Stress Over Looming Government Shutdown Drives House Speaker Mike Johnson Into Open Arms of Porn

Posted on by Freelancer

WASHINGTON — Speaker of the House Mike Johnson is reportedly getting really into online porn in an effort to relieve stress related to the looming government shutdown, worried sources confirmed.

“Wow wee. Whew. Man, these last few weeks have been STRESS-FULL. These jokers in my caucus are tough to please let me tell you what,” said Johnson. “But I’m feeling good! Great even. Come to think of it, since I started using porn, I’m feeling relaxed for maybe the first time in my life. I think it’s changing me for the better. Golly, all these years I’d been fighting with myself and trying to suppress who I was as a person, you know? The shame was suffocating. But now that I’m on porn, brother, I’ve never felt more alive. You should really check some of it out yourself, it’s a lot of fun.”

Members of the Johnson family have grown increasingly concerned with Mr. Johnson’s more tempered views on pornography. The transition has been especially tough on his son, and former accountability buddy, Jack.

“He’s barely home anymore because he spends most of his time in D.C., but when he is, he’s a completely different person. He just hangs around all day in a bathrobe, drinking milk right out of the carton and staying up until all hours of the night,” said Jack. “He’s been talking really funny lately too. Calling me ‘little dude’ and mom ‘baby girl.’ I know his job is stressful but I can’t believe he’s thrown away his entire life for pornography. I want my old dad back!”

Chaz Garth, a representative for Brazzers, confirmed that most members of Congress, including Mr. Johnson, have. accounts with the porn site.

“Yes, Mr. Johnson is a very recent customer. He’s also among the nicest guys I’ve encountered in my thirty-plus years working in this industry,” said Garth. “A lot of the members of Congress who use our site call our customer service line and complain about it being blocked on their work computers. Mr. Johnson, however, called up last week and just earnestly said, ‘Thank you.’ He said the site has changed his life for the better and has started to allow him the space to work on himself and he really wants Abella Danger to visit the Capitol Building. It was a beautiful sentiment.”

“I wish Rand Paul was that nice when he called,” added Garth. “Dude is bothering us constantly!”

At press time, Speaker Johnson was settling in on his 2010 Dell Inspiron i560-4000NBK for a relaxing little J.O. sesh before heading to the House floor.

Dad Asking About House Show You’re Playing Tonight Mostly Just Concerned With Square Footage

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

LEONIA, N.J. — Your dad recently asked for details about the house show you’re about to play as a backdoor excuse to get a sense of the square footage, neighborhood block association members confirmed.

“Nice, so load-in’s probably soon, right? I know load-in’s a thing…but, so how much space we talking in terms of square feet? And so, I see you’re using Sabian cymbals…any chance you might know the brand of water heater you’ll be setting these drums up next to? Even just a ballpark guess,” sputtered your dad as he arched his neck inquisitively, like a dog who was just asked if they wanted to go for a walk. “You know, because acoustically some brands of water heaters are, uh, more rockin’ to play nearby. Read that in Rolling Stones magazine. And is there perhaps a little shed-action going on in the side yard? That would be totally rock ‘n roll as well.”

Your dad’s interest was apparently rooted in a longstanding grudge with his neighbor, and owner of the house, Garry Erasthmus.

“Heh, I knew that Taurus-driving sonovabitch would be jealous. In fact, I had the whole damn basement renovated complete with a wet bar and jukebox completely loaded up with Allman Brothers Band just so his snot-nosed kid could report it back to him,” said Erasthmus while measuring the area to see if he could fit a Big Buck Hunter Machine in too. “Man oh man, I wish I could see the dumb look on his face when he hears that. He’s gonna need a new roof himself once that little nugget of information sends him shooting straight through it. I don’t know why other parents complain about their kids throwing shows in their basement…this is fuckin’ sweet.”

