Where Are They Now? The Beers I Told My Roommate Not To Drink

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Where are my beers? They’re, like, all gone. And there’s no way my roommate drank ‘em because I remember explicitly telling Piss Dan not to. PD knew I was saving those for Saturday, so there’s no way my roommate drank the beers I told him not to drink.

Sure, one time Piss Dan ate all my groceries. He downed an entire rotisserie chicken and a bag of pepperonis while I was putting away the ramen. But he didn’t have a job then so I understand that. And yeah, one time he used all my toothpaste to paint a mural of Jimi Hendrix when he was on mushrooms, but art requires sacrifice.

I tried retracing my steps as soon as I noticed my brews were missing. My beers were beside my guitar, but my guitar, pedalboard, extra cables, and full stack are now in PD’s room. But that doesn’t mean my beer is in there. If it weren’t such a violation of his trust I’d check Piss Dan’s room, but how could we continue living together if he knew I went through his stuff?

None of my emergency beers were in the toilet tank, either. Who else besides me could possibly know where I keep those?!

Wait! Are those my beer cans in the recycling? That’s so weird! I don’t remember drinking them, but I must’ve. I can’t believe I was climate-conscious enough to recycle my cans when I was clearly so blacked out that I didn’t remember drinking them yesterday!

Morrissey Cancels Tiny Desk Concert After Ari Shapiro Microwaves Chicken Tikka Masala Leftovers for Lunch

Posted on by Dave McNamara

WASHINGTON — Anti-immigrant crusader Morrissey abruptly canceled his appearance on NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert series one hour before he was set to perform, citing “the foul smell of curried death” coming from the NPR staff lounge, confirmed sources who wish they brought a sandwich to work.

“I’m not some kind of special diva when it comes to performance. I don’t need a crystal goblet of green M&Ms or anything like that,” said Morrissey from his tour bus. “The only thing I ask is that the audience and staff, and anyone that might enter the venue, abide by my rigid stance on the murder of innocent animals. Also that no one talks to me directly, looks me in the eye or mentions Johny Marr’s name within earshot. And for the love of God keep your barbarism out of the microwave, that smell wafts. Hell is an enclosed space that smells of reheated poultry flesh.”

All Things Considered Host, Ari Shapiro regrets his lunch decision and sent a heartfelt apology to the show’s fans.

“I’m really very embarrassed at how the whole scene unfolded. I was running a little late this morning, I knew I’d be in meetings all day so I just needed something quick for lunch,” said Shapiro when discussing his reheated leftovers. “More than Morrissey canceling, I’m embarrassed that I ordered the most basic and pedestrian item on the India Palace menu and now the whole world knows about it. If I could go back in time, I’d have certainly gone with an aloo gobi or a spicy dal. I’m quite mortified actually.”

A spokesperson for PETA immediately issued a statement on the unfolding scandal.

“We applaud Morrissey’s decision to cancel the performance in light of this grotesque contribution to the leftover-genocide,” said Jenifer Greene, PETA’s media liaison. “But honestly we’re trying to distance ourselves from the Morrissey brand these days. Over the last several decades, he’s been able to do some great work but unfortunately due to the negative associations the public has with him, we’d appreciate it if he’d stop mentioning us in interviews, wearing our logos, and offering to perform at our benefit concerts.”

Update: Morrissey tweeted an apology to his fans for the canceled performance followed by half-a-dozen xenophobic remarks on the vulgarity of “ethnic cuisine.”

High School Metal Band Adds OFFICIAL to All Social Media Channels in Case Impostor Accounts Ruin Their Good Name

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

LONGVIEW, Wash — High school metal band DeathRot added the word OFFICIAL to all of their social media handles in order to prevent fradulent accounts from ruining the band’s reputation, according to sources with nothing better to do than pay attention to high school metal bands.

“Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, you name it,” said DeathRot Singer Eddie Tsu while leaning against a locker at Mark Morris High School. “Adding OFFICIAL to our socials is just the first step, because if we don’t get ahead of the scammers now, there will be no stopping them. We just hit our 100th follower too, so the clock is ticking. I already asked my parents to loan me a few thousand for copyrights on band names, lyrics, logos, tour names, movie rights, and all kinds of stuff. Put down a deposit on a state-of-the-art private jet too. I also need to register our songs with ASCAP, because I’m pretty sure that Slipknot already lifted a few riffs from us on their latest album.”

Some of Morris High’s staff praised the band’s questionably savvy online behavior.

