Every The Get Up Kids Albums Ranked

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Before you get into these rankings it’s important you understand that the worst album from The Get Up Kids is still better than 90% of the other “emo” bands of the era. The Get Up Kids are on the Mount Rushmore of emo bands, and I’m not talking about the Myspace/Hot Topic emo that turned the entire genre into a punchline to be ridiculed by guys named Luke who drive a Jeep and pose for Christmas photos holding various assault rifles. Anyway, let’s get into it.

6. On a Wire (2002)

In 2002 The Get Up Kids were riding high. Emo music was about to take over every high school drama department, they had just toured with Weezer (who were still somewhat respectable at the time), and they were flirting with the mainstream. Then they released “On a Wire.” It’s like your favorite team had just won the championship, and then the next season they came back, filled the water jug with liquid shit, and started devouring the diarrhea in front of everyone. I’ve lost the thread here, but this album isn’t their best.

Play it again: “Campfire Kansas”
Skip it: All other songs on the album

5. Guilt Show (2004)

This is by no means a bad album, in fact if it’s the first The Get Up Kids album you ever heard you probably have a fondness for it, but unfortunately you’re wrong and you need to understand that. “Guilt Show” just lacks the special sauce that makes TGUK so replayable. The tempo is a bit too slow, there seems to be a country twang to the whole thing, and for that reason, it’s low on this official list.

Play it again: “How Long is Too Long”
Skip it: “Sick In Her Skin”

 

4. There Are Rules (2011)

This is the biggest departure stylistically for The Get Up Kids, but it makes sense in its own way. You can hear The Pixies, Failure, and new wave influences throughout, and I’m just going to assume The Get Up Kids kids are fans of those bands and new wave in general. If I’m wrong then I’ll eat a car tire. The entire fucking tire, steel band and all. I’m being serious, if you can provide me with written proof that I am wrong then we can go to the Costco Tire Center by my house and I’ll start chowing down. No condiments, no water, all rubber, and metal.

 

Play it again: “Tithe”
Skip it: Rally ‘Round the Fool

Honorable Mention: Eudora (2001)

Unfortunately, compilation albums aren’t allowed to be ranked. Including them in a rankings list will often get you on some sort of terrorist watch list. But we are going to try to sneak this under the radar, and hopefully next time I fly I’m not subjected to a full cavity search. This comp has a lot of B-sides and covers. Some of the covers are arguably better than the originals, others are a waste of time entirely. Sidenote, I got banned from the mall for stealing this CD before an orthodontist appointment back in 2001. The good old days.

Play it again: “Close to Me”
Skip it: “Beer for Breakfast” (No self-respecting straight edge person actually listens to this cover)

3. Problems (2019)

That’s right, it’s not often a band’s newest album is this high on a list. But, for the most part, the Get Up Kids had a return to form with “Problems.” The majority of the songs are upbeat, Matt Pryor is really belting out those lyrics, and if this was an album that came out during the time people were forced to listen to CDs I’d know every lyric, but since streaming ruins everything I never think to listen to it, still good though.

Play it again: “The Advocate”
Skip it: “Waking Up Alone”

 

Honorable Mention: The EP’s: Red Letter Day & Woodson (2001)

“Woodson” is the first music The Get Up Kids released and it’s got more of an edge. The songs are yelled a little bit more than they are sung, and it’s amazing. “Red Letter Day” is the first release featuring James Dewees on keyboards and it took The Get Up Kids from a good band, to a great band. Also, I had a friend who claims he dated the woman “Mass Pike” was written about. I think he’s a liar, but don’t let that ruin this collection of songs for you.

Play it again: “Second Place”
Skip it: Listen to every song, it won’t take long.

2. Four Minute Mile (1997)

The Get Up Kids came out of the gate firing with their debut album. When I listened to this album as a 16-year-old I thought the guys in the band had lived multiple lives. They sang about lost love, setting off on your own, and creating your own life. Then I learn they were still teenagers when they wrote it and it made me realize I had done nothing with my life, and because I’m consistent, I’ve still done nothing with my life, and this album is a brutal reminder of that.

Play it again: “No Love”
Skip it: “Michelle with One ‘L’”

 

1. Something to Write Home About (1999)

You already knew this was going to be ranked number 1. This is as close to perfect of an album as you can get. Catchy hooks, singalongs, songs you can put on a mixtape and not feel like a complete tool, it has it all. And don’t pretend you never drove home alone on a Friday night in the car you inherited from your grandma after her untimely death screaming all the words to “Out of Reach” and thinking to yourself “I’ll be alone forever.” We’ve all been there.

