LOS ANGELES – 26-year-old punk Max Goldstein unfortunately sustained an injury in a mosh pit immediately after being kicked off his parents’ insurance plan, concerned sources confirmed.
“Yeah, it was nuts. My friends and I stopped by a house show the day after my birthday. I decided to go into the pit, like I always do. When someone just barely brushed past me, all of my bones immediately turned to dust, “ said Goldstein solemnly. “They had to stop the show, turn the lights on, and sweep the remains of my skeleton into a dustpan. The paramedics were no help: they just said ‘aw man, that looks bad.’ Then they handed me my bone dust in a ziplock bag, shrugged, and left. Ever since then, mosh pits have sort of lost their appeal.”
Rachel Cifuentes, a 25-year-old friend of Goldstein, was also present at the house show where the accident occurred.
“I was shocked to see it happen, not gonna lie. Max usually dominates the pit. But I’m sure he’ll be fine in a week or so. I’m not really sure how all of that stuff with insurance works, but how expensive could a new set of bones possibly be?” Cifuentes said obliviously. “I still have another year before I have to worry about any shit like that. And like, you can just go to Home Depot around Halloween and buy a whole skeleton.”
Insurance specialist Brad Elrod was able to provide some expertise on the way that the American healthcare system typically works.
“Usually when someone sustains an injury of this nature, many insurance companies will resist coverage due to bones being a pre-existing condition. If you’re lucky, you’ll be referred to a specialist with a two year waitlist,” said Elrod. “At your appointment with the specialist, they’ll perform an exam where they’ll have you put on a clown nose and dunce cap. Then they point and laugh and say ‘ha ha, look at this guy, he has dust for bones!’ And then they’ll charge you six million dollars.”
At press time, Goldstein remains hopeful that he can just take some ibuprofen and walk it off.