Less Than Jake release new single “Broken Words”

Posted on by Jake Skudder

Less Than Jake has released new single “Broken Words,” their first original new song since their 2021 split with Kill Lincoln.

The song is now out via Pure Noise and you can check it out at the end of this article.

Less Than Jake talk new single

Speaking via a press release (from BrooklynVegan), bassist/co-vocalist Roger Lima said “It happens to me, too. I’ll try to say something, (maybe I didn’t choose the best words, but I tried), they get misinterpreted and I end up unintentionally communicating something I didn’t mean at all.

“Know that feeling? Yeah, words are totally broken sometimes.” The song’s out now via Pure Noise and you can hear it below.

Less Than Jake Tour 2024

LTJ are set to go out on tour shortly over the rest of 2024 and the dates are as follows:

6/22 – Victoria, CAN @ Victoria Ska Fest
7/5 – Hammtrack, MI @ Smalls
7/7 – Gilbert, PA @ Camp Punksylvania
7/13 – Notre-dame-du-mont-carmel, CAN @ Mont-Carmel en fête
7/20 – Manteo, NC @ Is For Lovers Festival
7/31 – Berlin, GER @ SO36
8/1 – Kostrzyn nad Orda, POL @ Pol’and’Rock Festival
8/3 – Duffel, BEL @ BrakRock Kapelstraat
8/4 – Amsterdam, NL @ Melkweg (Oude Zall)
8/5 – Nuremburg, GER @ Hirsch Vogelweiherstraße
8/7 – Tolmin, SLO @ Punk Rock Holiday
8/9 – Bildein, AUT @ Picture On Festival
8/10 – Vilmar, GER @ Tells Bells Festival
8/11 – Stuttgart, GER @ Im Wizemann STR cultural and Betriebs
8/13 – Rimini, IT @ Bay Fest Italy 2024
8/14 – Munchen, BY, GER @ Backstage Halle
8/16 – Gampel, SUI @ Open Air Gampel
8/17 – Zurich, SUI @ Dynamo
8/18 – Grosspoesna, GER @ Highfield Festival
10/5 – San Pedro, CA @ Berth 46 w/NOFX
10/11 – Tacoma, WA @ Elks Temple *
10/12 – Eugene, OR @ McDonald Theatre *
10/14 – Sacramento, CA @ Ace of Spades *
10/15 – Santa Cruz, CA @ The Catalyst *
10/16 – Ventura, CA @ Ventura Theater *
10/17 – San Diego, CA @ Observatory North Park *
10/18 – Tucson, AZ @ 191 Toole *
10/19 – Las Vegas, NV @ Fremont Country Club *
11/6 – Honolulu, HI @ Republik *
1/4-1/8 – Runaway Bay, Jamaica @ Wake n Bake Jamaica

* – Performing Hello Rockview in entirety

Read More – Bands Like Propagandhi: Who To Listen To If You Love The Punk Legends

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out because we aren’t changing any of the ‘normal’ satire content. We’re just adding an extra element to the site’s content, which you can check out if you want to.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans!

Read More: Metallica Album Covers Ranked (From Worst To Best)

Awkward! My Boss Just Tried to Kiss Me on Microsoft Teams

Posted on by Kyle Donley

My 1:1 sync with Todd was going as expected. We kicked things off by describing the weather in our respective towns and then went on to politely lie about how lowkey the weekend was. Having to explain the intricacies and politics of the children’s MMA league I referee for has never been my thing.

He was highlighting the mitigation of client-impacting risk factors as a new quantifiable KPI when I noticed that he was like, staring directly into my eyes. I’ve always been confused on how that works. Do you stare into the camera? Are you supposed to? Is that proper Teams etiquette? I was lost in thought when he suddenly said “Stop talking and smooch me” then caressed his camera, eyelids fluttering as he leaned in and made movements with his mouth that I’ve only ever seen dogs make when they eat peanut butter.

I wasn’t immediately clear on what was happening until Todd said, “We can’t do this, I’m your boss,” and then I said, “Todd, I think you’re on mute,” and then he went off mute and said, “Classic Todd! Anyways, we can’t do this I’m your boss.” The meeting ended abruptly, as Todd announced he was giving me the last 10 minutes back to stretch my legs or get a cup of water.

