NEW YORK — Scientists at the Fashion Institute of Technology confirmed there is no way to take off a pullover sweatshirt without showing everyone your belly, exposed sources confirmed.
“We’ve tested every possible method to remove a pullover, but despite our best efforts, we couldn’t find a single foolproof way to prevent revealing your midriff,” said Remy Knight, an FIT scientist devoted to this issue. “You’d think one hand holding your shirt down while the other takes the sweater off would work, but countless trials have proven otherwise. It’s like texting and driving; people really overestimate their abilities, often with dire consequences. Our other big ideas like clips, tape, or tucking in, have also proven no match for the incredibly powerful force of a sweatshirt clinging to any material underneath. Truthfully, I think we’ve uncovered a new law of physics.”
Colby Barber is relieved to learn he is not alone.
“This happened to me last week when I foolishly walked into an indoor botanical garden wearing a pullover hoodie. As I was hit with a wave of greenhouse heat, I was forced to choose: expose my hairy belly to an atrium full of innocent bystanders or die of heatstroke,” Barber said, starting to sweat at the thought. “I try to stick to zip-ups as much as possible, but then laundry day hits, and I have no choice. I need to be able to regulate my body temperature, but the cost is public embarrassment. It’s almost enough to make me want to buy one proper jacket.”
Shelby Hill works at a company that manufactures pullovers and is working to solve this.
“As soon as we heard this news, we dedicated every R&D resource we have toward this problem. None have succeeded, but we’re making significant progress on a fleece material that causes nearly zero friction,” said Hill. “We’re even collaborating closely with NASA, who are interested in its modest application during spacesuit removal. Between that and our prototype of an advanced adhesive that bonds to only tummy skin, we think we’re on the cusp of the perfect solution. Well, besides zippers. Those and buttons work super well, but we make pullovers, not zip-ups, so obviously, those are out.”
At press time, a researcher was on the verge of successfully removing his pullover while keeping his shirt down but tragically died after forgetting to remove his hat first.