Play it again: “Holiday”
Skip it: There are no songs you can skip, but maybe you can stop listening after “Close to Home” if you aren’t in the mood for a slow song.

Read more rankings of your favorite bands 

15 New Jersey Bands That Almost Make the State Tolerable

Posted on by Steve Esparra

Ah, the Garden State. To know her is to marginally tolerate her out of necessity. The taxes, the corrupt politicians, the odor; it’s really got everything for a young, impressionable punk to rebel against. You can call Jersey the armpit of America all you want, but when was the last time you went to a punk show that didn’t smell like B.O.? Sorry your poser state smells like lavender fields or honeydew or whatever.

We know we are brash to outsiders, but deep down, we are also equally as hardened. Thus, the bands from our great state rule. Here are 15 bands you should familiarize yourself with.

We hope that this window into the New Jersey scene helps you better understand our culture, or at least tolerate it a little more. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to hop on a train to the city so we can actually see some good touring acts.

Scientists Baffled by Band Whose Later Stuff Better Than Early Stuff

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

PRINCETON, N.J. — Top scientists from around the nation are reportedly perplexed beyond belief upon discovering that the band Touchstone Phone’s later material miraculously exceeds the quality of their early stuff, disconcerted sources reluctantly confirmed.

“It defies all scientific precedent. I feel like I’m dreaming. We’re so used to a band’s early stuff being what’s most solid, but to find a group where it’s the other way around? I had to call a summit immediately,” said Princeton research scientist Dr. Desmond Pilsner. “We had them play their latest release, to wild applause, and then switch to a few cuts off their debut, which had a lot of the foremost scientific brains in the world rushing to the bathroom to vomit. It was fascinating.”

Touchstone Phone members report a palpable disappointment in their earlier work being so dismissed by the country’s greatest minds.

“Come on, it’s not that insane that we’d grow as a band. Those eggheads are taking things too far. Plus, our first few albums kick ass, I don’t care what they say,” asserted primary songwriter Dion Jarmis, from his sterilized laboratory holding cell. “And on top of everything, there are tons of examples of bands whose later stuff is better than their early stuff, and once I think of the name of one, I’m going to shove it right up their stethoscopes. Man, it’s gonna be sweet.”

Local physician Dr. Francine Frickes identifies with the band’s frustration.

“I can relate with their struggle, for sure. I’m in the same boat, nobody seems to want archaic medical treatment anymore, ” said Dr. Frickes. “They just want the latest stuff, like top of the line x-ray equipment, and pills that actually, y’know, cure things. Goodness, what I wouldn’t give to break out the leeches and perform a good ol’ fashioned blood-letting, or give someone anesthesia via wooden mallet. But, until a retro medicinal craze sweeps the nation, I guess I’ll keep playing the latest hits.”

Upon release from the lab, Touchstone Phone promptly quit the music business and decided to become chefs who are “really good at preparing dinner and horrible at making breakfast.”

We Sat Down With That Crazy Guitar Guy From “Mad Max: Fury Road” and Asked Him Whether He Prefers a Maple or Rosewood Fretboard

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

2015 had a lot to offer. There was that one new Ought album and life hadn’t totally gone down the shitter yet. But the cream of the crop had to be Mad Max: Fury Road. Eight years later and there are still so many unanswered questions about the stunt performances. Luckily, we were able to sit down with the guitar guy and asked him to reveal all his secrets for his gnarly tone.

The Hard Times: First and foremost, it’s truly an honor to sit down with you. I mean, when someone thinks of Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), they think of the crazy guitar guy. So, what’s it like being the crazy guitar guy?
Crazy Guitar Guy: Well, my name’s Coma the Doof Warrior so I’d appreciate it if you’d jot that down for the record. People love me when I’m laying down a sick riff but whenever they ask for the “crazy guitar guy,” everyone thinks they mean Eric Clapton.

I could see why that’s a problem but you’ve gotta be a mainstream artist at least in the wasteland. Do you make enough to make a living?
I suppose so, but that rat fuck Immortan Joe is always asking for a cut. First, he wanted access to all the water in the aquifer and I said sure. Now, he’s forcing me to give up 70% of my profit for “business expenses” even though I know he’s spending it on that white powder shit.

