The Dead Milkmen are a punk band from Philadelphia and not just what happens when your dad finds the milkman’s underpants hastily hidden behind his golf bag again. Since the early 1980s, the band has delivered satirically biting, jangly-guitared songs that could swing as widely from criticizing American politics to the unintended side effects of gargling bleach, and all with a self-aware, knowing side-eye. Here is our definitive ranking of every Dead Milkmen album.
11. Stoney’s Extra Stout (Pig) (1995)
There are no bad Dead Milkmen albums. Actually I take that back – there is this one and maybe the next one on this list, but I’ll figure that out once I get to it. The point is that “Stoney’s Extra Stout (Pig)” just does not feel like anyone involved in its creation had any investment in its content and certainly didn’t enjoy working on it. But hey, for a band as prolific as Dead Milkmen, it’s probably acceptable to have one stinker on the roster. Now, let’s move on to the next one to see how it holds up.
Play It Again: “Peter Bazooka”
Skip It: “Helicopter Interiors”
10. The King In Yellow (2011)
No, never mind. This one’s bad too. In the band’s defense, it’s gotta be tough to come back 15 years later without your outstanding bass player ( R.I.P Dave Blood) and knock it out of the park on the first swing. So we’re gonna give this one a pass for quality, but all of you should probably give it a pass for listening.
Play It Again: “Cold Hard Ground”
Skip It: “Buried In the Sky”
9. Metaphysical Graffiti (1990)
“Metaphysical Graffiti” is a letdown for sure. After a string of A+ albums the band was bound to fumble at some point, and that point is this one. It follows the same path as many previous efforts but just doesn’t do it very well, sort of like being drunk on a camping trip and trying to find your way back to the tent after throwing up in the communal cooler. That’s the feeling of this whole record – a bad job cooler puke.
Play It Again: “If You Love Somebody, Set Them on Fire”
Skip It: “In Praise of Sha Na Na”
8. Not Richard, But Dick (1993)
“Not Richard, But Dick” feels predominantly uninspired. It’s far from the worst the Dead Milkmen ever gave us but overall feels like the band were never able to make the record stand out in any way. Though the energy of a Dead Milkmen record is present, the normally satirical vision of the band is not. In other words, much like the record’s title it insists you call it by a name though it’s your natural inclination not to.
Play It Again: “Little Volcano”
Skip It: “I Started To Hate You”
7. Pretty Music For Pretty People (2014)
“Pretty Music For Pretty People” (or “PM For the PP” as we’ve just decided to start calling it) is a decent, if mostly forgettable record, so much so that we’re willing to bet that more than a few of you are only just now learning that it exists. But “PM For the PP” still does a fine job of taking the tried and true Dead Milkmen formula for writing satirical lyrics overtop of “what the fuck is this shit?” instrumentation to make for a relatively enjoyable listening experience which you will near-immediately put out of your mind.
Play It Again: “Anthropology Days”
Skip It: “Hipster Beard”
6. Eat Your Paisley (1986)
Okay, so right around this point in the ranking is where we start to get some really great albums that seem to be far too low in the list for how good they are until you step back and consider that this band has just made a lot of really great records and that this in no way takes away from the quality and staying power of the ones ranked slightly lower and that if this record has some sort of special meaning to you then just remember that this is not a personal affront it’s just how we decided to rank them and you know fucking what just go ahead and reorder the next four or five however the fuck you would prefer for all we care cause it doesn’t change a goddamn thing. Anyways, “Eat Your Paisley”: pretty damn good record.
Play It Again: “Beach Party Vietnam”
Skip It: “Earwig”
5. Soul Rotation (1992)
This is one of those records that, the first time you hear it, doesn’t feel like it makes a strong impression. But then you listen to it again… and again… and again… and again, and for some reason you can’t quite figure out why but it just keeps drawing you back in. And one day you just realize it’s your new favorite record and you kind of just have to accept that fact. Maybe it’s because this is a Joe Jack-heavy record or maybe it’s the more traditionally focused songwriting but “Soul Rotation” is a highly underrated Dead Milkmen album.
Play It Again: “Big Scary Place”
Skip It: “The Conspiracy Song”
4. Big Lizard In My Backyard (1985)
“Big Lizard In My Backyard” is an apt title for this record as the metaphor we’d most closely associate with it is that of the “big fish in a small pond.” The album shows great promise in the band’s songwriting capabilities and their drive to hone a unique voice, but so much of the record still lingers in the confines of three-chord punk rock structure. In other words, it’s impressive at a glance but the band doesn’t really hit their stride until that lizard busts the fuck outta that backyard.
