Joe Biden Visited By Own Ghost

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden was reportedly startled late last night after he was unexpectedly visited by his own ghost, concerned aides confirmed.

“Listen up Jack, I’m here with a dire warning about a crisis that will lead this country to ruin if you don’t make a change fast, but uh, I can’t quite remember what that message was,” said the Ghost of Joe Biden, appearing before his own corporeal form. “Don’t worry, it’ll come to me, it’s probably something about the economy. Or maybe it was some war, are we still in that kerfuffle with the Soviet Union? Well you know what they say, if it was really that important you wouldn’t forget. Wanna go get some ghastly ice cream?”

Despite being initially scared after seeing his own spirit appear to him, President Biden and his ghost have reportedly struck up a fast friendship.

“At first I thought my own ghost showing up was gonna be bad news, but I gotta say, Ghost Joe is a great hang. We went to Dave and Buster’s, shared some loaded nachos, and we even pranked Kamala by making it look like the nuclear football briefcase was floating across the room all by itself,” said Biden, redeeming arcade tickets for a pair of Nerf guns. “He seemed really stressed about something bad that was gonna happen to the country soon, so I’m glad we could take his mind off of it. I’m sure it’ll be fine, whatever it is, I still got another couple years as President to fix it.”

White House staffer Kevin Greene is concerned about how much time the two Presidents are spending together.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad the President finally made a friend—but it’s just that we have all these judicial confirmations and bills he needs to sign before Trump takes office in January and they keep spilling root beer on the paperwork,” said Greene, picking up nerf darts strewn across the Oval Office. “Plus they keep trying to do the twin trick where they switch places for meetings he doesn’t want to go to. We almost had an international incident after Ghost Joe scared the shit out of Mohammed bin Salman.”

At press time, the Democratic National Committee was reportedly considering running Ghost Joe for President in the 2028 Election.

Calling Bullshit: This Guy Put One of Those “Bought It Before We Knew He Was Crazy” Bumper Stickers on His Cybertruck

Posted on by Dan Rice

Let’s all take a moment to play the world’s smallest violin for first-gen Tesla owners. On the one hand they were able to afford a Tesla between 2008 and 2018 so their life isn’t what you would call a struggle, but a lot of them sincerely thought they were doing a good thing. If you’re the type of asshole that can afford a luxury car you do get SOME points for buying one with a significantly reduced environmental impact, and that’s what they thought they were doing. Then, Elon Musk offset that collective eco-frendliness by launching one into space for no reason, and has gotten crazier by the day ever since.

It’s little wonder why so many Tesla owners wish to distance themselves from the Musk brand without sacrificing their beloved cars. That’s probably why anti-Musk bumper stickers have become so popular with among them. It’s a way to show the world that you had no idea what a dumpster-fire Musk was when you made your purchase so you can have your cake and eat it too. Unfortunately, we recently spotted a Tesla customer who seems to be exploiting the system.

Randall Hapkins is the 32-year -old owner of a Tesla Cybertruck featuring a bumper sticker that reads “Bought it before we knew how crazy he was.” Seriously dude? Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?

The Cybertruck wasn’t even introduced to the world until 2019. You watched the same demo we all watched, saw Musk presenting that unyielding, PS1-graphics-come-to-life monstrosity saying “Look at how bulletproof this hunk of shit is!” and then effortlessly smashing it to hell with a baseball bat and shrugging. Are you trying to say your takeaway from that was “Wow, what a sane and cool man!”? We. Call. Bullshit.

Okay, let’s say you did. Maybe you happened to suffer a blow to the head and got dosed with salvia that day, whatever. The first Cybertrucks weren’t delivered until November of 2023 my guy. You had four years to cancel your order with a full refund on your deposit. You’re trying to tell us that in that entire time Musk didn’t do anything that raised an eyebrow for you? When he bought one of the world’s largest social media platforms to make it more anti-semite friendly you were like “That’s so sensible I might buy TWO Cybertrucks!”?

What exactly WAS the watershed moment for you? Like, were you on board all the way through him announcing his plan to illegally purchase votes for Trump, but then he jumped up and down revealing his midsection and that just broke the spell? You saw that pale, foie gras and fried songbird stuffed belly and finally realized “Woah, this guy might have a screw loose!”? Or is it just that you can only pretend you enjoy people pointing and laughing at your car everywhere you go for so long? Our money is on the latter pal.

It’s too late for you friend, no one’s welcoming you onto this bandwagon. You made your bed, now drive in it. At least until the next recall. It’s been a few months, we’re probably due for one.

