SANTA FE, N.M. — American novelist George R.R. Martin admitted that his highly anticipated book “The Winds of Winter” was once again delayed due to the fact he spent the last month writing 8,000 letters to Harry Styles, frustrated sources confirmed.
“I’m sure fans won’t like this update. The book is still not done, but I’ve had a lot going on. I was working through a particularly difficult Arya chapter for ‘Winds’ when I decided to unwind and relax with a Harry Styles dance party. His music broke me out of my funk and inspired me to write again, so I had to let him know my feelings,” said Martin from his home covered in hundreds of One Direction posters. “Harry is truly everything I could dream of. The heart of a Dothraki warrior, the cunning of a Lannister lion, the honor of a Stark wolf. His motto ‘Treat people with kindness’ is beautifully unique and original. I’m sure fans are surprised to hear of my obsession, but I’m very pleased to learn that the letters did arrive safely, considering I sent half of them by raven.”
Chris Cowan, a fan of “A Song of Ice and Fire,” was surprised and disappointed by the news.
“Look, I already know how the series ends because I watched the worst final season of a television show in recent history. It was even worse than the end of ‘Dexter,’ which I didn’t think was possible,” said Cowan. “Even so, I’ve continued to wait patiently to read George’s version for over ten goddamn years. And then he comes out and admits he’s intentionally delayed the book so he could write 8,000 letters to Harry Styles? Fine, put Bran on the throne. I’m done. I’m going to go read Sarah J. Maas books instead, at least she delivers product.”
Lewis Holdrum, an attorney representing Harry Styles released an additional statement about Martin’s behavior.
“There is no other way to put this, but Mr. Martin is a stalker. The letters my client received from Mr. Martin are incredibly disturbing,” said Holdrum. “I’m aware that Mr. Martin is a fantasy author, but the fantasies he wrote about Mr. Styles are truly perverted. Personally, I’ve never seen anything so lewd. At least 3,000 of the letters contained incredibly detailed descriptions of feasts, with my client as the main course. Truly unhinged.”
At press time, Martin was seen at his ancient word processor adding a knight named “Harrold Stylings” to the first chapter of “The Winds of Winter.”