8 Holiday Gifts To Make Your Dad Go “Oh!” Before Silently Putting It Away

Posted on by Greg Smith

The holiday season is here, which means it’s time to buy gifts!

You might have a plan for all your loved ones – but what about your dad? Why does it always seem so hard to get something that will excite the man who raised us? You can only buy a man ties so many times before it’s awkward for both of you.

If you’re looking for variety in your gift-giving this year, check out these eight holiday gifts that will inspire a loud “Oh!” from your father before he silently puts the gift away and doesn’t make eye contact. Happy shopping!

Monogrammed Socks

It’s a cliche for a reason: dads love socks. So why not personalize your stylish pops with his initials? This custom-made gesture will make your dad squint at the letters, say “What does this say?”, then say “Got it” when you tell him it’s his initials. That’s the most conversation you’ve had all holiday!

Old Forester Whiskey

This classic Kentucky spirit has a rich, mature taste, perfect for your dad after a long day shoveling snow. Watch his eyes light up – and by “light up,” we mean “look at the bottle for one full minute, start to say something which causes everyone else in the room to lean forward expectantly, then close his mouth and put the whiskey on the back porch because ‘there’s not enough room in the fridge.'”

“American Prometheus” by Kai Bird and Martin J. Sherwin

How about American Prometheus, the inspiration for Christopher Nolan’s Oppenheimer, a film your dad started snoring in during the big bomb test scene? Bird and Sherwin’s definitive text on a key figure in American history will be sure to sit dusty on his bedside table on top of other books you’ve given him.

Cooking Classes

Is your dad a wizard on the grill, or a Food Network fanatic? Then treat him to cooking classes from a local chef. Fun and practical, this interactive gift will keep your papa busy and your mama fed for years to come. That is if the chef guy ever does classes other than Wednesdays. Your dad’s busy Wednesday nights. That’s when he plays cards with his college friends. And that’s all he’ll say when he sees this gift. And that’s fine!!!!!!!!!!

USB Record Player

There’s a rad collection of vinyl in the basement, but no way to listen to them! Give your father the gift of music and the bridging between past and present with a hi-tech, hi-fi USB record player. Not only will this play your dad’s retro Chicago records with onboard speakers, but he can digitize and play them all on a phone or mp3 player! First, you’ll have to remind him he has a record collection. Then, you’ll have to remind him his smartphone can play music. Then, you’ll have to explain that you spent “this much money” because you’ve always felt like you bonded over music. Then he’ll ask “What music?” and you’ll say “The record collection” and you’ll be stuck in that temporal loop until it’s time to fly back home. Isn’t technology cool?

The Righteous Cup of Aldimore

Grasped from the hand of corrupt King Ludencior and cleansed by the beautiful Druid of the Lake, the Righteous Cup of Aldimore grants whoever drinks from it the gift of Healing Magick. Your dad will love listening to this long explanation of lore as he stares at the gift, and you’ll love him going “Huh” before putting it on the table without a coaster and folding his arms for the rest of Christmas.

A Sonogram of Your Child

You’ve known you’re pregnant for two months, but you’ve been waiting to surprise your family for the holidays. You hand a plain-looking folder to your mom; when she opens it, she screams and cries. You hand the sonogram to your sister; she hugs you and tells you she’s proud of you. Here it comes. The moment of truth. Your dad takes the document, the proof of life, the promise that his family name will carry on for generations after him. His eyes scan up and down. He nods, clears his throat, and says, “Alright.” He then places the sonogram next to a printedout gift card to Dick’s Sporting Goods.

Uhhhhhh Golf Balls?

Fuck it, who cares.

Man Making Living As Musician Always Forgets to Mention He’s Married to Heiress

Posted on by Tyler Roland

LOS ANGELES — Local musician Brian Herring is reportedly making a decent living as a working musician but is reluctant to mention his marriage to multimillionaire Jess Wilson, partial heiress to the $1.2 billion Wilson family fortune, fed-up sources confirmed.

“I’m playing shows to tens of people every Thursday night downtown at Bongo’s Open Mic, it’s amazing looking out into the crowd from the six-inch-high stage and seeing these people nodding along to the eight minutes of songs I play,” Herring bragged from the studio he was paid thousands of dollars to build in his backyard. “And those sweet Bandcamp Friday checks got me my new Porsche 911 outside. I’ve got Jack Antonoff on speed dial to produce my next EP. Honestly, I don’t get why people say you can’t make money and be successful from your art.

