How To Determine Your Self-Worth by Checking How Many of Your Instagram Friends Are Tied to Semi-Well-Known Public Figures

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

You’ve been doing everything right. You’re hitting the gym. Eating better. Getting outside for walks with the dog. You’re cold-plunging, occasionally. You’re making connections on LinkedIn. Climbing the corporate ladder. You’re reading Brené Brown. Watching Mark Manson videos on YouTube. You even gave a Tara Brach audiobook a try once or twice before deciding it was “good but maybe not for me right now.”

You’re trying so hard. And yet, you still feel incomplete. Like something is missing. Like you are, deep down, a fucking piece of fucking garbage that no one loves or will ever love. 

The hard truth is, self-worth isn’t tied to how good you look, or how smart you are, or how much money you make. You know that. But let me tell you something. It is 100% unequivocally tied to the number of Instagram friends you have who are connected to semi-well-known public figures.

Finally, a way to empirically measure yourself. 

You’ve been wasting all this time trying to feel good. You signed up for Headspace. You listen to the Huberman Lab. And you still feel like shit. Well, why don’t you go, right now, to Instagram and start scouring your followers? Better yet, go look at the people you vaguely know from high school who got kind of big in Chicago improv. Or the ones who manage a handful of fashion models, or photographers, or whatever. Look at who follows them. Wow. Feel that? That’s you feeling better.

You’re on the periphery of the periphery of semi-fame. And that’s where self-worth is cultivated, my friend. That’s where you build the foundational blocks of high self-concept, self-esteem, and “you are enough” energy. Not in the gym. Not with a six-figure salary. On Instagram.

And if you keep scrolling, keep orbiting, keep brushing up against the warm glow of proximity to relevance, you might just convince yourself, briefly, beautifully, that you matter.

Five Finger Death Punch Slated To Play University of Phoenix Commencement Ceremony

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PHOENIX — American metal band Five Finger Death Punch is tapped to perform at this year’s commencement ceremony at the University of Phoenix, sources report.

“Five Finger Death Punch really embodies the spirit of this institution, so it’s an absolute pleasure to have them play at our graduation,” said University President Chris Lynne. “I personally am a huge fan of theirs, and I just know that the whole of our student body appreciates their work every bit as much as I do. It’s going to be incredibly exciting watching them play ‘Wash It All Away’ while our recent graduates line up to receive their diplomas. We will of course be filming the ceremony, too, which will provide excellent footage for our next commercial. I predict our enrollment will at least triple in size once that begins playing before their music videos, as well as Staind and Breaking Benjamin, on YouTube.”

Lead singer Ivan Moody reflected Lynne’s level of enthusiasm for the upcoming performance.

“I think every member of my band has at least a bachelor’s degree from the University of Phoenix, so this is an absolute honor,” Moody said as he adjusted his flat-brimmed Monster Energy Drink hat. “I myself have a B.S. in Business, which is awesome because I really didn’t do anything to earn it, and I can tell people I’m a college graduate when they say my band writes stupid music. We’re really going to show the world we’re the real deal when we open the commemoration with our awesome cover of ‘Bad Company.’ That’ll show everyone who called our catalog ‘dipshit music for lobotomy patients.’” 

Student Kyle Huebner reacted to the news.

“Oh fuck yeah, Five Finger Death Punch is playing graduation?” Huebner exclaimed. “I definitely need to go to the ceremony now. I had honestly forgotten I was still enrolled at the university until I got an email that I would be earning my diploma in a few months, which is surprising because I can’t tell you the last time I attended a class. Now I have a B.S. in Sociology, even though I’m not sure what that is. Whatever. I can’t wait to throw down and start a pit while they’re playing. There aren’t any rules against vaping while wearing your cap and gown, are there?”

At press time, Lynne announced he was planning on awarding the entire band honorary doctorates.

Millennial in Midlife Crisis Looks Into Getting Healthcare

Posted on by Brett McCabe

NEW YORK — Local 41-year-old Brooklyn resident Teri Kraft entered what her friends are calling a “midlife crisis” after requesting information on healthcare plans from her job, confirmed sources.

