Crust Punk Santa Enters Home Through Garbage Disposal

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

AKRON, Ohio — Progressive-minded, but very smelly, children across the world woke up to gifts from Crust Punk Santa who enters family homes via the garbage disposal on Christmas Eve, eschewing traditional chimney routes.

“I’m fuckin’ stoked, man. Another year of bringing loosies, local zines and band pins to kids across the world,” replied Crust Punk Santa while fixing a broken amp. “I’m like the original DIY Santa. No one was on the scene before me, it’s a fuckin’ fact man. Everyone asks how I do it, I get that question all the time. It’s easy: I basically shred myself in the drainpipe and re-assemble myself in the sink. Kids get pretty freaked out when they see it, but we all need trauma in our life. Plus there’s usually some tasty leftovers in that garbage disposal so sometimes I get a free meal, know what I mean? These families are throwing away gold.”

5th grader Sara Lorraine Quigley of Harris-Jackson Elementary School shared her holiday experience seeing Crust Punk Santa last year.

“It was super scary. He had a mohawk and tons of patches on a camouflage jacket. The spikes on his belt left scratches on the metal sink that we’re still trying to get rid of,” Quigley shared from the jungle gym at recess. “He basically wandered around the kitchen looking for food and drank a bunch of PBRs my dad left in the fridge. That was especially rude since we left out Slim Jims and a Red Bull for him, per tradition. And then he left us a few gifts in a crumpled plastic bag on the floor. My gift was a cracked Driller Killer vinyl and a sweaty handkerchief. My brother got a plastic ashtray with a hand-drawn anarchy ‘A’ symbol, which I’m pretty jealous about.”

Scholar Jordan K. Dunne weighed in on the mythological origins of Crust Punk Santa.

“I’ve spent my entire career studying Christmas, diving into holiday mythos during all other eleven months of the year,” shared Dunne from his Christmas-themed office at the University of Akron. “It hasn’t always been milk and cookies, no sir! Studying ancient texts, we find that analogous figures to Crust Punk Santa appear throughout history. There was the festive ‘Bubonic Plague Santa’ who would enter hidden behind houseguests, plus an even older Santa famous for hiding in latrines or outhouses. In fact, some of our earliest holiday oral traditions center on allegories warning of ‘Shithouse Santa.’”

At press time, Crust Punk Santa is proudly displaying his new “sled,” which is a dumpster on wheels pulled by a scruffy senior dog that hates everyone.

Ticketmaster Exec Visited By Three Ghosts in the Night Charges Them $18 Service Fee

Posted on by Michael Luis

NEW YORK — High-ranking Ticketmaster executive Chuck Dickenson reportedly charged significant fees to three ghosts who were visiting to teach him a timely lesson about greed, sources close to the spirits confirmed.

“We’ve been visiting greedy people around the holidays for over a century now. We’ve had all sorts of reactions: fear, shock, occasional arousal, but no one’s ever charged us money for showing up,” said The Ghost of Christmas Present. “Dickenson said it was $10 for admission into his home, a $5 processing charge, and a $3 ‘convenience fee.’ I explained to him that traveling through the void between the dead and living is actually quite inconvenient but he wasn’t hearing it. We begrudgingly paid it because we’ve been wanting to see him for years but we didn’t feel great about it.”

Dickenson explained that his time comes with a high price that consumers, living or undead, should be willing to pay.

“Look, I’m a very busy man and my time comes at a premium. Between sending 30 minutes of emails, screaming at my deadbeat son, playing golf doubles with Bruce Springsteen, and snorting cocaine off an escort’s ass, I only have so much room for visitors,” said Dickenson. “I’m actually glad they came. Not only did I make a cool $54 that I plan on burning in front of a homeless child on Christmas day, they helped me come up with some great new ideas. When the Ghost of Christmas Past showed me memories of going to all-ages DIY halls as a teen, it reminded me of how many independent venues there are left for us to buy out.”

Economist Jacob Chapman-Hall noted this is the latest in a long history of ghastly visits failing to have their intended effect.

