NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Dashboard Confessional frontman Chris Carrabba reported he is still finding his ex-girlfriend’s hair all over his apartment despite having moved across the country numerous times, confirmed sources close to the situation.
“I don’t know how this is still happening. It’s been two full decades since I saw my ex Emmy but whenever I’m sweeping up, doing laundry, or even rearranging things in the crawl space I find clumps of her hair everywhere. I feel like this might be some sort of witch’s curse,” said Carrabba. “We were remodeling and tearing down a wall and instead of insulation, it was just hair. It must have been at least 50 pounds of hair, I couldn’t believe it. I remember Emmy saying she donated to Locks of Love back in the day but this is coming out of manufactured insulation with the Pink Panther stamped on it.”
Carraba’s wife Bonnie was the first to identify who the hair belongs to but remains baffled about how it keeps ending up in their home.
“This has been happening as long as Chris and I have been together. I thought it was some of Chris’ hair at first but when I looked closer I could recognize the dyed black hair with pink tips from the old photos of his ex. Now, I know Chris isn’t cheating, but this woman must shed like a snake and be sneaking into our home while we are away or something,” said Mrs. Carrabba. “I was joking and saying I was expecting to find some molted skin with crazy eyeliner and a lower back butterfly tattoo but then I found these fur pellets that I simply cannot explain.”
The home inspector who appraised the property made note of the findings and admitted to being alarmed by the amount of hair he saw in the basement, attic, and even the shed out back.
“It looked a little odd between the sheetrock and whatnot but everything passed the heating test. I’ve seen plenty of weird stuff in my day, hundreds of pounds of hair is nothing new. There was this place over on Maple Street, I swear on my life, I thought they had a carpet in their finished basement, but it was all toenail clippings,” said Henry Sult of Gleason Home Inspections, insisting that the value of the home was priced correctly. “But yeah, I gave them some tips about home security options with 24/7 video monitoring to see if they can pinpoint the source of the hair, that’s the best I can do.”
At press time, Carrabba confirmed the heart he had stolen in 2006 was found in a storage space outside of Gainesville.
Photo by Turtona.
“My order never arrived.”
“Everything was cold! My fries, my burger, even my milkshake was too cold!”
“Jubilation was nice, but a little annoying. She kept finding excuses to keep our conversation going longer than necessary, I think just to use a bunch of dated ’90s mall kid slang. Then she asked us if we wanted to see something cool, and before I could say no thanks, a bunch of sparks came out of her hands? I’m not really sure what the point of that was, or what reaction she thought I would have, but she seemed disappointed.”
“I’m writing to inform you that one of your employees CLEARLY tampered with my food. The driver, a blue-hair-covered individual who referred to himself only as Beast (kind of a red flag!) delivered a pepperoni pizza to my apartment with some of the pepperoni clearly picked off and covered in blue hair. When I confronted Mr. “Beast” about this he told me it must have been someone at the restaurant. When I pointed out that the hair in question was blue he said “Well, maybe they got a blue guy.” I’ve been to this particular Papa John’s on multiple occasions, and I didn’t see any blue guys! Mr. Beast is a liar and a thief, and I believe you should reprimand him.”
“Dasher asked us to give him a rating of ‘Great,’ which I always find a little pushy, especially when they say it so loud it shatters every window in the building.”
“I’m writing to inform you that one of your drivers has been sadistically stalking and hunting my family since we used your app to order some Jersey Mike’s 3 weeks ago. Last time I checked tipping was not mandatory, and Mr. Sabretooth’s retribution feels extremely lopsided. Please tell your employees that it is not appropriate to stalk and kill customers just because they are not satisfied with their tip, please and thank you!”
“I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but I don’t order food from Doordash to hear the driver’s politics! This driver took one look at the Biden sticker on my mailbox and said ‘Oh, you’re one of those humans, huh?’ He then proceeded to go on a long diatribe about how my race’s time as the dominant species on this planet was at an end, and suggested I bow before my new mutant overlords. Also, he forgot my drink! He tried saying it was the restaurant’s fault, but I bet it was his! Terrible service.”