Licensed family psychologist Dr. Vanessa Mitchell-Carrera expressed her growing concern with your dad’s obsession with other people’s living situations.

“Well, at the risk of violating doctor-patient confidentiality, the man is slowly losing his mind. At our last session, he revealed that he had taken up skateboarding and dying his hair in hopes of infiltrating the house show unnoticed. Well, of course he promptly tore several ligaments in his knees and ankles,” said Mitchell-Carrera, as she shook her head gravely. “And dying your hair doesn’t necessarily scream ‘teenager’ when it’s just a scant ring of it around your male-pattern baldness-afflicted scalp. I think this man needs more help than I’m qualified to give. We may need to go the lobotomy route.”

At press time, the house show was halted entirely so the fire department could remove your dad from the chimney after he ventured in to check the ventilation.

We Sat Down With Punk Rock Legend the Bubble Yum Duck

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

Most people don’t wouldn’t think “punk rock” when looking for a corporate mascot, as the two concepts seem diametrically opposed to one another. But most people haven’t met Floyd D. Duck, the mohawked, septum-pierced spokesduck for Bubble Yum bubble gum. We caught up with Floyd at his home in a suburban Los Angeles park.

The Hard Times: Floyd, it’s an honor to meet you. I remember seeing your commercials when I watched “Power Rangers” in the ‘90s. How did you get your start?

Floyd D. Duck: Fuck, man, that was ages ago. It was your classic rags-to-riches story. I was picking at some shitty old bread in this very park when I stumbled across a wad of old gum. It got caught on my bill and I was squawking and shit, and it blew a bubble. All the ruckus caught the attention of some Bubble Yum ad execs who took a chance on a crusty-ass duck like me, and I signed the contract that afternoon.

Had you done any acting before?

Fuck no! I knocked around here and there outside the studios for a while, passing out demo tapes hoping to make it on a soundtrack, but bumming cigs from the Teamsters and shit was about as close as I got. 

Did you ever consider it “selling out” to have your face all over packs of bubble gum?

When I was younger, yeah, I had ideals and shit. Like in that first commercial, I wanted to chug from a whiskey bottle and chuck it at those square-ass ducks to scare them away. I was fuckin’ indignant about it, squawking about how that was the “real me” and shit. But the director pulled me aside and explained it was some FCC thing that they couldn’t show booze during kids shows, and I needed the cash to buy back my fucking guitar, so I gave in. But they let me keep the studded collar on as a compromise. So there’s a give and take I guess.

Have you enjoyed your success over the years?

Oh fuck, dude, ab-so-lute-ly! I mean everyone chews bubble gum at one point in their lives, right? So I get recognized all the time and I haven’t paid for a fucking drink since 1992. And the chicks, man, it’s un-fucking-real what they’ll do to sleep with someone famous, even a piece of shit duck like me.

Any stories you want to share?

Oh man, kids gonna be reading this shit? Ha, I don’t give a fuck. Anyway, I was in a band with the Aflac duck in the early 2000s when everyone who was mildly famous had a gig like that. Never got so much cloaca in my life. I’m a gentleman, so let’s leave it at that.

Are you still friends with any of your fellow spokespeople?

Oh fuck yeah, man, I hang with Yipes, the Fruit Stripe Zebra, all the time. We get drunk off our ass and play softball with the Big League Chew dude. We all used to be part of a huge crew that ran these streets, getting wild with heroin and splitting hookers. Those Quizno’s Spongemonkeys would smuggle it in from Tijuana. But once we got a bad batch and shit hit the fan. I was there when the Pets.com dog OD’d. That was a real fucking eye-opener. Been off horse ever since. Fucking tragic shit.

You’re still on packages of Bubble Yum to this day, do you think you’ll ever retire?

No fucking way! How many bubble gum mascots do you know who have been kicking for three decades? My ugly mug is on shelves in fancy grocery stores and shitty bodegas, and I get enough residuals to keep a steady stream of lady ducks lining up outside my nest. Shit man, they’re gonna have to wheel me out of this gig duck feet first.

