There are breakup songs, and then there are Kidz Bop covers of songs that are so bad they’ll emotionally destroy you more than the breakup did in the first place. This list is here for you, whether you want to cope with your breakup by testing yourself to see what you can endure, or whether you just want to wallow and go, “this music is trash—just like me.”
“Kryptonite” (3 Doors Down)
This song goes for almost a full minute before you hear a child’s voice. It lulls you into a false sense of security. You think, “Oh, okay, maybe this is just a regular cover. I’m gonna be okay with this.” No. The Kidz Boppers are approaching, and they’re gonna be intoning, “I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon,” utterly drained of emotion, like they’re reciting the Pledge of Allegiance and/or holding knives. This abrupt change is going to blindside you more than your partner coming home and saying, “Fun fact: I don’t love you anymore,” and you will feel just as betrayed.
“Boulevard of Broken Dreams” (Green Day)
This song will have you shouting, “YOU DON’T WALK ALONE! YOU’RE NINE!! YOUR SCHOOL USES A BUDDY SYSTEM! SHUT UP!” You’ll be so furious you’ll chuck a toaster through your window—and look, no relationship will ever do that to you! Only kids singing Green Day can cause this sort of pain.
“Are You Gonna Be My Girl” (Jet)
You will know immediately from the tambourine alone that something is wrong, and then you’ll hear some children—way too many children—scream “Let’s go!” These are instant red flags, and you should stop it while you can and go find something better. Just like your ex did.
“Photograph” (Nickelback)
Look, losing “the one” is probably worse than listening to Nickelback. But it’s not worse than listening to Kidz Bop Nickelback. Nothing is worse. It will kill your ears. We’ve started talking with lobbyists in Washington to see how we can influence politicians to outlaw any more of these covers. (Side note: Kidz Bop needs to chill the fuck out with all the Nickelback. They’ve done at least FIVE Nickelback songs. Like, guys. Stop.)
“So What” (P!nk)
Oh, you “wanna start a fight,” you toddlers? Where, in your orange belt karate class? Nice try, dorks. A grown-up would know that the real place to start a fight is in front of your parents at an Olive Garden, like you did with Claire before she broke up with you and revealed she’s been cheating on you for like three years.
Someone Like You (Adele)
First of all: the tweens singing this do not know heartbreak. (You do, but we’re trying to distract you from that. How’s that going, by the way? Still bad? Dang.) This song replaces Adele’s Grammy-winning belting with the wobbly falsetto of a gaggle of youths, and we discourage you from playing it because we think it might legally amount to torture.
1985 (Bowling For Soup)
For this song, an adult sings the lead vocals, which means we don’t get the pure glee of hearing a child sing lyrics like, “one Prozac a day,” “her dreams went out the door,” and “only been with one man” while having no concept whatsoever of what that means. We’ve been denied something hilarious: 0/10. When the kids say, “make it stop,” we, just like your ex, are right there with them.
Look What You Made Me Do (Taylor Swift)
All of these songs are on here because they hurt to listen to. Some of them shouldn’t be sung by children, some were at least pretty okay songs before and it sucks to see this done to them, and some—like this one—were garbage before Kidz Bop even touched them. This song features the monotoned phrase “look what you made me do” an aneurism-inducing 20 times in 2 minutes. And if that’s what you need to feel right now, it’s here for you.
Use Somebody (Kings Of Leon)
Like a bad relationship, no one’s needs are being met here, and it’s painful. This, however, has the added weird, cringey agony of children singing a song about being lonely and horny. Also, the kid who sings “countless lovers undercover” sounds like such a narc. I guarantee you, that boy has since grown up to become a tax consultant.
Believer (Imagine Dragons)
Look, We’re sure these kids tried their best. But there are not many scenarios where you can replace one adult professional with, like, eight small children and think, “Yeah, this is the same. We nailed this.” No, it’s gonna be a shitshow. It’s gonna crash and burn, like this song, and your last relationship. Besides, Imagine Dragons is already designed to appeal to children, the boppers are just gilding the lily here.