“It’s 100% possible if you put in the daily grind and stop being so fucking lazy,” Herring declared as he picked up his 1940 Martin D-28 acoustic guitar to write a new ballad.

Herring’s acquaintance, Art Bronson, claims to see through his act, and swears that Herring would be in poverty without his wife.

“Jess constantly keeps him afloat and Briand barely even acknowledges her. She legitimately loves his music and cheers for him at every gig and he acts like he doesn’t know her. Hell, his liner notes have zero shoutouts to the computer chip empire that made this all possible for him,” Bronson complained. “She pays these guys who work for the big labels to listen to his shit and they just laugh her out of the room. He thinks he’s got something special but his music is The 1975-level basic, generic, vanilla shit. Just own up to having a nine-figure fortune, asshole.”

Music industry insider Clara Cypher says this sort of support is common in the world of music today.

“With the total domination of streaming now, the vast majority of professional musicians are making an annual income somewhere in the double digits at best. I’ve seen dudes with Grammys mow lawns to make ends meet. Your best bet for success is having a wealthy partner that is generous enough to support your little hobby,” said Cypher. “You only have two options as a musician to make a genuine living: sell out arenas or have direct access to a trust fund.”

At press time, Herring was telling his sister-in-law, a full-time professional tarot reader, about his new single.

50 Punk, Hardcore, Metal, And Indie Albums We Listened To In 2023 That We Legally Can’t Call A ‘Year-End List’

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

2023 is coming to an end. Another remarkable year that proves true the old adage: ‘yes, things actually can and will get worse, and boy howdy with gusto even!’ While you might be thinking that there are way more important things going on in the world than reading about what a comedy writing staff listened to this year, we – and perhaps mostly in our own self-interest – wholeheartedly would beg to differ.

Without music, we would have to suffer the onslaught of devastating news in total silence and without publications to tell us what music was objectively cool, we would all look like dweebs while avoiding said news. That’s where we come in.

Seeing as we’re trusted and notable experts in the field of hip new sounds, we’ve compiled some albums that have really stuck with us through these awful last twelve months. Maybe listening to them can help you pretend to feel something as well.

In no particular order – and please remember we said that before you comment – here are 50 Punk, Hardcore, Metal, and Indie albums that our lawyers have said under no circumstance can be referred to as our ‘year-end list.’

Speedy Ortiz “Rabbit Rabbit”

You know that whole sequence in “Inception” where gravity is all fucked up and Joseph Gordon Levitt keeps floating around and bouncing off the walls and shit? That’s what listening to “Rabbit Rabbit” feels like. You never really get your footing, courtesy of the strange syncopations, rolling guitars, and overall math-y compositions. This is by no means a bad thing–the quartet are venturing out from their indie rock/grunge pop roots into something a little less palatable, but way more exciting. “Cry Cry Cry” in particular is a standout, but the whole thing should be consumed from start to finish, ideally while smoking a fat J and sinking into the couch. – Colleen Nerney – Managing Editor

Jeff Rosenstock “HELLMODE”

DIY-Punk Veteran Jeff Rosenstock has always flirted with the grandiosity that smothers his latest effort, but he’s never quite pulled the trigger in such an obvious way until now. Armed with a much larger recording budget than usual and arguably the most notoriety he’s amassed thus far in his storied career, Rosenstock delivered an absolute masterpiece with “HELLMODE.” The sparkling production only serves to enhance the gritty power-pop fans like me have come to expect, and the lyrical themes of impending apocalypse, self-discovery, and the never-ending search for hope make this record one of Rosenstock’s most vulnerable and endearing efforts in years. – Corey Montgomery – Contributor

Upchuck “Bite The Hand That Feeds”

Atlanta’s Upchuck gained quite a reputation for their chaotic live shows and unforgivingly visceral sound. Perhaps the most shocking of all of the band’s abilities is their ability to slow things down at just the right moments to tap into lead singer KT’s innate pop sensibilities. Their latest Ty Segall produced LP, ‘Bite The Hand That Feeds’ – is full of these moments. Blending minimalist production with indie-pop hooks large enough to land a whale shark, the band possesses the ability to lull you into a dream state just before throwing you right back into a fucking wall. If they keep it up, punk and hardcore kids across the nation might actually learn to dance for a change. -CM

Snõõper “Super Snõõper”