Every The Shins Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

As your standard-issue millennial hipster, I love The Shins. I wore out several iPods listening to them and The Postal Service, almost exclusively. Sure, I was introduced to the band through the 2004 film “Garden State,” but I quickly graduated to their actual albums. Despite my trepidation to watch Zach Braff’s movie now that I’m an adult, I am not at all hesitant to revisit The Shins’ records. I’m confident that they hold up. In fact, if you want to know exactly how well each album has stood the test of time, you can just check out the list below.

Honorable Mention: The Worm’s Heart (2018)

I, uh, don’t really know what to do with this one. It’s simultaneously not quite a remix album and not quite its own thing. It consists of alternate arrangements of each track from “Heartworms” and feels like it should have been released as a bonus disc for the album’s 25th-anniversary edition. Conceptually, it’s a pretty neat idea, and I like some of the tracks well enough. If I’m sitting down to listen to The Shins, though, I’m almost always going to ignore it in favor of their actual, y’know, albums.

 

 

5. Heartworms (2017)

Part of me wants to say that this album was where James Mercer ran out of creative gas. I mean, he shuttered the entire project without releasing another record after this one, so it kind of tracks, right? It’s very easy to think that the reason I never want to listen to “Heartworms” is because it’s just not a worthwhile listen. It couldn’t possibly be that I was closing in on thirty when it was released, right? I’m sure my appetite for indie pop will remain as insatiable as it was when I was a hormonal teenager, no matter how old I get. To think anything else would be admitting that my own colors are fading, and that’s impossible.

Play it again: “Cherry Hearts”
Skip it: “Painting a Hole”

4. Port of Morrow (2012)

I really do like “Port of Morrow,” in the way that you like a non-favored cat. See, unlike children, you’re allowed to like your pets to varying degrees — and even dislike them, if they suck. I don’t think “Port of Morrow” sucks, and I don’t dislike it, but my phone isn’t filled with pictures of it. When I get home from work, I don’t pet “Port of Morrow” before I greet my wife. I don’t even have a single nickname for it, let alone dozens like “Po-Po” or “Porty-Morty, My Handsome Little Soldier.” Still, I’ve definitely spent some happy hours curled up on the couch with it, and that’s not too shabby.

Play it again: “Simple Song”
Skip it: “40 Mark Strasse”

3. Oh, Inverted World (2001)

Please don’t get mad at me. I love this album! Some of the songs on it altered my brain chemistry on a fundamental level! Honestly, these top three are basically a 1A/1B/1C situation, but the ancient rules of ranking require me to put them into some kind of hierarchy. See, the system is to blame, not me. In any case, I’ll take Mercer’s advice. I will not betray the way I’ve always known it is: I probably listened to the “Garden State” soundtrack more times than “Oh, Inverted World,” and I don’t feel that bad about it.

Play it again: Natalie Portman told you the answer to this twenty years ago.
Skip it: “Weird Divide”

2. Wincing the Night Away (2007)

I’ll admit, a lot of my affection for “Wincing the Night Away” might have to do with the fact that I was a teenager going through my vinyl phase when it was released. Despite any hipster prejudice I might have had in favor of the rapidly-warping record sitting in direct sunlight on my bookshelf, it’s a great album. It still feels like it’s in the same vein as its two predecessors but with significantly better production. The band’s next two albums would see the dismissal of long-time members, and The Shins have never really felt the same since. So, if anyone is looking to buy a lovingly-used copy of this wonderful record, drop me a line.

