MONTGOMERY, Ala. — The Supreme Court of Alabama ruled in a groundbreaking decision that embryos are “extrauterinal children” and plans to next decide the Constitutionality of “pulling out,” sources confirmed.
“This is just the beginning in an important line of cases. We’ve got a major constitutional question on our hands,” said Chief Justice Tom Parker. “‘Pulling out’ prevents life. Now, like an embryo, does that beefy load have rights? We need to interrogate this and come to a decision on whether or not cream pies are the only way Alabamans should be having sexual intercourse. And, if so, who’s to say eggs aren’t life? They’re one of the two main ingredients. Which begs the question? Is menstruation murder? Legal minds should confer.”
Alabama citizens took to the streets to display feelings about the ruling with many displaying protest signs, while others vocalized their support.
“The only one who regulates me is God. So I’m not one for the government interfering in the personal lives of others unless it’s clearly what God wants. And if the government is carrying out what my religion wants then I ain’t got a problem with it,” said Prattville resident Billy Ray Hunter. “This doesn’t affect me much anyway, my wife died when a mule kicked her in the belly back in ‘06. I never found the time to remarry, besides, the doctor said my Mountain Dew habit killed most my swimmers anyway, so I ain’t worried anyhow.”
Legal scholars and law professors weighed in on the future of Alabama sexual fluid law.
“This decision does carry significant weight,” said Law Professor Patty Grant, “We’ve seen sort of a slippery slope argument being made with the legality of future IVF treatment facilities, and that’ll be furthered if the ejaculation evacuation is effectively outlawed. We might soon live in a state where male masturbation is outlawed. We may see a day when semen is considered ‘extra-testicular children.’ This is just a small glimpse of what the future could hold.”
At press time, Alabama’s most Googled search term became “can you get pregnant in hot tub.”
The Living End’s seventh full-length studio effort, was the one with the longest/widest gap between album to album, and said stat didn’t do the band any favors in any way, as it likely was one of many catalysts in making the album lose this competitive medal ranking race via the non-honorable stinker #8 position. Still, ANY record from The Living End is a gift from the lord above, so we’re not that made about this one, and we’re glad that the band kept on running to a German sounding and tasting follow-up LP. If you had the chance to see the band on this album’s run through the United States, you are not only a rare breed, as TLE NEVER comes here, but you’re lucky as well… Few bands match The Living End’s musically dense power trio sweat-soaked live set!
Perhaps the fact that The Living End’s eighth and final full-length studio LP as of press time, was their lone album to be recorded in Europe, was the reason for its eponymous album title. It’s like that time we went to England and kept saying “the lift” every time we talked about an elevator. And we talk about elevators a lot, but regardless, this album was more of a sonic return to form after “Shift,” so we’ll take our Königsberger klopse with a generous helping of Labskaus and drop the needle on the vinyl one more time. Anyway, the band signed with notable metalcore and post-hardcore label Rise Records, and said partnership may not make sense on paper, but it sure does in our reverential Warped Tour hearts.
The first solid LP referenced here, The Living End’s sixth full-length LP is ranked sixth here, and had the unfortunate statistic of being the first follow-up to the perfect “White Noise.” While it sadly didn’t make much of a dent domestically, likely because few people here even knew that the band existed anymore, “The Ending Is Just The Beginning Repeating” did the polar opposite in Australia, and actually won the ARIA (Australian Recording Industry Association Music Awards) Award for the Best Rock Album. Produced by Nick DiDia of Powderfinger, Dirty Honey, Nine Days, and GG Allin notoriety, and mixed by Brendan O’Brien of every band in the early-’90s fame, this album is one of the better-sounding releases from TLE and truly deserves your both attention and time in the morning and evening, but definitely NOT the afternoon, but that’s for another day.
One step behind? Maybe? Anyway, we here truly feel that The Living End’s fourth LP is their first one to have zero chance here in the United States of America/Benetton for many reasons and one being that the powers above are a bunch of meatballs, but the band certainly didn’t act as if they knew or were aware of any of that, as it rocks and rolls from Alabama to ambulances. In addition, said record not only is their second highest selling effort in Australia, but it debuted at the number one position on the aforementioned ARIA charts… NUMBER. ONE! Reborn. Still we don’t know what’s on your television, mobile phone screen, or, wait for it, radio, but we do know that several songs from “State of Emergency” are on Aussie devices and that makes their vegemite much, much, much spicier and chock full of taste.