“Ms . Grey is actually two different Doordashers. One is a kind and benevolent dasher with telekinesis and mild psychic ability. The other is an avatar for a cosmic force of unimaginable power, a chaotic and dangerous entity known as The Dark Phoenix. Neither of them read my delivery instructions.”
“I understand that a Doordasher doesn’t always control how hot the food is when it arrives, but when they clearly have the ability to control fire with their mind, it feels passive-aggressive.”
“I do believe one of the few prerequisites you have for your employees is a reliable mode of transportation. Not only did our most recent dasher not have a reliable vehicle, he had no vehicle at all! He claimed he was faster without one, on account of his enormous wings, but let me tell you, soaring through the heavens majestically did not do the freshness of our Outback Bloomin’ Onion any favors.”
“My order arrived late and the driver, a sort of brooding masterless samurai type, guessed every item in the bag by smell. I thought this and his cigar smoking was intrusive and unprofessional.”
“I ordered a chicken sandwich and fries, not a shady riverboat gambler. Mr. Gambit, if that is his real name, not only rang the bell when I clearly instructed not to, but then used our face time to entice me into, I believe, a game of three-card monte. Highly unprofessional and creepy, not charming as Mr. Gambit seemed to believe.”
“I find it highly unprofessional when someone uses their customer service job as an opportunity to try out standup. Your employee, Mr. Morph, subjected me and my family to a variety of impressions when he dropped off our Chipotle order, and while admittedly he was able to make himself look and sound exactly like the people he was impersonating, he worked blue, and my front porch is not an open mic.”
“Dear Doordash, I recently had a negative experience with one of your employees, a driver by the name of Cyclops. Someone needs to have a serious talk with Mr. Cyclops about boundaries. When he rang the bell he assured us he had done a full perimeter sweep of the dining site, which we did not ask him to do. He insisted on being present for our meal, and when I objected he kept telling me I needed to ‘remember who’s the leader of this team.’ When we finished eating he kept giving us a bunch of platitudes about our teamwork. We just ate some Popeye’s dude, chill out!”
“Driver kept warning me not to touch her, which I was not going to do! Oftely presumptuous from someone who addressed me as “Shugga.” Evidently, she has some sort of skin condition that causes bad things to happen any time she is touched. Should she be handling food?!”
“I had a terrible experience with my most recent order. Your driver claimed to be from the future and told every member of my family when and how we would die. You would think Mr. Bishop could have applied his gift of foresight to not be 23 minutes late with our McDonalds. Do better.”
“Do you guys check the immigration status of your drivers?”
“He was like a regular Doordash driver, but with a metal leg. He may have had a mutant ability to understand any machine, it’s not clear, and it didn’t really come up in our brief interaction. I’m not sure why I’m writing this.”
“My order was delivered by a ghoulish-looking man in a cape, and I believe he tampered with my food. Shortly after consuming my Shake Shack, I underwent what can only be described as a sort of forced evolution. My skin turned pale blue, and I’ve been shooting these weird lethal bio-mech darts out of my fingertips. Before I ate that SmokeShack I was Steve. Now, I am ArchSteve, and I’m having a lot of intrusive thoughts about serving Apocalypse. All in all, not a great dining experience.”
“Your app could stand to be more user-friendly. I recently had a problem with an order and was unable to address it from the help menu. There are tabs for “My order arrived late” and “Items missing,” but no tab for “I have incurred the wrath of a powerful storm goddess and it’s been raining on just my house for over a week.” I had to just click “Other” and wasted a whole afternoon just trying to get a human being on the chat. Terrible experience”
“I know your employees are not required to wear uniforms, but you really should enforce some form of dress code. Ms. Psylocke arrived with our food on time, but in a needlessly sexualized outfit that left very little to the imagination. It was some sort of bondage-oriented one-piece that seemed extremely out of place for someone dropping off our Taco Bell to be wearing. My 11-year-old son definitely imprinted on her.”
“Dasher arrived at the door in the form of my dead wife, which I found to be inappropriate. Also, I specifically said not to ring the bell in the delivery instructions. Not a great experience overall.”