Play it again: “Australia”
Skip it: “Pam Berry”

1. Chutes Too Narrow (2003)

It is just about impossible for me to listen to “Kissing the Lipless” and not follow through with a full-album listen of “Chutes Too Narrow.” From the moment those goofy little claps play in the intro, I am totally hooked. This is an earnest opinion, but I’ll admit that it’s a take that gave me a ton of indie cred in high school. “Oh, you like The Shins? Me, too! Except all of my favorite songs are from the album you’ve never even heard of, poser. Don’t worry; I’ll help you. You can take one of my earbuds and we’ll listen to it together. Please don’t look at my face during the bridge of “Young Pilgrims.” I will be crying.”

Play it again: “Young Pilgrims”
Skip it: “Those to Come” (Save yourself some time and just restart the album after “Gone for Good”)

Gaping Hole in Life Momentarily Filled With Purchase of Band Shirt

Posted on by Trevor Graham

TACOMA, Wash. — Local man Collin Pike very briefly filled the gaping hole of emptiness in his life by impulsively buying a band shirt he was served an ad for on social media, sources who didn’t look up from their phone report.

“So there I was just sitting and scrolling through Instagram for hours on end in a feeble attempt to just feel anything when suddenly I saw an ad for a repress of an old Green Day shirt I’ve always wanted,” said Pike, a 42-year-old account manager. “It was the ‘Kerplunk’ shirt, you know the one with the girl holding the gun? I Instantly clicked buy now and bought it (with express shipping) and for a depressingly short time period the wave of dopamine hit my system and helped me to briefly forget what a meaningless barren shell my life has become.”

His wife reports however that Collin’s shirt-buying habit may have an unforeseen downside.

“He does this all the time. He stays up late looking at his phone and buying random shirts from bands he liked when he was young,” said Molly Pike. “It’s become such a common thing for him that our closet is over-flowing band shirts. Last week he bought a Goatsnake shirt, Seriously, who is even listening to Goatsnake in 2023? And the worst part is instead of finding a fulfilling hobby or maybe even a job he doesn’t hate, he just keeps buying band shirts.”

Addiction expert Marla Cohen says for some breaking the cycle of the quick euphoric feeling from buying band shirts can be almost impossible to overcome.

“The phenomena of aging scenesters buying band shirts to try to feel something in their life has become an epidemic,” said Cohen. “My team has helped many recover from drugs including cocaine, oxycontin, and even heroin, but when it comes to sad middle-aged independent music fans buying old band shirts there really seems to be no cure. The worst part is that these record labels and music distros that push these shirts onto the public are complicit in this epidemic.”

At press time, Collin said he was trying to kick the habit of buying band shirts but had succumbed to his vices when he saw that Revelation Records had re-released the classic Champion brand Judge hoodie and he just “had to have it.”

Fill the gaping hole in your life, buy something from our store:

Las Vegas Tourists Checking Out Futuristic Sphere Tricked Into Listening to U2

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LAS VEGAS — Tourists recently visiting the Sphere attraction in Las Vegas expressed their displeasure with being tricked into listening to U2, according to sources still trying to get Discothèque out of their heads.

“We just wanted some pics of that cool building,” stated Virginian Travis Billings. “But as soon as we got close to the entrance, a short man wearing a black beanie pushed us inside, trapping us with thousands of others. At first we thought it was some kind of terrorist attack, but turns out it was a U2 concert. Larry Mullen Jr. and Adam Clayton confiscated everyone’s phones, while Bono chased down a woman from Denmark who made a run for it, clubbing her over the head with his microphone as a warning to others. Hours later when we finally got our phones back, their entire discography was downloaded onto them. In retrospect, maybe being kidnapped by Boko Haram would have been less painful.”

Frontman Bono explained that fooling people to attend their concerts was necessary.

“That’s showbiz, baby,” sang Bono while swaying slightly in place. “People think it’s easy packing an eighteen thousand seat venue every night, but they don’t realize how difficult it is to get people to willingly listen to ‘Zooropa.’ About half of our audience are made up of die-hard fans while the other half are mostly families just coming in to escape the oppressive desert heat, or as we like to call them, ‘easy pickins.’ Uh oh, looks like someone else is trying to escape. We’ll just let our pack of Rottweilers handle this one.” 

