So you sold out and got yourself a little corporate job selling insurance. Congrats! However, in order to sell insurance and actually support yourself with it, you need charisma, people skills, and some level of intelligence, and a good work ethic. And you have none of those qualities. So what now? You think back to the time you took your girlfriend to a GWAR concert. She was appalled. You were inspired. You felt like you could do more with your life. You could be anyone or anything if you set your mind to it. Your life peaked here.
This guide will help you pick out which of these GWAR costumes will help you land the sale or get you kicked out of the meeting before it even starts. Starting from the easiest going all the way to borderline arrestable.
25. Beefcake the Mighty
Probably one of your safest bets. Anyone wearing this costume will make people think they’re a misunderstood sweetheart who got hurt in the past and needs a little comfort in life. Put this one on and you’ll get more deals than all of Wall Street combined. You might also get a back rub while you’re at it.
24. Postulus Maximus
Perhaps one of the more intimidating costumes at first glance. However, once you get past the 15-inch tusks, and blueish devilish face, it’s actually quite a charmer. You also need to airbrush a 10-pack to your core, and thick meaty thighs, giving the impression that you work out often and care about your health. Thus you care about your clients’ health and wellbeing as well.
23. Balsac the Jaws of Death
This one might be tough but once you get past the fact that you have no eyes with this and can’t make proper eye contact, they’re in. Clients won’t know where to look after they sign their life away to you. So they’ll be drawn to your razor-sharp airbrushed abs. And who can say no to abs like that? Exactly. This one’s a safe bet.
22. Oderus Urungus
This costume really has it all. Charm, class, elegance. The beard has gotten a little out of hand so you might have some explaining to do as to why you haven’t had a touch-up in a while. But if you can schmooze your way out of that dealbreaker, you can certainly sell any knucklehead whatever bullshit insurance you have to offer.
21. Sawborg Destructo
You might be able to make the sale with this one. Just maybe. But when you’re out for dinner celebrating your one and only victory they’ll see your true colors. The intrusive thoughts that come with this costume are hard to avoid. You’ll just want to cut everything in half, including the clients! You’d better add a no refunds clause into that contract if you want to pay your parents’ rent.
20. Sleazy P. Martini
Okay, hear me out. At first glance this is not the most trustworthy costume. Although he reminds us of Count Volpe from “Pinnochio, “so you’re not off to a good start. But something about the costume seems like you’re just trying to make an honest living in this fucked up world.
19. Slymenstra Hymen
Looking like the long-lost female member of a Kiss cover band, dressing up as Mrs. Hymen might not be so bad. Your target demographic would be hardcore Kiss fans, so know your base. Know the references and don’t use as much tongue.
18. Mattron
This one looks like a half-assed prehistoric Daft Punk costume. With this costume you’re going to have to show full chest. Are you ready for that? Probably not. No one in the world is ready for that.
17. Toe E. Namel
Toe’s costume reminds us of that one cousin who decides to show up randomly to Thanksgiving dinner after not hearing from him for five years. You don’t know where he disappeared to, but every time you see him he has a new personality and a new way to make a million dollars. Toe looks like he just spent 3 months mining .0001% of a bitcoin. So if you choose this costume, know your audience. You might just do well.
16. Bonesnapper the Cave Troll
This one looks like if The Hulk and Godzilla had a demon baby that grew up with Daddy issues. We’ve all been screwed over before by someone who looks like this cave troll before. So you’re going to have an uphill battle when it comes to selling anything to anyone using this costume.Maybe if you hit another rock bottom and decide to sell cars instead, this could work. But for insurance, probably not.
15. Hans Orifice
See back in the ’80s, this costume was killing it. But look, it’s 2024 now, and this, this is just your average burning man attire. Are we selling insurance or did we just spend two weeks in the desert after three weeks of not showering.
14. The Master
This costume looks like the creature that hovers over our beds when we have sleep paralysis. Clients will be sweating profusely from the moment you walk in as you remind them of the worst sleep they’ve ever had.