Metalhead Still Riding High After Receiving $6.66 Back in Change from Gas Station 3 Days Ago

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local metalhead Devon Kingsley is reportedly still feeling a slight sense of euphoria after receiving $6.66 back from a purchase he made at a gas station convenience store a few days ago, denim-clad sources report.

“This was almost as fulfilling as the time my credit score hit 666,” said Kingsley with a large wad of beef jerky in his mouth. “I walked in to get my usual ‘fountain Dew’ and a slice of breakfast pizza, and I was stoked when I noticed they brought back Strawberry Tab on draft. But that’s only the beginning, I also scored seven chipotle chicken and cheddar Tornados that were discounted for having been under the heat lamp for seven hours. All that for $3.34! And to top it off, getting the number of the beast back in change, it was as if Lucifer himself forged that $10 dollar bill. Hail Satan!”

Kingley’s partner Amanda Glasston almost immediately noticed a change in her boyfriend’s mood since that day.

“I love seeing Devon so happy. He even hung the receipt on the fridge over a photo of us,” Glasston explained. “I think the last time I’ve seen him so pumped was when he spotted a used copy of Sodom’s ‘Agent Orange’ at the record shop down the street for only $4.20. He already had a copy, but he just thinks it’s cool to spot one in the wild for the price of the ‘marijuana number.’ Metalheads really are just simple folk. Unfortunately, he’s been trying to get $6.66 change ever since. He got close once with a $6.63 change amount but, according to him, it just wasn’t the same.”

Gas station manager Ron Brudunski noted several occasions where metalheads celebrated their “evil” change amounts.

“I’m not into the whole Satan or heavy metal thing myself, but it seems like every weekend I get hordes of them coming in and buying 40s and our pre-made sandwiches,” Brudunski explained. “But I’d rather have a million metalheads give me the horns or what-not because of their change than hear one more asshole say ‘$17.76? That was a pretty good year’ or some dumbshit like that. Some people still say, ‘No price. That means it’s free, right?’ Honestly, I’ll take metalheads over lame dudes any day.”

At press time, Kingsley’s mood was further improved after he spotted a Scottish Terrier that had a striking resemblance to Lemmy.

Luigi Mangione is The Hard Times’ 2024 Punk of the Year

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

The streets of New York are a little less dangerous for C-suite healthcare executives now that Luigi Mangione is in a Pennsylvania jail. But our offices were rocked by such a late entry into our 106th annual Punk of the Year award.

We had our choice locked and loaded. It was going to be our buddy Dirty Doug, he had a hell of a year. He ate 30 cigarettes on a dare, and didn’t throw a single one up. He bit a cop who was trying to arrest him for being drunk and disorderly, and he claims he hasn’t showered since February. This man deserved the award. Then everything changed. On December 4th a masked gunman shot and killed UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson and then fled the scene on a bike. We knew at that moment we had a new contender for Punk of the Year.

It turns out that man was Luigi Mangione. You might be saying, “But he’s a rich kid from a life of privilege, he can’t be punk.” Well, tell that to every crust punk you have ever met. The biggest difference between Mangione and your average crust punk is that Mangione actually took action. He didn’t just tell his dad to fuck off and then go panhandle downtown, anyone can do that. No, our Punk of the Year did something that might actually foment change for once.

The bar for Punk of the Year has been raised to an impossible level, we only hope next year’s recipient is as deserving.

Punk Charity Drive Raises 20,000 Loose Cigarettes for Families in Need

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

MOORPARK, Calif. — Local charitable punk Branden Shaffer helped raise an unprecedented number of individual cigarettes during a holiday donation drive, according to coughing sources.

“It’s great to see our community support each other,” said Shaffer, between drags. “There are already food banks and clothing drives for the needy, but who is going to provide our neighbors these forgotten tobacco essentials? We created Spare Smokes so those households blessed with a full pack can share with the less fortunate who need to bum one. Even if you can only spare a few loosies from that crushed pack in your pocket, that small act could change the lives of a struggling family with no source of nicotine until payday. And these 20,000 cigarettes will ensure that dozens of local families won’t have to worry about where their next puff will come from.”

One donor spoke from personal experience of the organization’s philanthropy.

“It wasn’t that long ago that I struggled with cigarette insecurity,” shared Clark Rivas, before dropping a handful of Marlboros into the drive’s donation bin. “But Spare Smokes was there for us in my family’s time of need. They made sure our home was filled with the haze and comforting smell of smoke during a holiday season when we couldn’t even afford to roll our own. But now that I’m back on my feet, I can buy a fresh pack every morning. It’s an honor to give back to my community, one American Spirit at a time.”