I’m pretty sure this was sexual harassment. Right? Or maybe it’s just weird? Is it cyber-bullying? I tried to report the kiss to our HR department in hopes of getting some clarity but they’re run by an AI chatbot now and my query was flagged as inappropriate for using the word “sexual.”

Was I somehow leading him on? I know I wasn’t staring into his eyes because I don’t know how to do that on Teams! Was it because I gave him the smiley face with sunglasses emoji on his Slack post about the Lupus Walk thing? The sunglasses make it coquettish, it’s too sexy! I’m really in a bind now too because I still have an unapproved PTO request for the Iron Child Death Match later this month in Edison, New Jersey. I already paid for my VRBO!

When I brought this up with my therapist over Zoom, he was fascinated (about the kiss that is, not the Iron Child Death Match, I don’t talk about that kind of stuff with him.) “A Microsoft Teams kiss? But It could never work. Unless…” he trailed off, seemingly on the verge of a breakthrough. But then he just had me go over the kiss again in great detail, even turning off his camera so I wouldn’t be distracted. Then when he finally came back he said, “Well this was fun,” and asked if I needed an Uber.

Dave Grohl gets Swift response following Taylor comments

Posted on by Jake Skudder

Dave Grohl has been feeling the wrath of Taylor Swift fans online after his recent comments about her not “performing live.”

Speaking at a recent Foo Fighters gig Grohl, described by many as the nicest man in rock n roll, made a comment that appeared to slate the Eras-Tour star:

“We’ve had more than a few eras, and more than a few f*cking errors as well,” he said. “Just a couple. That’s because we actually play live. Whaaaat? Just saying. We’ve a live band! You guys like raw, live rock ‘n’ roll music, right? You came to the right f*cking place” the former Nirvana drummer stated.

A number of Swift fans took this at a dig at their favourite performer, and have been going off online at Grohl.

Read More – Bands Like Propagandhi: Who To Listen To If You Love The Punk Legends

Dave Grohl gets Swift response

“Poor guy said whatever he could to get a little attention” was the response from one Taylor Swift fan account on Twitter/X.

“And Dave Grohl says she isn’t really singing. He’s just ana$$hole. FWI never got into the Foo Fighters..” said another.

If there’s three guarantees in life, it’s death, taxes and you’re gonna get a backlash if you slate Tay Tay online.

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out because we aren’t changing any of the ‘normal’ satire content. We’re just adding an extra element to the site’s content, which you can check out if you want to.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans!

Read More: Metallica Album Covers Ranked (From Worst To Best)

WYLDLIFE release new single and animated video “Fast Dreams”

Posted on by Jake Skudder

NYC punk/rock ‘n’ roll 4-piece WYLDLIFE has dropped a new single “Fast Dreams” which is the b-side to their cover of Tom Petty’s “You Don’t Know How It Feels.”

The animated video for “Fast Dreams” takes the band into an 8-bit arcade game world, and vocalist Dave Feldman recently discussed how it came together.

“We have already conquered every other music video format in our tenure as musicians. So it was time to go animated. We’re already animated guys by nature.

Read More – Best Propagandhi Songs: Epic Tracks from the Canadian Legends

WYLDLIFE release new single and animated video

“Surface level, the song is about partying just before bed time” Feldman added. “But more-so, it’s a point of advice to keep dreaming, whether you want to better your life, travel to space, or just be a mid-30s semi-secret rock icon.

You can check out the video for their new track below or directly from their YouTube channel.

Read More – Bands Like Propagandhi: Who To Listen To If You Love The Punk Legends

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out because we aren’t changing any of the ‘normal’ satire content. We’re just adding an extra element to the site’s content, which you can check out if you want to.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans!

Read More: Metallica Album Covers Ranked (From Worst To Best)

Man Who Ate Roommate’s Leftovers Sentenced to Two Years In Federal Prison

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

PHOENIX, Ariz. — An Arizona judge recently sentenced a man who ate his roommate’s leftovers to two years in federal prison in a monumental case that has vindicated victims of meal theft across the country.