Regenbogenfarben (Helene Fischer & Kerstin Ott)
Oh, you thought we weren’t gonna look at the classic album “Kidz Bop Germany 2”? Think again moron. And now we bet you’re wondering how can we roast “Regenbogenfarben,” a song from an openly queer musical artist with a title that means “Rainbow.” Don’t worry, we got this.
Too many syllables. “Regenbogenfarben” is WAY too many syllables for one word, and it sounds like the name of Rumpelstiltskin’s grandpa. Boom, nailed it. Also, quit trying to take us down you lonely loser.
Beverly Hills (Weezer)
Did you think your ex could upset you in every way possible? This song will find new ways. Children echoing words like “junk!” and “wack!” and “uh-uh!” for an adult singer, like little child hype men? Check. The chorus hitting a high F (no, an octave higher than that) that will split your eardrums? Check. Putting “ah-ahs” that sound—the word that’s coming to mind is “Catholic”—after the guitar solo? Check.
Montero (Call Me by Your Name) (Lil Nas X)
No. Absolutely not. If you have to change “cocaine” to “singing,” it’s not a song for children. No thank you. Burn it.
Sk8er Boi (Avril Lavigne)
Have you ever gotten back together with an ex, and had to go through the relationship falling apart all over again? That’s what this is like, because they did this song TWO TIMES. If listening to that shit doesn’t hurt you more than ruining everything with your ex did, this will: We lied. They actually did the song three times. It’s a “dance remix.” These children are war criminals.
In The End (Linkin Park)
Jesus fucking Christ. Someone at Kidz Bop headquarters listened to “In The End”—basically, “Just Give Up on Your Life Right Now: The Song”—and was like, “Yes. The people need to hear a fourth-grade class and my friend Dave singing this. That is what the people want.” It’s somehow autotuned AND off-key, and it starts with piano provided by what I’m guessing is a 1993 Casio keyboard that’s been sat on a few times. Please, please, please, do not listen to this. Please.
Dishonorable mentions:
All the Small Things (blink-182)
Move Along (The All-American Rejects)
Float On (Modest Mouse)
Vertigo (U2)
The Middle (Jimmy Eat World)
Take Me Out (Franz Ferdinand)
And the fact we called our ex partway through writing this because at least that hurt less than the unbearable pain of 40-plus Kidz Bop albums
So, hey. You can get through this. If you listened to any amount of any of those (and we’re betting you listened to the Kidz Bop “In The End” even though WE SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO), then no one can hurt you more than Kidz Bop already has.
If you’re doing a list of best metal albums for a year, and Cannibal Corpse put out an album that year, it’s on the list. We don’t make the rules. But it helps that this album is also genuinely killer, and one of the best CC albums with the adorable metal dad himself Corpsegrinder at the helm.
It’s Botch. It’s their best album. There’s a reason dudes in their 30s and 40s lost their shit when Botch announced a reunion show and tour. There are bands that have never even heard of Botch, and Botch is still their main influence. This album is immensely listenable and yet not really catchy at all, which is genuinely an impressive feat.
What an absolutely wonderful clown show. And as someone who has taken clown classes, we say that as a compliment. One thing that can be unequivocally said about Sigh is that while you might not like an album, you will not be bored. Great riffs, out of nowhere changes, and then just the weirdest instrumentation. And then there’s the production. Oh, the production! Genuinely some of the most bonkers choices on levels of any metal band ever. Shouldn’t the guitars be louder than the circus organ? Not if you’re Sigh. Maybe the most UNboring band in metal?
Scissorfight has been described as “if Rob Zombie’s ‘Dragula’ was about a snow plow, and the motif was hunting and camping instead of kitschy horror movie stuff.” And… yeah, that’s kind of it. There are Sabbath-inspired riffs, punk, southern rock, and even butt rock. But it’s Scissorfight. However stupid you think it is, they think it’s stupider, which makes it cool. There’s a song on here about a pit-fighting monkey. The opening line to the album is “Weed, guns and axes. We don’t pay our taxes.” Why are you even asking questions?
