29. Queen of Pain
This Christmas legend comes to us from our neighbors to the north in Canada. Santa delivers presents to all the good children, but wicked kids are visited by The Queen of Pain who hangs them from a chain. Canadians pride themselves on being nice, so naughty kids are heavily reprimanded.
28. She Said
We all know Santa’s trademark catchphrase “Ho ho ho!” but how many of you are familiar with Mrs. Claus’s signature greeting “Woo e ah ah?” I’ll bet not many of you, and it’s a shame. Hey, this Christmas, respect women.
27. Voodoo Idol
This song is a staple of Haitian Christmas, and if someone in your household tries to skip it you can give them an earful about respecting other cultures.
26. Zombie Dance
You don’t remember the zombie dance scene from “The Nightmare Before Christmas?” Did you even have a childhood?
25. Can’t Find My Mind
Christmas can be a hectic time for mommies and daddies and between all the planning, shopping, and card sending they can often be left frazzled, as if they can’t find their own minds. Sure, you can skip it and listen to “Walking in a Winter Wonderland,” or you can let it play, and show a little goddamn respect for the people who make Christmas happen!
24. Surfin’ Dead
Well, yeah, obviously “Surfin’ Dead” is a Christmas song, because they wrote it for that Christmas movie, “Return of the Living Dead.” Don’t challenge me on “How is ‘Return of the Living Dead’ a Christmas movie?” it’s the age of the internet and we’ll wind up in a lame “Is ‘Die Hard’ a Christmas movie?” conversation. Once you’ve had like three of those you’re officially old and sundowning.
23. Like a Bad Girl Should
This holiday season it’s important to remember that just because a woman finds herself on the naughty list doesn’t mean that Santa doesn’t think she’s a total smokeshow. The coal is sort of a double entendre.
22. Can Your Pussy Do the Dog?
This was a merciless taunt often hurled at Rudolph when he tried to join in on the reindeer games. Blitzen would say “Can your pussy even do the dog Rudolph? Fuck outta here!” It was a devastating insult because it implied that Rudolph, a cis male, not only had a pussy, but that said pussy was so inferior and incompetent it couldn’t even do “the dog,” which is reindeer slang for something pussies ought to be able to do.
21. Bop Pills
Okay don’t judge him, try to remember you love him, but Santa does a lot of amphetamines on Christmas Eve. He has to, it’s a lot of work! This is a song about the exhilaration Kris Kringle feels halfway through the night when his addies kick in and he gets his second wind. Makes him feel like groovin’!