Guy About to Cum Won’t Shut Up About it

Posted on by Mike Moran

FRESNO, Calif. — Local man Brett Motts recently monopolized the final 22 seconds of a mutual copulation exchange, reiterating repeatedly the nearness of his approaching orgasm, confirmed sources. 

“I mean, I’m used to guys going on and on about themselves and their interests, but listening to someone repeat the same thing over and over while they’re on top of you is exhausting,” said romantic partner Kerry Dolce. “He told me he was going to cum like eight times. Talk about mansplaining. I’m not dumb, you don’t have to keep reminding me. He even cried out to Jesus Christ at one point. I’m fairly agnostic but how about we keep Christian theology out of this.” 

Motts attempted to stay humble about the situation. 

“Perhaps I did go a little overboard with my repeated proclamations about my inevitable climax, but honestly it’s all I could think about at the time. It’s like it just took me over,” pleaded an embarrassed Motts. “For a second there I nearly went on my phone to post about how I was going to cum, I just needed everyone to know. I even forgot about my student debt for a minute. I’m not sure what came over me. I have no idea where the term, ‘blowin’ mad jars of oyster gak’ even came from.”

Sex expert Dr. Julia Gibbings of the Kinsey Institute of Indiana weighed in on the situation.

“Though excessive talk about one’s own state can often be taken as a narcissist trait, it’s actually fairly normal for the male to want to discuss nothing else in the moments leading up to the orgasm,” explained Dr. Gibbings. “We have conducted multiple studies where we try and indulge men in their favorite subjects just as ejaculation approaches, and as surprising as it is, they would rather discuss cumming over World War II, Tarentino films, or even their favorite Simpsons quotes. We even tried to provoke one test subject by insisting The Special Editions of Star Wars were the superior versions. He barely even noticed enough to argue.” 

At press time, it became clear, through repeated assertions, that Motts was again, “going to cum like a package of coconut-flavored Gushers.”

Everyone Hates Him! This Guy is JD Vance

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Have you ever encountered someone so obnoxious, terminally unlikable that you’d sooner kill yourself than be seen within a ten-mile radius of them? What if I told you they also wield an unfathomable amount of power, which they abuse daily, only amplifying their universal unlikability? In case you haven’t figured it out yet, we’re referring to none other than JD fucking Vance.

“My family still won’t forgive me for voting for Trump, but I won’t forgive myself for letting that dead-eyed mouth breather weasel his way into the White House. He has the aura of a friend’s annoying little brother who won’t shut the fuck up about not letting him win in Mario Kart. If he becomes president, the world is going to take us even less seriously than it does now.” 

That’s a quote from the most racist old white man we could find. In Boston. 

It’s not often that so many people from all races, creeds, and colors can come together and agree that someone sucks, but sentient helium balloon JD Vance has made that dream come true. The data doesn’t lie!

“Our latest Quinnipiac poll broke down the unadulterated vitriol against the Vice President, indicating 36% of Americans believe he’s the kind of guy who’d call the cops on a house party when he loses at beer pong, while 40% get the feeling he inserts himself into other people’s inside jokes,” said Bryce Johnson, one of the nation’s top pollsters. “The remaining 24% simply stated ‘Ohio’, which is more damning than anything else.”

“There’s just something about him that induces a viciously negative reaction whenever I see him or hear him talk, and I’m not even talking about his politics. Every opinion he has is the worst take on anything I’ve ever heard, not because he’s always lowkey shilling for his billionaire benefactors but because he’s trying to put on a tough guy act when he could probably be defeated by ticking him.”

Truth be told, it’s not fun watching a man lead an agenda so catastrophically bad it’ll destroy millions of livelihoods and industries. But give him credit, folks — no matter how bad you think you have it, he still has to look at himself in the mirror every day and know that nothing he does will ever buy him a genuine ounce of respect from anyone, and that includes animals.

Thanks for taking one for the team JD, and by all means, burn in hell. 

Bandmates Makes Pact If They’re Still Alive at 27 They’ll Kill Each Other

Posted on by Matt Husser

TACOMA, Wash. — Members of punk band The Shitbutts renewed their commitment to joining the 27 Club with a pact to kill each other if they’re still alive at 27, sources confirmed.

