Valentine’s Day Show Doubles as Terrible Date

Posted on February 14, 2023 by Audrey Vieira

AUSTIN, Texas — Local hardcore band Good Damage headlined a packed Valentine’s Day show that some are calling “the worst date ever,” sources redownloading Tinder confirm.

“When the cute guy from the bar passes you a bright pink flyer advertising a Valentine’s Day show, I expect at least some level of commitment to the theme — and no, asking people to form a heart-shaped circle pit doesn’t count,” said reluctant attendee Katie Pacheco. “Date nights should be steamy, and I don’t mean the amount of steam and sweat in the room. The smell alone is going to haunt me for years. Seriously, expensive cologne is not a substitute for deodorant.”

Trevor Yates, Pachecho’s date for the evening, insists the Good Damage show was a romantic and enjoyable Valentine’s Day experience.

“I bring girls to shows all the time and none of them ever complain,” Yates said while waiting for Pacheco to text him back. “Hardcore shows are totally romantic if you follow proper pit etiquette. Just pick up your date when a burly guy in an 100 Demons hoodie cartwheels into her, buy her a long-sleeved shirt from the merch table so she doesn’t get cold, and bring a box of chocolates for the two of you to snack on in between sets. Sure, I ate most of the sea salt truffles before doors, but it’s the thought that counts.”

Good Damage frontwoman Maya Cooley did not expect the Valentine’s Day show to attract couples, and apologized for the confusion.

“We were really in over our heads when we agreed to play a Valentine’s Day show in the first place,” Cooley admitted outside of the green room. “Personally, I imagined this as more of an alternative to the holiday than a place to unironically celebrate it. I hope everyone who came out enjoyed themselves and maybe picked up a record or two, but I’m really sorry to anyone who expected us to toss rose petals off the stage or play sappy love songs. Maybe next year we’ll sell out and cover ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love’ or something.”

At press time, Pacheco and Yates’ second date was canceled due to lack of interest.

Woman Serenaded by Musician Boyfriend on Valentine’s Day Under False Impression She Getting Other Gift

Posted on February 14, 2023 by Doug Kolic

CALGARY, Alberta — Local woman Deirdre McPhee is under the false impression that the lame love song her guitar-wielding boyfriend just sang to her was a prelude to an actual gift, according to cringing roommates nearby.

“Blake’s so thoughtful, playing that silly ballad was such a nice way to set the tone for the ‘big surprise’ he’s been talking about for weeks. I can’t wait,” stated McPhee, who somehow still hasn’t figured out what’s actually happening. “He just spent three minutes performing a new tune called ‘My Lovely Deirdre’ which was a bit corny, sure, but also sweet because he knows I love to laugh. I’m just waiting for him to come back from his bedroom with a necklace, or, maybe even a ring? I just know it’s gonna be epic! He must be really nervous, he’s been playing Xbox for the last 20 minutes, I’m sure it’s all to make the moment more special.”

Blake’s roommate Caleb Brunson witnessed the awkward encounter.

“Classic Blake, and classic Deirdre thinking with her endless optimism,” said Brunson who pretended to get something from the kitchen to witness the trainwreck. “This poor girl’s gonna sit here alone while he’s busy in his room playing ‘Call of Duty’ and texting the hostess from Red’s Diner. He’s been doing this for years, pawning off his shitty songs as some kind of heartfelt gift so he doesn’t have to spend shit on anyone. I heard that ditty he just played six months ago when it was called, ‘My Lovely Mia’. The guy’s total trash, which makes me feel a bit better that I’ve been secretly stealing his weed the entire time he’s lived here.”

Relationship expert Claudia Roberts warned women to be vigilant this Valentine’s Day if dating low-life artists.

“Women who date musicians should really temper their expectations,” explained Roberts. “One of the main reasons men get into music is so they can get out of buying things for their girlfriends or wives. People get so enamored when someone claims to have written a song for them that they don’t realize they’re being played for a fool. Sure, maybe your boyfriend singing a song about spending the rest of your lives together in Belize is legit, or maybe it’s a smokescreen so you’re blind to the fact that he’s been fucking your best friend Olivia for years. Sorry, I made that about myself.”

At press time, McPhee had fallen asleep on the couch and didn’t notice when her boyfriend finally exited his room, took some money and cigarettes from her purse, and left.