Well, how about we talk a little about your setup? Guitar nerds across the universe have bickered back and forth on this forever, so I gotta know. Maple or rosewood?
That’s easy, it’s maple. Have you ever been on top of the Doof Wagon zooming across a desert and tried using rosewood? Yeah, good luck with that buddy. Have fun playing Yo La Tengo with your guitar for two hours before it fucking withers away.

Really? Don’t you think maple is a bit tougher on the hands?
Listen, pal. There’s not a single bottle of lotion left in the wasteland. My hands are a lost cause.

It sounds like the wasteland is unforgiving. I imagine your tuning setup has to be sturdy.
I have to use spark plugs as tuning machines because it’ll be a cold day in Valhalla before I use one of those non-locking Squier pegs. But still, the strings don’t hold a tune for long, especially since I have to reach my quota on the whole whammy bar flamethrower thing.

You know, I heard a story that you actually lost both your eyes due to your guitar strings snapping.
No, you asshole, I am actually blind from birth. That’s it, one more dogshit question and I’m leaving.

Well, have you ever considered playing an acoustic set for the war party?
No one has ever heard a soft folk song and wanted to run over somebody, so fuck you. I’m leaving now, I gotta go blow the sand out of my amps before the next battle.

10 Worst Weezer Songs to Put on Your Sex Playlist

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

We get it. You love Weezer almost as much as you love fucking. Trying to combine the best of both worlds in a steamy playlist? Here are ten songs to avoid at all costs.

10. “In the Garage”

Nerd alert! Look, we’re sure that your partner finds your dorkiness charming. We do too! Still, it’s best to skip this track as “twelve-sided die” is not a euphemism for a sex act and the song is just going to remind you of how much junk you have in storage.

9. “(If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To”

Want me to what? Use your words. Nobody likes to guess their partner’s needs. Clearly communicating what you want might not feel sexy, but it’s the hottest thing there is.

8. “Can’t Stop Partying”

You’d think this would be the sex jam of the century, but there’s no bigger turn-off than hearing a middle-aged man sing about how much he parties. Sure, the Lil Wayne verse has the potential to liven things up, but this track is still a risky addition.

7. “Across the Sea”

This is a great song to put on if you want to make it abundantly clear to your partner that you are not present in the current moment while simultaneously giving them the ick. There will be plenty of time to argue that Rivers Cuomo isn’t objectively a creep on this one after the deed is done. No need to spoil the moment now.

6. “Pork and Beans”

This is a demanding little number about doing your own thing, which can be pretty hot under the right circumstances. In bed, however, chances are your partner gives a hoot about what you think. You probably shouldn’t suggest that you don’t return the favor.

5. “Keep Fishin'”

The sentiment here is definitely sweet, but it’s hard not to think of the Muppets video that accompanied the track. This is just our opinion, though. We certainly don’t want to kink shame here. If you or your partner is into a little bit of puppet play, then by all means throw it on!

4. “Say It Ain’t So”

This classic references both alcoholism and masturbation, but not in the sexy way that makes you wish you wore looser pants or brought a towel to sit on. This is without mentioning that no one really wants to think about their father or step-father while getting down to business.

3. “Where’s My Sex?”

Entitled much? Where’s my foreplay? Rivers originally wrote this one about trying to find his socks, but then decided at the last minute to make the song as off-putting and, at times, incestuous as possible. Hard pass.

2. “Tired of Sex”

Is it an actual banger? Yes. Is it about sex? You bet. Still, the last thing anyone wants to hear in the midst of coitus is a song about a chronically depressed man who is exhausted from casually fucking the entire town in the span of a single week. 

1. “Butterfly”

It’s a slow jam, and it’s about the time Rivers brutally killed an insect most likely by suffocation. But a further inspection of the lyrics makes us think it might be some sort of metaphor. Either way, avoid it next time you go to pound town.

FUCK: Selmer Just Released a Flying V Oboe

Posted on by John Danek

ELKHART, Ind. — Legendary orchestral instrument manufacturer Selmer announced plans to edge into the metal musician market with the debut of a Flying V-shaped oboe, confused oboists reported.

“It’s time for Selmer to enter the 20th century and tap the youth market, so we’re proud to announce a Flying V oboe,” stated company spokesperson Henrietta Popovich, who has frequently started wearing a “Master of Puppets” shirt under her power suit blazer. “Heavy metal is more than a passing fad, and kids are going to be lining up outside their town music store to get one. To be honest, we’ve been getting crushed in sales by ‘Guitar Hero’ and DJ equipment and those shiny handheld karaoke microphones, so we really need a win. Hail Satan!”