“At the rate we’re going, I’m 99% sure I’ll be dead at 27 after succumbing to a heroin overdose or getting shot after I fuck some biker’s old lady, but some things you just don’t want to leave to chance—like turning 30,” said frontman Mac McReady. “So I made our drummer Tim promise that if I’m somehow still alive before my 28th birthday he’d kill me in some legendary way, and I’d do the same for him. Push a tower of speakers over on me, stab me in the eye with a drumstick, whatever it takes to join Cobain and Hendrix in sonic valhalla.”

The Shitbutts drummer Tim Crawford admits he regretted ever making the 27 Club pact with McReady.

“Jesus, I wish Tom would let it go, we made that stupid 27 Club pact when we were nineteen—how was I supposed to know we’d live this long? I can’t die yet, I haven’t even gone through the ‘go to rehab and marry a porn star’ phase of my music career yet,” said Crawford, looking over his shoulder. “I turn 28 next month so now I gotta make sure he doesn’t electrocute me during mic check or poison my PBR before the show. Bet that dumbass hasn’t even thought about who is gonna kill him if he offs me first. Our bassist, Greg? Greg’s 40, is married with two kids, and faints if someone gets a nosebleed in the pit.”

The Shitbutt’s longtime manager Bart Ternsdale was reportedly tired of hearing about the bandmates’ pact.

“You know what Morrison, Joplin, and Winehouse had that these guys don’t? Fucking fans! Those clowns should worry less about joining the 27 Club and more about getting 27 living people to show up to their next gig,” said Ternsdale, stapling a poster to a utility pole. “Sell out a couple of concerts and then I’ll consider sabotaging the light fixtures above the stage and sending them out in a blaze of glory. But until then, no one is gonna care if some warehouse workers that moonlight in a punk band die in a tragic paint huffing explosion after an empty basement show—except Greg, everyone would miss Greg. “

At press time, McReady was disappointed to learn he actually turned 29 three months ago.

Well Then, I Guess You Can Say I “Goon” Your Father – Guest Post by Mom

Posted on by Dan Rice

There you kids go again, snickering over another one of your little “inside jokes.” I bet you think your old mom is way too out of touch to know what you’re talking about. You think I don’t keep up with the memes and the TikToks, you think I’m not hip to the lingo, but guess what? Mom is a little bit cooler than you give her credit for. You’re talking to a lady who plays Wordle every day, so yes, I’ve cracked your little code, and I’ll prove it. Kids, I goon your father. 

Oh, would you look at that. Suddenly, everyone is too shocked to laugh! Well, pick those jaws up off the floor and believe it, you mom is one spry lady. I’ve been eavesdropping on your little joke-offs, and I’ve pieced together that “gooning” means to love something so intensely you want to become one with it, and that is exactly how I feel about your dad. I goon your father, and you know what? I goon you kids too. Your mom is just a big ole’ gooner for her husband and her wonderful children.

Oh, I “can’t say that?” Why, because I’m old? Because hearing mom use your cool young person words makes you feel lame? Well, tough cookies, because this lame old lady goons you all from the bottom of her heart. Oh, really, I don’t know what I’m talking about? Well then, let’s all have some poppers! 

That’s right, I’ve got poppers in the oven right now, cream cheese and cheddar. I wasn’t sure which ones you liked the best, but I know you’re always talking about them! Honestly, it’s so silly of you kids to whisper and snicker about fried jalapenos stuffed with cheese when your mom could have just made them for you at any time! Now we’re all going to sit down, hit some poppers, and have a nice long goon as a family. 

Oh, look at how embarrassed you are. Well, I don’t care. I will never apologize for loving my kids! And maybe you’re too “cool” to say it, but I know deep down you all goon Mommy. And you’re gonna gonna goon Mommy a lot more once you get a hit of these poppers, I got the expensive kind! 

Just do me a favor and keep the snickering to a minimum at dinner tonight? Your father’s dom will be joining us. 

Diddy to be Allowed Conjugal Freak-Offs

Posted on by Mark Shady

FORT DIX, N.J. — The Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institute announced that it has granted Sean “Diddy” Combs conjugal freak-offs, confirmed sources. 

