now he’s getting that government check, and the government’s just a bigger mom.”

“Twitter says there’s gonna be a rent strike soon, and after that, $1,200 buys a lot of Tecate and HBO GO,” Shore added. “We’re gonna be fine — Jonah, me, and whoever it is that lives in that third bedroom.”

Clay Luce, the house’s third occupant, is not exactly thrilled about the development.

“All the bills for this place are in my name, and I’d love it if they would take some of them off my hands. I’m the only one of us who still has a job, and working from home while those two are out in the living room getting shitcanned is just so annoying,” Luce stated. “They start early, they go late, and they don’t contribute anything to the house. They stress me out, but I guess that’s just the way friendship goes sometimes.”

At press time, all three roommates were wondering if they were too drunk to drive before realizing that there’s nowhere to go.

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