“The ‘three ghosts’ routine had a lot of success for a while, but the process has had a waning success rate since ‘The Big Scrooge’ in 1843,” said Chapman-Hall. “The mega-wealthy nowadays are simply too evil. When they visited Jeff Bezos a few years back, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come accidentally gave him the idea for luxury space travel. Showing him a vision of the future helped him expedite the design of his personal rocket. We’re still not sure why it looks like a penis though.”

At press time, all three ghosts have retired after 10 minutes of trying to teach Elon Musk a lesson.

Ten Songs We’re Listening To This Week Because Our Families Haven’t Figured Out We Hijacked Their Bluetooth

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s Christmas again, and your elderly family members still don’t understand how basic technology works. While you’re excited for free food, gifts, and general merriment, you’re not sure how many times you can hear ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ before absolutely losing your entire fucking mind. Fortunately, you know which button disconnects your Dad’s phone from the Bluetooth speaker, allowing you to sneak in and work your influence on the entire gathering.

You’re sure to be filled with an overwhelming sense of freedom, mischief, and anxiety when you finally have the ability to play whatever you want while your uncle asks how much you make in a year. As our gift to you, we’ve taken the time to compile some of our favorite fringe holiday tunes that have gotten us through each and every hectic holiday season. Here are ten of our tried and true classics that are sure to make your family ask things like “was this song always this loud?” and “why are they yelling so much?”

Ginger Root “Linus n’ Lucy (Theme From Peanuts)”

It can be hard to read a room and select a song that will appeal to everyone but you absolutely can’t go wrong with a bit of music from America’s sole treasure ‘Peanuts.’ The lo-fi blips that permeate indie-soul act Ginger Root’s excellent cover of ‘Linus n’ Lucy’ will immediately have your Mom asking if something’s wrong with the speaker. A welcome distraction from her constant inquiries into your ex’s life and your lack of prospective dating partners.

My Chemical Romance “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

By this point in the year, you’ve likely heard Mariah Carey’s saccharine Christmas blockbuster upwards of a billion times. While you claim to hate the song, we all know it is scientifically engineered to drill itself into your already crumbling skull. There’s no shame in enjoying it considering you’ve been brainwashed to do exactly that. Still, MCR has you covered it you want to embrace the earworm in a more esoteric way.

Me First And The Gimme Gimmes “Santa Baby”

There are a lot of horny ass Christmas songs out there, but ‘Santa Baby’ might take the fruitcake. Still, it’s a classic and your family loves it for some depraved reason. It’s only natural that you immediately get the ick when it comes on. Playing the Me First And The Gimme Gimmes version in its place is a surefire way to eliminate the raw, sexual power of the original. Finally, your Grandma will be able to sing along without grossing out the entire family in the process.

Charly Bliss, PUP “It’s Christmas and I Fucking Miss You”

You don’t want your family to think you’re a dweeb that’s behind the times do you? It’s bad enough that you’re ‘in between jobs’ at the moment. You don’t want to fall even further from grace here, so make sure you work in this modern Christmas classic from two of the hippest pop-punk bands of the era. Chances are your hip asshole cousin will finally make eye contact with you when this hits the queue.

Reel Big Fish “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

If your family is anything like ours, they love polka music for some unknown reason. They also cannot for the life of them tell the difference between that genre and ska. For these reasons, Reel Big Fish’s cover of ‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer’ is sure to be a hit after a few egg nogs. Just resist the urge to teach your Grandpa how to skank. His hips aren’t what they used to be.

The Damned “There Ain’t No Sanity Clause”

Maybe it’s not the most Christmas-y song that ever existed, but let’s be real: family events are stressful and you’re gonna want to listen to the Damned at some point. When your uncle presses you on whether or not it’s actually a Christmas song, just tell him to go fuck himself and point out the second verse mentions the holiday by name.

