Transformers Ranked by How Likely They’ll Transform Into a Cybertruck

Posted on by Dan Rice

A lot of the Transformers we know and love have changed over the years. Some of those changes make sense, like cosmetic updates to their disguised vehicle forms to help them blend in. Other changes make no sense, like how a bunch of them became racist caricatures for the Michael Bay movies.

Since the Cybertruck is basically the Michael Bay movie of cars, it seems likely that for better or worse one of our favorite Autobots or Decepticons will become one, but who? We’ve ranked all the fan-favorite robots in disguise to determine which one is most likely to take part in the most nauseating cross-promotion of all time.

30. Jazz

Of all the Autobots, Jazz loved human culture the most. The key word there is “culture,” not a word that comes to mind when looking at a car that resembles PS1 graphics come to life. To quote the man himself “Do it with style or don’t bother doing it.” While Jazz the Robot is canonically deceased and voice actor Scattman Crothers is for real deceased, we doubt the Cybertruck would meet either one’s definition of “style.”

29. Arcee

While Elon Musk undoubtedly applauds Arcee for introducing gender to the cybertronian race, there’s no way in hell he’s going to let his car be a girl.

28. Optimus Prime

“Autobots, it looks like it might rain today, activate wash mode so you don’t permanently shut down and roll out!” See, that just doesn’t seem like something a leader would say. Or, like, how a car should work. Besides, he’s already died once before, the last thing Optimus needs is an accelerator that sticks.

27. Hound

Hound loves the earth more than any transformer, preferring it to his home world of Cybertron. He secretly desires to become human. The only thing less human than a Cybertruck would be Elon Musk himself, so he’s a hard pass.

26. Wheeljack

Wheeljack is the Autobot’s chief scientist, inventor, and weapons designer, and the most proficient driver in car mode. He wouldn’t be caught dead as a Cybertruck, but he does love watching the clip of its bulletproof glass shattering to lift his spirit whenever he feels fucking dumb.

25. Bumblebee

He’s the cutest transformer, and he knows it. Bumblebee is extremely aware of his personal brand and wouldn’t be caught dead associating with Musk, it just wouldn’t bode well with his demo. The last the Bee needs is another Shia in his life.

24. Ultra Magnus

Ultra Magnus is a dedicated soldier who rose to become 2nd in command of the Autobots. He was briefly the leader, but, recognizing his own shortcomings in that role, voluntarily passed the matrix of leadership down to Hot Rod. His selflessness, self-awareness, and willingness to sacrifice his own gain for the greater good are completely antithetical to all things Elon.

23. Omega Supreme

Omega Supreme was actually the original name of the Cybertruck before the Tesla board talked Musk out of it. Anyway, he’ll stick to being a badass truck with rocket launchers please, and thank you.

22. Hot Rod

Initially a souped-up sports car, Hot Rod became Rodimus Prime after succeeding Optimus as leader of the Autobots and assumed the car form of a futuristic truck. But like, a real futuristic truck, not an embarrassing behemoth that can’t even get windshield wipers right. He’s all set.

21. Soundwave

This dude is still rocking cassette tapes, so it’s unlikely he’s got enough tech-bro in him to become a Cybertruck.

20. Ratchet

Ratchet is the chief medical officer of the Autobots, meaning it’s extremely important that he gets to where he needs to be as quickly as possible. He doesn’t have time to be getting recalled every two months because it turns out his door handle stabs people or some shit.

19. Grimlock

He’s the leader of the Dinobots who, like Elon Musk, struggles with pronouns due to a lack of processing power. Though his current disguise form is that of a tyrannosaurus rex, Grimlock doesn’t want to become a Cybertruck for fear that it will make him stick out too much.

18. Sideswipe

No way. Sideswipe already has a sweet jetpack and can travel to space. Sure, Elon Musk can do that too, but Sideswipe can also land without exploding.

17. Ironhide

Ironhide is known for his strength and resiliance, so he’s unlikely to transform into a vehicle with bulletproof glass that a baseball can somehow shatter.