What would Devo sound like if they were given the Alvin & The Chipmunks treatment and left to simmer in a vat of LSD? The answer: Snõõper. Nashville’s breakout act left me thoroughly stunned with their debut album ‘Super Snõõper.’ It’s a wild ride that packs 14 bite-sized anthems into a crisp 22 minutes, rarely stopping to give anyone in the band a chance to take a breath. There is hardly a song over 40 seconds long throughout the runtime and they still manage to fit a bitchin’ guitar solo in almost every track. 10 out of 10 Hard Times Boots or whatever. – CM

Acacia Strain “Failure Will Follow”

The Acacia Strain has long been legendary in the deathcore scene seeing as they kind of invented it. They are so influential that some bands have built entire careers out of imitating their sound and replacing nihilistic lyrics with very stupid ones. But here’s what we all know: no matter what genre you may specialize in, every cool band listens to doom metal in the van. We’ve seen traces of this phenomenon in their tracks before, but never throughout an entire release. So, of course, I was beyond excited when I learned of this seemingly bonus record. Ever wondered what it would be like if Dopesmoker were actually good? Give this a shot. – Matt McInerney – Contributor

feeble little horse “Girl With Fish”

You’d be forgiven for labeling feeble little horse under the “slacker indie” moniker. But a deeper listen reveals some stunningly perfect songwriting and earworm melodies that belie the music’s apparent effortlessness. Not only does this album hook you from front to back with choice cuts like “Paces” and “Pocket,” it makes the members of feeble little horse seem like a fun hang. And the older I get, the more of a compliment that becomes. – John Danek – Contributor

Home Front “Games of Power”

It can be easy to get lost in the rabbit hole of all the sub-sub-sub-sub-sub genres of music these days. Every once in a while, though, you stumble upon a gem. This gaggle of energetic Canucks known as Home Front are just one of those gems. Their sound combines elements of electro-pop with finger-pointing singalongs and wildly even a dash of goth-y deathrock. Sure, there are some borrowed sounds from the ‘80s and ‘90s in there but they are able to work some Canadian magic into it and create something fully of their own. If dancing wasn’t such a stupid thing to do I’d almost be inclined to awkwardly move myself around while listening to this whole damn album. – Trevor Graham – Contributor

Slow Pulp “Yard”

Slow Pulp’s highly anticipated sophomore album, “Yard” pays homage to that saucy little new buzzword ‘countrygaze,’ a genre which took everyone’s Spotify Wrapped by storm this year and provoked questions like ‘what does that even mean?’ For all the buzz, it certainly does not disappoint. Fuzz-forward instrumentals accentuated by light floaty vocals seem to be their speciality at this point and boy do they deliver on that front. Matched with lyrics about the mundanities of life like menstrual cycles and summer crushes, ‘Yard’ is – simply put – music for the soul. – Elanna White – Contributor

Bully “Lucky For You”

Bully is celebrating nearly a decade of its existence as a project and lead singer/songwriter Alicia Bognanno has been relentlessly touring her latest, and excellent album, ‘Lucky for You,’ to mark the occasion. At this point, Bully has rightfully earned a place on the Mount Rushmore of modern punk rock. On second thought, the founding fathers never released an album, so maybe they should just be replaced by punks who have actually positively contributed to American society like Bognanno. – Neel Bhakta – Contributor

Drain “Living Proof”

Possibly the most anticipated album of the year, the follow-up to their 2020 hardcore masterclass “California Cursed” sees the band level up in every way possible. Thrash meets hardcore breakdowns meets metal riffs meets Santa Cruz surf punk. If you haven’t seen them live yet, your New Year’s resolution for 2024 should be to rectify that ASAP; just remember to bring your bathing suit and life jacket. Who has more fun than Drain? – Steve Esparra – Contributor (Pick up a copy in our store)

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15 Wacky, DIY, “Home Alone” Style Traps Ranked by How Poorly the Wet Bandits Would Handle Them

Posted on by James Knapp

The Wet Bandits are not what anyone would call criminal masterminds. But following our mandatory annual Hard Times staff rewatch of “Home Alone,” we’re not totally sure that Harry and Marv are even functional human beings. The amount of physical abuse they suffer and live through in the film is more on the level of Frankensteins than it is living men with a healthy understanding of mortality. So we decided to put them up against a slew of our own zany, DIY home defense inventions to see how well they held it together. Spoiler alert: it’s bad. They did bad.