The Living End’s sophomore LP was far from a slump musically, and less like a hyperactive version of The Stray Cats a la their debut album and more like a more straight-ahead version of the late-’70s British punk rock scene, in a truly good way. Also, not enough credence is given to drummer Travis Demsey for his work on “Roll On,” of whom this is his last record, but we want you, the uber-smart and savvy reader, to recognize such, as well as to bow down to his replacement, the beyond capable Andy Strachan, and pray to the heavens regarding the epically awesome mainstays of TLE, vocalist/guitarist Chris Cheney and upright bassist/vocalist Scott Owen. Fun fact that is funner than you think: This album is also the band’s first of many to feature the band on its cover. In closing, DON’T SHUT THE GATE!
Short notice? So what! One said to the other that while entries number four and three here may change on the day, the week, month, year, Jimmy, or the freaking decade, the more, uh, modern entry wins today over the smelly gymnastics mat entry, so “MODERN ARTillery” wins the bronze medal; in the end, that’s all that matters anyway. If you want to be a saucy little tomato, start your listen to “MODERN ARTillery” with its epic final track for the “play it again” highlighted song, “The Room,” and try not to marvel. Also, track four here, “End of the World,” has the distinction of being featured on the soundtrack for “Tony Hawk’s Underground 2,” which undoubtedly exposed the band to poser dorks like you worldwide. Yes, we are certainly putting you down, and no, we won’t hold or let up.
It’s quite fitting that “White Noise,” The Living End’s fifth full-length studio album, came out almost exactly ten years after the band’s self-titled debut was released, AND that it’s easily their second best… NUMBER FIVE IS NUMBER TWO! Sadly, “Wunderbar” came out ten years after this LP and it isn’t in the bronze slot in this piece or anywhere else, so we hope that TLE puts out another full-length in 2028 to counter Germany. Like pretty much every album after #1, there were crickets domestically for The Living End, but “White Noise” would have pleased American fans of Green Day, Jack White and Led Zeppelin, so open up your ears, jackasses! FYI: There are no “skip it” tracks for this record and the gold medal winner below. If you disagree, take it up with the other Karens in your life and check your ego at the end of the world.
What more could be said about one of the more underrated/sufficiently aggressive rock debuts of the 90s? Well, like we stated so epically in the last section, there are no “skip it” songs on this LP or on the silver medal-winner, so if that monumental chosen statistic by yours truly doesn’t get you to log into your bloody sister Mary’s Tidal account and stream a track, thus donating a more than whopping .0004 cents to The Living End’s former record label, our second solution indicates that we don’t know what will, and that makes us feel trapped and torn down in a bloody riot. Still, we’ll be here next Saturday regardless, with American assault rifles and our heads down low. The ending of this piece is closing in on us all, so if you only have an hour left to live, listen to “The Living End”.
It was clear by the early ’90s that Slimer was the star of “The Real Ghostbusters,” but the likeliness of him feeling the crushing weight of carrying the show (and haunting Michael’s house for some reason) wouldn’t lead to any significant substance abuse, on account that he is already dead.
We could’ve sworn ALF was a puppet, but I guess his agent busted the execs at CBS’s balls to be in on this thing. Regardless of him being retconned as a cartoon for the purposes of drug abstinence, it’s hard to imagine him tripping balls unless eating cats gives you some kind of natural high we’re not aware of.
Well he’s a lasagna addict that’s for damn sure, but aren’t we all? Now let’s keep in mind this production was from a time when Garfield was actually funny and needed to bring his A-game and be “on” all the time, a little pick me up every now and then might be necessary. Perhaps all those naps were combination food/barbiturates comas?
It’s hard to believe that there isn’t a single mushroom-shaped Smurf dwelling that doesn’t have hallucinogenic properties. Our money is on Brainy Smurf, on account it’s always the ones you least suspect. Who the hell knows what he’s cooking in that lab of his?
The gruesome, and sometimes self-inflicted, injuries Daffy has endured over the years make him a prime candidate for relying on oxycodone just to get through a day of filming. He’s old-school Hollywood, after all.
You can only take so many wrong turns at Albuquerque before people suspect you’re burrowing under the influence. It also doesn’t help his case that he makes his appearance in this special as a cop, so there’s a pretty good likelihood he’s helping himself to the goods in evidence storage, if you catch our drift.
You cannot convince us that Tigger isn’t a meth addict. I mean just look at him! And the fact he makes his appearance special by bounding out of the bushes unannounced doesn’t help his case either.
The jury is still out on Pooh though. He’s much too chill to become a junkie, but it wouldn’t be shocking to find out he “accidentally” ingests Himalayan mad honey on a regular basis.