“Health insurance has always been a dream of mine since a few weeks ago, but, like, what am I? Richie Rich?” said Kraft, referencing a cartoon character whose relevance in this century is only by name. “When my mom was my age, she owned a home and had three kids with a full-time job that insured all of us. Meanwhile, I live in an apartment with three roommates, not including my husband. Anyway, I find myself up late at night on the Kaiser Permanente website reading about healthcare plans, and I even requested dozens of informational pamphlets from Blue Cross Blue Shield. Yeah, I think I have a problem.”

After applying for Medicaid, waiting a month, submitting additional income information, waiting a month, and then submitting more requested verification, Kraft is hopeful that she’ll be able to see a doctor sometime next year.

“Yes, she’s been working full-time for the past four years but, under the paperwork she signed, it’s considered contract work,” explained Kraft’s boss Richard Alberta. “Classifying workers as employees is not a smart business decision because then we would have to provide them healthcare packages and I am not about to look destitute driving to the country club in the same exact sports car as last weekend. We believe she is going through a phase. A midlife crisis, perhaps. Instead of bugging us about needing to see a doctor, we’d prefer that she dyed the grays out of her hair or had an affair with a younger man in Costa Rica. That will get it out of her system.”

Kraft’s friend Milton Addams has been guiding her through the steps he took before acquiring “Obamacare” created by the Affordable Care Act.

“The company I work for hasn’t paid me in four months,” said Addams, copywriter for Mesopotamian Records, who began looking for healthcare after a new nipple piercing got infected. “They stopped responding to inquiries about missing paychecks even though they’re still publishing my work. Fortunately, it qualifies me for Medicaid. It’s great to have one less thing to worry about as I move my belongings from my apartment into my Subaru Hatchback. Though I wish it was a sports car.”

At press time, Kraft’s midlife crisis took an unexpected turn when she all of the sudden got really into the idea of owning a home one day.

Opinion: When I Said I Wanted No More Division in America, I Meant Get Rid of Math

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

As a public servant, I am no stranger to minsunderstantiations. Lord knows I’ve had my fair share of them over the years. As a man enters his eleventh consecutive term as a senator, he is forced to look back on things he wishes he might’ve said differently. 

To this end, I, Senator Ulysses B. Snurds of the great state of Arkansas would like to clarificate some comments I made last week that were taken wildly out of context. In a press conference I was holding to address a brief “neurological episode” I had last month, I said that I wanted to “end political division in America.” Now, some of my colleagues and constitulates have taken this as a sign that I might be willing to reach across the aisle politically and work with the opposition party. But that’s simply not the case. You see, when I proclaimed my desire to end political division, what I meant was I wanted to take math (ie, division) out of the schools, because it perplexes me, a politician. 

Math is a terrible thing. No one should be forced to do it. I mean you open the Bible, you don’t see any stories about Moses solving for X or Jesus doing long division. How is math gonna help people in the current job market? You don’t need math to work in an Amazon warehouse or to drive an Uber. My grandmother never used math a day in her life and she never needed it, right up until the day she died of an accidental insulin overdose. 

And let’s be clear: some people on the interwebs have brought up comments I made about wanting to reach across the aisle. But that was also taken out of context. I simply was quietly expressing my wish to fondle the very attractive young lady on the other side of the aisle at church. There’s nothing partisan about a good fondling. That’s just a fun treat for everybody. 

But the idea that I’d want to reach across the political aisle to work with the Demmycrats is simply absurd. I don’t need to reach across the aisle. There is no aisle. The ‘Crats are basically on our side anyway. We both hate the poors, we both love writing cute little messages on bombs that we mail overseas and we love chowing down on some brisket in Tel Aviv on Spring Break! 

Incel Guitarist Doesn’t Believe G Chord Exists

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

GALLATIN, Tenn. — Local 23-year-old guitarist Brandon Hanish stunned his bandmates this week when he announced, unprompted, that he does not believe the G chord exists, calling it a, “widely debunked myth invented by female musicians to make men feel inadequate,” Hanish’s few remaining friends confirmed.