15. Wet Floor

It’s hard to believe that career criminals could be thwarted by something so easily avoided by the installation of a “Caution” sign. And yet, as we see in the films, these The Wet Bandits are not averse to slip-sliding Dick Van Dyke style over every slick surface they come across. Someone really should replace that sign already.

14. Rickety Ladder With Top Rung Sawed Through

There’s a chance they’d test the ladder mildly before trying to climb it only to end up crashing down comically into a bunch of Micro Machines or firecrackers or some such shit. Easily avoidable, which is how we know they’ll crash down comically right into it.

13. Boxing Glove on a Big Spring

There’s really not much to this one. Spring goes back, then pops out, then someone gets hit in the dick so hard it nearly detaches. Maybe Harry has an okay chance at dodging the boxing glove, but you know Marv is right behind him ready to bear the full brunt of a spring-loaded fist to the testicles.

12. Taser Fan

A ceiling fan with a bunch of tasers tied to the blades that just keep spinning around and around and around and around. All a person has to do to get past it is to simply not walk directly under it – something that both bandits are likely to do near immediately upon encountering the taser fan.

11. Nets!!!

Though they may seem a simple obstacle, nets are a frustrating nuisance to even competent criminals. Toss one of these over Harry and Marv and they’ll get so entangled they’ll end up strangled in their own wet banditry.

10. T-Shirt Cannon Fusillade

We’re guessing this would require a whole lot of string to make them all fire at the same time. And also, we dunno, clamps? Like to keep the t-shirt cannons in place. Whatever, it was enough to kill Maude Flanders so it’s definitely enough to at least knock these jokers off a roof or something.

9. The Breakfast Making Machine From “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”

This one isn’t a trap. Fuck, it isn’t even “Home Alone” canon. Its only job is to make you a full, delicious breakfast through the magic of Rube Goldbergian madness. And after the Wet Bandits take it on they’ll both come away from it with half of their faces missing. That’s the kind of bunglers we’re dealing with here.

8. Landmines Made of Legos

Stepping on a Lego with your bare feet is absolute hell. Stepping on a Lego and then having a hundred other Legos explode two feet under your taint – fuck, just lay down and die already dude.

7. McDonald’s Ball Pit Filled With Cobras

We already know these guys can’t keep it together against even a single tarantula. So a ’90s-era McDonald’s PlayPlace filled with the most venomous snakes on earth is gonna leave these bozos in absolute shreds.

6. Coconut Catapult

It throws coconuts. Quite hard actually. It would put a normal man in a coma but for the Wet Bandits there’s no need to even attempt to dodge it – and don’t worry, they weren’t gonna try anyway.

5. Molotov Cocktails on a String

An augmentation of the classic paint can on a string that swings down the stairs and smashes you in the face, this time you light the Molotov before you swing it down and soak the goons at the bottom of the stairs with fire. Yep, they’re dead.

4. 2 by 4 with a Nail Through It

Sometimes, simpler is better. The piece of wood with a rusty nail in it is a classic of DIY violence. And somehow these idiots fall victim to it every time. Terrible.

3. The Box That Schrodinger Put That Cat In

There’s a thought experiment that goes that if you put a cat in a box with a vial of poison set to break at a predetermined yet unknown time then you must assume that, without looking in the box, the cat currently exists in two states of being – alive and dead. It remains that way until you open the box and collapse the experiment. And now if that explanation seems at all confusing to you, then how confusing do you think it’s going to seem if you put the two fuckwits who couldn’t figure out how to dodge a BB gun in that box instead.

2. Nets Again!!!

The same as the last time except now the net is filled with wolverines. RIP Wet Bandits.

1. Trapdoor Acid Vat With Knives, Nail Guns and, What the Hell, Throw a Few Cobras In There For Good Measure

Fall through the trapdoor and into a world of pain. Considering that neither Harry nor Marv ever even seem to think about where they’re about to set their feet down, we are confident they would not be able to avoid the fall. And after that, it’s just a matter of which lethal bit of the contraption takes them out. We still hope it’s the cobras though.

Trump Immigrant Rhetoric Polling Well Among Nextdoor Users

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WATERLOO, Iowa — A recent independent poll found Donald Trump’s draconian immigrant policies were polling overwhelmingly positive among users of the social media network Nextdoor, political strategists reported.