Either you can roll with Abbath’s “evil Popeye” vocals or you can’t. And we can. We love this band, and this album. “At the Heart of Winter” starts a pretty killer 3-album run for Immortal that took them from mostly being a niche band in a niche genre to a respected metal band. The group seemed to both take themselves very seriously and also not seriously at all. Which makes sense if you’re gonna slap on corpse paint and write albums about a fictional Winter Kingdom. This album is also notable for being their first album to not feature the band on the cover in their cute little coordinated outfits.
However scary black metal bands try to make hell seem, nobody makes it seem scarier than Christian metal bands. Probably helps if you actually believe in it. And we know Zao isn’t really a Christian band anymore, but they were when they put out “Liberate Te Ex Inferis” / “Save Yourself from Hell.” So just let us make our point, jerk. Because for a Metalcore album, this thing feels scary. While maybe not as beloved as their previous effort, “Where Blood and Fire Bring Rest” we think this one goes way harder. Also, this album is arguably where Daniel Weyandt’s vocals went from “Carcass-worship” to “Zao-vocals.” The Carcass-worship is still there, but he’s clearly in his own lane on this album.
This is prime In Flames. Well, it’s prime OLD In Flames. It’s almost bizarre to talk to folks who’ve never heard In Flames now. Not only has their sound changed so much, but they’ve put out so many albums since this era that they really seem like a different band. We know “Clayman” is considered the high point for a lot of fans, but when we think of In Flames, the opening lead of this album’s opening track “Embody the Invisible” is the first thing that pops into our head.
For the following decade, its safe to say this album was one of the most influential Metalcore albums, for better or worse. Similar to Botch, this band’s sound spawned a LOT of shittier ripoff bands, many of whom became much more successful. Not to mention this album is responsible for a lot of really sad entries in diaries and journals. While we’d argue a lot of Metalcore from this time is pretty hard to listen to, this album is actually still very listenable.
Sometimes power metal is just anthemic pop punk with a double bass pedal. And that’s not a bad thing. This album is catchy as fuck and understandably burst this Finnish band onto the scene. The opener “Blank File” alone is worth the ride. The high notes are so high that they band re-recorded the album a few years back and moved the song down a few keys most likely so vocalist Tony Kakko could still hit the notes.
Splits can be weird, and this one is weird. At the time as a Converge fan, who had no idea who Agoraphobic Nosebleed was, the opening AG track, “Mantis,” was immediately jarring in the best possible way. As far as the Converge half, it has “Locust Reign” on it. So you know. Because, C’mon. That breakdown. Jun. Jun. Jun. JUNJUNJUN.
Guitarist (at the time) for symphonic fantasy metal legends Rhapsody, Luca Turilli released this “solo” album in ’99 and it honestly whittled down all the great stuff of his main band, and left out most of the skippable stuff. It’s a straight-forward, catchy fantasy-themed symphonic power-metal album, that has good production and is under an hour. And after a listen, we dare you not to be singing the chorus for “Black Dragon” for the next week.
In the current resurgence and appreciation for death metal, it seems that maybe Immolation is finally getting some of the recognition they deserve. The production on this album is… not good. And yet this album still crushes. It sort of sounds like the death metal counterpart to all the horrible production of Black Metal in the ‘90s. This album is often overshadowed by the group’s next two albums, “Close to a World Below” and “Unholy Cult,” often considered to be two of their best, but I have a real soft spot for this one.
This is where we get in trouble. “Nu-metal” is technically metal, it’s in the name of the genre so back off. But despite hating this album and everyone who listened to it when it came out… we’ve come around. It’s fun. Stupid for sure. But fun. And honestly, Wes Borland really does some interesting stuff here. We can’t even think about Fred Durst and keep a straight face and yet it all kinda comes together in this weird, hilarious, and surprisingly listenable package. And we haven’t even gotten into the influence that this album had on music. And we’re not gonna.