Mayor of Las Vegas Carolyn Goodman has received numerous complaints about the musicians.

“Just because this is the city where ‘anything goes’ doesn’t mean you can hold tourists hostage,” explained Goodman. “Since these guys came into town, not a week goes by when someone doesn’t complain about an impromptu U2 concert breaking out. And no place is safe, they’ve cornered people everywhere from random buffets to even car washes. I have no choice but to table a motion with the city council to add them to our list of invasive species. The next step is a cull.” 

At press time, a busload of German tourists realized that a mysterious new Cirque Du Soleil show they had never heard of turned out to be Bono giving a seven-hour TedTalk about dreams. 



Venue Owners Living Merch Cut to Merch Cut

Posted on by Mark Hassenfratz

DENVER – A recent study on the economic well-being of large corporate venue owners found that a surprising number are living merch cut to merch cut.

“It’s been a rough couple of years,” said John Hender, the head of Shining Star Entertainment Group and owner of the Tostitos Bowl, a 15,000-seat arena in Littleton. “Profit margins on $28 beers are the thinnest they’ve ever been and we’ve been looking for new revenue opportunities since bonuses ate away our PPP loan. Merch cuts definitely aren’t what they used to be, but they’re the only thing keeping the lights on in this place. Musicians make a living on their talent and creativity, and who could put a price on that? The least they can do is share their wealth. It’s a difficult choice for us and we don’t do it lightly, but musicians should be proud that their merch is helping us keep such a historic part of the local scene open during a difficult time.”

Despite many venue owners’ insistence that merch cuts would not exceed a meager 40% of sales, many musicians criticized the business opportunity.

“It’s absolute horseshit. We invest in the merch, we set it up, we do the inventory, all they do is provide a small sliver of real estate for us to set up our table and at the end of the night they won’t let us leave until they check out inventory counts” said bassist Clark Funtz of Denver-based alt-rock trio Spiteface. “I have to keep dodging the venue staff looking for their cut. Luckily I was able to trap one of them in a broom closet, but he’ll probably find his way out of there in a couple hours.”

Economists have noticed similar trends in other industries.

”Across the board, we’re seeing hard-working people having to tighten their belts in these trying times,” said market analyst Henry Ruddick. “I’ve seen payday loan companies triple their interest rates to make ends meet, and it’s sad to see such a predatory industry forced to do that. It doesn’t matter what your assets are in this economy–we’ve seen landlords getting backed into a corner by luxury car payments and being forced to raise rents just to put food on the tables. ”

At press time, corporate-owned venues were considering adding metered parking for tour buses in their parking lots.

How To Tell Your Friends You Love Them Without Sounding Like You’re About To Kill Yourself

Posted on by Alec Walker

Every time I tell my friends I love them, they don’t say it back. They just say, “Are you ok?” It’s sweet, but also a little weird that when I show the tiniest bit of emotion they take it as a sign I’m suicidal. This can’t be my fault, so it must be theirs. Here are some tips on how to tell your friends you love them without sounding like you’re about to kill yourself.

Tip #1 – Give them a gift that shows you love them instead of saying it.

Like, you could get them a pet chimpanzee! Nothing says “I love you” like giving someone an abnormal, unsolicited gift that requires highly specialized care. Every time they have to clean its stinky, dangerous cage, they’ll think of you.

Tip #2 – Love-bomb them.

An hour shouldn’t pass without sending a lengthy video about how much they mean to you. Require that they reciprocate, otherwise, you’ll send an even longer message cussing them out. Make the word love lose all meaning. Your friends can’t worry you’re about to kill yourself if it’s the preferred outcome!

Tip #3 – Scream it at them in public.

