Trump Orders Raid of Wendy’s Dreams and Visions in Retaliation for Bruce Springsteen’s Rant

Posted on by Dan Rice

LONG BRANCH, N.J. — President Trump ordered a federal raid of the dreams and visions of Wendy, the female character from “Born to Run,” in an act of retribution against Bruce Springsteen for his anti-Trump tirade at a U.K. show going viral, sources confirmed.

“Springsteen stepped out over the line, and it’s time to show him who the real boss is! He’s washed up anyway, lots of people say I’m a better songwriter. People have been saying that for a long time. Plus, New Jersey smells bad, a real shit hole,” said an unhinged Trump defending the raid this morning. “An attack on me is an attack on this country. Anyone caught sweating it out on the streets of a runaway American dream will be detained, questioned, and prosecuted to the full extent of the law! I heard this Wendy is a real Tramp, Bruce even says so. I bet she’s been around the block more than a few times. You know what I call that? I call that damaged goods. She can wrap her legs ‘round his velvet rims and strap her arms ‘round his engine all she wants, we will find her!”

Wendy expressed both outrage and confusion at the government’s attempts to access her dreams and visions.

“First a bunch of masked goons storm into my house and turn the place out, then they tell me they have a warrant to raid my dreams and visions, but it looked like they had just scribbled on the back of a Jersey Mike’s wrapper,” said Wendy. “They didn’t seem to know what they were doing and certainly didn’t know how to get access to my dreams. At one point they plugged a vacuum cleaner into an iPad and sort of just sucked my ear with it for a while, I’m not sure what they were expecting to happen but they looked disappointed so they just smashed some more of my shit and left.”

The raid efforts have only provoked further criticism from Springsteen.

“This is happening now. Federal agents are storming bold and stark amusement parks, sending hemi-powered drones from beyond the palace, huddling U.S.-born children up on the beach in the mist, all for speaking dissent. This is happening in America right now!” said Springsteen. “I was born down in a dead man’s town, and right now we all feel like dogs that have been beat too much. But we can come together and beat this. You can’t start a fire without a spark.”

According to FBI director Kash Patel, raid efforts have been hampered due to highways being jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive.

Polyamorous Couple Rearranges Funko Pop Collection to Impress New Third

Posted on by Tim Sheard

SANTA CLARITA, Calif. — Noted polyamorous couple Zheff Macguire and Morgy Clementine were spotted frantically rearranging their Funko Pop collection ahead of their visiting third, Shan “Buttercup” Vidovich, confirmed sources.

“At first my Pops were lined up by which is my bestest friend. Like my favorites, you know?” Macguire shared while kneading green hair color into their remaining thin stringy strands. “Then sweet Morgy-pie helped me put them into a curated color wave, sort of how we did with our bookshelf. But we ultimately decided to place them in order of historical significance, since we met our third at the Ren Faire. Of course, this leads to historical arguments, particularly with our Disney Pops. Do we go by release date, since ‘Snow White’ came out in 1937, or the era depicted, since ‘Mulan’ takes place in the 4th century AD? You can see how much stress this causes.”

Vidovich admitted to not particularly noticing the collectible figures.

“Yeah, I saw the shelf, but honestly their condo was pretty dark so I couldn’t really see anything on the shelves,” shared Vidovich while shopping online for new suit vests. “Their bedsheets were black, a classic indication that this couple doesn’t frequently shower. The condo was gross, but I’ve seen worse. At least their plush Totoro carpet felt good against my toenails. They don’t make me brush my teeth either, thank God. Plus they’re anti-deodorant, like me. I might enjoy my ‘unicorn’ status here for a stint. Everything back at my polycycle co-op is so dingy. The sink roaches are mutating something fierce from those hair dye chemicals.”

Funko marketing executive Elliott Bacharach spoke about upcoming inclusive products.

“At Funko, we understand that ‘fun’ comes in all relationship styles, including ethical polyamory,” shared Bacharach from an inflatable bubble podium. “We’re proud of our new line: Funko Pops tailored specifically to non-monogamous consumers. This includes magnetic re-attachable crotch areas, allowing Pops to explore every flavor of non-committal intimacy on your shelf. Now your Guardians of the Galaxy Pops can run a train through your Spongebob Pops. Your Elphaba Pop can 69 with your Godzilla Pop, on permanent display. Am I the only one getting bricked up here?”