16. Brawl

Brawl already is the tank that sad-sack Cybertruck drivers like to pretend their car is.

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Drake Pretty Sure He Has an In at Trader Joe’s Until He Can Get Back on His Feet

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — Alleged pedophile and formerly popular rapper Drake hopes a friend can get him hired at Trader Joe’s until the fallout of his highly publicized beef with Kendrick Lamar blows over, report the last remaining sources from within the Drake camp.

“People are gonna forget about this whole thing by winter, it’s no big deal. I figure I can just pick up a few shifts and get health insurance until I release my next album,” said Drake, who has been rumored to have asked Vanilla Ice for a feature or two. “I got a friend from back in my Degrassi era who works there and it looks pretty fun according to his Insta. I’m sure he’ll text me back any day now and I’ll shoot over a resume, which is just a photo of my awards. Oh, man. Should I change that and make a real one?”

An employee at a Los Angeles Trader Joe’s offered advice on aspiring actors and musicians who attempt to bolster their financial situation until they “make it.”

“I’ve seen it a million times–some hotshot comes in and thinks they are just gonna work for the summer until they get a record deal. Then suddenly four years pass before the blink of an eye,” recounted Renee Kaine, longtime manager of the Sunset Strip Trader Joe’s and its in-house polycule. “I don’t know who this Drake guy is, but I hope he’s ready to stock some shelves. I put my employees to work! And I swear if he tries to get any customers to check out his SoundCloud, his ass is kicked to the curb.”

Fellow rappers expressed sympathy and consolation for Drake’s difficult situation.

“I let him sleep on my couch for two nights, but he thought it was turning into a long-term thing so I had to kick him the fuck out,” said Future, who is suing Drake for being the weak link on their collaboration “What a Time to Be Alive.” “I took pity on him at first, but at a certain point you gotta take a long look in the mirror, take an unsafe dosage of percocet, and turn things around yourself. Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, get a job or something.”

At press time, reports indicate that someone strongly resembling Drake was seen passing out CD-R mixtapes near the Santa Monica pier.

I Was Legally Dead for Five Minutes and All I Saw Was a Little Man Dancing To Cool Jazz in a Weird Red Room

Posted on by Jay Leon Feder

A month ago today, I was hit by a minivan in a Golden Corral parking lot. A tunnel of white light enveloped me with a warm puppy-like comfort. I didn’t plan to die that day, but I respect God’s plan for me. The light grew brighter and warmer before it shattered like one of those dang hippie lava lamps and I felt my body become solid again.

I opened my eyes and found myself in a room. Now this wasn’t just any room; red curtains surrounded the premises, three leather easy chairs, a few lamps, and a naked statue of the homeliest woman I ever saw. This was heaven?

I sat on one of the easy chairs and waited for what couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, but it felt like several years. I heard the footsteps of what sounded like a child, but in danced this tiny man.

“Excuse me, sir, where’s Saint Peter?” I asked.

He smiled and in the oddest backward voice said, “I am the arm of Saint Peter. He had the strangest voice, like he was speaking backward but I understood him?

He snapped his finger and some gosh darn beatnik jazz music played.

“Let’s rock.” He snapped again and I lost control over my body. Please don’t tell my wife, but I danced with this strange little man. Was this what death is? I wasn’t sure until we sat back down and he said, “Hold out your hands”.

“Garbonzia”, he said. Then, a creamed corn-like sludge fell from above into my hands and he ate it out of my hands like a goat in a petting zoo.

Things got a bit spooky when a gaunt, stringy man with long, grey hair crawled from underneath the curtain and leaped onto me. He screamed and nibbled on my ear with a little too much pressure.

Again, please don’t tell my wife about this, she’ll insist I go to therapy again.

I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but then a giant kraut the height of two Larry Birds rubbed my shoulder and told me, “See you again in twenty-five years.”

