BRIGHTON, N.J. — Local medical marvel Rex Reynolds was reportedly born with a rare condition that made him a fan of rockabilly culture from birth, which was expected to pass after a period of time, several sources reported.
“It’s really the most curious case that I’ve ever seen in my three months as a pediatrician,” Dr. George Alan said. “Normally, when punk couples have kids, the child has a whole life of chaos ahead of them. But in this case, little Rex seems to be doomed to drag racing and hollow-bodied guitars from the start. At least for a little while. We don’t know what will happen as his life progresses, but we can assume this phase should start to fade by the time he’s 47, which by then he will be exclusively pissed off at his parents, listen to Linkin Park, and wear a chain wallet. At that point, he’d basically be equivalent to a 12-year-old.”
The child’s mother Cynthia Reynolds was initially shocked at her son’s condition.
“When the doctor brought out baby Rex from the paternity ward and I saw his little pompadour and Bettie Page forearm tattoo, my immediate thought was, ‘I knew that brief Stray Cats kick would come back to haunt me,’” Reynolds said. “But now I regret all those feelings and I realize that our baby boy is truly something special. How many other parents can say their toddler has been in four tethered knife fights while in daycare? The main downside is that the only thing that’ll get him to stop crying is showing him pictures of classic cars and bowling shirts. This is one of the more embarrassing parts of motherhood.”
Dr. Alicia Amjad, a medical expert in the world of human birth defects, says cases like the Reynolds child are rare, but not unheard of.
“There have been some very notable cases of children being born with anomalies that reflect the subculture of the parents, but it’s sometimes sadder when it doesn’t happen,” Dr. Amjad stated. “For instance, metalhead couples with long hair and Slayer shirts will often be horrified by the fact their child is born bald and wearing nothing at all. It usually takes several hours to explain that’s how all people are born, but they refuse to listen to anything other than Slayer most of the time. There’s no helping them.”
At press time, the child was spotted creating an upright bass from rubber bands and a shoebox.