“I acknowledge the existence of power chords, drop-D riffs, but anything requiring that kind of strenuous finger placement is medically impossible. Show me the science,” Brandon said, gesturing angrily at a Strat replica missing two strings. “Every time someone claims the G chord is real, it’s always secondhand. ‘I saw it in a video… My girlfriend can play it… It’s literally the first chord you are taught!’ That’s not evidence. I’ve been playing guitar for years and I’ve never personally played a G chord, which tells me everything I need to know.”

Hanish’s bandmates have tried to be patient with him but seem at a loss.

“At first it was like, ok, he doesn’t  have a lot of experience and he’ll grow out of it. But he just kept getting more stubborn about it, I think because he struggled to achieve the chord with his stubby fingers,” said a bandmate who asked to remain anonymous but played bass in Hanish’s short-lived neo-grunge project The Ledger. “Anytime we suggested he practice or learn basic theory, he’d say talent should be innate. Like, ‘If the G chord were real, I’d already be able to play it.’ He doesn’t want to get better, he doesn’t want to put in the work, just wants the guitar to meet him at his amateurish level and still be perfect.”

According to experts, Hanish’s beliefs are part of an unnerving yet growing trend.

“We’re seeing more men, boys really, fall into algorithm-driven myths about music. They’re told that certain chords are lies, that practice is beta humiliation, and that if something doesn’t come easily, it must be fictional,” explained Dr. Naomi Stevens, a psychologist specializing in musician radicalization. “Social media rewards grievance over growth. It’s much easier to deny the G chord than to accept that learning requires effort. These myths often frame female musicians as AI-generated or planted gatekeepers of propaganda.”

At press time, Hanish announced plans to release a 90 minute long solo “opus” titled “The Tate Lament” played entirely with a C chord.

Warped Tour Releases 2026 Lineup With Redacted Names To Protect Victims

Posted on by Brett McCabe

LONG BEACH, Calif. — The eagerly anticipated 2026 lineup for Warped Tour was released with a number of the band names redacted to protect victims, to the chagrin of fans.

“None of these matters have been taken lightly,” said tour organizer Kevin Lyman. “The reason some names have been expunged is to protect the identities of bands that still play the Warped Tour as well as fans who have fallen prey to cancelled pop punk and emo frontmen. Historians allege that Warped Tour began as a ‘punk rock’ touring festival, later evolving into a global pedophile ring for scene bands with cheap eyeliner. But I assure you that exclusion of a band name does not constitute wrongdoing. We’re just trying to protect everyone involved.” 

Warped Tour fans were hoping to see some much bigger names on the newly released bill and are demanding justice.

“Growing up, Warped Tour was about seeing guys with bedhead and Manic Panic hair dye enter their phone numbers into a Nokia flip phone belonging to a girl with acne and braces before going back on the road to fulfill their obligations as regional opener for the Glamour Kills stage,” said longtime ticket holder Mark Renault. “Withholding these names is disappointing for me as a fan who needs to know the truth behind the tour, no matter who gets taken down as a result.”

When asked how many bands they have confirmed, a spokesman assured the public that they are “making a nothing burger out of all of this.”

“You sit here, and you attack the Warped Tour, and I am not going to have it. None of you ask about Dahvie Vanity from Blood on the Dance Floor before. You know why? Because Kevin Lyman,” Chris Fronzak began to trail off before trying to change the subject. “Local families have demanded that the names be released so they can be on the lookout for nearby all-ages club shows. But I’m sorry, you’ll just have to buy tickets if you want to see who’s playing.”

At press time, Warped Tour organizers denied the rumors that Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were on the festival lineup.

Metal Band Forces Guitarist to Decide Between Them or His Career at Medieval Times

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ORLANDO, Fla. — Local metal band Grave Mistake issued an ultimatum Tuesday after their lead guitarist Jackson Hollister has been spending less time rehearsing and more time perfecting his jousting at his supposed “day job,” Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament, the band’s manager-merch-tech guy confirmed.