“It’s such a relief to know this man is behind bars, far away from my Panda Express,” said Rory Avila, the roommate whose leftovers were wrongfully devoured in the highly publicized case. “I met him on Craigslist—I know, red flag, but I was desperate. It started innocently enough, with him taking sneaky little bites of my takeout, but progressed to straight up jacking the orange chicken out of my two-item combo, and finally to swiping entire dishes. Do you know the feeling of dreaming about your leftovers all day, only to come home to your egg rolls gone without a trace? That will inspire you to punch a hole through the wall and never get your deposit back.”

Convicted leftover food thief, Josh Cleary, is determined to prove his innocence in the case, and for all those facing charges in domestic provisions theft cases.

“I’ve been painted as a monster, but I’m a nice guy who made a mistake. I just had the munchies,” said Cleary from behind plexiglass. “Rory’s leftovers were unmarked in a community fridge, which meant they were up for grabs. At least, that’s how it works in office settings and at my buddy’s houses. Even if he did write his name on it, they usually just sit there going bad anyway. That’s so wasteful. Maybe I was gonna give it to a hungry, unhoused person—you don’t know! This is like 1940s Berlin, fascistic and infringing on my right to slither into the kitchen while Rory isn’t looking and eat his Dan Dan noodles.”

Judge Georgia Deblis says this is one of the most heinous crimes she’s ever seen, including murders.

“I’m sick of this deviant behavior going unpunished, and I’m here to change that, starting with Mr. Cleary,” said Deblis. “This man shows no remorse or sympathy for Mr. Avila, and I won’t idly stand by to see another life ruined by unethical snackers. I, myself, am a victim of leftover theft, and have not been able to serve justice until now. Two years in a federal prison seems like a fair punishment to me. Once he serves his sentence, he will be exiled to the countryside. He’ll do well learning how to live off the land and forage for his meals, something he should be used to doing.”

When released from state custody, Mr. Clearly will not be allowed within 500 feet of anyone’s leftovers.

Six Songs We’d Be Listening to This Week If Our Headphones Hadn’t Melted In The Heat Dome

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Hot enough for you? If you answered ‘no,’ that’s probably good because devastating heat waves aren’t going to get better anytime soon. Climate catastrophes aside, you’re still probably looking for new music to distract you from the increasingly terrifying state of the planet, and we’ve got the goods. Here are six songs to play immediately if your electricity and internet are still somehow working.

Been Stellar “Start Again”

New York City transplants, Been Stellar, have been slowly building a healthy and impressive buzz since their formation nearly a decade ago. Now, they have finally released their debut LP ‘Scream From New York, NY.’ It absolutely rips and plays out like a love letter to the entire history of East Coast post-punk while ushering in a new wave of its own. Cancel all your plans before putting this one on. Album opener ‘Start Again’ will immediately draw you in, and even with your horrible attention span, you’ll have a hard time not listening all the way through to the end of the record.

Laura Jane Grace and The Mississippi Medicals ‘All Fucked Out’

Mere months after releasing her excellent album ‘Hole In My Head,’ is back with a new single featuring – by our count – her 8,000th band The Mississippi Medicals (Mike Patton, Mikey Erg, and Paris Campbell Grace). ‘All Fucked Out’ plays out like a countrified circus tune, making the underlying themes of extreme apathy sound like something to celebrate rather than lament. Reportedly, the single is part of an unannounced EP, proving Grace isn’t as ‘Fucked Out’ as she would lead you to believe.

Ghost ‘The Future Is A Foreign Land’

We’ve made a lot of jokes at the expense of Ghost over the years. Our therapist thinks it might have something to do with our general fear of joy, fun and dancing. We still haven’t met our deductible and the co-pay is expensive as hell, so it will be a while before we figure out if that’s true. Their new single ‘The Future Is A Foreign Land’ with its ‘60s spy movie vibes and catchy as hell riffs definitely lends credence to Dr. Morrow’s theory, though. We’ll get back to you after we ‘ironically’ listen to it a few dozen more times.

Crack Cloud “The Medium”

While we’re on the topic of mental health, Canada’s multimedia collective Crack Cloud just announced their third album ‘Red Mile,’ which is due out next month. For those who don’t know, Crack Cloud was formed as a sort of pseudo-rehab, with members meeting via addiction recovery communities. The spirit of healing permeates their often explosive discography. Their latest single ‘The Medium’ is no exception, combining elements of ‘70s punk, modern synth rock, and immediate lyricism to form an absolutely triumphant sound.