Play It Again: “Big Lizard In My Backyard”
Skip It: “Takin’ Retards To the Zoo”
3. Bucky Fellini (1987)
No Dead Milkmen albums are great because they give you exactly what you expect from them. If you want to see how those albums fare we’d recommend scrolling back up to, oh, let’s say 9th place and be reminded of what we said about those. “Bucky Fellini” is certainly not what you would have expected from the band at the time, but that is a major part of why it makes you want to keep listening. With the inclusion of a Daniel Johnston cover and the satirically depressing yet catchy “Watching Scotty Die” this album more than deserves to be in the number 3 spot.
Play It Again: “Going To Graceland”
Skip it: “I Am the Walrus”
2. Quaker City Quiet Pills (2023)
Maybe it’s because it’s fresh in our minds or maybe it’s the fistful of adderall we took after lunch but we absolutely love this record. Not as though we needed proof that the Dead Milkmen could still write a remarkably well crafted, satirically interesting and yet still danceable record in their later years, but all the same we have the artifact now regardless. “Quaker City Quiet Pills” blends some of the best elements of every era of Milkmen with a few new hooks thrown in for good measure.
Play It Again: “How Do You Even Manage To Exist?”
Skip It: “Musical Chairs”
1. Beelzebubba (1988)
It took the band a few years but they finally hit their apex with “Beelzebubba.” The exact right combination between snooty and intellectual, between thrashing punk chords and delicately written songs. Fuck, “Punk Rock Girl” is so good that you willingly bothered to learn things about the city of Philadelphia to enjoy it more. That’s a record with staying power. If you’re a fan of the Dead Milkmen but haven’t listened to them in a while, go back and put this record from front to back. We can pretty much guarantee you won’t skip a second of this album after you’ve started it.
Play It Again: “Punk Rock Girl” But seriously just listen to the whole goddamn thing.
Skip It: Nada
Mac V2 is a cross between Miracle Alien Cookies and another strain of unknown origin. Though fairly potent, it is both uplifting and relaxing and doesn’t inhibit focus as much as most strains in its class, making MAC V2 Ideal for both daytime and nighttime use. Be warned, however—this strain is just too well-balanced and euphoric to truly maximize your anxiety while watching “The Bear.” While Carmy would approve of the strain’s tantalizing citrus and pepper notes, it won’t cause you so much stress that you have to remind yourself to breathe, separating you significantly from the main character and the overall spirit of “The Bear.”
It’s one of the most well-known strains in the world, so you would think the knowledge that you shouldn’t smoke a joint of this shit to your face before throwing on “The Bear” would have gotten around by now. Well if it did, we missed the memo. Wait, Lionel is still working on the donut? What is he doing?! Dude, they are going to MURDER you, are you serious? Lionel, come on man, snap out of it! No don’t show him now! Not now! Oh fuck. Oh fuck.
Runtz has skyrocketed in popularity over the last few years, and it’s not hard to see why! With its sugary fruit flavor profile and euphoric, uplifting high you’ll be saying “Yes chef!” to just about everything. While many users claim this strain helps manage their anxiety, the top reported negative effect is anxiety, so it’s a bit of a dice roll. There’s a chance you maintain enough of a good vibe to be entertained by the drama of Berzatto and co, or there’s a chance you wind up starting a kitchen fire in your sleep. Let it rip!
This classic sativa dominant’s balanced high, bringing both cerebral stimulation and deep body relaxation, will trick you into thinking you’re on solid enough ground to handle 30 minutes of Chicago kitchen stress. The sweet berry aroma gives way to a delightful pine after finish and oh fuck Richie is going for his gun what the fuck is going to happen?! When paired with the “Fishes” episode Blue Dream can produce a powerful feedback loop of every trauma you’ve experienced or embarrassing thing you’ve said at a family function from the age of 10 to the present, and you’ll spend hours wondering if it will ever be over. Users may also experience dry mouth.
This sweet yet tart indica is known for its powerful sedative effects, so why am I letting a 4th episode of “The Bear” play? It’s 2:30 in the morning, and this shit is making me insane. I’m starting to get too anxious about the stress dreams binging this show is going to give me, so I guess I’ll keep watching it to stay awake? This feels like the beginning of a terrible spiral Chef.