I woke up in the ICU and learned I was legally dead for five minutes. For years, when anyone asked about my near-death experience, I just told them about the warm white light; I couldn’t bear to ruin folks’ preconceived notions about hell.

Smashing Pumpkins Fan Furious Smashing Pumpkins Released a Good Album in 2024

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Longtime fans of The Smashing Pumpkins are reportedly shocked and infuriated that the band’s latest release, “Aghori Mhori Mei,” is actually pretty darn good, enraged sources confirm.

“I had resigned myself to making fun of Billy Corgan for the rest of my life. I mean, as a lifelong fan of the band it’s been my solemn duty to mock him for decades now. I never expected to hear something decent from them again, let alone something that takes me back to the glory days,” Tom Wilkins, 42, lamented, after angrily buying the album on vinyl. “I was ready to tear into this shit on the Smashing Pumpkins subreddit. But then I played ‘Pentagrams’ and ‘Sighommi,’ and I… I like it, like really like it. And my god, that pisses me off.”

The confusion among fans hasn’t gone unnoticed by frontman Billy Corgan, who, in a rare moment of self-awareness, issued a formal apology to his supporters.

“I’m truly sorry for this album. I really don’t know what came over me. I know you’ve come to expect a certain level of mediocrity from our work, and I’ve let you down,” Corgan stated during a press conference. “From here on out, I’ll stick to what I do best: wrestling, and maybe releasing a double album of ambient noise. Rest assured, our next project will be so banal and inscrutable, even I won’t understand it. I’ve learned my lesson and it won’t happen again.”

University of Chicago Music Historian Dr. Alice DeLuca weighed in on this type of emotional reaction from fans.

“Historically, bands that achieve massive success in their early years tend to decline steeply, and their newer music is, at best, ignored by their fanbase and, at worst, lambasted by them,” Dr. DeLuca explained. “The fact that Smashing Pumpkins managed to pull off a solid album in 2024 is unsettling for many. It disrupts the natural order, where we expect nothing but mediocrity and nostalgia-fueled disappointment from aging rock stars.”

To restore balance to the universe, Corgan quickly announced his latest project: a spoken-word album of improvised poetry set to the sound of trains passing in the distance.

Back to School: Ranking the Best Horror Movies To Give Students the Vigilance They’ll Need To Survive

Posted on by Dan Rice

There’s never been a more dangerous time to be a young American. School shootings have been steadily on the rise in this country, and shooters are catching wise to the fact that schools “sit under your desk and wait for the police to not show up” policy doesn’t slow them down the way we thought it would.

Literal bullets aren’t the only bullets kids need to dodge these days. There’s abusive faculty to contend with, rampant crackpot educational reform, dwindling resources for public schools, and of course Florida, where we’re pretty sure an orangutan can become a principal if it can prove it supported Trump.

Fear not boys and ghouls, The Hard Times has a curriculum way more useful than any bullshit mandatory U.S. history and bible studies class that’s going to be rammed down your throat this year. We’ve compiled a list of the top 40 horror movies set at schools that will not only entertain you while you and your friends discover pot, but they’ll also help instill the constant vigilance today’s children all need to survive!

40. Fear Street Part One: 1994 (2021)

Aside from teaching you about the horrors of class disparity, which by 7th grade you should already be well versed in, this movie has nothing to offer. Did R.L. Stine even go to high school? Some of these kids are addicted to drugs. What drugs, you ask? Just drugs, nameless assorted drugs of all different shapes and bright colors that they eat by the handful. The movie doesn’t even have a “Don’t do drugs” message, they’re just there to show you that this is a serious adult movie from the guy who wrote all the “Goosebumps” books. You can skip this lesson.

39. Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986)

We’ve seen this movie a dozen times and still have no idea what the plot is. Don’t smoke radioactive weed? You probably weren’t going to but like, okay, good, DON’T.