Explode the blood vessels in your eyes in rage. Rocket spit out of your foaming mouth as you burst their eardrums with your thunderous love-shouting. Doing this publicly with no awareness of all the people around you looking on in abject terror will subtly hint to your friends that you don’t want to kill yourself because you’ll probably kill them first.

Tip #4 – Preface every interaction with an unprompted “I promise I’m not going to kill myself.”

How could they think you’re going to kill yourself if you just said that you won’t? Oh, by the way, I promise I’m not going to kill myself.

Tip #5 – Threaten to kill yourself daily.

Seriously. I know this seems like it contradicts the previous tip, but in reality, it complements it. Any time you’re minorly inconvenienced, proclaim this is your last day on Earth, then never go through with it. If you’re constantly ping-ponging between life and death, they’ll just stop listening to you altogether.

Anyway, I promise I’m not going to kill myself. Let me know if these tips worked for you, and if not, I’m going to kill myself. I love you!

Eight Songs We Listened to This Week to Lure Jared Leto Down From The Empire State Building

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Music is supposed to be a great equalizer, but when your playlists come on friends scream at you and family members disown you. It’s devastating to feel so unwanted and you might be wondering where the rift began. Before you try to improve your taste in a futile attempt to worm yourself back into the hearts of loved ones, you should really let the professionals take over. Since said professionals refuse to return our phone calls, we’ve decided to take a stab at compiling a list of songs you can play to get your siblings and acquaintances to speak to you again.

Sleater-Kinney “Say It Like You Mean It”

Sleater-Kinney is currently preparing to release their eleventh album – and second since longtime drummer Janet Weiss left the band – ‘Little Rope.’ With production from the oft-coveted John Congleton, the album promises to continue the expansion of the group’s sound. Their latest single ‘Say It Like You Mean It’ cements their recent sonic explorations, tying lofty new-wave synth pads together with Carrie Brownstein and Corin Tucker’s angular guitar work and melodic sentiment. It’s a layered epic that calls to mind what your indie band might sound like if your guitarist tried to give a shit for once in their life.

Liquid Mike “Mouse Trap”

The dream of the ’90s is clearly thriving in Marquette, Michigan thanks to the prolific power-pop outfit Liquid Mike, whose most recent self-titled album recently took social media by storm this spring. Not intent on losing their ever-growing hype, the band announced yet another album, ‘Paul Bunyan’s Slingshot’ and released its lead single ‘Mouse Trap.’ It’s a bubbly and fuzzed out track that raises serious concerns about the supposed ‘American Dream.’ Imagine if Weezer never stopped being bad and managed to develop some lyrical bite for once and you’ll be in the ballpark of Liquid Mike.

Mother Mother “The Matrix”

Canada’s Mother Mother wants you to break out of your shell. On their latest single “The Matrix” – which precedes their upcoming ninth studio album, “Grief Chapter” – the band delivers a simple yet uplifting message: you and everyone you know is going to die. After you’re done sobbing about this, you can focus on the lyrics that encourage you to live your life once you’ve found the courage to break out of ‘The Matrix.’ With any luck, you won’t be covered in weird goopy shit like Keanu Reeves when you decide to finally leave your house.

cool sorcery “paranoid”

Have you ever wondered what Black Sabbath’s ‘Paranoid’ would sound like if it were played at nearly twice the tempo and had several organ solos? Wonder no more, because Brazilian producer Marcos Assis has delivered a nightmare cover of the track via his solo project cool sorcery. The rendition is as fun as it is confounding melding equal parts drone, punk, and psych into one of our favorite covers of the year.

Fuming Mouth “Respect & Blasphemy”

Fuming Mouth has been making absolutely bone-shattering metal for a decade now. Their latest and sophomore album ‘Last Day of Sun’ finds their lead singer and guitarist, Mark Whelan, processing his recent battle with leukemia, which is thankfully in remission. Themes of death and triumph play out as the band delivers its most powerful arrangements to date, as if all involved had been given a second chance at life. The relentless ‘Respect & Blasphemy’ rides a fine line between death metal and hardcore, resulting in some deliriously heavy riffs and breakdowns that would make even the hardest of contemporaries blush and run back to the drawing board.