Before Ozzfest and almost breaking into the mainstream and thereby ruining all credibility, Dimmu Borgir was killer symphonic black metal band. The first album by DB to feature bassist and (more importantly) clean vocalist ICS Vortex, who really brought an atmospheric depth to the band, separating them from other bands in the genre. This is prime Dimmu Borgir. We understand the argument of those who like the earlier stuff better but this album and the following one, “Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia,” really hit the sweet spot. PEM just slightly beats this one out due to Nicholas Barker joining the band, but this is still in their top 5 albums for sure.
When this album came out we hated it. But that doesn’t change how important it is in metal. And on a re-listen we can see why plenty of bands have come and gone but Slipknot is still out there doing… whatever the fuck they do. We don’t have to love something to respect its impact. That’s our entire relationship to the film “Interstellar. And the state of Rhode Island.
This is arguably the Mortician album. As the ‘90s are having a moment, this band seems to also be having a resurgence, and for good reason. It’s unrelenting and it exactly what your parents were afraid you were listening to. The production borders on hilarious with the drum machine almost rivaling The Berserker at times. Yeah some of the movie clips are too long, but honestly its a nice rest from this otherwise fun but relentless classic album.
We previously mentioned how killer this 
Following up “Evil Empire” was always gonna be hard. But this is an album that actually has aged incredibly well. Outside of the depressing fact that most of the issues De La Rocha talks about on the album still exist, the music on this album sounds maybe the most ageless of all the RATM albums. And we feel like there is more emotion in De La Rocha’s voice than in the past. And yes we already know a large portion of you reading this will say “Rage isn’t even metal.” Neither is the internet, suck it up.
Their production choices on this album sorta make sense for the genre, but considering the higher quality of production on some of their peers’ albums this year, we sometimes wish they’d been open to not recording this inside what we can only guess was an aluminum hallway. At the same time, it’s Emperor and it all just adds to the atmosphere.
Arguably a genre-creating album. We know Atheist were a huge influence on DEP, but this album is really its own thing. The gold standard for the mathy-widdley judd judd music that took over the scene. The jazzy parts of this album are underrated as well. So many bands tried to borrow this sound and genuinely nobody could do it remotely as well. Also, it really says something about a band that is this technically talented, and pretty much all anyone talks about is how insane the live show is.
Easily in the top 5 Testament albums. Not to mention the only Testament with Dave Lombardo on drums. That alone is worth the price of admission. Like several other albums on this list, if you don’t know this band, this is a great intro. Also at a time when Metallica was stuck doing whatever the hell they were doing in the late ‘90s, Testament put out an album that basically sounds like what everyone was wishing Metallica sounded like. “True Believer” honestly sounds like it could’ve been on a follow-up to the Black Album. And the fact that the vocals go back and forth between thrash singing and all-out screaming makes the album a more interesting listen.
Has anyone ever noticed there is something inherently sexy about Type O Negative’s music? Back in our youth we found it very off-putting. But now we might put on some Type O, and take a shower with the curtain open just checking myself out in the mirror. What’s up hot stuff? Yeah, there’s a lot of hair where we don’t want it, and minimal hair where it should be. But who cares? Looking good. What were we talking about? Oh right. This is a pretty good album.
This is definitely an album we didn’t know about at the time but clearly was influential for a lot of folks. And it’s obvious why. This album kinda has everything. There are big riffs, doomy parts, chaotic parts, and vocals that feel very 1999 in a good way. We remember feeling uncool because we didn’t hear about this band until they put out “Carpe Diem.” And re-listening to this album made us realize how cool we could’ve been if we’d found WHVN when it came out.
It’s hard to overemphasize Today is the Day’s influence on heavy music. They kinda did/do everything. This album is considered a classic in their impressive catalog, and should be checked out just on the basis of it boasting two members of Mastodon. Bran Dailer and Bill Keliher play drums and bass, respectively on In the Eyes of God. This album sounds like what we thought doing hard drugs would feel like when we were a good little D.A.R.E graduate.