38. Dance of the Dead (2008)

The terrible script and cheap production values of an early ’00s Disney-made-for-TV movie lull you into a false sense of security and then BAM, hardcore gore! While its bizarre tonal shift may help kids come to terms with the fact that they are quickly leaving childhood behind and entering the adult world, it ranks low by portraying the weirdo right-wing militant gym teacher as a hero. In real life that dude will not have your back no matter what’s going on.

37. Twilight (2008)

Not really a horror movie, not really a good movie, but at least it drives home an important message. If you’re a high school student, never be afraid to ask a dude “Wait, how old are you?”

36. Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (1992)

Not really a lesson to be learned from this one, or even a plot really, even by David Lynch standards. You wanna be one of the kids who watches it though.

35. I Was a Teenage Zombie (1987)

This movie will prepare high school freshmen for a horror they are sure to face at least once in the next four years: at some point, you are going to be encouraged to do a video project. You and your friends will get all excited, you’ll think you’re all being so funny, and then you get to the editing and realize just how hard it is to make a movie. It will be a disaster, the acting will be cringe, and some of it will be so problematic that you’ll need to scrub every copy if you ever want to run for office, but at the end of the day, it looks like everyone in this movie had fun doing it and so will you, so we rank it low.

34. Happy Death Day (2017)

Two important lessons here, number one: plagiarism works! You can take someone else’s original, fully formed idea, say “Groundhog Day,” do it incredibly worse, and people will say “This is actually kind of smart and good.” Second lesson: School is, for the most part, a seemingly endless repetitive nightmare. Good luck.

33. Teen Wolf” (1985)

If you turn out to be a werewolf, and transforming into said werewolf makes you popular and good at sports, fuck that, just be yourself. That is the lesson of the movie “Teen Wolf,” and it’s not terribly useful to most of you, but there’s gotta be at least one kid out there going through “The change” (into a wolf specifically) that needs to hear it.

32. Cherry Falls (1999)

It’s your typical high school slasher movie with a twist—the killer only targets virgins! Not a whole lot to learn here but we guess it’s sort of good for kids to know that you don’t need genre literacy or more than one idea to make a whole movie.

31. Chronicle (2012)

This high school set found footage horror/superhero mashup teaches a timeless lesson—absolute power corrupts absolutely. Especially if that power is given to some freakin nerd. Look at Elon Musk.

30. Black Christmas (1974)

The phenomenon of people living inside the walls and attics of stranger’s homes has been on the rise in recent years, or at least getting more attention on the internet. If you’re going to secretly live in someone’s house, doesn’t an off-campus dorm make the most sense? Strangers are already in and out of there all the time, keeping weird hours, people coming and going all hours of the night, you probably don’t even need to hide really just act like you know someone and whoever spots you in the kitchen will just shrug. If you’re living with a bunch of students maybe screen this movie and try to pitch some sort of safety rules.

29. Monster Squad (1987)

Extracurricular clubs are a great way to find your tribe, and while the after-school anime club is unlikely to save your small town from Dracula, you’ll watch cool stuff and meet people who may be your friends for years to come. Plus if your shitty town ever is invaded by say a tentacle monster or an evil wizard in a school uniform or whatever, you’ll be the first kids they call.

28. Jennifer’s Body (1999)

This movie is a crash course for two of the biggest obstacles high school students will face, toxic friendships and really contrived dialogue.

27. Ma (2019)

The sooner you learn the cool older person who buys you beer and, hey, even lets you drink it at their house, maybe ISN’T that cool, the better off you will be.

26. Urban Legend (1998)

Any given high school has a ton of local legends. A lot of them are bullshit ghost stories like “Yeah, some kid killed himself in the hall C bathroom and now there’s a ghost in there!” Some of them, however, like “The volleyball coach gets kinda handsy,” you’re going to want to pay attention to.

25. Disturbing Behavior (1998)

A poignant film with a lot of social commentary, but the main takeaway is that no matter what they do to mold you, condition you, and brainwash you into becoming a model American citizen, you’re going to get horny and become a monster and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it.

