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Go Ahead and Judge But I’m the Type of Guy to Hit It, Lovingly Raise the Resulting Child to Adulthood, and Quit It

Some guys play it nice, others play it cool. Some take their time with a girl, and others are downright old-fashioned. Me? I don’t waste any time on that dinner and movie shit. As soon as I meet a girl I just get in there, do my thing, and then completely set aside my needs and wants for decades as the resulting child blossoms into the adult I dreamt they’d become. Go ahead and call me a disgusting womanizer, but I love the ladies and the ladies love me. Well, maybe not as much as the kiddos do. But hey, can’t keep this dog on the porch!

Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been led around by my dick and the insatiable need to nurture a child. My tenth-grade girlfriend Debra is a good example. I played her like a fiddle and within days that math club president was eating for two. And you know what this unrepentant cockhound did next? I spent twenty years dutifully providing our son with a foundation for excellence in every aspect of life. I even became PTA president! Sure, I was impregnating other members but we got that new elementary school built, didn’t we?

Don’t take my word for it, hear it from some of this player’s past sexual conquests. Carrie, who took my bait one night at bar close will tell you that “Chris is just like every other douchey guy, doing whatever it takes to get you in bed. Yeah, he hung around for decades happily rushing over at a moment’s notice to assist with even the tiniest problems while building up a massive college fund for our daughter, but he’s still a prick.” Or Liz, who fell under my spell while in line at Domino’s: “It turned out that Chris was a sleazeball who cared about nothing but sexual gratification. Well, that and the gratification of being a perennial favorite for Father of the Year twenty years running. Creep.” Hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game!

My buddies say I gotta change, but fuck that, I’m a brazen philanderer and selfless father for life. Ain’t nothing wrong with leaving a trail of angry women and delighted children in my wake. I won’t apologize, and as soon as I’m done providing a storybook childhood for yet another kid, I’m fuckin’ out! See ya!

But sweetie, I’ll see you tomorrow when I take you and the rest of the soccer team to Six Flags. Love you!