Children Horrified to Discover Dad’s White Belt Stash from His Screamo Days

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Graphic Designer Mark Gravel’s two teen children were horrified to find a box in the attic with six different white belts their father used to wear during the early 2000s screamo trend, mortified sources confirmed.

“We’ve never really seen any pictures of our dad from like 2002 through 2007 and nobody ever thought anything of it,” said Helena Gravel, 13. “But then when we found this old dusty box labeled ‘Mark’ full of white belts and a few flyers from shows with bands weird bands like Kodan Armada, Transistor Transistor, and Saetia things started to make a little sense. There was an old memory card in the box as well, we eventually found a functional digital camera at a thrift store to see what was on it and it was worse than I ever expected. My dad had pants that were so tight I’m surprised his feet didn’t fall off, and he seemed happy that his shirts barely made it to his waist. I won’t ever look at him the same.”

Gravel claims he has been preparing for this conversation for the past decade.

“I knew we’d have to have ‘the talk’ some day with my girls. It was important to explain that before I met their mother I got caught up with some really pretentious people,” said Gravel. “I’m not proud of it, but I was going to school in western Massachusetts and found myself lost in a sea of studded belts, Diesel jeans, and Saucony shoes. I wanted to shield my girls from my bandana phase, but I knew I’d have to face it eventually. I confessed to them that I was very into Livejournal and roadied for a very terrible band called September’s Dagger.”

Discoveries like these are becoming more and more common due to members of the early 2000s screamo scene becoming parents.

“I’ve had three kids this year come to my office crying to discuss pictures they found of their dads with a dyed black Spock haircut and tight girl jeans at a City of Caterpillar show or their mom with snake bite piercings and hair that covered both their eyes,” said Wagner High School Counselor Rebecca Smith. “Knowing their parents were involved in something so embarrassing can be scarring for these kids. Do you know how many times I’ve had to go through the history of Food Not Bombs with a 15-year-old? I just hope they never find out I have a Blood Brothers tattoo, I’ll be fired immediately.”

At press time, Gravel was getting ready to explain the checkerboard sport coat and dress pants his children found in a box labeled “SKA 1997-2000.”

InfoWars Studio Now a Spirit Halloween

Posted on by Chris Bowen

AUSTIN,Texas. —Beloved holiday superstore Spirit Halloween quickly moved into the vacant spot where InfoWars once stood after Alex Jones was forced out due to financial trouble, multiple sources report.

“This is clearly a strategized ploy implemented by the satanic globalists to perpetuate their agenda of replacing every holiday with Halloween,” Alex Jones exclaimed while slamming his fist on his desk. “It has nothing to do with the verdict that I owe 48 million dollars. But they won’t stop me, no, no. I will not be silenced by the liberal elites. We got a killer deal with the people at the American Legion Post 132 to let us keep filming InfoWars in their basement. It works for now, even if they still have dial up internet.”

Cindy Forrester, a spokeswoman for Spirit Halloween, discussed why she believes the move is great for the community.

“It’s our duty to bring joy to the ‘spoopy’ people out there. So we were thrilled to take over a studio that caused so much chaos and replace it with our brand of high-priced Halloween decor, sorta like when one of our stores moves into a former Planet Fitness,” Forrester said, cheerfully. “We think the goths of the world deserve some semblance of happiness every August through November 1st, and all of humanity deserves an Alex Jones-free world year-round.”

Rabid InfoWars fan Bruce Perrinville weighed in regarding the changing landscape of his favorite program.

“This whole thing is bullshit,” Perrinville said while sitting in a beer-stained Lay-Z-Boy. “All the guys at the station and I watch InfoWars religiously. I forgot that they had to move the studio, and some weirdo Halloween store was taking their spot. Well, the crew must have left the cameras rolling because it took me 15 minutes to realize the hideous snarling puppet I was staring at wasn’t Alex Jones. It was a bit of a shock, but hell, I’d watch it again. I’m gonna miss his frothing tirades, though. I guess I”ll have to just settle for Tucker Carlson.”

At press time, Alex Jones was seen shopping at Spirit Halloween for an “Inflammatory Right-Wing Crackpot” costume.

5 Basic Reverb Mistakes You Need To Stop Making if You Want This Marriage to Work

Posted on by Sam Eardley

Are you still making these 5 basic reverb errors? The answer is YES and it is tearing us apart. You need to follow these simple rules if you are serious about making this marriage work.