24. Once Bitten (1985)

Fellas, if you’re a high school student who’s never gotten laid and some rich smokeshow lady is dead set on taking your virginity, she is at best dangerously unstable and at worst a vampire queen who wants to feast on you to retain her eternal youth. Either way, it won’t end well.

23. Class of 1984 (1982)

You wanna know the scariest thing about high school? Look in the mirror pal! That’s right it’s YOU! You with your GANGS, you with your prostitution drug cartels you run out of the basement at punk clubs, you with your random acts of violence and murder, despite your genius level intellect and piano prodigy skills, you are the FUTURE! WAKE UP CONSERVATIVE AMERICA!!!

22. The Craft (1996)

If you’re about to go into high school and you already read The Hard Times, chances are pretty high you’re going to make some witchy friends, and that’s great. Just be on watch because every witchy clique has one member who wants to take things a little too far. Talking about cursing the math teacher is all well and good but once you see actual blood, even if it is just from a chicken, it’s time to stop hanging out with Tabitha.

21. Scream (1996)

When you’re a high school student, can you ever really trust anyone? As “Scream” will teach you, categorically no. There is danger around every corner, everyone is a suspect, and a ton of people want to take your virginity for reasons that are varying levels of nefarious. At least in movies, there are rules. Good luck kids!

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Singer Really Showing Off That He Knows All the Words

Posted on by Jeff Bender

ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Troy Floor, lead singer of the band Surfside, was apparently really showing off that he knew all the words to his songs at the Stone Pony Saturday last night, offended sources reported.

“He’s totally alienating us right now. Look at him hogging the mic—and then shoving it in our faces that he knows ALL the words—and we don’t. It’s like, ‘Hello? What about us? Don’t we matter?’” said Stone Pony first-timer Ricky Karsinky, as the band launched into another song. “Here we go again. We get it, dude. You know the song. You know the little tricky vocal parts. What’d you, go to your own Spotify page and memorize this stuff before going on? Sad. I think they should hand out lyric books at the door, like at church, and let people take turns at the mic. Otherwise, they’re just showboating.”

A nonplussed Surfside frontman defended his choice to act as the venue’s lone vocalist for the night.

“Wait, am I missing something here? Didn’t I suffer for these songs? Didn’t I write the lyrics? I went to Julliard. I studied with Josh Groban or rather watched some clips of him on YouTube. I changed my name from Brenner Hethrington to Troy Floor. Shouldn’t I get to sing?” said the frontman between sets. “This goes all the way back to Sappho, man. You write the words, you get to sing the song. You don’t see Harry Connick, Jr. or Michael Bublé letting the crowd get up there and sing. And Surfside is pretty close to Bublé certain nights—depending on the crowd, of course.”

Bublé expressed empathy for Karsinky and concertgoers everywhere who come to a show expecting to participate.

“It’s important sometimes, you know, to let the crowd have a whack. It makes them feel seen, like they didn’t just pay money to watch some guy sing. When I do ‘Jingle Bells,’ for example, I pretend like I’ve forgotten the ‘ha ha ha’ part or the ‘oh!’ part, and I let them have at it,” said the five-time Grammy winner. “I say, ‘Now just the people on the left,’ you know, or ‘Now the people in the back.’ That way it’s not like I’m some know-it-all who’s showing off that he knows how to do the song. You never want to look like you know the songs more than an audience when you’re on stage.”

At press time, Karsinky was seen badgering the merch guy to let him sell some hats.

How To Make a New Friend and Then Instantly Regret It When They Try To Sell You the Socialist Alternative Newspaper

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Making new friends as an adult can be challenging. But fear not, good reader—here are our tried-and-true tips for how to make a brand new friend totally organically, only to be filled with instant and searing regret when you realize they’re trying to sell you the fucking Socialist Alternative newspaper.

Chat up that attractive punk with a Carhartt beanie
Ok, play it cool. You’re at the bar and there’s someone super good-looking but like, in a normal way, not too intimidating. Try to comment on their beanie, or the fact that they have a Cursive’s Domestica shirt on and ignore the potential that they just got divorced.

