FREMONT, Calif — Neuralink owner Elon Musk announced Neuralink Premium which will allow anyone using his implantable brain–computer interfaces to maintain basic bodily functions for $8 a month.
“This is a big step forward for humanity. If things keep moving forward at this rate then this will be a consumer product anyone can have lodged in their brain in less than a decade. Just think how easy it will be to turn on your television just by thinking ‘turn on television.’ No more reaching upwards of three feet away for remotes, or yelling things at your smart TV,” said the world’s second-richest man. “And we will also have a premium package that guarantees we won’t remotely shut down your limbic system for the low monthly price of $8. This gives you full access to your long-term memory, sexual stimulation, even your sense of smell. We are already working on a Premium+ package that will use AI to make you seem more charming when you talk. The AI has been trained off of my daily banter with friends, so you are guaranteed to be more popular.”
Neuralink employees are already being instructed to push the paid packages on potential customers.
“I’ve worked as a neurosurgeon for nearly two decades and was excited to work with a team of dedicated professionals to improve the world. But for the past few months I’ve been forced to send emails to the people on our waiting list about ‘Exciting new features,’” said Dr. Anjana Patel. “I should have known this was going to problem when Mr. Musk sent us all shirts that said ‘Let’s get some brain.’ I know what that means, and it has no place here.”
Critics are expressing concern over the new technology.
“There is a chance that the Neuralink chips could provide great benefits to people who have lost function of limbs and it may give them a greater sense of independence. But also there is an even better chance that Elon could use this technology to automatically beam a meme into your brain that he thought was funny,” said Collin Semper, who heads a watchdog group focused on medical technology. “Or even worse, every time you try to picture something in your mind’s eye it just plays a full episode of Tucker Carlson’s talk show that you can’t shut off.”
At press time, Musk said the first human recipient of the Neuralink chip is healing up nicely and showing no signs of the woke mind virus.