13. Joey Slutman
We created a fake Tinder profile to see how likable someone wearing this costume could be in today’s society. And let’s just say, you would attract some very interesting characters with this. There’s just something about those overly exposed thighs that can be too distracting.
12. Techno Destructo
Are you serious? Don’t even consider this one. See that giant fucking wrench? How can anyone get anything done with that thing attached? Why have such an attachment and not squeeze everything around you? While this may seem like a lot of fun to wear, you can’t use that to sell insurance. Work can’t be fun, remember that.
11. Scroda Moon
This costume reminds people of a freshly shaved ballsack, and that shit just doesn’t sit right with us. It feels like you can’t even touch this costume without it burning. Also, what’s up with the shirt? It’s ripped to shreds! No one would listen to a word you say when they are forced to maintain eye contact with your nipples in this costume.
10. Jizmak Da Gusha
Imagine trying to explain to someone why you’re 90% flesh, 10% fur and teeth, and then trying to sell them something. You put this on and your soul is immediately transformed into the freak show of a werewolf you’re meant to be. It’s hard to resist the temptation to take a bite out of your clients wearing this.
9. Flattus Maximus
With a face like the worldwide family classic 2001 Jeepers Creepers, you’re going to freak most people out. Your only possible clientele will be those people who buy the blue alien Fleshlight as their first choice. Is that really who you want to be dealing with?
8. Cardinal Syn
Something about this costume makes it feel like it comes with a dump truck of an ass. And that just has to get in the way of getting anything done in the insurance business. Have you ever seen Cardinal Syn turn around? Neither have we. They’re hiding something back there and they can’t be trusted.
7. Gor-Gor
Let’s say you’re meeting a client with this costume. Fancy restaurant because, maybe, your parents taught you something right. You go up to shake their hand, and BAM. You accidentally fatally pierce your client’s head with your giant teeth. Your short arms make it impossible to be able to properly greet a client. Unless you wave hello to them. But then who would want to buy insurance from someone who greets them with a wave?
6. Dickie Duncan
Just… no.
5. Vulvatron
Are you kidding? How could anyone get anything done using this? She squirts blood from her nipples! And it’s fucking uncontrollable. Imagine you’re pitching insurance rates, meanwhile the nice white shirt your mom bought you for this is quickly getting soaked with gooey blood, only for it to burst through the shirt and splash on the faces of your clients. Think again.
4. Sexecutioner
Sexcuse me? Absolutely not. Why would anyone buy insurance from the guy that resembles The Gimp from “Pulp Fiction”? You know you can’t trust anyone in this costume. One minute you’re talking insurance rates, the next you’re on all fours with a gag, belt, and feathers, trying to muffle out “SEXCELLENT!” No thank you. Putting on this sexy latex costume you wouldn’t know if you should be discussing plans or your BDSM test results hoping your client is also a rope bunny.
3. World Maggot
Good news: this might just be the best-looking maggot anyone has ever seen.
Bad news: you’ll swallow up every client.
There’s a reason why this character was discontinued off tour so quickly. It just ate everything in sight. We lost many people to the jaws of death of that thing. And so will you. Something happens when you put this maggot suit on. You become one with the maggot. You inherit its appetite. You develop a taste for the people.
2. Oderus Urungus with The Cuttlefish of Cthulu
Oderus Urungus is solid without this attachment. But when you decide to incorporate the FULL Oderus costume, you’re in trouble. You turn around with this costume and you knock all the paperwork off your desk with your giant cock! Another big factor: the giant penis squirts out blood! With a mind of its own, you never know when it’s going to squirt three gallons of blood all over your insurance papers. Can’t file legal papers when it’s covered in demonic blood.
1. Berserker Blothar Brown
Jesus, what a sight! Clients will immediately want to climb on those antlers and ignore anything you want to sell them. How can we ignore the giant death-eating udders in your core that shoot out blood? That’s like Oderus Urungus with the Cuttlefish activated four times! And if they try to push those death udders to the side, their hands would get caught in the fangs and lose their arm completely! Can’t sign any documents without your hands.
But let’s be honest, we all want to fuck that weird mouth in the middle of the udders.