LOS ANGELES – Local mom Sally Perryman continues to worry that her daughter’s longtime close friend Josephine Lukas — originally met via an online message board for emo band Left of Kin — could still be a violent criminal, confirm sources who can no longer remember their 2000s website passwords.
“I don’t care that it’s been almost 20 years. You can’t trust people you ‘meet’ on the internet,” insisted the elder Perryman. “I’ll never forget when Annie showed me a photo with the two of them after the first time they met the band. This Josephine character had tattoos of musical notes that I’m sure are secretly gang-related, and a disgusting lip ring. Anyone who listens to all that very aggressive music and went by ‘DeadDreaming327’ on a message board is definitely still a potential serial killer who could also be giving my daughter hard drugs. Annie always rolled her eyes at that and told me Josephine was ‘straight edge.’ Is that something with knives? I don’t like it.”
Annie Perryman explained that contrary to her mother’s ongoing concerns, the “suspicious” Lukas is actually an extremely normal and responsible 37-year-old adult whose lip piercing has long closed up.
“Jo and I still go to shows sometimes but usually we catch up over brunch, she’s also a busy human rights lawyer who owns a house in the suburbs with her fiancé, their giant cat, and an elderly pug in diapers,” Ms. Perryman said. “Oh, and a little rescue guinea pig named after a Star Trek character. Last time I came over, we all watched ‘Jeopardy!’ and drank tea. Come on, does that sound like someone who’s still faking a shared love for Left of Kin all this time and getting ready to eventually stab me? At this point, she’d have to be playing a hell of a long game if murder is still in the cards.”
According to internet psychologist Dr. Gregory Wilmington, the 2000s represented a legendary era for band message boards, online friendships, and terrified parents.
“The fan forums on bands’ websites were as important to young mopey music fans as AIM, and MySpace,” Wilmington explained, wistfully recalling his own days on his iBook as “XRiotGreggeratorX.” “But tragically, the friends made through them often cannot ever overcome their reputation as dangerous. Even something like mailing out homemade iron-on band logo patches is forever misremembered as suspicious and possibly ‘nicotine-related.’”
At press time, Sally Perryman spotted a wedding invitation on Annie’s refrigerator and was horrified to discover her daughter had apparently revealed her last name and home address.
Clearly more Coke than Jack. I downed this in about three gulps while Dale from AP (I think? Maybe AR) was talking to me about how “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie and then somehow transitioned into how he thinks his wife might be cheating on him with his brother. I needed to be way more buzzed to deal with this.
Aero press, burr grinder, clover brewer, you’ve created quite the distraction for yourself and your so-called morning routine, falling headfirst into one of the last remaining socially acceptable substance addiction. However, you are learning to fuel your dreams, so it could still happen for you.
Growing your own vegetables like a real American homesteader. This is a great hobby because you’ll know how to live off the land when you’re dead broke because you sold all your possessions so you could afford to move to LA and become a screenwriter.
You could’ve gotten a pet. That would’ve been a lot better for your mental health than the monstera that withers when you look at it wrong. But there is no problem with having a living room jungle and still pursuing your dreams.
Ok we can’t legally endorse this as a hobby, and it’s definitely more of a “side hustle” than a “hobby.” But we’d be lying if we couldn’t easily name 10 or 15 former drug dealers who made it big following their dreams. So maybe just be discreet?
This is a great way to hone your writing skills while chronicling your failures. The bright side is, if you ever make it, you’ll have years’ worth of recorded strife to look back on and laugh. Like that time you couldn’t afford toilet paper so you used the pages of a book your ex-girlfriend left behind and you ended up with a real bad anus infection.
You, some spandex, and the open road. It’s just like touring, except now you’re in way better shape. Cycling also doubles as an excellent method of transportation so you can really use this hobby to literally get closer to dreams.
There’s no way this can’t help you. Simply no way. It improves other cognitive faculties like concentration, memory skill, and can even help with an aging brain. And, if you’re not talented enough to make it in your home country, you could learn the language of another and try to make it there.
