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Los Angeles Police Budget Allocates $50,000 For De-Escalation Training, $1 Billion For Escalation Training

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Police Department announced that in response to requests from the public they are now allocating $50,000 of their budget towards de-escalation training while maintaining the normal $1 Billion they use for their standard escalation training.

“I’m glad we were finally able to get some resources for these valuable techniques in the budget,” said de-escalation counselor Luigi Prestifillipo. “I kept advocating for getting some sort of training for our officers and how they should learn how to bring a situation down to a simmer before it all boils over and suddenly your kitchen is filled with hot pasta water and you’ve scalded your arms and you need to shoot your way out. But they kept telling me ‘It’s not in the budget’ to which I was like then put it in the budget you mook! You’ve got $1 Billion advocated for how to kill people, maybe send me a few bucks and we can save ourselves some money on these police brutality lawsuits. It’s good to know that they’re finally pretending to listen.”

Longtime LAPD member sergeant Kevin Polanski was less than receptive towards having to take this extra training.

“You really expect me to take 1 hour a year out of my busy schedule to come and hear some guy tell me I shouldn’t be clubbing people who can’t pack up their tents fast enough?” said a clearly miffed Polanski. “The whole thing really hurts my brain too because after being taught that everyone is a threat and should be treated as such, now they want to tell me that sometimes people desperately need help and I need to show empathy? Like do they want some old lady skulls bashed in or not? Because I have and I probably will continue to crush old lady skulls.”

Chief of Police Michel Moore clarified that the de-escalation program wouldn’t get in the way of the LAPD doing their normal job.

“Before I hear any complaints about this from the union I want everyone to know that everything will be business as usual,” said Chief Moore. “See someone of a different persuasion in your rich neighborhood? Is there a homeless guy sleeping outside your store? Are there people just minding their own business standing around? Well don’t you worry. The LAPD is ready, sort of willing, and well-trained to come and turn these situations into events that will end up causing days of public protest. No de-escalation course is going to change that.”

At press time, sources confirmed that the police union was able to whittle the training down from a 1-hour course and turn it into a small pamphlet no one is expected to read located next to the trash can in the break room.