Tighten Up Your Bottom-End
It is crucial that you cut out all those tempting, thick frequencies below 200 Hz, however delicious you think they sound. This may be hard for you to hear but I must be blunt. Your mixes are getting out of shape. Marriages are built on respect, and I simply cannot respect someone who is content with such a flabby low-end.

You’re Thinning on Top, but You Can Do Something About It
Yes, things are a little thin for you above 10,000 Hz but this happens to many men, and in 2022 you can do something about it. There is no shame in getting plug-ins as they can give you a lush, bountiful mane of sound and, I dunno, maybe bring back some of that excitement from when we first met. Please stop comb-filtering over the thin areas, it’s old-fashioned and ridiculous.

Try Something New
No wonder our relationship is stagnating when you keep reaching for the same stock reverbs every time. Oh, how I long for you to surprise me with a boutique chamber reverb or something shimmery from Valhalla. Or maybe a sexy hardware unit with an almost obscenely transparent sound. Or maybe we should have some naughty fun with sidechains. Remember: vanilla is for ice cream, not for reverb.

Know When To Insert and When To Send & Return)
Healthy relationships require give and take. Send and return if you will. Yet all you ever do is insert your reverb straight into the channel like a caveman, despite not getting any pleasurable responses back. You might think you’re being a big man by setting it at 90% wet, but with the way you’re mixing, that just leaves the whole track muddy.

I’m Moving Out, I’ll Be Staying With My Mother for a Few Weeks Until I Get Settled
This is now so much a reverb tip as much as it is a fact. And if you want me back then you need to show that you’ve changed. Here’s what I need you to do. Accurately model a convolution reverb impulse response of the boombox scene from the movie “Say Anything” and send it to me as a WAV file. Show me romance isn’t dead.

Review: Joy Division “Unknown Pleasures”

Posted on by John Danek

Each Sunday, The Hard Times dives into the archives to review a legendary album. This week, it’s Joy Division’s much-reviewed debut full-length, “Unknown Pleasures.”

So what will I do with the prize money? Well, my girlfriend and I started dating right before COVID so we haven’t been able to go on a vacation together yet. I think a South American trip is first up.

But yeah, if I win the grand prize money for being the 1,000,000th music writer to review Joy Division’s “Unknown Pleasures,” I’ll be swimming in it. I assume the pot is up to like, 3-mil at this point.

Let’s get the formalities out of the way first: Joy Division’s seminal post-punk debut “Unknown Pleasures” ushered in a new age of rock songwriting with its pessimistic, self-analytical lyrics and claustrophobic, proto-goth production blah blah BLAH who gives a shit, the contest didn’t say anything about the review being good.

I’ll be honest. “Unknown Pleasures” is maybe my least favorite thing Joy Division did. I’m not trying to be unnecessarily contrarian here. “Closer” is the better album to listen to front-to-back, and nothing tops the highs of their non-album singles. “Transmission” anyone? Sure, “Unknown Pleasures” is great and influential and has its moments. But at this point, it’s like trying to review “The Empire Strikes Back.” You can’t say anything new about it, and the hype is stronger than any reality can be.

This isn’t even the first time I reviewed it. You may not know this but to receive your Professional Music Reviewer License, the final exam gives you a few options of albums to review. You can choose Enter the Wu-Tang “(36 Chambers),” Radiohead’s “Kid A,” Björk’s “Post,” or some other Rolling Stone bait like that. I went with “Unknown Pleasures.” You should have seen it, I was dropping “ethereal reverb” and “cavernous snare” and “postmodern dystopian lyrics centered around identity and pain” left and right. And yes, I passed.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. As long as this review gets published at exactly 9 a.m. Pacific, Sunday morning, I’m fairly certain I’ll be the millionth review and win the prize money. Hell, maybe I’ll finally upgrade my record player so I can hear Joy Division without the screechy buzz of this Crosley piece of shit turntable throughout.

Score: 1,000,003 Goddamn Piece of Shit “Unknown Pleasures” Reviews Out of 1,000,000

Band Reunites After Realizing Fans Are Old Enough to Pay $200 Per Ticket

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SEATTLE – Members of the seminal and often troubled emo band Grass Is Greener are reportedly getting back together after hearing what similar bands are selling tickets for these days, sources with well-paying jobs confirmed.