And honestly, let’s not even bring romance into it! Just talk about some upcoming shows and see if they want to chill sometime. You’re doing great.

Hang out exactly once
Awesome, you’ve got their number and you’re texting like wildfire. It’s time to meet up at some highly overpriced brewery and awkwardly talk about three bands for half an hour.

Realize they’re trying to sell you a fucking newspaper in 2024
Kinda weird but like, they keep asking if you’re free on certain nights of the week to go to “some meetings.” At first, you thought it might be AA or something, no judgment, but now they want to know about your political leanings. And then they’re pulling out a stack of papers from their backpack…

Son of a bitch, they’re trying to sell you the goddamned Socialist Alternative newspaper. This is bad. Skip out on the tab and say you’re too broke to pitch in. Run like hell.

Never speak to them again
This step might be hard, but you can never see this person again. Every single hangout will end with a shill. You might be tempted to text them a diatribe about how selling newspapers in the year of our Lord 2024 is not only a bad business plan but kind of useless activism-wise but hold your tongue. You just have to never go to a trendy bar again and wear a disguise for the several shows you talked about attending together.

Become hyper-capitalist as a result of your trauma
You know, maybe if all today’s socialists have to offer is overpriced printed media, maybe we’re on the wrong side here. Might be time to get into stocks and shit, maybe get one of those 401k things you keep hearing about. No idea what they are but they sound cool!

Poser Staind Fan Didn’t Even Storm the Capitol on January 6th

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ELLICOTT CITY, Md. — Local resident and supposed Staind fan Brandon Vintner wasn’t even present at the attempted coup on the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021, disgusted sources confirmed.

“Yeah man, I love Staind but I’m more of a centrist,” the weak-willed poser commented. “I’ve been a fan ever since ‘Dysfunction’ came out in 1999 during my nu-metal phase. A lot of fans dropped off when they released that song ‘It’s Been Awhile,’ but not me. They were actually my first concert when I saw them on their ‘Break the Cycle’ tour and that’s a memory I’ll take with me forever, though it now makes sense that everyone at that show back then wore Bush/Cheney shirts. I know Aaron Lewis has some controversial views, but politics isn’t really my thing. I’m just a huge fan of the music and not storming government buildings in my free time.”

Other Staind enthusiasts have been quick to denounce Vintner’s cavalier approach to his fandom.

“That guy is so full of shit,” scoffed William “Big Bill” Humphrey from Central Maryland Correctional Facility, where he is currently serving five years for trespassing and assault on law enforcement officers. “I was in D.C. with all the other patriots who love Staind as much as they love their country, and when President Trump told us to march to the Capitol and ‘fight like hell,’ we didn’t hesitate to break into the building and smear our own shit all over the walls as we wandered around taking pictures. In fact, declining to storm the Capitol is something some pussy Jimmy Eat World fan probably would’ve done.”

Staind frontman Aaron Lewis was shocked to learn a fan of his hadn’t taken part in the insurrection.

“I refuse to believe one of my supporters didn’t risk his life and the lives of others in the service of a billionaire who is probably the second coming of Jesus, if you really think about it,” the singer stated while changing the strings on his obnoxious Les Paul Stars and Stripes electric guitar. “That’s the entire point of every song I’ve ever written. Take the song ‘Outside’ for instance. It’s clearly about the alienation that comes with getting your news from right-wing media outlets. Everyone just makes fun of you and calls you the weird uncle at Thanksgiving. If you haven’t felt that isolation, you’re not a Staind fan.”

At press time, Vintner was seen listening to Michale Graves-era Misfits, saying he wanted to get into bands with “less controversial singers.”

Stop & Shop Discontinuing Cigarette Sales Due to Decline in Cool Teenagers

Posted on by Ben Friedman

QUINCY, Mass. — Supermarket chain Stop & Shop announced that their stores would no longer sell cigarettes due to poor sales from the vast decline of cool teenagers across the region, the executive board confirmed.