Latest reports indicate a surge of arguments between Macguire, Clementine, and Vidovich regarding which season of “One Piece” to watch, followed by disputes over various sugar-laden cereal brands to serve for breakfast.

Heartwarming! When This Guy’s Cybertruck Blew a Tire, a Good Samaritan Stopped and Beat Him With a Tire Iron

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Have you ever witnessed a stranger struggling and ignored them because it wasn’t your business? Whether it’s because of selfishness or just being self-conscious, it’s a safe bet that most people agree that kindness is in short supply. Some could justify that it’s a result of the indoctrination of “rugged individualism”, or that there’s a possibility a stranger in need is secretly a serial killer or in an MLM. Both are valid, but the less we’re willing to help others, the more likely we become disconnected from our communities or even humanity as a whole.

That’s when we need a feel-good, humanity-restoring moment to remind us of what the human experience is all about. As it so happens, local man Trevor Wilkins saw another guy struggling to change the tire on his Cybertruck, and was kind enough to pull over and then beat his ass with a tire iron.

“I know it’s a knee jerk reaction to flip off a Cybertruck and I damn nearly did. But I saw this guy struggling to pry a flat from his mobile dumpster in the rain and figured he’s already suffered enough, so I pulled over to help him out. That was my first mistake. Before I could even verbally offer help, he called me a liberal cuck, which I assume was because of my Subaru, before launching into an unsolicited lecture about how Elon is a genius, and that the tires are designed to pop after running over discarded soda cans. It was at that moment I realized the best way to help this dude was to yank the tire iron out of his hands and literally knock some sense into him.”

It wasn’t long before other motorists also stopped to cheer on Wilkins, and some even got out of their cars to rip the paneling off the truck to shield him from the rain. Proof right there that kindness is contagious!

“To be honest, I began wondering if I was doing the right thing, especially when he started begging me to stop. But then I realized if I were being an insufferable and ungrateful jerk I’d want someone to set me straight. I let up the second he promised me he’d trade it in for an infinitely more practical vehicle, I knew I had made a positive impact in his life. I can only hope that he’ll pay it forward.”

Friend Suggesting the Table Order Some Apps to Share Evidently Doing Pretty Fucking Well for Themselves

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SEATTLE — A casual dinner amongst old friends at The Prissy Duck took a turn Friday night when apparent nouveau riche Luke Moore encouraged everyone to split several appetizers, sparking accusations that someone must be rolling in goddamn cash, less affluent sources confirmed.

“Where does this guy get off thinking we can all afford to eat appetizers?! I mean, seriously, it must be nice to be able to look at a menu without having a panic attack,” said struggling writer Tessa Larson, who just got water to drink. “I planned to order a $9 side dish as my entire meal, and Luke’s out here talking about ordering goddamn Arancini and Racalette to share, like we are all fuckin’ Vanderbilts. Not all of us got a cush job in the tech industry right out of college, Luke! I’m paying for this meal with overdraft protection! You better fucking believe we are not splitting this check evenly like that stunt [Moore] pulled last month at Pully & Barrow.”

Moore, however, seemed to be unwavering in his attempt to “go in on a few apps” with no concerns for his friends’ economic woes.

“I don’t see the big deal in splitting some Smoked Aioli Crab Cakes. We are all adults now and it’s time to stop acting like we still split Grand Slams at Denny’s,” Moore said, with the confidence of someone who never had student loans. “A couple small plates won’t break the bank. It’s been a hard year and we should treat ourselves. Plus, I want to celebrate that I finally paid off my car.”

Dr. Morgan Hartwell, a sociologist specializing in economic disparities among peer groups, explained that these dinner table dynamics are common in people in their late 20s and early 30s.

“In every generation there comes a point where a wealth gap grows between friends who’ve secured stable careers and those still, let’s say, trying to find themselves,” Dr. Hartwell stated. “So when someone suggests ordering extraneous cuisine, it really highlights the ignorance of the middle-class in relation to their ‘dreamer’ contemporaries. This is why we recommend only dining with friends who are in your same tax bracket.”

As of press time, the dinner abruptly ended after Moore ordered a bottle of wine for everyone without consulting anyone.