“We’re trying to write an album about ritual human sacrifice to the old sea gods, and meanwhile [Hollister] is showing up late because he had to cover for the torture chamber tour guide. Pick a side, buddy,” said frontman Paul Mercer, who has never held a job longer than four months. “He keeps saying he can’t do a show because he pulled a hamstring in the tilt yard. Last week he asked if we could shorten practice because his chainmail needed to be re-soldered. He’s going to have to either be a serious musician in the world’s only William Hope Hodgson themed metal band or a loser who play-fights for a bunch of Game of Thrones nerds.”

Hollister, however, believes there comes a time to put childish things away and focus on your career.

“Look, the band is fun but metal shows come and go, the crown is forever,” said Hollister, polishing his replica Balmung sword. “But Medieval Times is a career. I’ve got benefits. I’ve got a clear path forward. I’m second alternate for The King, so if Mike’s babysitter cancels and Jerry gets food poisoning again from the leftover turkey legs, I’m in! Do you know how many metal bands have a retirement plan? None. At M.T., if you show discipline, stay in character, and don’t harass the waitresses, you rise like the mighty Aeriophylon.”

Experts say the situation is more common than people realize.

“Metal musicians often reach a crossroads where they have to decide if they are ok touring the country all year to play for a total of 112 people,” explained Dr. Naomi Stevens, a psychologist specializing in heavy metal identity crises. “As they age they’re drawn to structured worlds where battle, hierarchy, and themed alcohol consumption are encouraged. For some, it’s Renaissance festivals. For others, it’s independent wrestling or starting a microbrewery making metal-pun beer names like ‘Haze Of Torment.’ It’s not about abandoning the band, it’s about finding a future.”

At press time, Grave Mistake confirmed they are auditioning new guitarists with the only requirement being their job is soul-crushing and dead end. 

Nice! This Non-Alcoholic IPA Tastes Just as Disgusting as Normal One

Posted on by Trevor Graham

You know, I’m not as young as I used to be and even a lot older than I thought I would ever be. When I was younger, I partied extremely hard because why not? There was no future to live for anyway, right? Well, unfortunately, I ended up blowing past my 20s and 30s, and now I need take better care of myself, which means taking it easy with the booze. That’s why I’m so glad I found this non-alcoholic IPA that tastes just as awful as the piney barf water I usually guzzle down.

I’ve tried all kinds of “NAs” before, and they were all pretty disappointing. And I don’t just mean the fact that they don’t have alcohol in them, I mean they just lack anything special and don’t have any “personality” as it were. But this one has just the right blend of hoppy aroma, a nice amber color, and the perfect amount of that rancid yeast-infused dumpster water quality I love in a good IPA.

The best part is that it costs $18.99 for a four-pack, so I get to have the same sense of self-satisfaction in overpaying for pure disappointment. I see all these other guys in line at my local liquor store with their cheap O’Doul’s and Guinness 0, and I just feel bad for them. I mean, yes, we’re all going home with something that is far inferior to the real thing, and that, in a small way, is a reminder that our youth is gone and we have nothing to look forward to but decay and doctor visits, but I at least have the good sense to buy this quality-crafted diaper juice.

Sure, technically, I could just drink the Gatorade bottles full of piss sitting in the sun left by truckers on the side of the highway for free and get the same effect, but this NA comes in a bottle with an old-timey picture of an octopus on it, which is really cool. Whenever I’m out at a bar, I order this in a bottle just so everyone can see that not only am I responsible for not drinking alcohol, but I like cool things like drawings of daggers and demons and other cool shit on the bottles of fermented, marshy, waste runoff I am currently enjoying.

Summer Festival Lineups Announced as if Society Will Still Be Functioning in Five Months

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Event coordinators have continued to announce and actively promote the lineups for the upcoming 2026 summer music festivals as if society isn’t already going over the cliff and will still be functioning in five months, dozens of performers have confirmed.

“With the way the government is cracking down on dissent and vaccines, the festival grounds will probably be converted to internment camps. All we can do is put on a brave face and announce that Blink-182 and Weezer are going to headline any given three-day event and hope for the best,” said production coordinator Edwin Richards. “Honestly, we’re just announcing lineups to give people something to cling to, that maybe this waking nightmare will pass and everyone will be tripping balls on molly with their friends at Electric Forest in June, if the dollar hasn’t collapsed, that is.”

Regular festival goers even seemed wary about festival season happening.