Secure Attachment? This Woman Doesn’t Associate Flowers With Being Cheated On

Posted on February 14, 2023 by Dom Turek

This woman’s boyfriend just gave her a dozen long-stemmed red roses for “no reason.” Oh no! She’s probably going to need someone to lean on after this devastating blow to her relationship. I know I sure as hell wouldn’t trust a man if he brought me flowers. Even if he was bringing them to my funeral. Honestly, he should have saved his money and given her the same semen-filled condom he used to cheat on her with.

“But he does stuff like this all the time!” said Tara Williams, placing the flowers on her mantle alongside a collection of handwritten love letters from her boyfriend, Frank Hawkins. “He says it’s his way of showing how much he loves and appreciates me.”

She’s clearly still stuck in the denial stage of the grieving process. Everyone knows the more ornate the flower, the worse the sexual indiscretion. A pricey flower like an orchid or rose may indicate your boyfriend is having an affair with your best friend, whereas something cheap and playful like a carnation suggests something minor, like sending dick pics to women on a dating app he “forgot to delete.”

I expected her to launch his most valuable possessions into the street by now but instead, she’s calmly asking him what he wants for dinner. Where are her hair-trigger reactions to imagined scenarios? Where is her fear of abandonment? I bet she even thought that time he randomly shaved his pubes was just an innocent personal hygiene experiment. If she has any dignity at all, she’ll give him the silent treatment for a week and then interrogate him using methods not even permitted at Guantanamo Bay.

Just two weeks ago she believed him when he said he was late getting home because of car trouble. If “car trouble” is a euphemism for getting your dick sucked in the stairwell of your office building, I believe you too, Frank. Her willingness to trust her partner and openly accept love into her heart is a recipe for disaster that I can’t bear to watch.

King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard Setlist Only Songs From Their Newest Six Albums

Posted on February 13, 2023 by Andrew Muller

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Fans of the prolific psychedelic rock band King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard were disappointed after a recent concert to find that the band is only performing songs released in 2022, sources confirmed.

“I can’t believe they only played the new stuff tonight. I mean I love Gizz but I didn’t have seven free hours to listen to their most recent albums,” said fan Jake Mclean, while desperately liking the albums he didn’t know on Spotify. “It makes me feel like an idiot not knowing if it’s their stuff or if they’re covering another song about fighting a lava snake or some shit. I just wish they would play some of their old stuff from, like, 2021. Even a super retro throwback from the pandemic would be cool.”

Members of the band have felt the crowd’s disappointment starting to affect their positive attitude.

“We wish that we could play every song from our catalog, but who do we look like, Bruce Springsteen?” remarked frontman Stu Mackenzie while looking uncharacteristically pissed. “We wouldn’t have enough room in the tour bus to get half of the equipment we’d need in order to perform that stuff live. We simply cannot lug all our guitars, two drum sets, special two headed guitars, flutes just in case, a theremin, and then all of ‘Mild High Club’ for every show.”

King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard historians are hard at work scouring their catalog for older songs for the band to play.

“This library contains every song ever created by the group. These hallowed halls go on for miles,” said Harold Alfred, the preeminent King Gizzard historian while blowing dust off of an old book. “Ah! Here is a track they can play, this is a relic called ‘Oddments.’ This is why we check the archives–fans of all ages, including elders in their 30s, deserve to hear the songs most important to them.”

A spokesperson from the band has come forward to let fans know that for the next tour, King Gizzard will only be playing material from their acoustic albums.

Netflix’s English Language “Squid Game” Remake to Be About Joys of Capitalism

Posted on February 13, 2023 by Sean Fallon

LOS ANGELES — Netflix announced they plan on adapting an English language version of the hugely successfully Korean drama “Squid Game” which will depart from the original by being about the joys of living in a capitalist society, multiple sources confirmed.

“We loved the original ‘Squid Game, but we wanted to give it an American spin,” said Ned Peters, head of programming for Netflix. “We’ll be removing any mentions of strikes or union actions. The corrupt businessman character will now be the hero of the show, and we’re going to have characters be more thankful that they get the opportunity to die for money. The original was a little grim in that sense but what’s more American than dying for the chance of maybe, possibly being rich beyond your wildest dreams? We also dipped into a bag of Korean words for content and added some Kpop and Mukbang to the script. We think will really enjoy the show, at least until we unceremoniously cancel it after one season.”

The online reaction to the remake has been mixed, with a large number of right-wing commentators welcoming it.

“Thank God for this,” said Jim Foley, host of the Jimcast and unashamed grifter. “I watched every episode of the original and while I loved it I also hated it. I mean, they were so unfair to the kindly old man who was generously offering his money to whoever won at hopscotch or whatever. And why did they make the Americans the bad guys? Doesn’t Korea understand that we saved them during…a war. I think. Anyway, I hope Elon Musk is in this new version cos that would be #epic.”