Punk Community Celebrates 20th Anniversary of Hopelessly Waiting For Operation Ivy to Reunite At Riot Fest

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

CHICAGO — Legions of punk fans are bracing for disappointment over the exclusion of a reunion set from beloved ska-punk band Operation Ivy during the 20th iteration of Riot Fest, confirm sources who can’t believe this is still a thing.

“Every year, I proclaim to anyone willing to listen that I will not support a Riot Fest that doesn’t get Operation Ivy back together,” stated local music fan James ‘Crunchy’ Mann, who has attended the festival every year since its debut in November 2005. “And yet, I’ll probably still be there this year, 7 Fireball shots in and screaming out song titles from ‘Energy’ during The Beach Boys’ set. At this point, it’s become such a tradition that I’d probably be more pissed if Op Ivy actually played.”

A talent organizer for Riot Fest, speaking under anonymity due to an NDA, explained that the constant exclusion of festival goers’ most requested act is intentional.

“Look, at Riot Fest, we’re trying to sell an idea. That idea is that if you buy a ticket, Operation Ivy is somehow going to materialize unannounced on the main stage and play to a crowd that is sobbing and skanking simultaneously,” said the organizer while making sure Jesse Michaels’ contact card on their phone was clearly visible. “Truth be told, we could book them anytime we want, but then no one would come out to the next one. It’s like the old saying goes: ‘Ya gotta keep ‘em wanting more while also violently complaining on the internet about a missing set they were never promised in the first place.’ It’s called marketing.”

While grateful for the continued admiration, former Operation Ivy member and Riot Fest veteran, Tim Armstrong, expressed confusion over fans’ dismay.

“I don’t get it. If people want it so bad, why aren’t they showing up to the dumpster sets?” asked Armstrong, referencing his yearly unaffiliated and unpromoted solo sets of Operation Ivy material performed at a dumpster in an undisclosed location near Douglass Park. “One year I even got Paulbany to play the sax solo in ‘Bad Town.’ Can’t please everyone, I guess.”

At press time, festival organizers were seen attempting to convince The Beach Boys to cover “Sound System” during their upcoming slot.

Conservative Man Secretly Hoping Lilith Fair Festival Is Revived So He Can Complain About It

Posted on by Steve Packosky

HOUSTON — Local conservative Kyle Edwards found himself hoping female-centric music festival Lilith Fair is revived so he can complain about it, sources report.

“I haven’t really told anyone about this, but yeah, I hope it comes back,” Edwards admitted. “I’m totally prepared to point out that a men’s music festival would be seen as sexist, so it’s totally hypocritical for Lilith Fair to exist. I also have a take that such a thing even existing just points to the feminization of our culture, which completely weakens this country in the eyes of our adversaries. I’ve actually drafted an entire script I can use in a Facebook post or when I’m with my extended family on Thanksgiving, so fingers crossed that it comes to fruition. In the meantime, I’m just going to have to keep complaining about prayer being taken out of public schools.”

Concert founder and singer-songwriter Sarah McLachlan reacted to Edwards’ revelation.

“This definitely isn’t surprising,” McLachlan sighed. “Have you been on the internet in the last decade? Pathetic chuds like this are everywhere, and they’re more emboldened now thanks to last year’s election results. I actually had no plans to start up Lilith Fair again, but I think I’ll do it just to spite these mouth-breathers and watch them whine incessantly. I’ll maybe even book Chappel Roan just to piss them off even more. The world is a dark place right now, so we might as well find these small pleasures wherever we can.”

Psychologist Amber Marques shed some light on Edwards’ mindset.

“Conservatives these days constantly need to feel like they’re being persecuted,” Marques offered. “That’s why Fox News is constantly making them feel enraged about things that don’t affect them in the slightest, like Critical Race Theory or some trans kid in Iowa who wants to join their high school’s swim team. They’re only happy when they’re convinced someone or something is threatening their way of life, and they will eagerly dream up fantasies when nothing comes to mind at the moment, which is what we’re seeing here. This concert doesn’t exist right now, but even if it did this man could simply choose to not attend. Try telling that to him, though.”

At press time, Edwards’ attention had been redirected to secretly hoping the upcoming G.I. Joe reboot would have a black person playing Gung-Ho so he can complain about it.

