LEONIA, N.J. — Your dad recently asked for details about the house show you’re about to play as a backdoor excuse to get a sense of the square footage, neighborhood block association members confirmed.
“Nice, so load-in’s probably soon, right? I know load-in’s a thing…but, so how much space we talking in terms of square feet? And so, I see you’re using Sabian cymbals…any chance you might know the brand of water heater you’ll be setting these drums up next to? Even just a ballpark guess,” sputtered your dad as he arched his neck inquisitively, like a dog who was just asked if they wanted to go for a walk. “You know, because acoustically some brands of water heaters are, uh, more rockin’ to play nearby. Read that in Rolling Stones magazine. And is there perhaps a little shed-action going on in the side yard? That would be totally rock ‘n roll as well.”
Your dad’s interest was apparently rooted in a longstanding grudge with his neighbor, and owner of the house, Garry Erasthmus.
“Heh, I knew that Taurus-driving sonovabitch would be jealous. In fact, I had the whole damn basement renovated complete with a wet bar and jukebox completely loaded up with Allman Brothers Band just so his snot-nosed kid could report it back to him,” said Erasthmus while measuring the area to see if he could fit a Big Buck Hunter Machine in too. “Man oh man, I wish I could see the dumb look on his face when he hears that. He’s gonna need a new roof himself once that little nugget of information sends him shooting straight through it. I don’t know why other parents complain about their kids throwing shows in their basement…this is fuckin’ sweet.”
Licensed family psychologist Dr. Vanessa Mitchell-Carrera expressed her growing concern with your dad’s obsession with other people’s living situations.
“Well, at the risk of violating doctor-patient confidentiality, the man is slowly losing his mind. At our last session, he revealed that he had taken up skateboarding and dying his hair in hopes of infiltrating the house show unnoticed. Well, of course he promptly tore several ligaments in his knees and ankles,” said Mitchell-Carrera, as she shook her head gravely. “And dying your hair doesn’t necessarily scream ‘teenager’ when it’s just a scant ring of it around your male-pattern baldness-afflicted scalp. I think this man needs more help than I’m qualified to give. We may need to go the lobotomy route.”
At press time, the house show was halted entirely so the fire department could remove your dad from the chimney after he ventured in to check the ventilation.