“Despite already knowing everyone in this neighborhood’s personal business, I’m on Nextdoor constantly to monitor everyone’s movements and report every time I hear a dog barking. We need Donald Trump to do something about this country’s immigration problem and keep our towns safe. It feels like I’m constantly posting about noises six blocks away from me that are gunshots or fireworks,” said gated community resident Sandy Bluth. “I’ve been living here for 40 years, and you better believe if some brown family moves in next door I’m going to protect my country by documenting their whereabouts 24/7.”

Nextdoor developers have battled to combat racist rhetoric for years, but lately have been unable to keep it at bay.

“We have strict anti-discrimination rules and regulations that users are supposed to adhere to, but it’s been impossible to stem this red tide. Most of our users already shit on their existing neighbors, we should’ve figured thousands of echo chambers filled with pearl-clutching busybodies would overwhelmingly believe immigrants are poisoning their communities,” said site developer Curtis Jones. “On the other hand, we’ve seen a 300% spike in new users in the aftermath of Trump’s comments, even if most of these people just joined to stalk non-English speaking neighbors who are out on walks.”

The independent polling firm conducting the survey noted that many seemingly neutral social media sites were hotbeds for political activity.

“Most Americans have relied on the bigger social media sites to battle in the political arena, but we’ve discovered that even sites which should have no political leanings have their enclaves,” said Margaret Sommers. “Sure, it’s a fact that Nextdoor is full of community moderator Karens who’ll quash any talk about race, but you’d be surprised to hear how many Libertarians worship the free market on Roblox. And anyone who’s a regular user of Pinterest should know that we’ve found it completely overrun by super left-wing anti-vaxx homeschooling moms.”

A separate poll also indicated that Nextdoor users also resonated with Trump’s stance of replacing the Department of Homeland Security with an HOA.

Duck With Corkscrew Penis Assures Girlfriend They All Look Like That

Posted on by Kelley Greene

BOSTON — Local mallard Ruddy assured his girlfriend that his odd corkscrew-shaped penis is what all duck phalluses look like, perturbed sources confirmed.

“So we’d been on a few dates — a swim around the pond, a harborside stroll, dinner at the park by a lady with a bag of millet — and everything had been going great. Then, the other night, we started getting hot and heavy and within a third of a second that…thing fired out and scared the hell out of me!” said Pondy, Ruddy’s girlfriend. “It looks insane, like something out of a horror movie. Or cavatappi pasta. But Ruddy handled it really well. He explained that this was totally normal and all of them look like they can open a bottle of wine. After a few sips of spilled beer and sleeping with several dozen other ducks to compare and contrast, I started feeling a lot more secure in our relationship. It’s not the shape of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean.”

Ruddy continued to defend his downstairs situation.

“You know, it can be tough when good guys like me are constantly being judged over the fact that some ducks can’t have a normal relationship with a female and we had to evolve these things so we could actually procreate for the good of our species,” said the mallard. “And to be fair, mine is a little bigger than average anyway, so that’s probably what threw her off. At least I’m not an Argentine Lake Duck, those guys are hung as hell.”

Dr. Richard Gelphman, a duck urologist, confirmed Ruddy’s statements.

“It is perfectly normal for a male duck to have a penis shaped like the least useful part on a swiss army knife, and for it to sit inside-out up inside their bodies until copulation when they fling out at a high rate of speed,” said Dr. Gelphman. “Honestly, Pondy should probably be relieved — duck penises can have ridges, teeth, and even barbs. Luckily, female ducks have some control over which potential partners they mate with by relaxing or contracting their cloacas. Also, if you’re wondering how to get into duck urology, it helps if you’re kind of a freak.”

At press time, Ruddy’s penis was beginning to shrink to 10% of its current size, and he could be overheard telling Pondy that that is a completely normal thing that happens to every duck at the end of mating season.

Five Ways To Pass the Time While Waiting To Spin Your Chair Around and Surprise Your Nemesis

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Congratulations, you’ve managed to sneak into your nemesis’ inner sanctum (or home office). Now all that’s left to do is wait in their extra tall desk chair to spin around the moment they walk into the room. While this looks unbelievably cool on film, playing the waiting game can take hours if you got there early to beat traffic or sneak past the guards. Here are five ways to kill time before delivering retribution.

Think Up a Clever One Liner

It’s one thing to take them by surprise, but it’s even more satisfying to twist the knife and hit them with a witty remark before they get a word in edgewise. Hit ‘em with “Home so soon?” or an “I was worried you haven’t received my invitation!” and revel in their surprise. Hopefully, the time you spent calculating your plan included taking improv classes for this moment.