“It’s a great idea. The entertainment industry is a meat grinder, and simply being a great musician isn’t good enough,” laughed Franklin Mullins, who teaches both orchestra and business classes at the school. “Brand awareness, merchandising, omnichannel promotion, customer segmentation, SEO… these things are considerably more important than practicing scales or whatever. It’s all about generating content to feed the algorithms to sell products more effectively. Playing music that people like does help, as does not being literal teenagers, but in 2022, having a firm grasp on your brand’s social media presence is exponentially more important.”

Despite the fact that no one cares, DeathRot’s updated social media handles had an effect on the local counterfeit market.

“It’s so much harder to sell fake DeathRot shit now,” said teenage metalhead and bootlegged merchandise entrepreneur Steve Clark. “And it’s not like I was moving a ton to begin with. I’ve made some money off of their name to be sure, but I legit think people were confusing them with a much better and more popular band. I had to actually promote their shows myself just to build up interest in bootlegged and easily mistakable merchandise. It’s fucked up.”

At press time, a much cooler high school metal band was overheard calling DeathRot posers for even having social media accounts in the first place.

I Support the Scene by Telling Everyone I Would Be Way Better at Running the Only Local DIY Venue

Posted on by Peter Woods

So many people around here think that the scene just appeared one day and has been magically going strong ever since. But what you have to realize is that the scene is an ecosystem and everyone plays a role. Some people make music, some people book shows and run venues, and others just show up and mosh.

What I do is tell people online that I would be way better at running the one DIY venue in town.

Running a venue is a lot of work. You have to deal with landlords, keep the space maintained, organize and promote shows, and so much more that people don’t even think about. And the volunteers who spend hours of their lives doing all of that unpaid, thankless labor absolutely suck at it. And I know they suck at it because the venue doesn’t perfectly match every detail of what I think a DIY venue should be.

I may not be able to make music, network, or particularly enjoy punk or hardcore music, but I can sure as shit insist I should be running the show for people who can and do.

Let’s be real: the scene around here is totally dead and it’s because we only have one venue that’s run by a bunch of idiots. At least that’s what I assume. I’ve never been there and I don’t actually know anyone from the space. But I’ve been posting about the scene long enough to know how to run a tight ship, so I would clearly be an improvement over those jabronis.

Have I ever managed a space or any sort of organization? No, because I’ve never been given the chance. If someone would just up and hand me the keys to the grassroots-built kingdom they put their blood sweat and tears into building, they would see that I’m way better at it. How do I know that? I don’t, but my bluff is extremely unlikely to be called so yeah, I would crush it.

Anyways, that’s not the point. The point is that someone needs to speak up about what this scene needs and what we need to actually make our only DIY space cool again. We need someone to describe how everything about our best and most fragile communal resource is totally dumb before rambling on about how they would whip it into shape without thinking of any actionable steps for improvement.

And that person is me.

How I Overcame My Fear of Rejection by Having More Penis Than I Know What To Do With

Posted on by James Knapp

It can be really scary to put yourself out there. With this gamified dating culture we have to exist in, rejection is more immediate and brutal than ever. Personally, I find it all quite a turn-off. But thankfully, with the help of therapy and a cartoonishly large penis, I have finally gotten over my fear of rejection.

It feels so silly now how self-conscious I used to get about people rejecting me for my stubby legs or the fact that I’d maybe gained a little extra weight. Hell, even the extra head growing out of my side doesn’t give me worry thanks to this massive, throbbing hog.

Seriously, you gotta see this thing! Would you like to see it? No? Well, that’s okay. Because I don’t others to validate me anymore.

This isn’t to say that I’m not still sensitive to those who still feel the pang of minor-league-penis rejection. I remember those days well. I’d walk up to someone at the bar and introduce myself without pointing to the visible bulge in my cutoff skinny jeans and immediately hear the familiar shriek of, “Oh my fuck! Why do you have two heads?!”

Just the memory of all those rejections still quakes me a bit. But the thought of not having a dong that qualifies as “medically hazardous” is terrifying. Thank God I have it to comfort myself in those moments of humiliation and insecurity. Let’s just say I don’t envy those of you who have the cocks of mere mortal men.

Other Three Members of The Smiths Announce They Aren’t Fascists, Could Still Really Use the Royalties

Posted on by John Danek

MANCHESTER, U.K.— The three non-Morrissey members of legendary rock band The Smiths pleaded their case that boycotting the band’s music harms them significantly more than it does their cantankerous frontman, ethically conflicted fans reported.

“Believe me—no one understands how much of a piece of shit Moz is more than us,” began former Smiths drummer Mike Joyce, who attributes his decreasing royalty payments to anti-Morrissey sentiment. “But he still sells out arenas left and right. Me, Andy, and even Johnny? Sure, we get some nice gigs here and there. But those checks could help us send our kids to school. Moz hates immigrants, the EU, and people different from him, but I don’t! Fuckin’ love ‘em! Please stop punishing me for that!”