This often-unfulfilled need for nicotine has been studied by Alex Mora, an economist familiar with the cigarette drive.

“Have you seen the price of a pack of smokes lately?” Mora shouted, while gesturing that he needed to borrow a lighter. “It’s over ten bucks a pack at the gas station, even for the shitty ones! The average smoker spends several hundred dollars per month just to meet their basic needs. We’ve had reports of some families going days at a time without a single Parliament Light just to afford the rising costs of groceries, rent, and beer. With no government systems in place to assist with this basic necessity, many are dependent on the goodwill of their community to have any cigs at all. If only there was a Universal Basic Cigarette policy in place.”

At press time, Shaffer was seen trying to salvage what was left of the donated cigarettes after accidentally spilling a full beer into the collection bin.

How To Support Your Local Neighborhood Businesses Even Though They Are All Full of Shit Nobody Wants

Posted on by Rose Eden

The holidays are back once again and many feel the urgent community responsibility of purchasing their loved one’s gifts from local, neighborhood stores even though they are all basically full of shit that nobody wants. To make matters even tougher during a time when many of us are already financially struggling, most of the items are so overly marked up that shoppers are put in a “double bind” of paying higher prices for gifts they’re 98% sure their friends and family won’t even like.

With the understanding that a lot of local neighborhood shops are overblown vanity projects for rich kids, tax breaks for heirs, and a productive way for well-off retirees to spend their free time and 401K payouts, we here at The Hard Times understand that not all small business owners and retail buyers are exactly in touch, so to say, with their fingers on the pulse of what consumers actually want this holiday season. Therefore, we’ve put together a guide on how to actually support these small businesses, despite them being full of shit that nobody actually wants.

Remember the street cred you’ll receive:

Keep in mind that most of us are exhausted this time of year, so many utilize services like Amazon Prime or superstores like Target or Walmart to purchase gifts and have them delivered straight to their door hassle free. The fact that you picked out a crafty gift with a questionable level of taste at a local small business not only means that you physically went out shopping to hand select the item yourself, but you also paid approximately 40% more than anyone else because of the outrageous markups applied to the items. Once the gift is opened, however ugly, any and all who phoned in their gift by slapping a curly ribbon on a bottle of wine will bow their heads in shame for not making the extra effort.

Consider all the extra cardio you’ll get:

While shopping at local, neighborhood businesses, you might find yourself turning an item over in your hands while saying: “What the hell is this?” followed by: “They want how much for this?!” causing you to carefully place the item back down and slowly back away. The problem is, you may have to circle the store many times to find anything that’s even halfway decent to give as a gift. Often, you will have to visit several stores in vain just to end up returning to the initial establishment you started at, tumultuously deliberating between a stapler shaped like a dachshund and a vase resembling a woman’s rear end. This deliberation process will often burn hundreds of calories as you scour the dusty shelves of several shops in search of something… anything that isn’t so embarrassing to leave under the tree that the recipient doesn’t immediately assume it’s a gag gift.

Utilize the long, slow, wide-eyed nod:

When purchasing and/or handing over a gift that you know is kind of tacky or crappy, be sure to make eye contact with the cashier or recipient and do the long, slow, nod while saying, “It’s from a local business in my neighborhood, I’m sure they’ll/you’re going to love it! It’s important to support businesses that are local, especially these days, in this economy.” Everyone knows that all too familiar, loaded, and somewhat delusional nod as a cue to ask no further questions and accept the circumstance at hand. They will feel so awkward from being thoroughly guilt tripped, no comments will be made about how nobody really wants a t-shirt that says: “Oh Kale No!” They’ll pretend to love it, while discreetly checking to see if there’s a gift receipt somewhere in the packaging.

Stay within a budget, but do not correlate price to value:

In circumstances like these, it’s always good to be mindful of not going over budget, but do keep in mind that items found at local, neighborhood stores are rarely worth the asking price. If $20 is your gifting budget, for example, you probably won’t get more than a pair of socks with avocados on them, but that’s still way better than the $40 Golden Girls coaster set or a $70 dream catcher made by some girl who hangs at the neighborhood dive bar named Hannah. Consider it as a sort of parallel dimension where cost has absolutely no correlation to value and the more you spend, well, nobody really cares, but you’ll sleep well at night knowing you supported a local, neighborhood business.