Tenacious D/Sum 41 “Things I Want”

Last year your little brother remarked that there aren’t enough metal Christmas jams. You, unfortunately, were too stoned to remember this batshit crazy collaboration between Tenacious D and Sum 41 existed. It’s time to rectify past mistakes and toss this one on the playlist two, or maybe even three times. It’s been a hard year for your lil’ bro. He needs this.

Tyler, The Creator “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”

Perhaps one of the most brutal and unforgiving diss tracks ever written, ‘You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch,’ is an undisputed classic for a reason. If there’s anything people can appreciate over the holiday season, it’s kicking a man while he’s down over the course of three of the most insulting verses ever put to tape. Still, we’ve all heard the Tony The Tiger version (Google it) way too many times. Spice things up with the version by ‘that rap guy’ your Mom saw on the Grammy’s that one year.

100 Gecs “sympathy 4 the grinch”

Maybe you feel bad about putting on a track that calls a sad, lonely, man colder than a ‘seasick crocodile.’ Don’t worry. Your little sister’s all-time favorite hyper-pop group, 100 Gecs, has the perfect counter-argument. Maybe the Grinch was such a dick because nobody ever showered him with gifts? You ever think about that, you selfish fuck? It’s also the perfect song to make your parents feel like shit for not getting you a PlayStation in 1995.

Ramones “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)”

It’s best to put this one on before your Aunt gets buzzed enough to remember that your Mom called her a bitch in 1987. She’s never let it go, and the holidays are seemingly always the best time to bring it up. If you don’t let Joey take the floor to espouse a message of unity and love, you might find yourself in an even bigger brawl than last year.

We hope you have a good holiday. If you want a completely unhinged playlist to put on during your family function you can check on out here:

“Wow, You’ve Really Filled Out” and Other Backhanded Compliments for the Holidays

Posted on by Brad Lester

It’s that special time of year, a time when we gather those we hold dear to our hearts and celebrate everything past, present, and future that makes us love one another. Or – in the case of most typically dysfunctional families – engage in a delicate ballet of passive aggression as we meander through the obligational minefield of blood relation. To make things a little easier, The Hard Times has gathered a few backhanded compliments to give your dickhead Uncle something to really ponder over on the way back to Sheboygan.

“Wow, you’ve really filled out since I last saw you”

A classic in the game of sowing self-doubt, this bad boy can be used on any family member of any age. There’s never a bad time to bring the jersey down from the rafters. Other variants include, “That wife must be a good cook!”, or “Penn State must have a great dining hall.” For maximum effect, we recommend using it on someone who has noticeably lost weight.

“I love your unique taste”

Don’t worry they’ll know you’re taking a stab at that ridiculous-looking coat, or the rotary telephone they appear to have tried to turn into wall art. This one applies well across generational extremes – take aim at a Thomas Kincaid painting, or someone who obviously fancies themselves a Goodwill aficionado.

“I think it’s badass that you cut your own hair”

A great jab at the narcissist in the family, this shot is best taken at the first sight of bangs. Should you maybe hold your tongue at an obvious and tragic “haircut gone wrong” situation? Probably. Should she have even attempted that look with that round face? Absolutely the fuck not. Speak your backhanded truth.

“It’s good to see all that acne finally cleared up”

The longer it’s been since they had acne, the more sting you can apply here – a naive college student may actually find this one to be genuinely pleasant. Beware, however, as you may find braver subjects lifting their shirts to show their backs and reveal the fact that it has not, in fact, cleared up.

“I’m so jealous of how comfortable you look all the time”

The greasy hair, the baggy sweatpants, the dog hair-covered hoodie – we all know who we’re talking about, and deep down we might actually envy their ability to seemingly weaponize their laziness toward every collared shirt in the room during the holidays. But that’s no reason to let them or their deerskin slippers walk away unscathed. Make them uncomfortable.

“Kudos to you for staying single this long”

The older the subject here, the brighter the burn. Being hurtled through this mortal coil devoid of any romantic meaning is not something that could realistically be painted in a positive light, but by God, you’re going to get your kicks somehow. (Bonus points if you start rattling off about a litany of your own romantic interests.)