TV writers in Korea voiced their dislike of the project along with other planned remakes.

“Here we go again,” said Jang Yoo-Ho, a K-Drama writer. “First there’s ‘American Parasite’ told from the point of view of the rich homeowners and then ‘Bus to Boise’ which is supposed to remake ‘Train to Busan’ but the US train system is too shitty for that to work. It never ends. I’m going to do whatever I can to halt the export of Korean movies and shows to the states. They will destroy everything we ever created if we let them.”

Despite the negative reaction, Netflix is already gearing up to remake “The Host” but with the message that polluting the Han River is good actually.

BREAKING: Hometown Getting a Panera

Posted on February 13, 2023 by John Danek

LOCK HAVEN, Pa. — Residents of the central Pennsylvania town of Lock Haven are freaking the fuck out that a new Panera Bread location is opening just outside of town, amateur local journalists report.

“The rumors have been swirling for years, but oh my heavens, it’s finally happening!” exclaimed mother Deborah Wannstedt, reported terror on neighborhood app Nextdoor. “I confirmed the news by pestering a construction worker at the site. This is going to put Lock Haven on the map! Maybe my children will give up on their silly dreams and move back home from Chicago and Los Angeles since we have a new hip spot for them to do their little skits. I should call them right now, regardless of their work schedules and time zone differences, and if they don’t pick up I’ll text them 40 times about how they shouldn’t ignore their mother.”

Ever since the official Panera announcement, former residents of Lock Haven are looking at their hometown in a different light.

“I know it sounds ridiculous, but after four years of living in Brooklyn, I’m starting to miss Lock Haven,” said Janie Marzetti, a surrealistic short fiction writer living in Flatbush. “Yesterday, my friends wanted to try the hot new burger pop-up; apparently, so did the rest of Brooklyn. So we waited in line in the rain for two hours for a $24, very average burger that I ended up dropping half of on the ground. You just don’t have to deal with bullshit like that in Lock Haven. If you’re bored, you can just swing by the Sheetz. Oh, and you can buy a house for what I pay in rent each month. Fuck it, give me a soup and sandwich combo right now.”

A spokesperson for Panera Bread clarified the fast-casual chain’s newfound strategy.

“We’ve entirely given up on the ‘cool, urban’ markets; that just isn’t our- pardon the pun, bread-and-butter,” explained Lori Ruttiger, head of sales and growth for Panera Bread. “If you want to go pay $8 for a pour-over coffee then good for you, idiot. But if you’re a reasonable person who doesn’t want to spend an arm and leg for perfectly decent coffee, you are welcome here. Hell, I truly think our asiago bagels are better than whatever vegan bagel atrocity you’re going to order in Portland. So whenever you finally grow up and stop chasing overpriced ‘cool’, Panera will be here with open arms.”

As of press time, Lock Haven residents are preparing for heartbreak after newer rumors spread that the planned Panera is being canceled and replaced by the town’s sixth dialysis center.

We Ask a Pescatarian: Why Bother?

Posted on February 13, 2023 by Colleen Nerney

We’re no strangers to differing dietary preferences and lifestyles. You’ve got your hardcore raw vegans, your gym rat protein packers, and your crusties who live off cigarettes and whatever liquid most closely resembles water. But even with our experience with the multitude of ways a punk can eat, we are still baffled by one diet in particular: the pescatarian. So we’d like to ask, respectfully, what’s the fucking point?

Is it a sustainability thing? There are definitely run-of-the-mill vegetarians who don’t eat beef because they read on TikTok that cow farts cause global warming. But do you guys really think that fishing is a sustainable solution and has no ill effects on the earth? Anything done on an industrial scale is going to straight-up fuck the planet.

So is it an ethical respect for other life? If so, y’all are seriously like, “Ah yes, fish are not living beings.” We are confused as fuck by this approach too. It would make a lot more sense to either just eat everything and not give a shit or go full vegan if your morality so inclines you to. Eating no meat or poultry, but still consuming fish, is such a massive half-ass that it baffles us on a very fundamental level. What’s next? Putting a bumper sticker on your car bragging about finishing only half a marathon?

Can you fill us in here just a little? Why bother with any restrictions at all if it only serves to confuse even your most alternative friends as well as the normies in your life? The vegans are going to fucking tear you a new one and omnivores are going to try to make you eat bacon because anyone calling themselves that is still mentally in 2012 when bacon was the height of personality and comedy.