Remember that regifting is always an option:

The holidays are a singular annual occasion, but always keep in mind that most individuals have to give several birthday presents and even white elephant gifts throughout the course of each year. Therefore, if they don’t care for the gift you’ve given them utilizing the long, slow, eye contact heavy nod, (see #3) they can always stash it away with the intention of regifting it to someone else. Who would have the nerve to ask where that tacky gift is that you got them last Christmas the next time they come over? They absolutely would not dare. They can then also use that same long, slow nod, explaining it’s from a local neighborhood business in order to guilt trip their friends and family into strained gratitude, which is especially effective for giving gifts to folks you don’t really care for, or want to be around.

Makers of Scrub Daddy Release New “Scrub Sub” For Those Filthy, Dirty, Misbehaving Stains

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PENNSAUKEN, N.J. — The makers of the Scrub Daddy recently introduced a new companion product, the “Scrub Sub,” which is meticulously designed to drink up the filthiest, naughtiest messes with pleasure.

“We realized that some people need to unleash a little aggression during cleaning. Unlike its smiley-faced counterpart, the Scrub Sub offers a submissive approach to grime, that really lets you unleash on stubborn stains,” Scrub Daddy marketing director Hannah Miller said while violently twisting the Scrub Sub in her hand. “There’s a satisfaction in dominating a sponge that doesn’t just clean but likes to get dirtier in the process. The Scrub Sub deserves to be governed. The Scrub Sub wants to be coated in the most disgusting fluids and thank you for it. It’s a sponge that’s here to take it, no matter how nasty things get.”

Not everyone, however, is on board with this spongy new product.

“Honestly, this is a bit much,” commented TikToker Darcy Simmons, a cleaning enthusiast and so-called “Sponge Influencer.” “Cleaning should be about the satisfaction of reaching a spotless result, not about indulging in the dirty. The Scrub Sub seems like a gimmick—what happened to just getting things clean without all this… subtext? They say once you grip the Scrub Sub, it will let you push it as hard and long as you need. Oh, wow, ok that’s kind of exhilarating. It starts off as a soft sponge but gets firmer the harder you scrub. I take back everything I said and am open for sponsorships.”

Experts believe that, in an era of repressed desires, the Scrub Sub is exactly what the cleaning world needs.

“In human development, people want to dominate their environment, but they don’t always get that opportunity,” Dr. Amanda Barnes, professor of Consumer Psychology at Franklin University explained. “Having a product like this sponge gives people a safe way to assert power over something. It allows them to release a side of themselves that wants to punish, especially over something that wants to yield to that punishment. The Scrub Sub is therapeutic for those pent up urges of, um, many types.”

As of press time, Scrub Daddy is still working on giving the Scrub Sub the ability to express a safe word for when things get too dirty.

Latest Democratic Fundraiser Email Just Nancy Pelosi Asking For a Ride to the Airport

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Democratic voters were left puzzled today after the party’s latest round of fundraising emails was just Nancy Pelosi asking if they could drive her to the airport, sources confirmed.

“Donald Trump is back in the Oval Office and the soul of our democracy is at stake. We need your help to fight back, but I can’t stop Trump if I can’t get a ride to the airport at 5 a.m. on Saturday. You failed Hillary Clinton. You failed Kamala Harris. Will you fail me too?” said Pelosi as she dictated the fundraising email. “Also, it would really help heal our fractured nation if you swung by Starbucks and picked up a decaf skim latte with a dash of cinnamon on your way to pick me up.”

Democratic voter Greg Leonard revealed that his inbox was completely flooded by requests from politicians begging for help with mundane tasks.

“I thought the Democratic fundraising emails would dry up once the election was over, but they’ve only gotten worse—this one is just a picture of a sobbing Chuck Schumer holding an allen wrench saying that he can’t protect democracy if I don’t help him put together this Vebjörn desk from IKEA,” said Leonard, scrolling through his inbox. “Then there’s this email from Biden asking me to help him move on January 20th, and oh great, look what just came in: ‘Greg! Hospice care for Jimmy Carter isn’t free. Will you step up?'”

Meanwhile the Trump campaign took a slightly different tactic with their own relentless fundraising email campaigns.

“ATTENTION! Will YOU visit Uncle Sam’s widow after the DEMONcrats murder him on live TV? Hillary Clinton has promised to shoot a bald eagle in the face, and we won’t be able to stop her if you don’t chip in seventeen dollars to the Trump campaign to save ‘UNCLE SAM the eagle,’” read the email, displayed in a red font resembling dripping blood. “Crooked Hillary is promising she will continue to execute an eagle every hour if you don’t pitch in to help TRUMP buy UNCLE SAM a bulletproof vest. And a commemorative gold-plated replica of Uncle Sam’s bulletproof vest can be yours for just $69.99!”