Busted! Mounting Evidence Suggests Tom Morello Has Been Making the Guitar Sounds With His Mouth This Whole Time

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Throughout the ‘90s and early 2000s, audiences simply could not believe their ears when ax-man Tom Morello plugged in his six-string. The sounds, otherworldly. Alien howls, jizzing robots, and that “wicca wicca” turntable sounding thing thrilled audiences across the globe. But how does he do it? Apparently by being a big fat fucking liar!

Back in the late ‘90s, The Hard Times Investigative Unit received an anonymous tip regarding suspicious guitar activities from the Rage Against The Machine maestro. Regrettably, our priorities at the time were primarily focused on the bombshell that Marilyn Manson was that one kid from The Wonder Years. Decades passed, and the lead went cold, but still the thought gnawed at me. I can play guitar too, but it doesn’t sound like R2D2 getting his ass eaten out. What gives?

Over the ensuing months, our team scoured over 150 hours of footage of Morello shredding and began to notice inconsistencies. His hands would sometimes remain stationary on the neck of the guitar during solos or they would be violently tugging at the whammy bar during whammyless parts of the song. Sometimes it appeared that his guitar was not plugged in or even had strings at all. And during one particular Audioslave show in Boulder, CO he appeared to be playing a six-foot Italian sub sandwich that was poorly disguised to look like a guitar. It was during this performance that we noticed all of his guitar parts sounded like they were chewing on prosciutto and the case was blown wide open.

It was the perfect crime. Many lead guitarists play while standing in front of a microphone in case they need to sing “whoa oh oh” or yell at the sound guy. However, upon closer inspection, you will notice Morello is not merely making the standard orgasmic expression expected of rock guitarists; it’s full-on ventriloquism. A quick background check of his transcript confirmed it. In 1990, he dropped out of guitar college after only one semester to pursue voice acting. This guy is the freaking Michael Winslow of alterna-protest rock and we had no idea!

There was only one thing left to do. We ambushed Morello in the waiting room of his urologist’s office. In a full-on end of Tootsie-style rant, he confessed everything — Zack De La Rocha is a hologram, all of their albums were recorded by session musicians, they’re not renegades of funk. He even admitted that Tim Commerford wasn’t protesting anything when he climbed the scaffolding at the MTV Video Awards; he just likes to climb scaffolding.

Rare Koala Absolute Fuck Machine

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SAN DIEGO — A rare koala discovered at the San Diego Zoo defied its species’ reputation for being sedentary and lethargic and became an uncontrollable fuck machine, according to dozens of disgusted and concerningly a few aroused witnesses.

“It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it,” grunted Stanley the five-year-old Queensland koala as he mounted a nearby doe. “Most of my competition spends all day sleeping or just messing around with a bunch of eucalyptus, which gives me the perfect opportunity to go absolutely hog wild up in this place. One of the most ironic things about us is that we’re not known for mating often, yet we’re infamous for having chlamydia. Now you know why—this guy right here. I’m basically ground zero for the clap.”

Carol Trainer, who was visiting the zoo with her young children, is still traumatized after what she witnessed.

“I only took my family to see the koalas because we had to flee the horse exhibit after a few of the stallions started hanging dong,” stated the still visibly shaken Trainer. “As soon as they unsheathed those beasts we hightailed it over to what we thought would be a more wholesome environment with some cute teddy bears lounging around. But when we got here, shit popped off immediately as that one koala was spreading his seed with reckless abandon. What made it even more unnerving was I could swear he was staring at me the entire time.”

Local zoologist Dr. Kervin Myers described the lengths to which vulnerable species will go to ensure survival.

“Nature won’t die without a fight,” stated Dr. Myers as he intently watched Stanley go to work.
“Some big cats like jaguars and tigers, for instance, have adapted to nocturnal hunting to avoid the threat from poachers, while elephants have learned to migrate over longer distances to find drinking water. Then you have the koala, which it appears can thank its survival to Stanley, who’s taken it upon himself to single-handedly attempt to replenish his species by plowing through every marsupial in sight.”

At press time, Stanley was seen going down on another doe while doing hand stuff to two lucky bucks.

Wikipedia Once Again Asking for $1 in Exchange For Teaching You Everything You’ve Ever Learned

Posted on by Rachel Hein

SAN FRANCISCO — Free online encyclopedia Wikipedia known for its convenience, comprehensiveness, depth, and reliability on every subject known to man has mustered the nerve to ask for one whole dollar from its users as a donation, confirmed sources.