One of the most legendary sativa strains of all time, Jack Herer’s earthy pine-scented nugs will energize your synapses and prime you for some extremely triggering kitchen drama. You’ll be hearing those pre-order tickets print long after the credits roll when you watch “The Bear” with ole Jack.
Cousin, this strain is the real deal! Let me tell you, I really really did not need “the real deal” right now! They knocked down all the walls?! They have black mold?! And everyone is just like “Oh well let’s truck along”?! After everything that’s happened, this late in the game, they just throw “Let’s rebuild the building” on top of the heap, how is anyone functioning under these circumstances? They’re all about to pop right? They’re all just going to burst like balloons one by one, any second. Whoops, clenched my fist so hard it drew a little blood.
Is this the right move for Sydney? I’ve never really questioned it till now but yeah, this restaurant is a huge risk, and Carmy doesn’t really seem to be holding up his end right now. Like has this show actually been about her trusting the wrong people and burning out this whole time? Is that the kind of track my life is on? God my coworkers steal my energy so much, that’s why I’m so stressed just watching a TV show. What if I’m the one making things suck though? I gotta get my head straight. Start working out. I should write that down in my notes app, right now—”Start working out.” Oh, weird, it looks like I already did that two weeks ago. Jesus. Oh my god, that ravioli looks so fucking good!
Don’t let its classification as a hybrid fool you. Gorilla Glue derives its name from the fact that it can induce some of the most intense couch lock you’ve ever felt in your life, and, fuck, you left the remote over on the chair. Oh man, “The Bear” seemed like a good idea 2 bong rips ago but now you’re not so sure. Eh, screw it. You can handle this. It’s a hit TV show for God’s sake. It’s technically a comedy! Oh my god, it’s so stressful. Oh my fucking god I forgot what working in a kitchen is like oh my god it’s so fucking stressful oh my god oh my god oh my god…
Well, this is one of the most aptly named strains we’ve ever tried because our pulse has gone supersonic! Our budtender said this strain was good for anxiety, did they mean causing it? If you want the true feeling of being locked in that walk-in with Carmie, muttering away the only good thing in your life while helplessly listening to everything you’ve built descend into chaos, Gary is here to take you to the paint.
It’s mainly on this list as cocky fanboy proof that we’re aware of their pre-”Malice” music. In the Napster/Limewire days, leaked tracks like “Lie Captive” and an early version of “The Year Summer Ended in June” were our introduction to the band (and we were hooked.) Adding the name “Jordo” on the “Malice” version made it more personal and all the more real that Jesse had just been through some serious shit. In those early metalcore days, it was such a relief to see that normal dudes in black T’s didn’t need masks or rap infusions to make wildly hard tunes. It’s honestly better than many metalcore bands’ full length albums, and possibly the coolest thing about it is that, in the name of progress, a bunch of great music was left behind and not just recorded for “Malice.” This EP had talent way beyond their years, and passion and hunger that was like, “Yo, Ferret, sign us right now!” And Ferret was all like, “Oh fuck yeah, you metalcore savants.”
On the surface, it’s classic Karl-era Misery Signals. We were thrilled to get a new album that sounded a lot like “Controller.” All the things they’re known for are showcased so well, but those pesky behind-the-scenes rifts seeped in a little. Damn that human element! Some lyrics even kind of sound like, “We might be done here, right fellas?” There really are some fucking great tunes though. The soulful guitars are basically solos as riffs, and while other bands shoehorn in a violin or cello just to say “We’re growing as artists,” Mis Sigs does it right. You can tell a ton of time and effort went into it. It’s crisp as hell. Closing it out with the goosebump-enducing vocals of Fredua Boakye was a stroke of genius. “Everything Will Rust” sends chills every single time. Overall, it’s a solid album start to finish, but the fact that they barely toured it (and broke up after it) makes us think that they’d have it at this spot too.