At press time, reports revealed a recent Libertarian Party email just reminded the recipient that they needed to tell them if they were a cop before they asked for a favor or it would be entrapment.

Opinion: If Weezer Cared About Color Blind Folks Like Me, They Would’ve Found a Way To Let Me Know Which of Their Albums Were Good

Posted on by Sidney Conant

I’ve never wanted any special treatment for being color blind, but I do appreciate the accommodations that society has provided to me that most chromatypicals take for granted. Minor things like mostly-standard stop light orientation, and major things like produce labels protecting unknowing taste buds from yucky green bell peppers both go a long way in helping people like me equitably navigate our lives, but I think more can still be done.

Like anyone else in their thirties pretending to be a carefree teenager in response to the growing promises of a bleaker tomorrow, I started listening to Weezer again, like nonstop. And I won’t lie, some of their work still holds up. It does, however, get tiring having to skip track after track just to find some of the good stuff when all of their albums have the same freaking title and literally look identical minus a different background color. How am I supposed to tell these apart?

Does Weezer just not care about the colorblind? Because finding ways of letting us know which of their albums suck isn’t exactly difficult.

I’ve seen the band donate signed guitars to charity and perform on benefit records—is it really too hard for them to spice up their album covers with different titles so I don’t have to sit through “Love is the Answer” again? Seriously, guys, Weezers II – XVII, or something—you know, like Zeppelin. Or does me being unable to properly run a litmus test in my chemistry lab without a partner not compare with the mission of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society?

I get it. Sometimes you want that consistency with the album artwork when you’re too afraid to take your sound in new and interesting directions, and I’m sure that helps fans know what they’re getting. But around 4.5% of the world’s population doesn’t know what they’re getting, and it’s like we don’t even matter to Rivers Cuomo. He could at least have the decency to wear a cowboy hat or something on the cover of one of these things, and I think he could totally pull it off, too!

I’ve even called half of their record labels, begging them to consider putting stickers on Weezer CDs with messages like “Warning: This is the One Where He Fetishizes About Half-Japanese Girls for Some Reason” on them. And every one of those assholes laughed at me, can you believe it?

Is this all part of Weezer’s plan to get roughly 350 million people worldwide to go to Target and unwittingly pick up what is known as the “Black album” by those with perfectly functional cone cells? Because I hope it’s not the case, and I do believe that they’ll come back to form with their next album.

And maybe it’ll be as good as the one where the four of them are standing on the cover, looking like a bunch of dorks. You know the one.

Criss Angel Able to Freak Minds Again Thanks to Hims

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LAS VEGAS — Professional magician and illusionist Criss Angel recently revealed he no longer suffers from mind-freak dysfunction ever since he started using the popular male-enhancement line of products known as Hims, gullible sources report.

“Ageing sucks. Getting old while being a magic sensation who is expected to go out and freak the minds of hundreds of people each night sucks even worse,” Angel explained while locking himself in a glass box for 40 consecutive days. “But with just seven easy compounded semaglutide injections per day, a couple finasteride minoxidil spurts, and a few sildenafil and tadalafil chewables, I never again have to worry about the embarrassment of my entire body getting flaccid in a straight jacket halfway through my act, or guessing the wrong card ever again! I feel as good as I did when I was starting out doing children’s birthday parties. Thank you, Hims!”

Superfan Rachel Daniels revealed that it feels like Angel has been freaking her mind for the first time again.

“For a while there, Criss would just get so frustrated at himself as he tried something as simple as a routine levitation trick. He would barely even lift off the ground, let alone for any satisfying amount of time,” Daniels said. “He would then spend the remaining 20 minutes of his show sitting at the end of the stage with his head in his hands, sobbing. But now, he can guess every number I’m thinking of until the early morning and I’ll tell you what, I haven’t been mind-freaked this hard since 2007!”

Todd Shulz, a representative from Hims feels fortunate to be behind a product that so often helps struggling illusionists.

“Imagine if Harry Houdini could have used our line of products? Who knows, maybe if he could have had a preliminary consultation, he wouldn’t have died from that fatal appendicitis trick he performed,” Shulz said. “Although some ‘magicians’ apparently like embarrassing their limp-dick selves and will turn down a multi-thousand dollar endorsement deal. Yeah, I’m looking at you, David Blaine. Going with BlueChew, huh? Have fun ever being a real man again while wearing your suit made of bees, loser.”

In related news, magician David Copperfield was able to tour again after beginning his treatment of Cialis.

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