Truth be told, the future was never looking bright for Mikey. He can lambast others about drug-induced poor decision-making, but fact is that an incalculable amount of drugs are flushed into the sewers every year, and given his predilection for partying that makes him a textbook high-risk teen(age mutant ninja turtle). Not long until he’s stealing Donatello’s Adderall to fund his crippling ketamine dependency.
The one thing the Muppet Babies had going for them was their unparalleled gift of imagination, but that can only get you so far. Don’t be shocked if all those unsupervised shenanigans in the nursery turned into rampant LSD use to expand their minds.
There’s lots of evidence that many artists’ best work came to be while under copious amounts of drugs, so it’s entirely within the realm of possibility that the Chipmunks would attempt to leave cover songs behind and write their own material fueled by enough blow to kill a capybara. Coupled with a grueling touring schedule and strict stage dad, the brothers were a sure bet to end up booted from their record label and in rehab by 1996.
Don’t let their leading “There’s a Million Ways to Say No” fool you, these are trust fund kids and they are always going to do trust fund kid crap. They’re just one globe-trotting adventure away from smoking PCP at an illegal rave in Thailand before burning through their inheritance on a crippling heroin addiction. Life is like a hurricane, indeed.
Granted he and Barbara technically only were in the intro for 30 seconds, but you mean to tell us that he didn’t once try crack before the CIA used it to destroy black communities? We’re not buying it. Just look at his kid and you’ll see the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.
Out of all Linda Blair’s post “The Exorcist” movies, “Hell Night” is certainly… uhm, one of them. Four college pledges spend the night in an infamous house of horrors, unaware that it is the home of a maniac who picks them off one by one. It’s nothing groundbreaking and a little uneven, but if this one is on your radar, congratulations, you probably have no marketable skills.
Years after a boy accidentally shoots his mother attempting to clean his father’s gun, the dad has a meltdown and seeks revenge against the boy and all his friends. Yes, it’s insane that this movie is bookended by the upbeat sitcom opening-esque song “Fall Break,” it’s a bonkers choice that does not match the tone of the film at all, but you really need to stop talking about it at job interviews.
This movie has long been criticized as a shameless “Halloween” rip-off, but you yourself have long been criticized as an unemployable train wreck who just can’t get their shit together. The truth hurts is what I’m saying.
It’s standard slasher fair but its unique snowy setting will give you something to talk about while dodging questions like “So how’s the job search coming?”
A bullied high school nerd gets revenge on his abusers by staging a fake reunion and locking them in the school where he picks them off one by one. It’s no “Halloween,” or even “Halloween 5,” but what else were you gonna do today?
We all know the spa is supposed to be a place of health and relaxation, but what if, instead of that, they MURDERED you?! That’s the premise, and it’s more than you deserve. And hey, Ken Foree is in it! You know who he is because you haven’t had a job since before the pandemic.
This is your classic young people in the woods being murdered formula with a fun twist totally worth blowing off that job fair for.
The title is a little misleading. At no point do any of the characters get hit with overdraft fees and an eviction notice on the same day. Can YOU survive? Seriously, can you?
6 women, each auditioning for the same film role at a mansion, are targeted by a deranged killer, but hey, at least they’re trying to find work. What have you done all day?
A slasher villain who rides a motorcycle?! Oh shit, guess checking for entry-level job postings on Craigslist will have to wait, this demands your attention!
Of all the college sorority-based horror movies of the ’80s you can watch in the middle of the day instead of attempting to improve your life in any way shape or form, this is one you maybe haven’t done that with yet.
Sure, the Friday the 13th franchise is far from underrated, but this one has always been the black sheep of the franchise and frankly, we think it’s about due for a “Halloween 3: Season of the Witch” type resurgence. It was unfairly maligned upon its release because it doesn’t feature Jason, focusing instead on a copycat killer, but it’s a perfect time capsule of peak ’80s sleaziness, and championing dumb opinions is the closest thing to a job you have.
Another sorority pledge gone wrong horror movie. Man, a lot of these horror movies take place at college. Probably best you don’t finish school.
A competent, well-executed by-the-book slasher with a fun twist that will leave you, well, pretty much the same unemployable mess, but you’ll have seen this movie!
While largely underseen, this slasher inspired by the legend of Cropsy has long enjoyed cult-classic status among horror aficionados. If you haven’t already seen it, face it, you have time to watch an ’80s slasher where you see Jason Alexander’s big ol’ butt, and while that might not be an ideal mode of life, you should take advantage of the perks.