“We’ve been taking a lot of heat for this decision and I’m not just talking about how that lube gets, like, overly hot when it’s applied,” began Jay Merkel, spokesman for the New Jersey Department of Corrections. “But we’re trying to avoid him being on suicide watch. Combs going from his normal, everyday orgies to no group sex whatsoever has taken a toll on his psyche. After intensive in-house psychiatry visits, it was decided for his mental health that Swag will be allowed conjugal visits, but in the manner he was most acclimated to. After all, just because you’re in prison doesn’t mean you can’t also have a little fun.” 

Love/Brother Love himself had quite a mixed bag reaction to how the first one went.

“It was fun, but not the same,” admitted Combs. “I’d actually call it more of a ‘mess-around’ because they were, in comparison, pretty tame. Didn’t help that a guard had to be present the whole time too. We used to spread out in the privacy of my house after a White Party with Ashton Kutcher. Now I can only invite 10, maybe 12 guests and we have a strict 15-minute time limit. And that federally issued baby oil is way too diluted. I prefer Johnson’s. I also used to have Ray-Jay video everything for me to review later, but I can’t do that here either.” 

Correctional psychologist Dr. Amber Pritchard explained the psychological motivation which may accompany such a radical accommodation.

“They have something to look forward to other than the monthly movie night,” said Dr. Pritchard. “But it only works when the other inmates receive privileges unique to their interests as well. For example, when R. Kelly made it one whole month without asking the guards for photos of their daughters, he was allowed to urinate on an inmate of his choosing. If Joe Exotic from ‘Tiger King’ was on good behavior behind bars, he was allowed to hang out with a wild lion in his cell for a whole day. Luckily, we keep one on-site at all times.”

At press time, the Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institute announced that they have moved Combs to a larger cell in order to accommodate the sheer size and volume of the “freak-offs.”

Apple Introduces Single-Use ‘iPhone Loosie’

Posted on by Matt Husser

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the next generation iPhone today, a new disposable single-use iPhone Loosie, sources confirmed.

“For too long the iPhone has been weighed down by the albatross of useless features like headphone jacks, speakers, and rechargeable batteries. That’s why we set out to create a new iPhone that’s so lighter, slimmer, and 10x more disposable than any previous iPhone model. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the future: the single-use iPhone Loosie,” shouted Cook to a feverish crowd of Apple superfans wildly gyrating and foaming at the mouth. “The height of convenience, now you can toss your iPhone after you’ve sent one text or listened to a single song, and just pull out a new one from the iPack. Running out of iPhone Loosie’s got you itching for more? Just head down to your nearest Apple Store and get your fix for just $2,000 per iPack.”

Apple superfan Frederick Clarke raved about the next generation iPhone’s sleek design and revolutionary expendability.


“I don’t know how these geniuses keep doing it, but the iPhone Loosie is a game-changer! Five-minute battery life, thin and brittle enough to snap in half if you hold it wrong, and best of all, with 20 in the iPack it only costs $100 per iPhone!” exclaimed Clarke, hands shaking as he slid out another Loosie. “These things are so addictive that I’m already on two iPacks a day. My only complaint is that everywhere I go some punk is asking if they can bum an iPhone, but I just tell them the last one is my iLucky.”

Samsung Research and Development Director Simon Song was already scrambling to develop an even more wasteful disposable phone.

“Goddammit, we were just months away from a new phone that explodes 10 seconds after you hang up like in Mission Impossible, Apple can’t keep getting away with this! Call an emergency meeting, I want the entire R&D building to drop everything and get me a Samsung Galaxy phone that disintegrates in your hands on my desk by Monday!” shouted Song, hurling a prototype into a wall. “See that dent in the wall? I want that phone to vaporize into billions of particles so small you can inhale them! I want to see the shimmering ash of rare earth minerals born from a million phones dancing on the wind! I want the next Samsung Galaxy to be so ephemeral philosophers need to reevaluate the very concept of existence!”

At press time, Apple was reportedly distributing free iPhone Loosies at schools across the country to get them hooked young.