“It’s so great that you guys are still making things work after… well, you know”

At a first glance, this one might come off as very specific – a reference to a couple’s tendency to argue, some publicized financial woes, or that thing with your rich asshole brother’s au pair. But this one in particular is even more fun if no family drama is present, as you can watch as the, “What the fuck is he talking about?” conversation quietly unfolds in the corner after dinner.

“It’s awesome to see someone get a degree that isn’t for a paycheck”

Sure STEM majors will find quality jobs, and maybe they’ll get decent credit scores and housing opportunities as a result. However, for cousin Angie and her Art History degree, there’s no better reason to plunge into $120,000 of debt before drinking age than passion. Let her know it’s great that she’s in it for the love of the game, as long as she understands the “game” is crippling debt.

“I can barely smell the cats at all this year”

Yeah, we also winced when Mom said everyone was meeting at Debbie’s for Christmas Eve this year. No one in their right mind needs nine fucking cats. That’s 91 lives, for God’s sakes. She’ll love hearing that it smells a lot less like piss this time around, but it’s important she knows it definitely still smells like piss.

“Watching you kill that fifth of Jäger and fighting those carolers last Christmas is my favorite holiday memory”

Gotta be honest here, nothing backhanded about this one. Your brother-in-law Bret really is just a total fucking badass. You know how heavy your hands have to be to get blacklisted by the Methodist Church? They’d take donations from Satan. We’d recommend bringing a fifth of that good ol’ fashioned German sunrise to every holiday, in case you need Bret to sort some shit out with those lunchbox fists.

“I bet you could give that bastard Joey Chestnut a run for his money”

You can’t serve 100 Nathan’s hotdogs for Christmas dinner, but we’re as certain as you are that Uncle Arnie would tear that shit up in world record time. Anyone who is finishing off the snot-rimmed plates left at the kid’s table needs to understand what an insatiable animal they truly are. Competitive eating is obviously just a way of life for some.

“Your plastic surgeon has REALLY turned things around for you”

Nature is an unstoppable tide – people get old, they start to look like disgusting shit. So it’s always interesting seeing a loved one go from looking like the Crypt-Keeper, to looking like the Crypt-Keeper with pouty lips and significantly larger breasts. And while it’s definitely not your thing, I guess it does technically qualify as an improvement.

“I wish I had dentures like you, they seem so cool”

A nice cheap shot at the elderly, this is best followed up by a long explanation of what a burden teeth are. Of course, your explanation should double as a list of all the reasons having your teeth attached to your head is superior in every way. Think of it like a dental humblebrag.

“I knew you’d beat that DUI charge – now Uncle Steve owes me $200 bucks”

We’re not trying to gas Bret up any more than we already have, but he beat those charges harder than he beat those two baritones last Christmas, and won you $200 dollars in the process. What can’t this guy do? Next Christmas, we’re gifting him a cruise (and a fifth of Jäger, of course).

“I had a surprisingly good time this year”

Leave them with a slow burn. Expectations were low, and they should know it. But with a full belly, $200 in your pocket (thanks, Bret), and not-so-subtle jabs for each of your family members to chew on for the next few days, it would be hard not to call this holiday a success. Another one down, 364 days to practice for next year.

Happy Holidays!

Young Musician Still Looks Up to Older Musician by Ignoring Everything They’ve Said and Done the Last 15 Years

Posted on by Lana Schwartz

MINNEAPOLIS – Young musician Carrie Weaver miraculously discovered that the only way they can remain in awe of their grizzled punk mentor Karen Cunt is by pretending they haven’t heard a word they’ve said or learned of anything they’ve done in the last 15 years, confirmed multiple thriving sources.