You’ve paid the subscription and now you’re watching an online lecture from an industry titan who sold out. This is surprisingly good. You’re learning about the industry you dream about being a part of. All you have to do now is dedicate all your waking hours to pursuing your goals, but today you’re working a double shift, so it will have to wait until tomorrow.
Making the fun distracting hobby of drinking and making it involve manual labor and patience. This one takes you away from your goal and further into the back shed, fermenting with your thoughts. But hey, at least you’ve got a shed. And yeast. And you’re drunk as shit.
When is learning to think on your feet a bad thing? And hey, this could come in handy later when you’ve got a real job and your boss asks you how you could possibly be late for a Zoom meeting when you work from home.
You’ve got a lawn to care for so things aren’t so bad in the financial department. But still, if you’re obsessing over cultivating the perfect monoculture in your cookie-cutter neighborhood of slightly less-than-perfect monocultures, then dreams probably weren’t your thing to begin with, so you’re probably doing alright.
Your free time needs to be spent in a constant state of near-freefall to keep you from wondering “what if?” Or you think having massive forearms is a transferable skill, faster tremolo picking, perhaps? You could still do it, as long as you don’t fall.
You’ve started a podcast talking shop about the industry you’ve always dreamt of breaking into. Talking about others in it, asking others how they got started in it, criticizing the industry itself. It’s kind of like your dream right? RIGHT?
This is a lot of time and effort for something you can buy at any grocery store. It’s entirely possible you’re using this tedious hobby to distract you from accomplishing your dreams.
This might not be the artistic medium of your choice, but you can make it seem to others like you fully accomplished your dream with the right equipment, lighting, and editing skills. Also, this can double as a full side income if you get good enough and you spread nasty rumors about every wedding photographer living within 100 miles of you.
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes honestly don’t have a bad LP, but one had to be listed in the dreaded stinker position, so their sixth and latest record “Are We Not Men? We Are Diva!” despite having their best album title, is right here. Fun fact: MFATGG sometimes provide sizable Easter Eggs/Shiny Menorahs in the form of a punk intro from bands like they do on “Are We Not Men? We Are Diva” including T.S.O.L., The Dead Boys, The Buzzcocks, and The Dave Matthews Band just before they start the actual song that they are covering, and said parts are uber DELICIOUS, we tell ya! It’s been nearly a decade since this fantastic album came out, so let’s hear it for the boy(s), let’s give the boy a hand!
Even if you’re one of those derivative humans who spouts cliched garbage like, “I like all genres of music but hip-hop and country,” every chance that you get, there is still PLENTY to love about, uhh, “Love Their Country,” and Me First and the Gimme Gimmes showcase grit, diversity, melodic sensibilities, and straw hats on all twelve tracks of their fifth full-length studio LP here. Classic country and western songs from The (Dixie) Chicks, Garth Brooks, Kenny Rogers, and Ja Rule get the Gimme Gimmes’ treatment, and introduce such hits to a captive audience that, like we mentioned earlier, would have never had such open minds towards prior. Fun fact: “Love Their Country” is the band’s shortest, and thus, most digestible album, so take twenty-five minutes and twenty-eight seconds of your crappy day and inhale this one right this very moment.
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes’ third full-length effort and first non-’90s LP features the band’s sterling takes on classic 1960s hits like Cat Stevens’ “Wild World,” Dusty Springfield’s “I Only Want to Be with You,” The Beatles’ “All My Loving,” and Salt-N-Pepa’s “None of Your Business.” The band kicked off the 21st century (digital boy) in style and each of the lucky thirteen tracks. Fun fact: 2001 was also an underrated year for MFATGG’s label Fat Wreck Chords with other releases from Rise Against (“The Unraveling”), MxPx (“The Renaissance EP”), Mad Caddies (“Rock the Plank”), and the soundtrack from “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.” Funner fact: The band’s version of The Beach Boys’ “Sloop John B” from “Blow in the Wind” was featured twelve years later in Dr. Suess’ children’s classic “The Wolf of Wall Street.”