Pop Over to the Animal Shelter for a Lap Cat

If you have time to sneak away for a spell, why not do a good deed and adopt a serious-looking mackerel tabby? It might be a cliche, but it’s fun to have a little minion even if all they do is sit there and judge. It would put an exclamation point on your reveal, especially if your nemesis is deathly allergic.

Hone in on the Speech Where You Reveal Your True Intentions

You’re probably jacked up from the adrenaline, so don’t get ahead of yourself and spill the beans with some Metal Gear Solid length diatribe about your master plan. You want to really stick it to them, but if you broke into their study early enough there’ll be enough time to cut out extraneous phrases. Remember: harangue once, edit twice!

Eat a Snack

Face it, you’re gonna get hungry and spinning your chair too fast on an empty stomach can make you sick. Bring something from home like a buttered roll but avoid anything involving a wrapper. You can’t catch your nemesis off guard if they walk in the room to find you in the middle of throwing away a Funyuns bag.

Survey the Room for Anything You Can Use as a Makeshift Weapon

For all the romanticizing of getting the drop on your adversary, it’s easy to neglect the fact they’re probably going to be really fucking mad. If your nemesis is the “kill or be killed” type, why not mentally scan the room for something that’ll subdue them, or at the very least prevent them from stabbing you. Fancy candelabras and thick leather-bound books provide a good balance of offense and defense. If they’re the modern type, you can always strangle them with an ethernet cable.

Horror Punk Band Inspired By A24 Only Writes Songs About Family Trauma

Posted on by Mark Hassenfratz

WICHITA, Kan. — Local horror punk outfit Shattered Heirloom reportedly only writes songs about family trauma as they are influenced by indie entertainment company A24, according to eyewitness reports from fans and scene participants.

“There’s no ghoul or goblin that’s anywhere near as scary as what’s inside the head of someone raised in a toxic family environment,” said Ambrose Pruchitt, frontperson of Shattered Heirloom. “We carefully curate our onstage color palettes to make us look like characters out of a twisted lullaby instead of some schlocky B-movie. It’s an elevated music experience, with no cheap guitar thrashing or drum solos. Our songs are designed to make you look inward at the demon you’ve become as a result of your mom yelling at you because you forgot about a science fair project.”

Other members of the niche subgenre disagree with Pruchitt’s thematic choices regarding songwriting.

“Look, I didn’t get into this kind of music to do more thinking,” said Willa Gilbert, vocalist of The Skulkers. “You think I wear all this makeup and spikes and shit because I wanna sing about paternal dynamics, the lasting effects of trauma, and heavy-handed metaphors? Fuck off with that. This may look goofy to some people, but it’s important work keeping the spirit of Halloween alive year-round. Like it or not, those pretentious douchebags wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the Misfits, so shut up, put some facepaint on, and write me some songs about slimy zombie teens from outer space.”

According to film historian Nick DeRosa, these trends indicate a larger shift rippling through the film and music worlds.

“Due to growing pressure from outlets like Letterbox and Film Twitter, we’re seeing cinephiles of all stripes forced to imbue their favorite films with deeper meaning to give the impression they’re doing something more intellectually stimulating than sitting there on the couch watching a movie,” said DeRose. “There’s greater cultural demand to have something to be a smug little git about, and that void is getting filled. We can only hope the Death Stranding movie brings the trifecta of games, film, and music snobs together.”

At press time, Shattered Heirloom dedicated a song to anyone impacted by the life-changing trauma of seeing their parents get divorced at 50.

20 Christmas Gifts That Say “I Am Between Jobs”

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

So you’re unemployed for the holidays. Bummer. You might be starting to wonder how you’re going to afford Christmas gifts this year. I mean, you can’t NOT get people presents. That goes against everything this country stands for. Well, don’t worry, there are plenty of affordable gift options for you to choose from! We’re here to recommend some of our favorites that truly say, “I am between jobs.”

Loose CDs

Look no further than the floor of your car. Between the crumpled Burger King bags and wad of used tissues under the passenger seat, you’ll find the holy grail: loose CDs. Loose CDs are a budget-friendly find when you want to show your loved one that music knows no bounds (including that of a case). This gift is not unlike your newfound freedom, having finally shed the shackles of capitalism for an indeterminate amount of weeks or months.