“I feel so much better knowing I’ve figured out a way to still keep this special bond with someone I understand to be a despicable person. Is she still my favorite musician? Of course, absolutely. Do I follow her on social media or have I seen her on tour in the last 15 years? No way,” Weaver said. “If she does an interview I make sure I block any accounts that try to share it so I don’t accidentally see what she’s saying about politics, social issues, or even what television shows she likes. This is the only way I’ll still be able to enjoy the albums that got me through high school and college, don’t take this away from me.”

Despite Weaver’s detachment from Cunt, the older artist remains confident in their relationships with younger musicians.

“You know, a lot of musicians aren’t as keen as I am to give younger musicians advice. I’m really proud to see the way people I’ve mentored over the years are fucking rocking it. For so long they would scream and cry for my attention and now it’s hard to get a text back, even though I send them lots of helpful articles about the shit they put in our vaccines and how 5G messes you up,” said the singer-songwriter. “They don’t always answer, but you know how bad young people are at technology. I’m just glad I can still be so involved in shaping the next generation by sharing screenshots I found on Reddit with information they absolutely need to know before the lizard people take over.”

Rock critic and historian Erica Cruz is relieved that younger musicians are no longer taking cues from their predecessors.

“This is a really tricky time for young musicians, who basically have no choice but to make music completely derivative of their favorite artist and then pretend they never existed,” said Cruz. “I’m impressed by new, innovative ways and the lengths they’ll go to ignore news about this artist – be it loudly changing the subject when someone brings them up or even walking out of the room. I think it really bodes well for the future of rock and roll.

At press time, Weaver surrendered all her electronic devices and plans to move deep into the woods after hearing Cunt is planning a “no holds barred” comedy tour.

Really? The Ghost Of Christmas Past Had To Bring Up That Time I Sharted

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

Listen, I know I can be a jerk sometimes, but there was absolutely no reason that the Ghost of Christmas Past had to bother me in the middle of the night, on Christmas Eve no less, just to bring up that time that I sharted.

There I was, casually opening my neighbors’ mail to see if anyone had sent them any cash, or a family photo that I could put on my fridge to make it look like I had friends. Then there was a sudden flash and BOOM! There he was—The Ghost of Christmas Past, standing in my living room looking real smug and obnoxious.

Then this ghastly apparition has the nerve to say to me “I’ve had enough of your mean-spirited nature. It’s time to pay the piper,” I didn’t even have time for a good one-liner about his receding hairline before he whisked me back to a bunch of memories where I screwed some dumb shit up.

We watched as I stole cash out of the tip jar at my favorite coffee shop, then there was the time I stole my dad’s heart medication because I thought it might get me high, and when I ditched my daughter’s ballet recital so I could stay home to binge drink and watch “Judge Judy.” It was fucking cold that night, I don’t get what the big deal is.

The third memory was last Christmas Eve. I was just at home alone, taking Nyquil shots and minding my own business. Although, I did have… a little accident.

“Sorry, what are we doing here?” I asked.

“I thought you should know,” the Ghost said.

Then the ghost and I peered through the window of my apartment as I sat there alone. And yeah, I let out a little fart that turned out to be a little more than expected. We’ve all done it. It’s not even that big of a deal.

“I watched you let out a fart and accidentally shit yourself, you scumbag. It smelled rotten, like something died inside of you three months earlier,” said the ghoulish figure.

“Seriously?” I said. “I didn’t even do anything wrong that night. Why would you bring that up?”

“I honestly can’t believe you did that. You acted like everything was fine after, too. You’re a grown man with kids. A mortgage and a wife. Get your shit together, dude. What are you doing? Most logical people would get up and at least go wipe, personally I would have taken a quick shower. But you just sat there, in your own filth just ruining your ‘favorite’ chair.”

“I had two Arby’s Beef ‘N Cheddars that day, okay?!” I said. “There’s so many other places you could have brought me! What about the Christmas Eve when I left a puppy on the side of the road? Or the one when I threw my cigarette butt directly into that orphanage, setting it on fire?”

“I should be the least scary thing haunting you after the shart,” the Ghost of Christmas past said. He disappeared in another flash and BANG! I was left alone with my own thoughts.