“We broke up in ’03 after putting out a few albums. We were pretty big in our scene, but we could have never imagined how many records we’d sell after we broke up,” said Carter Flores, the band’s overshadowed bass player. “At the time, we were just really sick of Brock, our singer. He’d waltz around taking credit for everything, acting like a total dick. Well, he still does that, but $200 per ticket for a reunion show?! I can put up with that asshole for a couple of weeks if it means daddy’s getting a boat!”

Preston Singleton, a long-time tour manager and promoter, sees this as a golden opportunity.

“I’ve been calling every band I used to manage. I’m telling everyone: Remember those 16-year-olds who used to sneak into bars to see the coolest local band? Well, those idiots are 35 now and totally willing to pay $200 a seat to see a lower energy version of your old set in a casino now. It’s a gold mine, baby!” said Singleton while pointing to his jam-packed calendar. “I can’t believe I used to sell $6 tickets.”

Ava Matthews, an economist who has been studying the spending habits of millennials for the last several years, weighed in with her expert opinion.

“Since millennials have been unable to make meaningful investments in things like houses, they’re choosing to spend their income on far less profitable ventures. Things like house plants, portrait tattoos of their dead pets, and most notably, nostalgia,” said Matthews. “Their parent’s generation would spend on nostalgia as well, but it was always a much smaller percentage of their net worth. For example, the baby boomer generation might sell their first house for a massive profit, buy a much larger and more luxurious home, and then go see Steely Dan on a cruise to Dubai.”

At press time, Grass Is Greener was finalizing details with Stumptown Coffee to release its custom earthy blend of $30/bag whole bean coffee, which the singer is sure to take full credit for curating.

Top 10 Most Deadly TikTok Trends

Posted on by Sean Fallon

TikTok has become a dominant force in the social media landscape and unfortunately, that has led to some dangerous new trends. Here are ten of the worst that might be affecting your child or TikTokking adult in your life.

Spend a Day in an American High School Challenge

This one isn’t always deadly as 20% of the time the user isn’t involved in a mass shooting. On most occasions though, the TikTokker will find themselves in an active shooting situation crying for help as little sad face emojis appear in the chat. An added danger to this one is that if the impossible happens and the cops do storm the building they might shoot the user or reveal their hiding place to the active shooter.

Mosh Pit with Hammers

The warning signs for this one will be two old: are there hammers missing from your home and is your teen’s skull cracked open like an egg? If the answer is yes then your TikTokking child is engaging in mosh mashing. Live music plays, usually K-pop girl groups, while the TikTokker records themselves getting into the mosh pit with their hammer. Sledgehammer, ball peen, or claw. Anything goes in a mosh mash.

“50k Likes and We’ll Look into the Ark of the Covenant”

We’re not sure how TikTokkers managed to get hold of the Ark of the Covenant aka the casket for transporting the tablets bearing the ten commandments, but now that they have it they’ve found a way to use it. Many accounts are requesting as little as 50k likes in order to open the lid of the golden box and gaze upon the wrath of God inside. Remember, if you watch one of these TikToks be sure to don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!

The John Hinkley Challenge

A lot of younger TikTokkers probably don’t know who Jodie Foster or John Hinkley is but they do know that the best way to get a celebrity’s attention is to go viral. Tagging a famous person in a Twitter post is so last century. The real way to let Kim Kardashian know you think she’s the best is to assassinate a political figure and hopefully not get riddled with bullets from the secret service.

Chernobyl Parkour

Since the successful miniseries “Chernobyl” came out in 2019, teens have been sneaking to Pryipat to jump and scurry about the remains of reactor 4. Tell tale signs your teen is doing this will be extended trips to the former Soviet Union, Geiger counter purchases, and radiation poisoning. The current conflict in Ukraine has put a damper on this trend but teens are already looking at possible other literal hot spots like Fukushima or Three Mile Island.

Grab a Cop’s Gun Challenge

A prank growing in popularity in the USA, the grabbing a cop’s gun challenge has the TikTokker sneak up on a cop, grab their gun, do a choreographed dance with the gun, then return it to the cop’s holster. Of the 100+ TikTokkers who have tried this, 100% have found themselves dead as the dance linked to this challenge ends with an elaborate pop and lock that requires the user to remove the gun’s safety and place the barrel in their own mouths.