Fans of bands with problematic members grapple with the complex morality of still listening to their music.

“I’m cursed. All my favorite bands get canceled. And now there’s this creeping realization that listening to The Smiths might be mad problematic,” mused Karintha Farrows, who was previously a fan of Lostprophets, Brand New, As I Lay Dying, and R. Kelly. “Morrissey is only 25% of the band, and Spotify is already chopping pennies as it is, so I’m not sure it makes a huge difference. Then again, he is the most prominent member by far. But I listen mostly for Johnny Marr’s guitar! Why should bandmates suffer because their former singer guzzled the teat of Nigel Farage’s bullshit? I need someone with a philosophy degree to settle this for me.”

Financial experts weighed in on the effects that boycotting streaming music can do to various musicians.

“It’s one thing to fully condemn a solo artist like Azealia Banks for sacrificing animals; she’s gonna have to start peddling makeup or a subscription box to get by,” explained advisor Mark Kensington, who specializes in musicians’ wealth or lack thereof. “But with bands, you’re hurting the less successful members the most. We call this the Ringo Phenomenon. We may never have answers.”

In an effort to recoup royalty losses, Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr has reduced his merch table offerings to only sell his $2,200 signature Fender Jaguar guitar.

Hardcore Climate Scientists Say Motherfuckers in the Back Will Be Underwater by 2038

Posted on by Rob Ryder

WASHINGTON — A new study by climate scientists within the hardcore scene revealed the motherfuckers in the back will almost certainly be underwater by the year 2038.

“This is not a question of if, it is a question of when,” said lead researcher Dr. Know. “The data before 1977 is spotty at best since no one bothered to write any of this shit down until at least 1983. Even with limited data, the pattern is clear. Those motherfuckers were bone dry in 1983, but five years later, your 20-eyelet Doc Martens were completely soaked. The next time you turn around, those motherfucker could be gone. God only knows where the fuck Glenn Danzig is, that guy has probably been underwater for at least 10 years.”

Not everyone is on board with the science behind the study including climate change denier Terry Harken.

“Those hardcore motherfuckers think they’re so god damn smart. They’ve been saying this shit for years and we’re not buying it. Yeah, a few motherfuckers are getting a little damp, but that’s how it goes when you choose to stand like a post in the back. The water rises, but it’ll reside, it’s all a natural cycle,” said Harken. “Remember the 90’s? The posers flooded every show, but all the people that built the scene stayed. We’re not going anywhere it’s time for these scientists to quit the spoken word bullshit and get back to thrashing our faces off.”

Texas politician Beto O’Rourke recently spoke about his experiences in the hardcore scene and has voiced his support of the motherfuckers in the back; diving headlong into efforts to combat climate change in the scene.

“This is a two-fold problem and it will require a multifaceted solution. Even though we’ve already reached a state of alert, our first step must be to slow the rise by fixing venue toilets and leaks in the roof. This is by no means a perfect fix, but for the sake of future motherfuckers, we have to try,” said O’Rourke. “Secondly, we need to do something to mitigate the growing disaster we’ve all created. We will have to get creative and do this D.I.Y.; only so many people can sit on a mixing board, hang from a PA speaker, or be a stage potato. We need to get cinder blocks and milk crates to the back soon or the consequences are clear.”

Punk legend Greg Graffin was asked to comment on the growing problem, but apparently, his Ph.D. is in evolution and he “doesn’t know shit about climate change.”

How To Stay Anxiety-Free Even Though That Fan Above Your Bed Is Wobbly as Fuck

Posted on by Jonah Nink

It’s hard to stay anxiety-free in our crazy world. Whether it’s the newest national tragedy, workplace havoc, or trouble at home, it may often feel impossible to avoid an anxious mindset. Thankfully there are strategies to help keep your mind at peace, though they’re all mostly moot because that fan above your bed is wobbly as hell and definitely going to fall and kill you.

Maintaining a healthy mindset also means keeping yourself physically healthy. Staying active, eating right, and seeing a physician regularly are a must for keeping in shape. You should also get plenty of sleep. But how is that possible when this flailing fan has a goddamn death wish?

Be adventurous! Even small changes in scenery can do wonders for your mental wellness. For instance, instead of sleeping underneath the 35 lbs of whirling metal dangling a short eight-foot drop from your skull, spend the night on the living room couch.

Surround yourself with friends and family that you can rely on for support. Having a strong network of people who see you for the great person you are can be lifesaving, unlike the fan, which sees itself as a hammer and you as a fucking nail, buddy.

It’s important to recognize when you’re caught in a loop of anxious thinking. It starts small with a simple thought like, “Fuck, did my landlord hang this fan up with glue and tampons? Why does it sound like a blender filled with marbles and baby ducks?”