Stick of Gum

This affordable gift works wonders when your loved one is in desperate need of a little freshening up. A single stick of gum is all they really need when they’re in a pinch. Who wants the whole pack, anyway? They’re not trying to take up that much room in their pockets. Besides, you’re gonna need fresh breath, too, for all those upcoming interviews. Might as well keep the rest!

Pet Rock

Say hello to nature’s gift—rocks! A pet rock is totally free and completely satisfying for friends. Just pick any cool-looking rock from the side of the road, throw it in a box, and tell people it’s a pet. There’s absolutely no way anyone will give you push back on this. Especially since you walked all the way to their house now that your car has been repossessed.

Jacket From Lost & Found

Your loved one will be stunned when you show up with a designer jacket. Do they need to know where you got it or why it smells like corn chips? Hell no! Just call your local movie theater and ask them if they have any black jackets left behind by patrons and voila! You’ve got yourself a sweet present for the fashionista in your life. It might be two sizes too big, but it definitely has character. And maybe even a spare $5 in the pocket you can keep all to yourself.

Half-Full Wine Bottle

At a time like this, you’ve gotta look at the glass half-full—kind of like that wine bottle you tried to kill last night, but ended up falling asleep halfway through. This affordable gift comes straight from Albertsons’ BOGO deal. You aren’t buying anything unless it’s deeply discounted, so this is a perfect option. Threw away the cork? No problem, just shove a wad of foil in there.

Wallet Condom

Remember that old condom in your wallet that’s been sitting untouched for the last four years? Well, it’s finally time to whip it out. This is the perfect way to show that you care about your loved one’s privates and sexual health. There’s nothing more warm and fuzzy than the gift of protection from unwanted pregnancy and STDs. If you can’t afford a whole box of condoms, this will do the trick for at least one sexual encounter. Just make sure to double-check the expiration date on that puppy!

Chipotle Gift Card (Not Sure How Much Is Left On It)

You’ve probably got a Chipotle gift card floating around in your desk drawer somewhere, right? You know, that one you may have used a couple months ago, but there’s totally still money on it (just not enough for a burrito bowl). You’re gonna be cooking a lot the next few months, so why not gift it to a friend? Don’t tell them how much is left on it, so their total at the register will be a fun surprise!

Sock Puppet

If you think these are just for kids, think again. This shit slaps hard no matter how old you are. All you need is a single sock (not even a pair!) and some googly eyes. The fun will last for hours. Maybe even days. Just make sure to wash the sock before gifting it. And don’t use any socks that seem to be hard or crusty…

Dentist’s Office Pens

Branded pens from the dentist’s office are a fun way to reveal your favorite orthodontist without being over the top about it. It’s all about the subtle details. The best part? Your dentist won’t care how many you take. Just think how many people could be getting a pen with the phrase “tooth hurty” on it! Maybe all this marketing you’re doing for them will earn you a free teeth cleaning?

Spare Lightbulb

No gift is more thoughtful than a spare lightbulb, especially an old incandescent. You can’t buy those relics of the recent past anymore. We’re all gonna need one eventually. Except for you. No need to spend extra money on the electricity bill right now. You should really bust out the candles right now and start living a little more humbly. You’re welcome for the bright idea!

Welcome Mat

If you still have a roof over your head, chances are you’ve got a welcome mat. It may have been left there by a previous tenant, but it’s yours now to gift to whomever you want! The great news is those things withstand plenty of wear and tear, so it won’t look noticeably used unless you threw up on it when you got fired or something. Even then, a good hose down is a great way to jazz it up!

McDonald’s Napkins

Once you make your dollar menu selection, be sure to grab a few fistfuls of napkins to give your favorite person. Don’t worry if some of them are grease-stained from the Big Mac in the to-go bag. It’s the thought that counts. And the amount of money you can save by gifting an item readily available to the public without purchase.

Gutter Cigarette

Have you ever seen a lone cigarette, completely new and ready to be puffed, dangling dangerously at the mouth of a gutter? Looks like someone just dropped a brand-new one and left it there. Don’t you wish that thing had a second life? Don’t let it go to waste—gift it to your pal who may or may not be jonesing for one. A quick dusting off is all you need before wrapping it up.