“Did I already buy weekend passes to Riot Fest and the Warped Tour? Of course. But do I also have this sinking feeling our own military will turn against us and we’ll all be forced into a decades long civil war creating a new diaspora as we sift and scavenge through the ashes of what once were our great cities? Yeah, it’s been in the back of my mind a bit,” said Blake Johnson. “But until then, I’m just stoked to see Atreyu for the first time in like 20 years. And if society falls apart that weekend I’ll at least have my camping gear if I have to live outdoors for the rest of my life.”

Many of the confirmed festival acts felt they had no choice but to push forward.

“As grim as things are looking, we just have to press forward and cross our fingers Trump doesn’t start firing off ballistic missiles at blue cities during our set,” said Neutral Milk Hotel California frontman Dale Leinert. “We’re just getting on any bill we can so we can tour Europe and just not come back, but shit’s been bad for a while now. We’ve had to bail on festivals because of climate change-induced storms, active shooters, and that one MAGA festival that was cancelled for being too close to a school zone.”

As of press time, nearly all festivals have stated that ticket holders would only receive partial refunds should the White House declare all music not sung by Kid Rock illegal.

Tradition, Elegance, and the Height of Fashion: A Breakdown of Prince Andrew’s Lavish $100,000,000 Arrest Ceremony

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s a great day to be a royal watcher! The arrest of former Prince Andrew for misconduct in the office marks the first arrest of someone in the royal family since the 17th century — that’s right — the first great royal arrest ceremony to grace the streets of London in over 300 years! Given that this luxurious tradition is rarer than once in a lifetime, the royals pulled out all the stops to make this royal arrest one to remember! Here’s a timeline of the pomp and circumstance it takes to arrest a royal: 

Former Prince Andrew Escorted to Westminster Precinct in The Diamond Jubilee Paddywagon: 

This is the vehicle every pedophile dreams of being escorted to jail in. A luxurious gold, diamond-encrusted spoke wheel frame holds an inescapable carriage literally built for a king. One can hardly tell the difference between this prisoner transportation vehicle and a giant chandelier! The doors to the wagon were custom-painted for the occasion, with depictions of cherubs engaging in the disgraced prince’s various crimes. 

The paddywagon is sent off from the palace gates by a Guard of Shame, comprised of several hundred British military officials and 1000 palace guards who, while normally maintaining a strict order of silence, are on this rare occasion permitted to snicker and offer the odd “Was all dis den?” and “It’s a royal arrest, init?” 

The Procession Crowd: 

Over 4000 official guests lined the stands, with thousands more crowding the designated viewing areas. Celebrities: too many to count. Anyone who was anyone in the world of high society, film, music, and pedophilia was in attendance, including Bono, Elton John, and the guy who writes songs for Elton John, all dressed to the nines and visibly ashamed of the disgraced monarch. Ghislaine Maxwell was unable to attend but permitted to watch the ceremony live via satellite. 

Arrival at Westminster Precinct

Andrew was seen leaving the Diamond Jubilee sporting his traditional royal formalwear, only with the red replaced by prison orange. His walk from the paddywagon to the precinct steps was scored by a commissioned musical number composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber, a song called “Prisoners” in which he describes various types of Prisoners. Like Cats, but with prisoners. 

The Placing of The Royal Handcuffs 

Gifted to the Royal family by a pope in the 16th century, these solid gold, jewel-encrusted restraints are the only cuffs in the world deemed fit to restrict the movements and prevent the escape of Britain’s most powerful pedophiles. 

St. Edward’s Time Out Chair 

As is tradition, an offending royal is placed in this centuries-old wooden chair for 15 minutes of quiet time to reflect on their transgression. In older times, this was the full extent of the punishment for a royal, regardless of the nature or brutality of the crime. While today Prince Andrew will face at least the possibility of actual consequences, the tradition is still upheld. 

The Charging and The Oath

After Andrew was officially charged with his crimes, he swore on the gold ampulla to uphold his duty as the noblest and highest criminal in all the realm. 

The Sex Party

Held at Buckingham Palace in his honor, this exclusive VIP event is where the bulk of the hundred million dollars went.