Jesse’s back! And news of a new Misery Signals album gave us something to look forward to during that whole pandemic hoopla. When we finally got to hear it, we were treated to banger after banger off the top. Those first 3 tracks are as good an “opening 3 tracks” as you can get. Just hard and intense and everything we love about them. The instrumentals were tough-as-nails hardcore and we instantly remembered what a profound lyricist Jesse is. Every song has these, “Damn, I know exactly what you mean, dude” moments. We then get a few “middle of the album” tracks (if you know what we mean), but they bookend it with a few absolute killers to leave us wanting more. Hear that, fellas?! We want more! This O.G lineup does follow up “Malice” nicely. It has some really heartfelt, personal themes that really hit home. Sadly, it’s 16 years later and we’re 16 years older. If this exact album dropped when we were impressionable teens, it might’ve very well been our “Malice.” As we’ve seen on Reddit, this was some youngins’ first taste of the band, and they’re now going back over the discography. Lucky little bastards.
A few dummies have labeled it a “sophomore slump,” but really it’s the best possible album that could’ve been made after they had to swap one Canadian vocalist for another. What’s in the metalcore frontman waters in Canada? Maybe behind all that politeness is repressed rage to unleash on the ‘Mericans. It’s no sophomore slump. It’s a new frontman plus the band’s want to experiment a bit more than dummies may have wanted. Sit your middle-aged ass in a La-Z-boy with a neat glass of bourbon and appreciate the start-to-finish experience they want you to have! Yes, Karl had quite the task of connecting with existing fans who loved Jesse. But he brought more of a tough-guy bellow for that “hell yeah” stank face, and a whole different set of personal themes that we got behind for sure. Kicking off the album with “Face Yourself” and “The Failsafe” could send you into fucking battle. As devil’s advocate for the dummies, the very experimental midsection did lack crowd-pleasing breakdowns and anthems we were dying for at the live show. “Anchor” is a straight up banger that is honestly one of our all time favorite tracks. And the clean singing on “One Day I’ll Stay Home” is fucking sick, so back off, dummies!
Sorry. We also hate ourselves for putting the number 2 beside this album, so we’ll just nod along to the hateful comments, thinking, “Yep, you all make great hateful points, and you’re right we should jump off a bridge.” It’s a bonafide #1 on many “Best Metalcore Albums” lists, and was possibly even your gateway into metalcore. It was a perfect storm of the band’s hunger, youthful energy, love of brutally heavy music, and solidarity after a tragic event. We all marvel at the singular piece of art that is “The Year Summer Ended in June,” even though “Five Years” is our favorite Mis Sigs track. It might possibly be the best song of all time. When we heard the soft instrumental bliss of “Worlds and Dreams” smack dab in the middle of the brutality, we (and every band that followed) knew that this genre had so much more to offer. Going directly into a track called “Murder” is the perfect example that metalcore was somehow too soft and too hard for your average metalhead at the time. And these guys were only in their early 20s! Guitar virtuoso and creative force Ryan Morgan composed songs that seasoned vets can only dream of! And his younger brother Branden just happened to be a world class drummer?! An embarrassment of riches in the Morgan household. While we’re at it, Stu and Kyle are never just strumming along. Their technicality and noodlings in and around Ryan’s lead is what fills the space and sets the band apart. Jesse’s emotional maturity was second to none. He openly discusses what the rest of us would finally spew in one big trauma-dump of a therapy session in our 40s. It’s commendable.
If you think this is simply a choice of Karl over Jesse, you’re not taking the growth of four other members into consideration. What, are you all frontmen or something? There are few albums in existence where you think “well, that was clearly the single” after every fucking song. It’s anthem after anthem of heartfelt classics that you can go to war to or hug it out with a good pal to. We have a theory as to why this album is Misery Signals and the metalcore genre as a whole at its very best. Maybe they thought, “Hey gang, we can still be our progressive “Mirrors” selves on complete crowd-pleasing “Malice” type bangers!” It’s almost as if “Malice” plus “Mirrors” equals “Controller,” if that makes any sense. “A Certain Death” is a masterpiece and one of (if not the) biggest Misery Signals hits for good reason. And Karl’s singing is shockingly great. Every song has epic lyrics we all want to scream along to, crunchy time-altering riffs that keep our head-bangs guessing, and soulful “Worlds and Dreams” type noodlings that would give B.B King that guitar solo stank face. Karl’s cavernous diaphragm on top of those full-bodied instrumentals just permeates through our entire bodies. Crank it in the car… Jesus Christ. It’s such a thick, hearty, and satiating album that we feel a few pounds heavier after a full once-over. We could go on and on, but we gotta go crank it in our car on our way to finally tell off our dad.