“Order arrived promptly, nice and warm, nothing was missing but it smelled really bad for some reason.”
“Amazing driver! Not only did he arrive ahead of schedule, but he brought a bacon and onion pizza instead of the pepperoni pizza I ordered. Here’s the thing, as soon as I ordered it, I regretted my choice, and wished I had ordered bacon and onion instead! I mean, what are the odds?! Really should have tipped this dude more than $2.”
“At first I was dissatisfied with this driver’s performance. He arrived late, and considering his mode of transport that was no surprise. His hover chair, while impressive, was not fast. I started to complain, but then he held his fingers up to his temple and I realized that this was the single greatest doordasher in the history of Doordash. I am reaching out to inquire how I can tip this driver my entire life savings and the deed to my home.”
High on Fire’s debut album comes at the bottom of the list, but there are no bad High on Fire albums, it’s just that this album feels like it’s half Matt Pike’s former band Sleep, and half nascent High on Fire, and lacks the adrenaline of future releases. While it may have required a tune-up, High on Fire were still a well hash-oiled machine, and since we could love them at their worst, we could more than handle them at their best (or whatever Marilyn Monroe said).
The first time that High on Fire collaborated with a former Melvins Member in the form of Joe Preston, you can feel the growing pains of a band looking to solidify its sound while also branching out into unknown territory. But in the scattershot songwriting still lies many kickass riffs, and proved with a tweaking of ingredients, the proverbial cauldron that was High on Fire’s songs were going to turn us all into gods among men soon.
High on Fire’s second spin ‘round the record table ramps up the tempo, as if waking up from a “Sleep,” so to speak, to deliver an outing that was as Heavy as it was furious, suitable for Warlords of all ages and stages, lest your haters surround you. And they hate us ‘cause they ain’t us. Or they are just shirt enthusiasts, which is just as bad.
The first High on Fire album to be recorded after Matt Pike swapped out booze for the blood of his enemies to clean up his health while approaching middle age, since even rock gods need to watch their diet. This was to the betterment of us all, providing a sense of renewal, reinvigorating the sound of High on Fire, and providing some of their cleanest and meanest sounding material of their illustrious career.
High on Fire’s surprise Grammy win was also a win for the Hardcore scene as a whole, with Matt Pike giving a career best vocal and guitar performance, and giving the man, the myth, the legend Kurt Ballou some much-needed recognition, since his propulsive production prepares all for the pit for this party. It was also the final album with skinsman second to none Des Kesnel, who presumably is spending his days hunting wild beasts in the Louisiana wilderness, in order to skin them to make more brutal drums. An electrifying experience all around. Would they find a drummer just as ferocious…aaaannnnd they have Coady Willis (another ex-Melvin) now, so the answer is hell yeah brother.
Arguably the perfect fusion of High on Fire’s Sludge and Thrash Aesthetics, as the prophecy foretold, this album is based on the theory that Jesus had a twin who became a time traveler, woven into the fabric of history, possibly in the form of one of Matt Pike’s idols Lemmy, and there is proof of this. Born on the 24th of December with flowingly magnificent hair, preaching a message of love and acceptance with an appreciation for sex workers, Lem was a better Christian than most so called “Christians” today, so we accept this tribute to our Lord and Saviour at the number three spot on our list.
Both a kickass album and empirically true statement, since death binds us all, this was the first release to feature now longtime bassist Jeff Matz, doubling the amount of Matts in High on Fire, allowing this Matt-squared iteration to elevate. The mass of Matts now could mathematically equate chess moves on the fretboard of their guitars that doubled the doom, gloom, and metal thrashing mad sound of this album. In the name of the Matt, the Pike, and the fury whip, Amen.
Opening with the title track that provides one of Metal’s all time great riffs, this album is so fire that you can use it to light a fat blunt. Now look in your soul as the music makes your mind start to drift, the tunes provide a lift as you enjoy one of the best metal albums of all time from one of the best metal bands fronted by one of the best guitarists of his time. So when you fall down, just give this album a spin so you can rise up once again.