Everything was chill. I sat with my Grandma, knocking back a five-year-old tin of Christmas popcorn and flipping through family albums. As I admired a high school portrait of my mother, my Grandma looked over. “Always a little soft around the edges,” she remarked. Everything came flooding back – 100-calorie snack packs, the Livestrong calorie counter, all the hoarded Jenny Craig treats. Well, well, well, I thought. The source exposes itself.
It was then that I realized: These motherfuckers fucked up our moms. This all might sound harsh, but it’s not like your Grandma wasn’t thinking the same thing about her Grandma at some point. It was just a little too late…after she had already instilled a generational trauma-based victim complex in your mother so complex it surpassed victimhood entirely. Shoot!
Hey, it happens to the best of us. The transgenerational epigenetic inheritance that we all refuse to heal within ourselves is at the root of the world’s conflicts. That’s a fancy way of saying it’s possible to pass on PTSD through DNA which we know but won’t address and isn’t that just fucked up? My Grandma’s shit is thus my shit? For fucking real? And I mean that literally, lots of IBS issues are linked back to compounded trauma. Did you know that? Our trauma manifests physically? In our literal shit?
The even more unfortunate thing is that since she didn’t deal with our shared generational trauma, then I have to. Which is mostly what I’m up in arms about. Why do I have to be the one to do it? COME ON GRANDMAS, but also: I’m sorry Grandmas. Ultimately what I’m trying to say is that you are your Grandma and that time is an invention. We are simply here and that’s all we know. You know? It’s not just two things existing at once, it’s everything existing at all times infinitely.
I understand the desire to project ethereal goodness onto some old lady you see twice a year. It’s easy! But you know what’s behind that? The person who called your mom a fatty, who in turn put you on Weight Watchers at the age of nine. See how this whole thing works? It’s a VICIOUS CYCLE! I’m just saying, the next time you bite into her famous cookies, don’t forget how much you’ve spent on therapy.
Geno played for the Jets and lived to tell the tale. From his experience navigating professional sports dumpster fires, he knows better than to put himself in a precarious situation where a Jurassic Park-like dinosaur lizard could potentially mangle his hands.
Running quarterbacks are known to be fast, elusive, and adept at escaping Komodo dragon encounters in the pocket. Lamar is a sure bet to end the season with all 10 of his fingers because of his elite rushing upside. Put money on that.
Gardner comes from a long line of highly successful Komodo breeders so he knows his way around lizard mouths. Sure, his father may have lost his pinky finger in 2002 to a routine biting incident, but Gardner has learned from the mistakes of his ancestors and has had applied that to his NFL career.
Komodo dragons can reach speeds of up to 12 miles per hour in short bursts. Luckily, Anthony can do five or six times that, so most wild animals don’t stand a chance. Not even these endangered ones who can’t even get their shit together and reproduce. He’ll easily outperform Komodo-threat expectations this year.
Jared seems to have had a renaissance in Detroit. He’s even made the Lions a good football team. It is way harder to make the Detroit Lions a respectable franchise than it is to leave the Komodo dragon exhibit with all of your digits. Goff is lizard-proof.
Caleb was drafted first overall this year thanks to his elite arm, accuracy, and pocket awareness. He’s one of the best prospects since Peyton Manning, and that guy finished his career without sustaining a single apex predator attack during the season.
We all know Komodo dragons hate cold weather so they will be nowhere near Lambeau Field. If they ever figured out how to manufacture little sweaters for themselves, they would end us all individually. Thanks to the failures of evolution, Jordan is one of the safest bets against Komodo danger in the NFL this year.
Mahomes has a vested interest in keeping his fingers intact because it’s stipulated in his contract that if he were to ever lose any appendages from a wild animal encounter he would have to forfeit any guaranteed money he’s owed. That’s why you never see Patrick at zoos, pet adoption locations, or BYO Komodo dragon parties.
The biggest knock against Bryce is that he has small hands. This may not be ideal for an NFL quarterback, but it actually works tremendously in his favor during an unexpected encounter with a menacing Komodo dragon because it means his fingers will be harder to sink one’s teeth into. Bryce has a very promising reptile-precluding career ahead of him.
Josh is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. You think a 200-pound lizard can take him down? Please, he has to deal with Buffalo Bills fans on a daily basis. Komodo dragons are nothing in comparison.