“We’ve been tracking the data for a while, and the numbers don’t lie. The drought of cool teenagers who wear leather jackets and live by their own rules is directly connected to our rapidly declining sales of cigarettes and tobacco products. Therefore, we will be discontinuing sales in the next few days,” said company President Gordon Reid. “There was a time when an effortlessly cool teen could flock to our stores with a flawless fake I.D. to grab a pack of Marlboros and smoke them while leaning against the hood of their I-ROC in the parking lot looking aloof yet affable. But research has shown most would rather be vaping while watching six simultaneous Twitch channels at once. And it’ll be a cold day in hell before we sell any of that bubblegum vape garbage.”

Many teens cited significant changes in their lifestyles leading to cigarettes no longer being necessary.

“Why would I willingly take multiple cigarette breaks a day and give myself lung cancer when I could use that time to be in math club? Last time I checked, smelling like tar was for the olds and there’s no way I’m stinking up my dad’s Honda Odyssey when I go trade Funko Pops on the weekend,” said 14-year-old Matt Frink. “Sorry if I’m ruining some grocery store’s sales, but I’d rather spend my money on a sensible water bottle to reduce my plastic use.”

Anti-smoking organizations admitted they may have gone too far with preventing teens from smoking.

“We just wanted to encourage kids to make healthier choices, and now we have have a generation of dorks who think Mr. Beast is cooler looking than every punk band from the ‘80s combined. The only ones who do use tobacco are fratty douche lords who pop Zyns like candy, and that’s a huge turnoff for most high school-aged kids,” said Truth rep Morgan Jenkins.” Listen kids, we got a whole boatload of nicotine patches you can have until you’re ready for the real shit, just please keep supporting your local chains and loiter outside of them while playing music too loud. The culture depends on it.”

As of press time, Stop & Shop said they would still allow teens to smoke weed and light their recycling bins on fire behind the stores.

Report: Nearly Half of Burning Man Attendees Don’t Have Enough of Their Parents’ Money Saved to Go This Year

Posted on by Ben Friedman

BLACK ROCK CITY, Nev. — A troubling economic report revealed that 48% of this year’s projected Burning Man attendees don’t have enough of their parents’ money saved up to actually go, festival coordinators confirmed.

“After all these years of being so careful with my trust fund, ensuring my parents are replenishing it, and now I have to face the reality of not being able to afford going on a peyote bender at Burning Man. What am I supposed to tell my girlfriend, that we can’t trip balls at the best desert rave in the world because my dad’s tenants are balking at raising their rents?” said River Hanson. “I only get Uber Eats five times a week, how the hell am I almost out of money until 2025? Now I’ll have to fly coach to Electric Daisy Carnival. This economy is hellish.”

Burning Man organizers are increasingly concerned the lack of spoiled trust fund kids will impact their operating budget.

“Last year’s flooding was bad enough, now we have to contend with the possibility that we’ll be showing off art installations and DJ sets to nobody. Our bread and butter is entitled brats who exist solely on their parents’ money who come here to brag about it on TikTok. But thanks to all the recession fears, discretionary spending is down and these teenage adults are opting to just party at their family’s third beach house,” said coordinator Carol Jeffers. “We’d lower ticket prices, but inflation has really driven up the cost of hiring the spiritual gurus. At this rate we’ll be lucky if we can get the Silicon Valley tech bros to show up.”

Other festival promoters said that this will be the new normal unless extreme measures are taken.

“Earlier it was the big concerts canceling, now it’s the rich kid EDM playgrounds that are feeling the heat. It used to be that you could just throw up a tent somewhere in Death Valley and the trust fund babies would naturally show up within minutes thanks to never having worked a day in their lives, now they’re living from brunch to brunch,” said Hank LaSalle. “The only viable thing they can do before mommy and daddy cut them off is to set up a public trust fund or as most people call it, GoFundMe.”

The report also found most potential Burning Man-goers have found the best way to finance the trip was to trick friends into funding their parents’ pump and dump crypto schemes.