Stolen 7-11 Keychain

Do you still have that keychain you stole from 7-11 ten years ago? Well guess what, this is the budget-conscious gift that keeps on giving. Yes, it may be one of those name keychains that has your name on it instead of theirs, and it doesn’t light up anymore, but at least they’ll always know who it was from. Now, that’s a heartwarming gift that will forever be nostalgic of something they never experienced.

Restaurant Matches

A box of matches can be enjoyed by all. Need to start a fire? Wanna light a candle? Did you take a huge dump? Problem solved. Not only will matches come in handy, but your loved one will always have a nice little novelty item from your favorite Italian restaurant. One day, you’ll be able to pay for a meal there again, and that hope keeps you going.

Pasta Necklace

You might think these are just something you make in kindergarten, but the joke’s on you—you can make these at any age as long as you have a box of pasta. This necklace is a great conversation piece and lasts for years as long as your loved one doesn’t boil it. Suck it, Etsy. You’re a true artisan. Hey, maybe you could make this your side hustle for some extra cash…

Roll of Toilet Paper From Public Restroom

Taking a public restroom’s TP is a victimless crime. They don’t know how much you need, and what if you have an extremely messy situation that requires an entire roll? How would they ever know? It’s perfectly acceptable to take multiple rolls and distribute them as gifts. It won’t hurt to stock your own bathroom with them! Plus, the rough, thin paper will help toughen up your butthole.

Car Manual

Let’s face it, you only use your car manual like once or twice possibly ever. Why not give it to your loved one as some light reading material for their next long trip? This gift is perfect for the special someone in your life who’s an avid reader. They’ll love the practical graphics! Maybe they can start learning what that light on your dashboard means and you can skip the mechanic?

Cardboard Box

Do you have a cardboard box that hasn’t been recycled yet? Maybe the box your boss made you put all of your belongings in on your last day of employment? Well guess what! It can double as a rocket ship, a secret fort, or a racecar. The possibilities are endless, really. This gift is all about imagination, which you’ll be using a lot of when determining how you’re going to make rent this month.

Bed Bath & Beyond Coupon

Saving the best for last, a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon always hits. You can’t spend a lot of money, but your loved one can! Give them 20% off forever with the gift that never expires. A significant discount on a squatty potty, some picture frames, or a new pillow will give anyone a healthy dose of Christmas cheer. Hopefully you too, since your insurance ran out and you can’t touch base with your therapist for a while. At least one of you will be thriving!

Woman With No Vacation Time Treats Self to Week of Increased Drug Use

Posted on by Kathy Lynch

LOS ANGELES — Software engineer Christina Perry pampered herself with a restorative seven-day weed and cough medicine binge to make up for her lack of paid time off, reported sources from her local dispensary and CVS.

“I used all three of my vacation days earlier this year because I had to move, but I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed. So I’m going to revive myself by getting high every night without feeling guilty,” explained Perry while ripping a bowl next to a pile of dirty takeout containers. “Instead of burdening myself by enjoying hobbies or contacting friends and family after work, I zone out and watch Netflix shows about beautiful destinations I’ll never be able to travel to, surrounded by my own filth. This is self-care, OK? Slamming Nyquil to fall asleep is going to make me feel like shit tomorrow, but it’s all part of the process.”

Perry’s boyfriend Nate Stuart wondered whether going on a planned bender was an effective form of coping.

“I like getting high as much as anyone else, but I don’t think detaching from life on the couch for 10 hours a day is the life Christina dreamed of,” said Stuart while helping himself to her weed. “At first, I thought it was cute that she made herself a little nest in our living room, but now it’s day six and it just seems sad. She says being high will inspire her to spend more time on art, but she’s currently so obliterated that she forgot how blankets work. I would ask her how she’s feeling, but I have to head over to my second job.”

Elaine Harrell of Wall Street Journal discussed the economic benefits of letting employees spiral into self-destructive behaviors instead of giving them more paid time off.

“Even though an extra week of vacation would help prevent burnout, we recommend that business owners force employees to just barely scrape by. This will ensure that you keep being able to buy more houses, and that workers continue blowing money on things to numb themselves with,” said Harrell while looking at her latest gift basket of bribes from JPMorgan. “And don’t worry–those suckers won’t unionize! They can’t afford to lose their family’s health insurance. But it’s really best for everyone this way, because every time an employee feels too scared to call in sick, the nation’s GDP grows by 1%.”

At press time, Perry was also seen treating herself to racking up additional credit card debt on food delivery orders because she was admittedly “too fucked up to cook.”