KENT, Conn. — Former diplomat, and noted war criminal, Henry Kissinger died at his home yesterday reportedly of a broken heart brought on by the temporary ceasefire between Israel and Hamas, grieving family members confirmed.
“There is nothing Henry loved more than turning on the TV and seeing innocent children covered in blood as their homes were bombed by bloodthirsty government officials. He’s been so full of life these past few weeks it was like he was 85 again,” said Kissinger’s widow Nancy Maginnes. “He started taking a turn for the worse as soon as he heard about the ceasefire, and when Palestinians were being released from Israeli prisons he became physically ill. It was tough to see him like that. I tried to make him feel better by reading off the names of Cambodians who died because of him, and I’m afraid it wasn’t enough.”
Former president, and also a noted war criminal, George W. Bush remembered Kissinger fondly.
“Man, Henry was was a real cut up I’ll tell you what. Me and Dick (Cheney) would be talking about these new missiles were unleashing on Iraq and I kid you not Henry, who was in his 80s at the time, got the biggest darn erection I’d ever seen,” said Bush. “Then he grabbed some classified documents with photos of dead Iraqi civilians and ran to the Lincoln Bedroom for 25 minutes. He came back smoking a cigarette and we knew what he was doing in there. Henry was a real hound dog when it came to seeing photos of exploded people.”
David Sullivan, a funeral director in Kissinger’s hometown, says Kissinger had already made final arrangements for services after his death.
“Mr. Kissinger was very specific with his wishes. Although I’m surprised he died so soon, any time we talked he always talked about this ‘deal he made’ that would allow him to outlive all his enemies foreign and domestic,” said Sullivan. “I’ve already begun preparations for the service which will feature collages from the various conflicts he was responsible for. Mr. Kissinger also asked to be buried with a photo of the child covered in napalm running down the road, he said it was his fondest memory of the ’70s.”
In lieu of flowers, Kissinger’s family is asking people to overthrow democratically elected officials and replace them with puppet dictators.
Somehow, the sexually charged vocals of the human embodiment of a beige swatch from Lowe’s still make you think about your college girlfriend. Maybe Janelle will take you back if you call and apologize for throwing up at her sister’s wedding. She’s been married to your cousin for fourteen years, but it’s worth a shot! If you daydream about the life you would’ve built with Janelle and her family in upper Maine for too long, you’ll probably clip several people using Bird scooters in the bike lane. Thankfully, you’ll be so emotionally available, you’ll cry with them!
If the intro track to this EP doesn’t make everyone think you have a dude trapped in your trunk, every second of “Entombment of a Machine” will. Whatever you do, don’t ask why you placed this album on the same page as The Roots’ “Things Fall Apart” and Savage Garden’s 1997 self-titled album until you’ve safely rear-ended the Honda Civic in front of you.
Everybody loves “White Pony,” but what about the album you lost your makeout virginity to? This was the album that made you a love-drunk sicko that abandoned skateboarding and childhood friends for any girl in the mall food court that looked at you right. So, jam “Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)” and have an extra-sweaty dry-humping session with the cop that will inevitably pull you over for being too horny.
The lyrics to this album will let everyone in the Target parking lot know your BAC is above .08. So don’t break it out until you’ve finished the open container in your front seat. Also, hang onto that hitchhiker for a while because you need an alibi more than you need a drinking buddy.
This album is as terrible as it is fun which makes it the perfect CD to listen to while pulling into your old elementary school. No teacher thought you were old enough to listen to Limp Bizkit in ‘01, so it’s time to prove what a big, strong man you became by blaring “Rollin’” while picking up your girlfriend’s son thirty minutes before dismissal. Jaydain Murphy doesn’t need social-emotional learning any more than you need to turn down the Limp B-I-Z-K-I-T.