King Krule ‘Time For Slurp’

Last year, UK songwriter and producer Archy Marshall released his fourth album ‘Space Heavy’ under his moniker King Krule. He also released a handful of tracks that, until now, were exclusively sold on flexi-discs for attendees of that album’s tour. Though it was initially stated that the aforementioned songs were never to be released, they have now been condensed into a single EP entitled ‘SHHHHHHH!.’ There’s not a dud in the bunch and we’ve never been happier to call someone a total fucking liar in our lives.

Foreign Hands ‘Shapeless In the Dark’

You may have been wondering why you had to cut your 34-year-old friend out of a youth medium tee earlier this week. It might have something to do with the fact that Foreign Hands dropped their debut album ‘What’s Left Unsaid.’ Fans of 2000s era metalcore have a lot to celebrate this release. The drums are tight as hell, the guitars do that ‘chugga chugga’ thing, the vocals are clear but edgy, and the bass is… definitely doing something metalcore-ish we think. Lest you think of the band as a tribute to a bygone era, album highlight ‘Shapeless In the Dark’ proves the outfit is also pushing the genre forward into the modern era.

Now that we’ve told you some new things to listen to, you should be ready to face the world with a fresh new attitude and a sense of hope you haven’t felt in years. To double down and make sure the message sticks, however, we’ve compiled all these tracks and more into an ever-growing playlist. Click here to like, listen, and practice even more avoidance.

10 Ways To Treat Yourself After Nailing a Basic Social Interaction

Posted on by John Adkins

BIG CONGRATS. Against literally all odds, YOU, a fully-grown adult, managed to pull off a basic social interaction with a stranger. You didn’t stutter, you didn’t make weird eye contact, hell, you didn’t even say, “you too” when the cashier told you to enjoy your food like you usually do! Instead, you somehow managed to not be a total fucking social disaster.

You nailed the shit out of that brief interaction with a stranger, and you know what, you’re right, you deserve a little reward! Here are ten reasonable ways to treat yourself after CRUSHING the absolute bare minimum!

Take A Nap Without Setting an Alarm

We know you’re ALL about the “15-minute power nap” *throws up* but this is a celebration, dammit! You deserve to take the kind of nap that makes you lose all sense of space and time. So don’t bother setting that alarm—nap freely!

Buy A Stupidly Expensive Coffee

You know the one. That 7-dollar cold brew with an extra shot, two half pumps of bee pollen and a skinny mascarpone macchiato cold foam. Oh it’s 11 DOLLARS? Who gives a fuck? Not you!

Scroll Endlessly on Socials

We know you’ll probably do this anyway, but you might as well carve out some time (and by “some time” we mean at LEAST four hours) to watch some Reels or Tik-Toks or Snapchats or whatever the fuck the kids are doing these days. LET LOOSE! ROT THAT BRAIN!

Crack Open a Cold One At Your Desk

Who cares if it’s 9am on a Tuesday? Kick back and suck down a couple of brewskis. And be sure to share one with Tina from HR. She’s seems chill!

Eat a Metric Fuck-Ton of Ice Cream

We’re not therapists by any means, but we’re pretty sure that the greatest act of self-compassion is horkin’ down a pint of ice cream. So grab a spoon and get to work! Hell YES the one with all the candy in it, this isn’t amateur hour!

Call Everyone You Know and Try to Win Some Lasting Good Graces From Your Friends

While we fully subscribe to “quit while you’re ahead,” philosophy, there’s the .001 percent chance that you’re on a hot streak. In that case, ya might as well try to call everyone in your life to remind them that you’re capable of having a completely and totally normal interaction. And who knows! They might even think you’re charming!

Skip that Charity Event That You Should Really Go To But Like Also Maybe Don’t Have To

You’ve already blessed a stranger’s day by not being a total social disaster. And in our book, that’s enough charity for the year. FUCK THE ALBINO WHALES!

Start a Mosh Pit at Trader Joe’s

It took a lot of discipline to nail that social interaction, so why not let loose in a grocery store? If they have a problem with it, they shouldn’t have made their employees where those party-time aloha shirts! Let the GROUP CATHARSIS begin!!