What’s that? He put Tom Waits on the metal list, and left out Opeth, Children of Bodom, Dream Theater, and Metallica?!?! Damn right. Cry about it. Tom Waits is metal and if you disagree, YOU’RE WRONG. Very few people can pull off cookie-monster vocals in music that isn’t classically metal. It’s pretty much Waits and the guy from Future Islands, and he clearly takes cues from Waits. This album is an absolute front-to-back classic. We can listen to Cannibal Corpse for hours and feel nothing. If we listen to “Georgia Lee” once, We are depressed for a week. That is metal.
Scurrilous is the third album by Protest the Hero, and the only use of the word scurrilous since the 1920s outside of “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.” It is a pivot point on their musical journey,and the band starts to embrace guitar theatrics and shred more and more, sometimes to the detriment of the songs. This is also the last album to feature original drummer Moe Carlson before his sellout era, going to college to work a square job (literally, as he is a tool and die maker). Not a bad album (and there are no bad Protest the Hero albums), it’s just that with all due respect “Scurrilous,” we wish you weren’t so awkward bud.
Recorded with the blessings of Lamb of God drum gonzo Chris Adler, “Volition” finds balance between the shred and their punk cred, even writing the Newfoundland and Labrador national anthem with “Mist,” to the joy of Canada’s newest province. This was also the last album to feature original bassist Arif Mirabdobaghi, and occasional backing vocalist Jadea Kelly, as they left to pursue other endeavours, signalling winds of change for the boys, and a misty one at that. Best enjoyed among pints and friends, preferably in Goddamn Newfoundland.
Possibly released hoping that people would confuse it with the more successful “Pacific Rim,” this EP feels like an extension of “Volition,” with similar songwriting, vibe, and ragged and jagged energy to it. It’s also the first release to feature Mike Ieardi on drums, and he fits right alongside longtime session/live bassist Cam McLellan, proving that even without Moe and Arif, there were still plenty of riffs in the band, and that’s not Mentioning Rhythm Guitarist Tim MacMillar’s gorgeous keyboard playing.
Released in the year of Satan 2020, this devilishly delectable album proved that Protest were not going down with the rest of the music industry, even if longtime guitar wizard Luke Hoskin retired from touring to focus on writing spellbooks (Guitar Tabs) for novice spellcasters. “Palimpsest” feels more topical and down to Earth with its subject matter compared to earlier releases, covering the then-growing migrant crisis, social unrest, and climate crisis facing us all, even to this day. All accomplished with the class, musicianship that we all love from the boys. The album even features a cameo from Prophagandi bassist Todd Kowalski on the track “the Canary,” and as a result, no further analysis required.
A feminist concept album split into three parts covering the last rights and execution of the titular Kezia, sung from the point of view of the Priest giving the last rights, executioner, and Kezia. This debut established the band as another Canadian legend Ginger Fitzgerald would say, as a “Goddamn force of Nature ” in the National Metal scene. “No Stars over Bethlehem ” kicks off the album like a hailstorm of bullets from a chaingun right out of the starting gate, and the fury doesn’t let up for a single second until the album closes. If this was the sole release of Protest the Hero, we would still be writing an article on this band, with its blend of high-minded ideas and emotional delivery, not to mention the then-young band given’er on all fronts musically. Oh yeah, she’s a monument of dicks and ribs for ya.
The soundtrack to the act of conquest, “Fortress” is a furious, sprawling and enthralling prog metalcore epic, toning down the skate punk influence of “Kezia” and the band is left with a rich, full sound that contains aggression, beauty, and melody in all the right quantities, even cementing lead singer Rody Walker as Canada’s answer to Bruce Dickinson. So good that it shot to number one a former Commonwealth Nation despite containing the lyrics “The Royalty Must Die,” even Queen Elizabeth gave this album two thumbs, but unfortunately perished rich, instead of as a common beggar and petty thief that all monarchs, oligarchs, and Bourgeois are by nature. All we have left to say about this album is, oh Bah’d.