Komodo dragons have been known to dig up human corpses from cemeteries and eat them. Luckily, Jalen is very much alive so he won’t have to worry about that this year. However, Jalen’s great grandparents are not safe. Someone check on their graves.
Dak has spent the entire offseason on his conditioning and practicing fending off Komodo dragons. Unfortunately, he’s been using chameleons as a stand-in. Everyone knows they’re not the same, but it’s still better than not training at all. Dak should be fine. If anything, he’ll know when a Komodo dragon changes colors, if they even do that.
The United States doesn’t have any Komodo dragons, but if they were going to magically appear somewhere, it would definitely be in Arizona. Specifically, in Glendale. This state has been preparing for this sort of invasion for decades. That’s why they do Komodo dragon drills in elementary school where they hide under their desk after they sound an alarm. This is also part of the Cardinals’ team drills, so Kyler should be prepared.
Jacoby has been on five different teams in his NFL career. If he was going to get annihilated by a humongous lizard it would have happened already and definitely when he played for the Browns.
Miami is a party city and every October they hold the Running of the Komodo Dragons where participants get the chance to run from stampeding monitor lizards. The Dolphins are known to run in the event as a team-building exercise every year, so Tua has experience averting reptilian danger. Tyreek Hill always wins though, but their backup kicker always gets torn to shreds.
Joe Burrow was actually out for much of last year due to a lingering Komodo dragon attack that resulted in him losing half of his calf muscle. These kinds of soft tissue injuries are not likely to spread to your fingers so he should be fine this year.
This self-righteous little twerp is probably too busy being all arrogant about his spoon-bending parlor tricks to pay attention to crypto. Although when asked what the value of Bitcoin is he would probably say “The truth is… there is no value.” And in this regard, he’s actually right.
A boomer who has used his privilege to rise to a high level of power and is enamored by the water filtration system of Zion without understanding how any of it works. He’s not really the type to fully grasp what crypto is and is also probably too busy forwarding an AI-generated image of Kamala Harris eating a baby he saw on Facebook to get you to invest in anything.
Even though he is The Chosen One, ol’ Copper Top over here is too confused about what is happening in his surroundings to even know what a blockchain is. Sure, he can fly and bend reality and dodge bullets but can he make any sense of the crypto market?
She’s the only one out of Morpheus’ little cybergoth social club to wear white which means she’s at least contrarian enough to not go along with the crowd. She also is the only one who has no time for Neo’s nonsense. And since crypto is all nonsense, she’s not she’s not going anywhere near it.
She’s already dealing with a reality where every action is controlled by a glitchy algorithm and doesn’t need another one promising her instant wealth. She’d probably rather jump out of a high-rise building than navigate the rollercoaster of crypto markets, where even Neo’s superpowers wouldn’t guarantee you won’t lose your shirt.
He seems to be the only one in the scorched-Earth armageddon of 2199 to find time to hit the gym. That’s not to say he wouldn’t be into crypto but short-term investment wins don’t seem like the kind of gains he’s interested in.
Just because he is able to read the Matrix and see what’s happening doesn’t mean he’d be able to understand the crypto market. He’s already knee-deep in this technological nightmare and doesn’t need another complex system to debug—especially one with more crashes than his software.
He’s got that lonely “nice guy” kind of energy that is usually attracted to crypto. But honestly, he doesn’t need wealth as a means to attract attention from the opposite sex when he probably spends all his time “jacking in” with the woman in red. Let’s just hope he cleans up those dentist chairs when he’s done.
Apoc got killed because he was spending too much time online trying to be a hero and finding others who took the red pill. He may or may not be into crypto but we bet he probably stormed the Capitol on January 6.
Hard to say if she’s into crypto or not but you should probably just go along with whatever she says otherwise her husband might just smack the shit out of you on live television.
He’s already spent enough time unplugging people from shady simulations, and he’s not about to plug you into a financial black hole. He’s seen enough dodgy code in the Matrix to know that convincing you to invest in crypto might be just another elaborate trap set by the machines.
A blue-collar tradesman with a job that gives him access to pretty much everything. Kind of like the janitor in “The Breakfast Club” he is the eyes and ears of this institution. So he doesn’t need some bullshit crytpo when he could just make a key and open up whatever you have locked up and take it. You know, like that Beanie Baby collection you keep holding onto in the hopes that it might be worth something again someday.