Buy 100 Cameos from Henry Winkler

There are two outcomes for this one and they both rock. Option 1: You’ll be blessed with 100 compliments from one of the kindest men on earth. Option 2: He’ll jump to the totally and completely logical conclusion that instead of recording 100 cameos, he can save a lot of time by becoming your best friend. Either way, Henry Winkler will be telling you what a great job you did. And you DID do a great job!

Spend the Rest of Your Day Flushing Your Meds and Doing Whippits

Or week, whatever. Social interactions are normally very hard for you!

Instagram Apologizes for Bug That Briefly Allowed Users’ Posts to be Viewed by Their Followers

Posted on by Tim Graham

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Instagram’s PR team apologized recently after a glitch temporarily restored the app to something resembling what it used to be when a user’s posts were consistently viewed by their followers, according to doomscrolling sources.

“We want to apologize to everyone who was impacted by seeing their friends on our platform,” said Meta spokesperson Eileen Fudge. “The problem was related to a bug in an update, which accidentally rolled our algorithm back to a version from about five years ago. As a result, there was a brief period of time when users were seeing increased engagement with friends and followers. Some reported experiencing a significant reduction in ads and an influx of likes, which may have been confusing or even alarming to regular Instagram users. Rest assured, the problem has now been resolved.”

Instagram user Shelley Bonelli was thrilled to see the app behaving as it once did.

“The ‘gram used to be a great platform for posting my artwork and keeping in touch with my friends,” said Bonelli while desperately refreshing her notifications. “But at some point, all the likes and comments just dried up. It was like no one was seeing my posts, and I was only seeing suggested posts from terrible open mic comedians. So when this ‘error’ occurred, I was really excited. Suddenly, my followers were liking my posts and I was getting all kinds of nice comments on my art. I even sold a couple of pieces in that brief window. But then they ‘fixed’ it, and everything went back to being shit again, making me question why I bother using this fucking garbage app at all anymore.”

UX designer Brandon Bryce says the lack of engagement on Meta’s apps is a feature, not a bug.

“The way Instagram essentially shadowbans the majority of users is intentional,” said Bryce. “Their algorithm is carefully tuned to maximize the time users spend scrolling. Their analysts determined that frustrating the user results in more time spent on the app—and more time viewing ads—than if users are satisfied. Remember in ‘The Matrix’ when The Architect tells Neo that the first virtual world the robots created was a utopia, but the people rejected it? It works sort of like that. The data doesn’t lie: People hate getting what they want.”

At press time, Meta apologized for another recent gaff that resulted in a dramatic decrease in the far-right propaganda which ordinarily fills up Facebook users’ feeds.

Want a Free Vinyl from the Hard Times Merch Store? Here’s Our Tutorial on How to Open a Credit Card in Someone Else’s Name

Posted on by Jack Humphrey

Everything is getting more and more expensive these days. Retailers like Target and Walmart recently admitted they are price gouging all of us. As a fuck you to those greedy corporate fat cats, we at The Hard Times we wanted to give you all the opportunity to get a free vinyl record from our Hard Times Shoppe.

Now we can’t just give you a free vinyl, that would rob you of the satisfaction of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and earning one yourself. My grandfather had a saying, “Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man wire fraud, you give him the opportunity to buy a limited edition orange vinyl of Ceremony’s Rohnert Park LP at no cost to themselves.” In honor of this sage advice, here are our tips to open a credit card in someone else’s name.

Step 1: Dumpster Dive to Find Credit Card Offers Sent to Your Neighbors

The easiest way to get a credit card opened in someone else’s name is to find the offers people are sent in the mail. Go to the dumpster behind your apartment and start digging. You think you just saw the guy with the Chevy Camaro throw away his trash and that piece of shit keeps doing burnouts out of your parking lot at 2 a.m., so he has it coming.

Step 2: Ponder the Grim Implications of the Oppressive Economic Systems Put in Place to Keep Those in Power Thriving

Ok so you dug through your apartment’s dumpster and all you found were overdue bills and evidence that your neighbors have as many maxed credit cards as you. You did find the Camaro Guy’s mail and found he is in a pretty contentious custody battle and is likely using the early morning burnouts as a coping mechanism. Before you formulate your next plan of attack, take a moment to reflect on the structure of the economic systems of our society and how those systems are put in place to allow people that are already thriving to continue to thrive at the expense of those with lower economic status.