“It’s true, I had to close a little box where they were begging for my pocket change before I could read an article on inventors who were killed by their own inventions.” remarked Alice Walsh, an avid Wikipedia user. “Wikipedia has written every one of my school papers since 2005, and I have my masters. I don’t know how anyone knew anything before it existed. Were they all just dumb? It has been nothing but factually correct, helpful, and free for me. But I just can’t seem to bring myself around to donate 100 pennies to it.”

Monica Bart, who serves as a top “Wikipedian” volunteer editor, believes in information access as a free public resource, yet also fears “Wiki crime” is on the rise.

“Do you understand the work it has taken to clean up the slums of Wiki?” Bart exclaimed. “The pages I monitor are constantly being vandalized by strangers with disruptive—often vulgar—edits. Day and night I fight to protect them from becoming a wasteland by these internet scamps, and I don’t see a dime. It is my responsibility to protect and to serve. The least you can do is donate a buck for learning about the origins of high-fiving and a cat mayor in Alaska.”

Brent Wiseman, CEO of the Wiki Foundation, speaks to the difficulty of managing a self-governing online ecosystem used by everyone and paid for by no one.

“I have no idea how we got this far, in this way. However, we would like to have some money now,” Wiseman reported. “Our business is run completely on the goodwill and hyperfixation disorders of complete randos out there. I really have no idea how this place runs, but it’s been too long for me to ask. People have always trusted me because of how I look and I can’t ruin that by asking questions. Regardless, we have other stuff we need money for that you don’t know about. Just trust me, okay?”

At press time, Wikipedia had no choice but to start a GoFundMe page and set the goal to $15.

We Taste-Tested These Gruels Because We’ll All Be Feudal Serfs Soon

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

America is in the middle of some pretty big changes right now, which you might have missed if you don’t follow the news or didn’t see the ICE agent kicking in your door right now. Trump’s tariffs are raising prices on virtually all products, according to everyone who doesn’t work for him and/or is attempting to bring about the end times, and that includes your favorite groceries like fine sardines and Choco Tacos.

We’re all going to have to tighten the belt and adjust to the future, by which we mean our inevitable feudal serfdom under the brutal heel of Google, Alibaba, and whichever DOGE teenager seizes power over the eastern seaboard in the next couple of months. And just like serfs of medieval times, we’re all going to be choking down various gruels for the rest of our lives, so we figured we’d get ahead of the curve and taste-test them for you and your various descendents in squalor!

Mush: We decided to start things out easy, because we still have lingering memories of Tostitos and name-brand cheese products being affordable. A nice lukewarm mush made of millet, cracked wheat, dust bunnies, whatever the fuck a groat is, and purina, boiled to hell and slopped into a bowl to give us enough caloric energy to make it through yet another day servicing the murderbots of Archduke Tim Cook really isn’t that bad. Could use less weevils in it, though.

Oliver Twist-Brand Grey Slurry: Next up, we tried the Oliver Twist-brand grey slurry, the most popular foodstuff to ever come out of the United Kingdom. While we exactly say we wanted “more,” we could see how this is the kind of bubbling muck that will put you right for another day in a Dickensian workhouse or maybe just to pick a pocket or two. When in doubt, choose the gruel with the famished, sad-eyed orphan on the box!

Whatever’s Steaming in This Pot: When the last bulwarks of modern society collapse in a couple of months and forgetting your Real ID at home means maximum security torture prison, even store-bought gruel will be a luxury. That’s why we tested whatever opaque, semi-fluid substance is steaming in this pot right now and being stirred by what we can only describe as a “cyber-crone.” Remember, if we had just paid attention to the lessons of the Magna Carta, we wouldn’t be choking down something that we’re pretty sure had rocks in it.

Commandant Burgleboil’s Supper Leavings: While most of us will end up penal serfs laboring in the great iPhone fields of New Arkansas, there will be a few lucky ones who manage to end up in charge of the other Indentured Citizens©. Thanks to the good ol’ trickle-down theory, that means that we’ll be able to take cover near Commandant Burgeboil’s headquarters and lick the remains of his protein-infused gruel off his garbage. 3 out of 5 stars.

Cream of Wheat: No, that’s just too fucking disgusting.