I guess I better change. In a few days, maybe for New Year’s or even next year.

Man Accidentally Kills Tim Allen and Magically Transforms Into Unfunny Conservative

Posted on by Sam LiButti

DETROIT — Local man Stuart Bask magically began his transformation into an unfunny conservative after he accidentally killed comedian Tim Allen and discovered that he would now have to take his place and be just as annoying as his predecessor, confirmed worried sources.

“I was a little drunk driving downtown and this dude just walked in front of my car out of nowhere. At first, I thought about driving off, but I figured I should check to see if the guy was alive and sure enough it was that dude Tim Allen from ‘Home Improvement,’” said Bask about the inciting incident that led to his incredible transformation. “I checked his pockets for a wallet or some cocaine, because, ya know, it’s Tim Allen. What I found was even more incredible and even worse for my health. There was a note saying ‘If something should happen to me, log in to Twitter from my phone. My followers will know what to do.’ And ever since that day, I can’t stop Tweeting quotes from ‘The Art of War’ and lazy jokes about Hunter Biden’s laptop.”

Friends of Bask said that the changes in his appearance and personality were sudden and drastic with many of them choosing to distance themselves from him as a result.

“It was funny at first, but then it just kept going. There was one day when he just magically had a MAGA hat appear on his head, but if he tried to take it off, another one would materialize immediately. He had no control over it,” said longtime friend David Johnson. “I saw him yesterday, and he was wearing a toolbelt and just grunting for hours and talking to a fence. If I’m being honest, the fence seemed to give him some wise sage wisdom, but nonetheless, it was weird.”

Edward Milton the leading expert in Early Onset: The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause Syndrom says that this is a very uncommon condition that people shouldn’t be concerned about.

“It really only affects one person, or I suppose two now, Tim Allen, for reasons unknown to man, has been imbued with this power. The fact he was in those ‘Santa Clause’ movies where the same exact thing happens appears to be nothing more than a coincidence,” said Milton. “This won’t happen with any other celebrities; it’s not like if you kill Joe Rogan, you’ll wake up the next day feeling like you need to eat elk testicles and take a bunch of supplements that claim to put your brain in hyperdrive. This is the world’s only Tim Allen-specific affliction.”

At press time, sources reported that Bask was last seen screaming outside of Richard Karn’s house, demanding he be let in while grunting loud enough to warrant a noise complaint.

Biden’s Weed Pardons Effectively Undo Vice President Harris’ Life’s Work

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

WASHINGTON — President Biden issued thousands of pardons related to marijuana possession in a move that experts say will negate decades of Vice President Harris’ career, chilled-out sources have confirmed.

“Make no mistake, folks. This is the only moral choice,” said Biden during a press conference announcing the pardons. “The individuals who were imprisoned in these cases were persecuted by unjust laws and corrupt prosecutors. It’s obviously unethical. Anyone who pushed for these people to be jailed is fundamentally flawed as an individual and clearly on some sort of power trip. In addition, anyone willingly associated with these individuals would be, clearly, just as culpable.”

While Kamala Harris released a brief statement in support of Biden’s decision, a source close to the vice president noted that she was quite upset about the change in policy.

“She keeps saying that this is ruining her legacy,” said a Harris aide who wished to remain anonymous. “She literally refers to her conviction rate as her ‘masterpiece’ and claims that Biden is destroying it. When she thinks that no one is listening, she rambles on about how there’s no other option except continuing her work, which would mean prosecuting everyone in the country until she is the only possible option for president because every other American citizen is imprisoned. She’s already tried to have me arrested for not replacing the paper towels in the office restroom, even though I wasn’t the one to use the last sheet.”

Those affected by Biden’s pardon were conflicted on how it would determine their upcoming political decisions.