Step 3: Dig Mailboxes in a Nearby Affluent Suburb to Find Better Credit Card Offers

After a short period of reflection on our economic system, you decide that you aren’t going to let the bourgeoisie bastards get away with it. You’re going to the suburb near you that pays to be on a “Top 10 Places to Live” list put on by an online magazine and find credit card offers there. You’re not just doing this for a free vinyl anymore, you’re doing this for you and all your neighbors forced to barely scrape by.

Step 4: Bail Yourself Out of Jail

Yeah so the police in the suburb you picked clocked you almost immediately after you passed the “Welcome to Carmel, Indiana” sign. You didn’t even make it to a mailbox and they arrested you for “disorderly conduct,” whatever the fuck that means, and you have to call a friend to bail you out. Thanks to the bail costs, you are down $200 from when you started, which means you need a free vinyl more than ever. Keep going, now is not the time to quit.

Step 5: Regroup by Watching “Catch Me If You Can” Starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks

You need some inspiration, so you decide to watch Catch Me if You Can with the buddy that bailed you out. You didn’t find any meaningful ideas since the movie takes place in the ‘60s and ‘70s and identity theft safeguards have changed since then, but it’s a solid flick.

Step 6: Just Use Gene Simmons’s Information

If all the steps above fail for you, feel free to use Gene Simmons’s information that we got by posing as someone looking to license the KISS brand for a mobile game or some shit like that.

Name: Chaim Witz
Address: 1234 Coral Canyon Rd. Malibu, California
Social Security Number: 666-16-5678
Security Question: Name of First Pet?
Answer: Peter Criss

Congratulations, you now have the skills to open a credit card in someone else’s name. Take time to scroll through the Hard Times Shoppe and spend to your heart’s content, you’ve earned it.

Punk Who Wears Too Little Clothing in Winter Excited to Now Wear Too Much In Summer

Posted on by Matthew Schneeman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Bobby Anderson, who spent the winter underdressed, is excited to spend the summer wearing way more clothes than anyone would deem necessary, sources close to the sweaty man confirmed.

“It’s not like I don’t wear warm clothes in the winter. My pants have holes in them, but I’m not gonna support the fast fashion industry by buying more plastic garbage. And my vest is mostly patches so it’s like, thick, you know? I’m not an idiot,” said Anderson while layering a leather jacket over a vest and longsleeve shirt on an 89-degree day. “I’ll be honest, there really is no difference between my winter gear and my summer gear anyway. I only have like 10 pieces of clothes and the closest they get to being clean is when it rains really hard. Besides, the problem is global warming. I’m not gonna adapt to this apocalypse. Me getting too hot this summer is like a protest.”

Rochelle Anderson, Bobby’s sister, is not looking forward to another summer in close proximity to her sibling.

“He doesn’t have a car so I’ll give him rides to our parents’ house for holidays and dinners and all winter long he jumps in and says ‘F*** it’s cold’ and will, like, hit the dashboard as if that’ll make the heater work better,” said the older sister. “Then in the summer it’s the same thing and he’s like ‘F*** it’s hot’ and then rolls down the window even though the air conditioner is on, but now he stinks like the dumpster behind Red Lobster and his sweat soaks into my car seat and I have to pay a detailer to get it cleaned.”

Emergency room nurse Laura Synder says there is an uptick in dehydration and heat stroke among the punk-rock community disproportional to the general population every summer.

“The first heat wave is like punk spring break and these kids come rolling in. Punk fashion used to be more baggy but now it’s skinny jeans and everything is dark colors. Patches, tights with shorts over them,” said Snyder. “The goths come in too, but they seem to spend more time indoors so we don’t see as many of them. What makes things worse is, they’re all dehydrated. I guess it became a thing to remind people to drink water on Instagram and now they’re thinking drinking water is supporting Mark Zuckerberg or something.”

At press time, Anderson was being admitted to a local hospital due to his sweaty feet causing a case of trench foot far worse than anything soldiers in World War 1 dealt with.