We bet you so much more than a rock that you didn’t think that Me First and the Gimme Gimmes would last much longer than their debut effort “Have a Ball” but we also surmise that you thought that Title Fight would be at Fall Out Boy’s heights by now. To this day, “Have a Ball” remains their best selling record, and with perfect covers like Paul Simon’s “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard,” Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl,” John Denver’s “Leaving on a Jet Plane,” and Morbid Angel’s “Lord of All Fevers & Plague,” can you blame the punk rock public? Not one tin soldier can! Shout outs to the OG Me First and the Gimme Gimmes lineup: Spike Slawson on vocals, Chris Shiflettt on lead guitar, Joey Cape on rhythm guitar, Fat Mike on bass, and Dave Raun on drums!
Oh girl, we are still very confused as to why this is the lone LP in the band’s six-record collection to NOT have a Wikipedia page, but we hope that this silver medal ranking here ensures one STAT. Depending on the day of the week, this could switch positions with the yet-to-be-mentioned gold medal effort, but today, “Take a Break” loses by a hair. If both you and Elenore are upset about this, don’t fret, our pets, as it is the first of two no “skip it” track efforts to be mentioned here. Seal, Stevie Wonder, Prince, and Rival Schools get the MFATGG treatment here and each vocal/harmony is showcased brilliantly with a much, much faster BPM… Now let’s please move on, as we saved the best for last!
Please riddle us this, what’s more punk rock than a freaking musical? Don’t cry for us Argentina OR answer that. Anyway, long, long before MFATGG stalwart Fat Mike’s punk rock musical “Home Street Home” was released, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes’ sophomore LP “Are a Drag” provided that the band was not capable of a sophomore slump, and the band blazed through its second shortest album with a one-twelve punch of effervescent Broadway and film splendor from such musicals as “A Chorus Line,” “Porgy and Bess,” “The Phantom of the Opera,” “Schindler’s List,” and the like. Your prom night will forever be soaked with menstrual blood from someone’s thighs if you have yet to spin this record, and we implore you to sing along, in any season rain or shine, with the body electric now or TOMORROW.
The Etch-a-Sketch was a pathetic toy that makes for an even more pathetic vessel for a serial killer. Even if it’s possessed, it’s going to be hard to feel in danger when the serial killer has to spend thirty minutes meticulously crafting the rounded edge on the D in ‘DIE’ to threaten you. Not to mention it had to start over after we shook it a bunch. You’ll be fine.
I know what you’re thinking: under the cold, calculated control of a serial killer an old-school metal slinky could slash your throat, and a plastic one could at least wrap you up and strangle you like a boa constrictor. Fortunately it can only go downstairs, so we just walked up a couple flights and it was pretty harmless.
Ah, Nerf footballs—everybody had one growing up, and for some reason they all had a bite taken out of them. The serial killer had a pretty tough time trying to bludgeon us to death with this pillowy polyurethane plaything, so as long as you can resist the urge to chomp down on the soft foam and choke on a piece of the toy, you’ll be ok.
Even when possessed by a serial killer, these toys are completely harmless. My Little Pony fans on the other hand…just stay away from the Brony conventions.
The Play-Doh Killer tried their best to dispatch us, but it was kind of difficult to tell what murder weapon they were trying to create. We think the killer was trying to fashion themselves into a shiv, but all the colors got mushed together and it turned this nasty green-brown color that looked like baby vomit. Not to mention it got all crusty, and there was a bunch of hair stuck in it — honestly, it was more gross than threatening.
Fun fact: every Troll doll actually does contain the wayward soul of a person who died under tragic circumstances, but statistically it’s unlikely that that person was also a serial killer. You’re more likely to get a Troll possessed by a trucker that nodded off at the wheel, or an old guy that fell in the shower. That old guy watched a lot of InfoWars though, so watch out for that.