“It’s a bit tricky, you know,” said Jasper Graves, a San Quentin inmate and registered voter set to be released due to the pardon. “On the one hand, I’m being released from prison due to receiving clemency from the president. On the other hand, the only reason I’m here in the first place is because his running mate wanted to look tough on crime. Hell, half of the people locked up in the place are here because of Biden’s crime bill from the ‘90s. It’s definitely a predicament. I can only hope that the opposition has a sane nominee. I’ve been incarcerated for two decades, but I’m sure the Republicans must have sorted themselves out by now.”

At press time, Vice President Harris was reportedly relieved that the recipients of the pardons would still have criminal records, making their lives much more complicated and difficult despite their freedom.

30 Scientology Holiday Traditions That Might Make You Consider Converting

Posted on by Dan Rice

Yes, the holiday season is upon us, but before you decorate that tree or light the menorah, won’t you consider making this the year you give yourself the ultimate gift? We’re referring of course to the truth that every physical and mental ailment plaguing you is the result of alien ghosts who were exploded in a volcano on earth millions of years ago by a space tyrant.

Curious?

There’s a rumor out there that Scientology, a legitimate tax-exempt religious organization, lacks the fun, rich holiday traditions of a Christmas or Hanukkah. Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact, whoever told you that is probably a suppressive person jealous of our tech, and you should cut them out of your life completely! Here are just 30 time-honored Scientology holiday traditions that will have you saying “Christ is a lie orchestrated by modern psychology to impede me from achieving true actualization in this lifetime!”

A Photo With LRH!

Okay, you got us, it’s not the real L. Ron Hubbard, the REAL LRH shed his body years ago to combat an ancient thetan, but it is one of his helpers! Go to any American mall with a Santa Clause. Then go to the basement of said mall and you’ll find an LRH willing to interrogate your child and take a photo! Every L. Ron Helper has been meticulously modeled to resemble LRH right down to the contemptuous grin and the unmistakable smell of ketchup soup wafting on their breath!

The Kids Hunt For Shelly Miscavige

Scientologist families have enjoyed this festive tradition since 2007, in which the children are encouraged to search all through the house for any tangible evidence that Shelly Miscavige is alive and well! They won’t succeed of course, but the hunt builds character, and in a way, it keeps Shelly alive!

Watch “Days of Thunder”

Look kids, it’s our boy Tom Cruise! And he’s got a cool racecar! Look at the way he handles that thing! Those are the trademark reflexes of an Operating Thetan performing at peak efficiency if we’ve ever seen one!

Write A Holiday Wishlist To John Travolta, And Some Threats!

Who needs Santa Claus when you’ve got the star of “Saturday Night Fever” and “Grease,” John Travolta?! Every year the Scientology celebrity center is flooded with letters from children telling John what gifts they want this year, and reminding him that they know a thing or two about certain sexual predilections he may or may not have that he definitely wants kept under wraps! How does John Travolta deliver gifts to all good Scientologist children in a single night? He has his own plane and a very shadowy past, that’s how!

The Harassment Of A Psychiatrist

So many ways to celebrate this tradition. You could make threatening phone calls to a psychiatrist. You could break into their home and just move stuff around so they know someone’s been there. You could make bogus complaints to the police about noise and spousal abuse. However you decide to celebrate, rest assured the psychiatrist deserves it. Their profession makes them an SP and a liar. We all know that mental illness only occurs when someone attempts to read “Excalibur” without the proper training!

Chores!

May they complete you as you complete them! Whether it’s scrubbing the decks of the Sea Org, handing out pamphlets to susceptibles downtown or just volunteering to be the person David Miscavige eats sushi off of for a day, you can’t be an Operating Thetan without operating!

Sign Another Billion-Year Contract

Sadly most acolytes of The Church Of Scientology are happy to just sign the one billion-year contract and call it a day, but real Scientologists understand that ridding yourself of alien volcano ghosts means total commitment! It’s the season of giving, so why not go ahead and pledge another billion years of servitude to the church?

Rank Your Enemies And Pledge To Destroy Them!