Blind Forest Mushroom Tasting

Started in 2019, the blind mushroom tasting challenge requires TikTokkers to travel into the woods and find a mushroom patch. They must then close their eyes, scoop a buttload of mushrooms, and shove them into their mouths. While some TikTokkers merely trip balls for a few days, others have instead broadcasted themselves violently shitting their pants.

Enroll in the Army Challenge Brought to You by the US Military

TikTokkers needing help with student loans, wishing to see the world, or desperate to avenge the sinking of the Lusitania have found themselves enamored with this challenge in which the user signs up for a five-year stint in the armed forces. Death by “A Few Good Men” style hazing, friendly fire, or IEDs can be the TikTokkers undoing, as well as the possible PTSD suicide that comes later once they’ve given their youth to the military and have outgrown their usefulness. Probably the oldest trend on this list as this pre-dates Tik Tok by hundreds of years.

Tying Your Financial Security to a Life of Content Creation

In today’s gig economy it’s easy for people to get caught up in side hustles and get rich schemes. For every TikTokker who dances their way onto Jimmy Fallon, thousands hold their breaths until they die or break their ass falling off milk crates. Warning signs that your teen may be engaging in this activity will be mainly the fact they’re living in a hopeless capitalist dystopia in which pipe dreams of easy fame are their only hope of survival on a soon-to-be uninhabitable planet.

Musician With Rich Parents Transitions Into Actor With Rich Parents

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

LOS ANGELES — Self-proclaimed singer-songwriter Otto LaMont stated he was done pursuing his secondary dreams of being a musician and that it’s high time he used his privilege to pursue his main dream of being an actor, worried sources confirmed.

“It’s got nothing to do with the fact that my music never gained any traction, and I don’t appreciate everyone asking me that,” snipped LaMont while cuddling with his Bengal cat. “One day I was watching a movie on my parent’s PS5 when it hit me: if Armie Hammer can do it, so can I. I love acting. It’s pretty much just lying, and I’m good at that. Plus, my parents produced like half the Marvel movies, so I owe it to myself to give it a try.”

The LaMont’s report their third child has always done what he wanted, and now that it’s something in their industry, they’re happy to give him whatever he needs to succeed.

“When he wanted to be a painter, we sent him to train under Julian Schnabel for $4,000 a day despite telling him over and over he was never going to make it,” reminisced Mrs. Lamont. “I’m glad to hear he’s finally come to his senses and is ready to join the family business. We’ve told him since he was a boy that if he ever wanted to be an actor to just say the word and we’d use our leverage on Weinstein to make it happen. That’s off the table now, but we still have dirt on other heads. Maybe one day he’ll even have his own blackmail material. Wouldn’t that be incredible?”

Hollywood casting director Blake Henry gave his opinion on the youngest LaMont’s career change.

“Otto LaMont? Sure, he can be whatever he wants in the movie I’m casting for James Cameron. He’s perfect for the role. He’s handsome, charismatic, and if his parents find out I didn’t cast him then they’re going to be angry,” gulped Henry. “We don’t like it when they’re angry. Whatever makes them happy, that’s what I’m gonna do. Can you tell them I said that?”

At press time, LaMont announced that if his plans to win an Oscar in a year or so didn’t work out, he’s prepared to move on to his fallback career of living on a yacht in Monaco and dating models.

Golf Handicaps Teach Boomers Dangerous Ideas About the Benefits of Communism

Posted on by John Danek

Everyone knows free market capitalism was invented by Jesus and Moses right around the time they co-wrote America’s Judeo-Christian values. But quite frankly, I’m sick of everyone taking big steamy dumps on their perfect ideas.

It has recently come to my attention that the Baby Boomer generation has been consistently using communism to “level the playing field” of one of their popular pastimes: golf. It works like this. If Stanley is consistently 5 strokes worse at golf than Bernard, then Stanley gets 5 extra bonus points to give him an even chance at winning, which is absolute Satanic horseshit and spits in the face of the troops who died fighting communist Russia in the Cold War.

Well guess what, Stanley? If you’re 5 strokes worse then deserve to fucking lose every game. That’s what the free market says, you little pinko baby. Competition is supposed to make people better, not inspire them to change the rules.

Boomers need more egalitarianism and fewer eagles when they really get bogies. Pick yourself up by your own golf bag straps. Work hard. Get better. And don’t whine about it in the clubhouse later.