Silent Planet “Offworlder”

Last week, California metalcore outfit Silent Planet released somewhat of a magnum opus with ‘Superbloom.’ It’s an intense ride that condenses several of the band’s best attributes while adding a futuristic sheen. Album highlight “Offworlder” showcases the past and future of Silent Planet and packs such a punch that one of our writers broke several thousand dollars worth of computer equipment in our office upon first listen.

Laura Jane Grace “Hole In My Head”

After two notably stripped back EP’s, ‘At War With The Silverfish’ and ‘Stay Alive,’ Laura Jane Grace announced her newest LP ‘Hole In My Head.’ She also shared the title track, which is a total fucking ripper and the loudest thing she’s done in years. Featuring Grace on both guitar and drums with bass provided by Matt Patton of Drive By Truckers, ‘Hole In My Head’ is a dazzling return to form for the singer-songwriter. Featuring her signature abrasive guitar work and patented scream along vocals, this track is sure to have you running to get you ill-fitting Against Me! shirt out of storage.

Jumprope “Oh Wow”

Now that the year is coming to an end, we’ve been combing through every single album and EP that has come out in 2023. We’ve only made it to February releases so far, which means we have been blessed with the sweet sounds of Texas garage-rock heroes ‘Jumprope.’ To celebrate the rediscovery, our Managing Editor has instituted a mandatory weekly fitness program called ‘Jumropin’ to Jumprope.’ There have been seven heart attacks in the writers’ room since.

Did you know that these songs are included on an official Hard Times playlist? Did you also know that there are like… a fuckton of other songs on it too? Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you have a finger on the pulse of modern alternative music.

“I Used to Dabble in Music” Says Man Referring to 4th Grade Rendition of “Hot Cross Buns” on Recorder

Posted on by Brisa Sylvestre

BURBANK, Calif. — Local showgoer Pete Tucker was seen telling a seasoned musician about how he also used to dabble in music himself, despite merely referring to his time spent playing “Hot Cross Buns” on the recorder in elementary school, several sources report.

“That’s right. I used to dip my toe in music here and there,” Tucker revealed to the band’s guitarist with the confidence of every rock star in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. “I had a pretty prolific music career ahead of me, if I wanted. I was a bit of a prodigy back in the day, but you know responsibilities get in the way when you’re nine years old. I found I couldn’t continue the pursuit of my musical talent after the fourth grade and left the industry. I could’ve easily been a modern-day Mozart if I stuck with it.”

Witnesses say things got dicey when guitarist Amanda Hodgkins began questioning Tucker about what instrument he played.

“I got the vibe he was trying to impress us so I asked Pete what he played and he brazenly responded ‘ahh…recorder, which is pretty much the same as a guitar if you really think about it’ but then quickly attempted to change the subject,” said Hodgkins. “I tried to act impressed but when I asked if he knew how to play any tunes he started saying ‘jeez is it getting hot in here or what?’ and tried to change the subject again. I’m not sure what the fuck that’s about but it’s always good to find out his range before I ask if he wants to jam on stage sometime.”

Pete’s fourth grade music teacher Francine Gibson confirmed his brief musical career.

“He was quite the spitfire on the recorder for four months in which he played the three notes of ‘Hot Cross Buns’ with pride and gusto,” said Gibson. “His career peaked at the fourth grade mandatory music performance in our auditorium after which he left the music class to pursue ‘more important things’ in Pete’s words such as playing on swings and raising a Tamagotchi. I’m happy to send along archival footage of the performance to whoever needs it, if he needs to make a demo tape of sorts.”

At press time, Pete was seen fumbling around his parents’ attic looking for his recorder to revive his musical talent for “Hot Cross Buns” in case the band reached out for a gig.