I Saw One Single Teenager Act in a Manner I’m Unfamiliar With: Here’s What That Says About an Entire Generation

Posted on by Alex Aho

I have to admit it; I’m getting old. But I like to think that I’m still in touch with the youth. I may be a little washed up, but I’m hip enough that I can translate what young people say and do for adults. So when I found myself mildly irked by something a teenager did this morning, I felt compelled to make a vastly sweeping claim about their entire generation based on that one single interaction.

When I picked up coffee today, I learned from my teenage barista that the price rose to $5.69. Naturally, I said, “Heh heh, sixty-nine,” in response. To my surprise, my young barista did not chuckle. They just waited until I paid for my order, thanked me, and moved on to the next customer. That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks: teenagers just don’t have a sense of humor anymore.

When I was a teen, my friends and I laughed at “sixty-nine” all the time. It never got old! Decades later, everyone thinks the exact same joke is still funny to say over and over again. I bet I wasn’t even the only middle-aged person to say it to them this morning, and wouldn’t be the last of everyone in line waiting behind me. It’s an unfortunate example of how teens today just don’t want to loosen up like we used to.

In fact, I’ve read that Gen Z doesn’t drink. Good for them, honestly, but I can’t help but feel a little judged when I come to the café hungover at eleven a.m. on a weekday. I may have trouble seeing the sun before I’ve had my morning pick-me-up, but I sure can see those uppity eyes waiting for me to finish my transaction. It only takes two seconds to laugh, even during a busy shift. Heck, I’m on the clock too, and I can find time to have fun while dodging remote work. Why can’t they? I suppose today’s young people are just more serious than we are. 

Look, I know I sound old. I know I sound out of touch. I know that my parents complained about people my age when I played video games on a single sunny afternoon. And that their parents complained about kids their age when they got caught smoking weed one single time. But I really think this generation is different. I can’t speak for everyone my age, but I personally choose to accept that everyone their age behaves this way, and I won’t let it ruin my late-morning coffee.

Oh look at that, she just laughed at someone saying “six-seven.” They’re trying, I guess. 

Unemployed Guy Still Does Casual Fridays

Posted on by Jeff Bender

HUNTERSVILLE, N.C. — Former talent acquisition specialist Remy Dolan confirmed this week that he still honors his old company’s tradition of Casual Friday despite not having worked since July, mildly disgusted sources reported. 

“Oh shoot, I almost forgot. It’s Friday, isn’t it? I guess I should get out of these dirty sweatpants and grease-stained T-shirt and into something more comfortable,” said the once-office-favorite at NVIDIA, trading fresh boxers for a used pair of boxer-briefs and pulling over a bleached-stained “Steve’s Bachelor Party Boca Raton 2007” tank. “That’s better. Now I can achieve the same level of production while maximizing my comfort. And to think I was about to run a comb through my hair and put on some deodorant.” 

Dolan’s wife confirmed that even though he does nothing all day, her husband remains committed to the rhythms—and platitudes—of the workweek. 

“I come home and the leaves aren’t raked, the breakfast dishes are festering in the sink, and the front door is mysteriously ajar. Our Netflix history shows he watched all of ‘The Sopranos’ and ‘The Crown’ in three days,” said Harriet Dolan, a local mortician. “And yet he groans about how he can’t wait for Hump Day and ‘Is it Friday yet?’ Thursday night he sets out his stinkiest, most Bill-Bellichick-awful clothes on the dresser because, I guess, when you’re unemployed, Casual Friday takes on new heights.” 

When asked how he managed Casual Friday at the workplace, Dolan’s former supervisor admitted there were still some kinks to be worked out. 

“He never really got the hang of it when he was here,” said NVIDIA branch manager Tabitha Scott. “Sometimes he seemed to confuse Casual Friday for ‘PJ Day’ and came in with fuzzy slippers and a teddy bear. Other times he unzipped his fly and let his shirttail poke out. And then there was the Friday he cut a big hole in the back of his pants and walked around the office with a bare ass. It was funny the first time, but eventually we had to let him go. That said, we’re happy to hear Remy’s been working things out at home.” 

At press time, Dolan was overheard lumbering out of bed at 11:00 a.m. muttering, “Holy shit, is it really Monday again?” 