I don’t know why I’m surprised. This is the same generation who created participation trophies because they couldn’t stand to see their loser kids cry and go home empty-handed. But they’re so duplicitous that they started blaming millennials for those same participation trophies! Have you ever seen a 7-year-old call up the local trophy shop and place a custom order? This is your fuck up, boomers.

You know what happens when we start giving out free points to the people in last place? Venezuela. Now, I don’t know anything about Venezuela except that it’s a horrible place where freedom loving capitalists are tortured beyond your wildest dreams, I think.

I Lived Fast, but Didn’t Die Young. Now What?!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

I had a plan! My star was going to shine so brightly that it burned out before my time! I was supposed to get stupid rich than poor again from polluting my body beyond recognition. And I’m not saying I’m talented enough to deserve death at 27, but I just turned 32 and I’m starting to think I just didn’t go hard enough. Now what?!

I never once imagined life in my 30s, and now I’m here looking around like I’m in limbo or something. Don’t get me wrong, my situation is very similar to my 20s. I’m still living with eight other impoverished “artists”, scheming and plotting ways to make rent every month, but I just get sleepy after a few beers now and I’m too much of a coward to off myself. So I guess this is just life now.

This dumb human experience finds a way to force you into drinking less, eating right, and planning for the future, because if you don’t die young, slowly beating your body into submission in your 40s or 50s is just plain sad. No one says, “The way that 45-year-old drank himself to death was a real rockstar move!” Everyone knows 29 is the peak!

Biggie, Tupac, and Kurt Cobain had the right idea. Sure, everyone was sad at first, but the coolness of how young they were lives on. Their T-shirts are still worn by kids 30 years later. John Belushi and Chris Farley waited till they were 33, and everyone was like, “Aw man, those full-grown adults must’ve really been dealing with some shit. And that just makes us all sad.

Man, I went way harder than my friends who actually died. Everyone goes on and on about them, and I’m like, “Hello! Remember when I jumped off of our moving tour bus after washing down a handful of mystery pills with a bottle of Jack?!” I only broke both legs and got 29 stitches in my head. And the mystery ended up being melatonin. Just unlucky I guess. And after all the abuse I put my body through, I guess I’ll just feel like I’m 90 till… Well, whenever I happen to slowly fizzle out like every other nameless, faceless loser.

Boyfriend Safely Moves Line 6 Spider Outside Instead of Killing It

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

BALTIMORE — Local man Clyde Harris showed great restraint when he gently and thoughtfully relocated the Line 6 Spider that scared his girlfriend to the front porch instead of killing it, confirmed sources who are still a little shaken up.

“I heard Kensy (Clarke) scream ‘ew ew ew kill it, kill it!’ when she walked into our bedroom. I ran and realized the Spider was just sitting there next to the bed,” said Harris in reference to the 15-watt solid-state amplifier with the dial set to insane mode. “I know Spiders aren’t for everybody, but my big rig is at the rehearsal space, so when Kensy made a stink about it, I just put it out on the porch where it wouldn’t bother her. She got kind of upset when she found out I didn’t destroy it outright, she thinks it will somehow get back into the house, but it’s just sitting there minding its own business and collecting some bugs.”

Clarke stated that Harris’ lack of killer instinct has her reevaluating their entire relationship.

“I’ve talked to Clyde about my fear of Spiders ad nauseam. It’s why I won’t step foot into a Guitar Center. That place is littered with them, hanging from the ceiling, on the ground, everywhere. The fact that he did anything other than throw that thing in the fucking ocean is unforgivable,” Clarke lamented while peeking onto the porch to make sure the Spider was gone for good. “A good Spider is a dead one, and Clyde needs to figure that out before we have a terrible gear infestation. I mean, they’re 100% digital. How the fuck can there be a ‘tape echo’ setting? Everything about it is disgusting.”

Legendary amplifier anthropologist Leroy Stuart weighed in on the controversy and suggests a fair middle ground.

“Spiders are good for the ecosystem, there’s no doubt about it,” Stuart claims. “A Spider in the living area keeps the Mesa Boogie at the rehearsal space, and I don’t think that’s something that most people realize. Sure, a Spider may seemingly have very few redeeming qualities, but it doesn’t have enough juice to get the whole band jamming in the living room when the guys are just stopping by to play some video games. I’d suggest throwing a decorative tapestry over the Spider during its dormant phases, and I think this whole thing could blow over.”

At Press time, Harris was spotted relocating the Spider to the damp basement, an environment where Spiders thrive according to Stuart.