Everyone has at least one Beanie Baby buried in their attic, and how much danger you’re in depends on the kind of Beanie Baby that gets possessed. Is it something benign like Chocolate the Moose or Flash the Dolphin? The serial killer is limited in the damage it can inflict. But God help you if you had one of those limited edition Henry Kissinger Beanie Babies.
Lizzie Borden took an axe, she gave her mother forty whacks, when she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one. Lucky for you, Polly Pocket is less than an inch tall so it’ll be more of a papercut, but ouch.
Imagine a serial killer stalking you that could assume the shape of anything. It could be your car waiting to run you down, or you could get mauled by what you thought was your beloved dog. Not to mention the original Megatron was an actual gun, and—oh, it turned into a…cassette tape player? Well that’s underwhelming. We’re just gonna list this one on eBay and let the ‘Soundwave Slaughterer’ be someone else’s problem.
That’s weird, did Mom forget to put this knock-off lightsaber under the Christmas tree? Honestly this toy sucks hard — it vibrates pretty fast at a couple different speeds, but nothing that could saw your head off or anything. You’d be fine if a serial killer possessed it, although for some reason we do feel a bit queasy while holding it.
In the classic John Carpenter film ‘Christine,’ a sentient 1958 Plymouth Fury goes on a bloody rampage, killing a half-dozen people before finally being crushed into a cube in a junkyard. That’s pretty much how it went down with the Power Wheels, except this thing had ¼ horsepower and performed about as well as a Cybertruck when trying to overcome even the most modest of obstacles.
Trust us, we thought Tickle Me Elmo would be higher on the list too, but once you get past the maniacal laughter this fuzzy red serial killer is all chuckle and no bite. It tried relentlessly to wrap his furry little hands around our necks, but it lacked the grip strength to cut off the oxygen and in the end, well — it just kinda tickled.
If your family was too broke to afford a Gameboy like ours, these hunks of shit got you through a ton of road trips. Today there’s got to be millions of these things piled up in landfills across the country, slowly poisoning the groundwater with their plastic and electronic components. A few decades from now they’ll probably end up killing thousands, but you’ll already be dead at the hands of a superior toy by then.
You’d assume GI Joe’s military training would turn them into a lethal killing machine in the hands of a serial killer, but think of all the horrible ways we destroyed GI Joe growing up. These poor bastards were battered, beaten, melted, and blown up with fireworks in the line of duty. To them, you’re the serial killer hunting the serial killer, like the show Dexter. Honestly you’d be in more danger at the US Army enlisting table at your local community college.
With their softer, rounded edges, these things aren’t even close to as lethal as Lego, but still more dangerous than that shitty Duplo.
These neon-tipped foam darts aren’t going to do much unless you brandish the neon orange toy in front of a cop and they mistake it for a real gun, but honestly the same could be said for a wallet, keys, cellphone, headphones, a ham sandwich — anything really. Point is, we’d take our chances with the toy gun possessed by the serial killer.
It’s going to take a while for all five Power Rangers to transform, summon their Zords, and then combine into the Megazord and murder us. So while we wait, what was up with the Dragonzord? Tommy summoned it by playing a dagger that he played like a flute. But he couldn’t blow air through the helmet, so does it work more like a keytar?
Hold up, so the serial killer possesses the Ouija board, and then summons other ghosts to jump us and not do the dirty work itself? Kill us yourselves, you coward.
The only thing more embarrassing than being murdered by a possessed Yo-Yo was being asked on stage at an Elementary School assembly in the 90s featuring a full-time professional Yo-Yo champion who needed your cheers to summon the strength to land The Flying Trapeze through the power of Christ. That said, the ‘Flaying Trapeze’ would be a pretty sick name for a horror movie kill.
Time to crank open this unassuming novelty cube, I sure hope it doesn’t contain a surprise that might fatally exacerbate a preexisting health condition! Let’s see, no family history of heart disease? No asthma? Not even stress-induced eczema flare-ups? Well then, the soul of Jack the Ripper will just have to try again in 50 years when your failing body is a little more receptive to fatal scares, because this toy only has one trick up its stupid box.