If you find yourself in mental freefall, try to take a breath and rationalize the situation.
For example, instead of saying, “I’m just going to lay here and wait for this fan to fall and shatter every single bone in my body because, like Sisyphus, my life will never amount to anything but suffering and disappointment,” use short, declarative statements like, “I’m going to turn off the fan.”

Any progress is progress. Set simple daily goals for yourself. It could be as basic as going to the store and buying one of those tower fans. Just don’t think about why they cost $70 for some reason.

Review: Neck Deep “Rain in July”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

This week we’ve decided to take a look at Welsh pop-punk luminaries Neck Deep and their debut EP “Rain in July.” For this review, we’ll be employing our brand new metric for musical effectiveness: how well the song can be covered by the average high school marching band. With that in mind, let’s take a listen!

Kicking off with the aptly titled “Kick It”, we have an instant knock against it, as it starts with a “Back To The Future” sample which is notoriously hard to replicate with wind instruments while in formation. Not that I haven’t seen it done, but you better believe me when I say that instance was with some damn fine flugelhorn players…I’m talking top-tier. Regionals ready.

Next song “Silver Lining” might be tough too. This one is gonna be pretty tough on the ol’ drumline. Better hope your rototom guys have it in them to get these fills correct. A good one to get the team going, though: it’ll have the crowd asking John Philip WHO-sa?

Speaking of questions, we’ll move on to another game day ripper “What Did You Expect?” Folks, picturing these beautiful, earnest lyrics converted into the various root-toot-tooting of horns has tears welling up in my eyes. We’d better hope the sousaphones have their parts memorized, because they’re not going to be able to see any sheet music through their weeping.

This brings us to “Over and Over” which I’ll respectfully skip, as the crowd would be ignoring the marching band at this point to get the wave started. No shame in that; you simply gotta respect the bonding power of the wave.

Though I’d envy the ninth-grade girl who got to solo the piccolo part representing Laura Whiteside’s harmony vocals on “A Part of Me”, we’ve gotta give a disqualification to this song. There’s piano on this track, and have you ever tried marching with one of those? Good way to throw your back out at age 15 and then deal with that injury for the rest of your life. No thanks!

The final two tracks are totally doable, and if done in tandem with the choreographed comedic romping of the costumed mascot (I’m picturing some kind of “fightin’ oyster”) it could really be a thing of beauty. Go team go…this July game won’t be called on account of rain.

Score: 4/4 time signature, but watch the drum majors for the tempo

/**/

Beatdown Hardcore Show Vibe Affected by Jane Goodall Observing From Corner and Taking Notes

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

LOMBARD, Ill. — The typically tough-as-nails beatdown band Rank and File were reportedly thrown off their game at a recent show at the Gulch when they noticed famous primatologist Dr. Jane Goodall hidden in the corner taking notes, weirded-out sources confirmed.

“Man, she just really got me in my head. I’d try to move on to the next song, and I’d notice her in my peripheral vision, just scribbling away in that notebook. I got really self-conscious with her there, it made it difficult for me to remember some of my mosh calls like ‘fuck this place up’ or ‘this is your last chance,’” said Rank and File frontman C.T. Peters. “It totally ruined the vibe of the show, you could tell everyone was aware of her presence and were second-guessing their actions in the pit because of it. Reminded me of the time long ago when Steve Irwin did a TV segment during one of our sets.”

Attendees of the show echoed Peters’ statements and felt the presence of Goodall affected their attention.

“Oh, of course I noticed her there in the corner with her little pad. First of all, you don’t normally see any octogenarians at hardcore shows, and if you do they’re usually lost and trying to find their way out,” said local crew member Merle Geffen. “But my attention went straight to Goodall that night because, well, I’m a huge fan. I really admire her, read all her books. I couldn’t pay attention at all to my friends onstage, I was fighting the urge to lumber up to Dr. Goodall and ask her to sign the copy of ‘Seeds of Hope’ I always keep in my messenger bag.”

Goodall seemed almost embarrassed that her presence at the show was so widely recognized.

“I meant the punks no harm with my observance, I simply wanted to better understand their chugging riffs, their distorted vocals…their way of life, really,” said Goodall before noting the moshing ritual bore a striking resemblance to chimpanzee behavior. “They were fascinating subjects and I strove to gain their eventual acceptance. It saddens me that my presence indeed threw off any vibe there may have been. I realize, through my analysis, how crucial and delicate a vibe can be.”

“But now I must leave in peace, though I do hope to continue my research again someday,” Goodall opined. “In fact, maybe next week when they play the VFW with Shin Splinter.”

At press time, the owner of the Gulch wished Goodall would come back and retrieve the chimpanzee she left there.