Anything? An inkling of meaning or justification? Why bother with this foolish charade? Nothing? Oh, to hell with it all. Enjoy annoying every side of the dinner table, you utter buffoon.

Super Bowl Crypto Ad More of PSA This Year

Posted on February 12, 2023 by Doug Kolic

SINGAPORE – Crypto.com CEO Kris Marszalek announced the commercials his company runs at this year’s Super Bowl will act as a Public Service Announcement to warn the public about the dangers of investing in such a stupid product, penniless sources confirmed.

“Last year’s game was dubbed the ‘Crypto Bowl’ because companies like ours were flying high with splashy ads,” stated Marszalek as he tried to talk an investor off a ledge. “Then everything went to shit, highlighted by FTX’s bankruptcy and fraud. But instead of bailing on the big game this year like those cucks at Coinbase and eToro, we’ll be back and bigger than ever. We’ve got an exciting ad with one of the members of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, Hester M. Peirce, explaining the risks of crypto to one of those blue things from Avatar in their native Na’vi language. It’s gonna be epic.”

Local crypto bro Dawkins Hinshaw wished there was this type of initiative a year ago before he ignored all the obvious warning signs.

“I’m so screwed,” said Hinshaw on the way out from his liquidation proceedings. “Last year the ads were promising instant wealth if I invested every last cent I had. I’m a huge fan of Matt Damon so when he told me ‘Fortune Favors the Brave’ I immediately cashed in my 401(k) and went balls deep into crypto because I ain’t no soft boy, I’m a brave boy. But turns out I was a dumb boy who’s now a poor boy, left holding nothing but my own dick with my stupid diamond hands. Could you give me a lift home? My wife got the car in the divorce and my mom says she won’t pick me up anymore.”

World-renowned crypto expert Matt Damon offered his take on the story.

“Please stop harassing me, you know I’m not an expert. It was just an acting gig,” he said while at Whole Foods where he was coincidentally buying some apples. “I didn’t force anyone to invest. If you’re so easily swayed by advertising, maybe you should move to North Korea. Plus, if I had that much power to control society don’t you think I would have forced more people to see The Great Wall? But I am excited to be featured in this year’s ad, mainly because the SEC said they won’t prosecute me if I cooperated.”

At press time, crypto companies were still raising millions from Silicon Valley which never seems to learn its lesson.

Philly Punk Excited to Riot Regardless of Super Bowl Outcome

Posted on February 12, 2023 by Audrey Vieira

PHILADELPHIA — Point Breeze crust punk Jett Cordova is reportedly delighted to riot regardless of whether or not the Eagles win Super Bowl LVII, sources already looting the nearest Wawa confirmed.

“Typically the only part of football I like is watching dudes who would’ve given me a wedgie in high school beating CTE into each other’s brains. But with the Eagles in the Super Bowl I’m really excited to get back out and burn this city to the fucking ground,” Cordova said following a Locust Deli beer run. “Typically Philly sports fans will wreck their own shit whether their teams win or lose, so I obviously can’t miss that. Plus, It’ll be nice to catch up with all the friends I got arrested with celebrating the Eagles’ win back in 2018. Mark my words, this is the year I knock out a cop.”

But some in the punk community, like Allison Moretti, intend to skip the big game entirely to secure a prime spot for the inevitable riots.

“I get the appeal of watching a bunch of sweaty people crash into each other, but I see that all the time at shows — which are way lighter on commercials, mind you,” Moretti said while camping on top of a bus shelter. “Real Philadelphians know not to waste time watching the game, lest we waste precious time while the cops are distracted with their parties. I’ve been out here since noon checking which lampposts those pigs didn’t grease. By the time they try to stop me, I’ll already be on top of this thing.”

City planner Todd Sartini insists any potential riots will remain under control.

“Whether the fans desecrate city property to celebrate or to grieve the Eagles’ fates, my fellow municipal employees and I are prepared for the worst,” Sartini insisted. “We have shatter-resistant windows in most of our buildings now so I’m not too concerned. I might even look outside and watch those crazy kids get their skulls bashed in by our wonderful boys in blue. I don’t pay much attention to sports, punks, or police officers, but I hope everyone has fun.”

At press time, and despite Dallas not being in the Super Bowl since the ‘90s, Cordova was heard repeatedly screaming “Cowboys suck” at every passerby.

The Weekly Scene Report: February 11

Posted on February 11, 2023 by Bobby Korec

It’s the end of the week, which means now is your last chance to catch up on the most important stories you missed in the scene over the last seven days.