As altruistic purveyors of truth, Scientologists have a lot of high-profile enemies, and attacking them all would be a full-time job! Instead, why not pick a personal top 5 and focus on them? No one expects you to goad Beck into hitting you at the airport, urinate on William S. Burroughs’s grave, and leave threatening voicemails on Katie Holmes’s phone all in one year! Just harass Beck and mess with a few lower lever/more accessible Suppressive Persons in your area.

Battlefield Earth Pagent!

Whether your child is playing the head Psychlo or just a desolate mountain, you’ll cherish watching them re-enact the most thrilling L. Ron Hubbard story ever to be called “Not merely bad, unpleasant in a hostile way” by known SP Roger Ebert!

IRS Agent Dirt Dig!

Sure, the church has tax-exempt status for now, but a little insurance in the form of sensitive information goes a long way to keeping it for decades to come. Do you have hard evidence that an IRS employee has been unfaithful to their spouse or has a drinking problem? Send it Miscavige’s way!

Tell Us If You Have Ever Had Unkind Thoughts About L. Ron Hubbard or David Miscavige

Have you? You do need to tell us. It’s for your own good.

Watch “Vanilla Sky”

There’s our boy T.C. again! Boy, he looks good! Shredded! Even with his deformity makeup on the man is a specimen! Say it all together kids: “When you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not!” In other words, happy holidays!

Offer Free E-meter Readings To The Poor, But Like “Poor” As In Misfortunately Ignorant, Not Actually Poor

It’s the season of giving, so why not give a naive person who thinks they’re happy the gift of hooking them up to a pseudo lie detector and informing them that their body is full of suppressive ghosts? Just make sure they’re “poor” in the sense that they are unfamiliar with the world of L. Ron Hubbard, not poor financially. We’re trying to run a church, not some charity!

Aye Carumba, It’s Nancy Cartwright!

You better be good all year kids or the voice of Bart Simpson will throw you in a burlap sack and volunteer you for Sea Org duty!

Try To Break Danny Masterson Out Of Jail

It’s the newest Scientology holiday tradition, sort of like our elf on a shelf!

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Help! Brie Larson Keeps Staring At Me and Talking About This Nissan Instead of Watching the Road

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

It was supposed to be another Uber ride. After I received confirmation, I thought it was strange that my driver’s photo looked like A-list movie star Brie Larson.

The black Nissan pulled up, and there she was. Captain Marvel herself. I figured it was rude to ask why she was driving for Uber, but as soon as I hopped in, she gunned it. This must be a prank show or something, right? I barely had time to buckle my seat before she asked me if I was comfortable.

But the questions didn’t stop there. “You can use any car to navigate your ride. But how do you navigate your life? What makes you stand out?” she asked me. I thought I had selected ‘quiet mode.’

She held her gaze on me with a knowing smile, unaware of passing traffic. “Kick your life into high gear with the Nissan Sentra. You deserve the smoothest ride possible, for wherever life takes you,” she said with a wink, slowly gaining speed and completely unaware of the braking cars ahead.

While careening into shoulder lanes, Brie Larson said “Nissan is more than a company. Our pickup trucks take you places that you never even knew existed.” I made it clear that I had no interest in a truck, and tried to keep her focused on a place that indeed does exist: my destination. I kept looking around for hidden cameras. Was I an unwilling extra in some guerilla ad campaign? I just needed an Uber ride, not a Nissan Sales Event!

Brie Larson, of “21 Jump Street’ fame, began swerving in and out of traffic, holding my gaze while praising the terrific handling and reminding me about the flexible cargo area. I told her she sounded like a commercial. Her response: “Go where you want to go. Live life on your own terms. Nissan.”

She had mentioned emergency braking, which would have been useful before she totaled the car against a median. Instead of giving personal information to the responding officers, she kept affirming the Nissan Sentra’s safety features. “Maybe I can take you for a ride in my Nissan Altima instead?” she asked the ERT while hauled into an ambulance for a head wound. When asked her name and date of birth, she simply said Nissan.

After the report, I re-ordered an Uber. Unfortunately my driver was The General from those insurance commercials, who just drove his Jeep around while barking military chants at me.