Opinion: As Someone With the Maturity of a Child, I Should Be Able to Qualify for Make-A-Wish

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I’ve been called a lot of things: selfish, immature, annoying, and, according to my 10th-grade English teacher, an unserious student with no future. But those people are just jealous of my innocent, childlike view of the world. Case in point: the other afternoon, during another SpongeBob marathon, I saw an ad for the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which was super depressing, but it got me thinking about how nice it would be to meet all my favorite superheroes despite having aged out of the program by 20 plus years.

And since I do possess the maturity of a child, I should have access to the same privileges and VIP access Make-a-Wish provides.

Now, before you all jump up my ass and call me a monster, ask yourself this: if you had a life-threatening illness, you’d want a life-affirming pick me up to give you hope, right, and maybe that involves VIP tickets to Riot Fest. Sure, the kids Make-a-Wish have been dealt unfathomable setbacks no child deserves to experience, but last time I checked, we had equal rights or whatever, so my hemorrhoids should at least qualify me to hang out with Aubrey Plaza for a day.

I know it seems like a grift, like the times I’ve tried to order off the kids’ menu at a restaurant by claiming that I’m “young at heart” (or angling for a senior discount, being an “old soul”). This is completely different, because once the organization’s reps meet me in person and see how little impulse control I possess, my ticket to Disney World is as good as punched. Catastrophic illness pending, of course.

I may not be gravely ill today, but hypothetically, if I were to end up with an extended hospital stay due to prostate cancer or even food poisoning, I should have the option of John Cena letting me beat him at Wrestlemania. Hell, if I have to hang out around toxic dump sites to get this ball rolling, I’ll do it.

Age limits should be for drinking, smoking, and driving. As someone who argues with children on Fortnite and sleeps in a racecar bed, Make-a-Wish should be obligated to hook me up. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy like an early Marvel movie screening! I’m more than happy to hang out with the players from the 2002-2003 New Jersey Devils.

And believe me, I will have a temper tantrum if they deny me.

Legendary Noise Band Reunites With Original Laptop

Posted on by Mike Maher

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — Seminal noise outfit GÜNT has reunited with its original laptop and founding member, sources close to the virus-riddled 2003 Compaq Presario confirmed. 

“It’s great to have our OG PC back,” GÜNT frontman Mark Phaneuf said. “After years of not returning our emails, we thought reuniting was a lost cause. Turns out the Presario’s battery was just dead! But once we tracked down the laptop at a pawn shop in Yonkers, paid twice as much to buy it back than we sold it for, then found the right power cord to recharge it back to life, GÜNT picked up right where we left off — making inaccessible, avant garde harsh noise wall recorded straight to cassette and released in impossible-to-find quantities.” 

Lloyd Perkins, the veteran Geek Squad technician hired to refurbish the laptop, had never filed a ticket quite like this before. 

“I reinstalled that laptop’s operating system four friggin’ times because I thought the audio files were corrupted,” Perkins said. “Come to find out the sound of roadsaws, bird chips and leafblowers were exactly what the band wanted recovered! Then instead of paying me, these cheapskates put me on the list for their reunion show. It’s at a laundromat! And apparently one song is just a microphone left inside an industrial dryer filled with quarters. Me and my lady can’t dance to that!” 

Daniel Polanski, host of noise podcast Dan Is The Bastard, welcomes back the laptop but with reservations.   

“For the casuals uninitiated with the multidimensional aural complexities of harsh noise wall, getting the Presario back in GÜNT is akin to the Smiths reuniting with that pedantic twat Morrissey,” Polanski said. “Sure, they’ve created their best work together. But The Prez has also proven to be by far the most unreliable and temperamental member of the band. One minute it runs hot, the next it freezes under pressure. It’s fallen asleep and even straight up quit once midperformance. And it’s also notorious for frequenting a lot of unprotected networks, if you catch my drift. Personally, I prefer GÜNT’s purely analog works to their digital oeuvre. But nonetheless, this is a watershed moment for the 8 to 10 fans of the most superior subgenre of music ever committed to tape and/or CD-R.” 

At press time, the reunion performance was hailed a triumph despite the Presario’s AIM chat constantly going off throughout GÜNT’s set.