Press "Enter" to skip to content

Boomer Dad Confused Why Describing Everyone’s Race, Weight, Unconfirmed Mental Disabilities, Hotness on 1-10 Scale in Anecdote So Bad

MORGANTOWN, W. Va. — Local dad and all-around asshole Bert Smilovic failed to understand criticism of his storytelling techniques which involve reducing all people to unhelpful demographics, his enraged children reported.

“My Gen-Z wannabe socialist kids are all mad that I like to paint a picture with my stories, just like that gay Black guy Basquiat,” blurted Smilovic, the thrice-divorced father of five. “I was telling them about this ugly 2-out-of-10 who was screaming at me while pumping gas the other day. She was clearly schizophrenic and looked to weigh 220, maybe 225. But I didn’t even get to that part of the story before the kids were screaming at me to stop. I can’t believe cancel culture has invaded my home.”

Smilovic’s children have become increasingly resistant to his unnecessary and reductive anecdotes.

“Everything is ‘Mexican guy’ this, ‘Black chick’ that, ‘total smokeshow 10’, and ‘probably abandoned by his father.’ We can’t fucking stand it anymore,” proclaimed Iris Smilovic, a Twitch moderator for Hasan Piker. “Dad says he’s ‘just adding detail’ to his stories, but why don’t those details ever include, say, clothing or location? The only time clothing comes up is whenever he says someone was wearing FUBU which happens to him about 3 times per week. I’ve literally never seen anyone wearing FUBU, so I don’t think he’s even correct in his details.”

Philosophers of ethics debate the pros and cons of correcting insufferable boomer behavior.

“On one hand, pushing back against these uncouth storytelling techniques will help young people sleep better at night knowing they spoke up, and also allow them to post vague social media stories about resisting hate,” offered Dr. Paula Konrad, dean of philosophy at WVU. “On the other hand, the lead-poisoned boomer brain is unable to be changed, so there is no real hope for teaching a lesson. Plus, your body bears the effects of added stress, and even if you’re right, you sound pretty annoying.”

As of press time, the Smilovic children are all seeking emancipation after their father said he matched with a “skinny depressed Asian babe” on eHarmony.