Christmas is right around the corner, a season of giving, connecting with loved ones, and the most god-awful ear-worm music you’ve ever heard in your life. You can’t get away from it, be it at work or at home, someone in your life is trying to push this crap on you earlier and earlier every year. But what if Christmas music didn’t suck, because it wasn’t Christmas music, and was The Cramps instead?
We’ve put together the top 50 songs by The Cramps and ranked them by how easily you can argue their way onto someone’s Christmas playlist. (Listen along while you read)
50. I Wanna Get In Your Pants
Yeah, this one would be a tough sell. Maybe you could try saying that it’s Santa’s pants, Lux is singing about? Like he wants to dress up as Santa? Honestly, if you can get your family to buy that you can get them to buy anything.
49. All Women Are Bad
Yeah, this one is just not gonna work. You could maybe make the case that this song is trying to put the Christ back in Christmas by reminding people of man’s origin in the garden, but you really don’t want to go down that road.
48. Drug Train
What is Santa’s sleigh if not a train, delivering the, uh, drug, of… dopamine? To Children? Okay, fine change it.
47. Sheena’s in a Goth Gang
It’s about that TikTok trend of adults dressing goth and taking photos with mall Santas. You know what? I just made myself not want to listen to it.
46. God Damn Rock ‘n’ Roll
Tough one. Just say it’s the one about the Grandma who got run over by a reindeer and hope for the best. Nobody actually likes that other song anyway.
45. Aloha From Hell
You could maybe try to tell people it’s a Hawaiian rockabilly Christmas song called “Aloha Noelle” but your odds are slim. You know what, don’t steal our idea of “Aloha Noelle” we are going to learn how to play surf rock guitar and write that one ourselves.
44. Caveman
“What, you never saw “The Caveman Who Saved Christmas?” Oh man, it’s a classic. It’s about this Caveman, living back in Caveman days you know, and get this, the Caveman? He saves Christmas. We used to watch it every year at my house I’m surprised you’ve never heard of it.”
43. Don’t Eat Stuff Off The Sidewalk
“Oh yeah, Santa hates it when kids eat stuff off the sidewalk. If you eat stuff off the sidewalk that’s a one-way ticket to the naughty list. So anyway, Aunt Cathy, you had a cist removed, what was that like?”
42. Faster Pussycat
It’s about how fast and cool Santa’s sleigh is, and yeah, Lux takes a lot of sexually charged poetic license, but have you seen how that sleigh can move? You would get aroused.
41. Uranium Rock
One night Lux Interior was visited by the ghost of Poison Ivy even though she was still alive. She introduced him to the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, who showed him that he would dig up valuable uranium, but that his miserlyness toward his riches would lead to a life of loneliness. Lux vowed then and there that when he got his foldin’ money from the uranium he would find, he would throw it away. Sound contrived? Well, yeah, it’s pretty low on the list.
40. The Green Door
This was a cover of a popular song from the ’50s written about speakeasies, which themselves are a metaphor for Christmas. We all have a “green door” we want to walk through, be it to a physical place of ill repute or an act we consider taboo, like punching your landlord in the face. The temptation can be strong, but we must resist if we wish to stay off Santa’s naughty list.
39. Thee Most Exalted Potentate of Love
Yeah, I’m not afraid to say it, I think that giving someone a Christmas gift is the most exalted potentate of love! Save that “Happy Holidays” crap for the woke mob!
38. Shortnin’ Bread
Oh, so this season we can listen to a song about a guy who won’t let a woman leave his house, but listening to a song about shortbread cookies, a staple of Christmas time, is crazy? Well, I think that’s pretty crazy! No, by all means, change it to “Baby it’s Cold Outside” you monster!
37. Beautiful Gardens
If you’re a real Christmas head you’ll know this song plays in “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” when Yukon Cornelius forages the wrong mushroom and goes temporarily insane.
36. What’s Behind The Mask
“What’s Behind The Mask” is a brooding, contemplative Christmas song. It serves as a reminder that old Saint Nick sees not just this facade we wear, this idea of ourselves that we present to the world, but the corners and dark recesses of the inner mind as well. Sure, on the surface, we’re all good boys and girls, but on the inside, do we measure up? Do we really want to know? These are the questions the holiday season is all about.
35. Bikini Girls With Machine Guns
These were characters in “The Nutcracker,” The holiday ballet classic.
34. Tear It Up
Clearly this is a song about putting up Christmas decorations. You know like, tear it up, with festive lights! It would legit make a great song for a Christmas decorating montage. You can see it, right?
33. Save It
You know like, save up your money, so you can buy everyone Christmas gifts!
32. Sunglasses After Dark
Well, we all know Santa doesn’t come until all the boys and girls are asleep, but kids can’t sleep on Christmas Eve because they’re too excited, so this song recommends you wear sunglasses to bed so old Saint Nick can’t tell that you’re wide awake! It’s as clear as day.
31. You Got Good Taste
This one goes out to all the good little boys and girls who happen to be boujee. You’re 9 years old and you want a Gucci bag for Christmas? Santa respects the shit outta that hustle, on god, frfr.
30. Strychnine
“Well, there are different versions of the character we call Santa Claus all over the world. In the Baltic Principalities, he is known as Strychnine Klaus. He delivers tiny citrus fruit trees to all of the good boys and girls and leaves a dead mouse on your pillow if you are a wicked child. You should really know more about other cultures.”