The first prospective buyers of the radically shaped woodwind expressed some frustration at questionable ergonomics.

“This thing sucks! I can’t get it to make a sound at all,” vented Ricky Platz, 6th grader at Elkhart South Middle School. “I’m ok at my normal oboe, but this one is all weird and you have to pivot it on your leg. And it looks even dorkier than my normal one. The 8th graders on the bus are going to have an easier time stealing it from me and dangling it out the window. I just want to play ‘Fortnite’ and quit music forever.”

Not content with simply redesigning their legendary instruments, Selmer contacted legendary metal musicians for endorsement deals.

“When they first reached out, I thought it was a fuckin’ joke, but ever since my band broke up, I ain’t got shit to do so fuck it, I signed with Selmer,” recounted Slayer guitarist and Nazi memorabilia collector Kerry King. “So yeah, I’ll do some full-page ads in ‘Saxophone Journal’ of me stomping on a skull and holding the oboe. We’re even in talks for a signature clarinet model with a blood-splatter finish and spikes coming out of the sides.”

Not to be outdone by their competitors, Hohner has announced a new “punk” variant of their popular accordions which only have the C, F, and G keys.

Every Fall Out Boy Album Ranked

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Fall Out Boy have put out anywhere from one to eight decent records depending on which fans you ask. Some prefer the guitar-driven sound of their early days, while others enjoy their post-hiatus sound despite it leaning more towards pop than punk. In honor of their latest release “So Much (For) Stardust,” here’s a definitive ranking of their studio albums.

8. American Beauty / American Psycho (2015)

It’s no coincidence that Fall Out Boy’s most mainstream album is also our least favorite. Sure, there are some real gems if you listen beyond the overplayed singles, but we’ve heard “Centuries” too many times to count. Would it kill the NFL music supervisors to play “Irresistible” or the title track instead? For Christ’s sake, even “Immortals” was easier to avoid and that shit was in “Big Hero 6.”

Play It Again: “Fourth of July” (Just don’t reminisce too hard about your own heartbreaks.)
Skip It: “Centuries” (You’ll hear it later before a sporting event.)

7. MANIA (2018)

Perhaps if “Young And Menace” dropped after 100 gecs made nightcore cool again, more people would’ve come around to this one. While not without its faults, there are a lot of interesting moments happening throughout this album with the exception of failed jock jam “Champion,” a rare low point for Fall Out Boy. If you’re going to make a weird album, don’t stick a bland radio single in there — commit to the chaos.

Play It Again: “Young And Menace” (But tell your friends it’s proto-hyperpop so they appreciate it.)
Skip It: “Champion” (We have “Centuries” and “Light ‘Em Up” at home.)

6. So Much (For) Stardust (2023)

We don’t want to rank it too high lest recency bias clouds our judgment, but Fall Out Boy’s first new album in five years is pretty damn good. The opening guitar solo on “Love From The Other Side” brings back fond memories of listening to their earlier records. Though it’s unclear what Patrick Stump is saying on certain tracks, the fact that we’re scrambling to search up lyrics proves Fall Out Boy is back.

Play It Again: “Hold Me Like A Grudge” (We still don’t know all the words, but Joe Trohman’s riffs rule.)
Skip It: “The Pink Seashell” (If you’ve seen Ethan Hawke in “Reality Bites,” you’ve already heard this one.)

5. Save Rock And Roll (2013)

Despite its title, Fall Out Boy’s first album since returning from their hiatus is more focused on saving pop-rock than rock and roll. It doesn’t even defend pop punk. Still, it’s genuinely exciting to hear the band’s renewed chemistry on collaborations with the likes of Courtney Love and Elton John. Whether you’re moved by the soulful vocals or sad to hear music that doesn’t sound like it came out in 2005, you’ll shed tears for the powerful title track.

Play It Again: “Save Rock And Roll” (Bonus points if you spot the “Chicago Is So Two Years Ago” sample)
Skip It: “Death Valley” (Go straight to the music video and check out Tommy Lee’s cameo as Satan. It heightens the experience.)

4. Take This To Your Grave (2003)

This was our favorite Fall Out Boy album once upon a time. Unfortunately, that time was 2003 and we’ve moved on with our lives. These songs will always hold a special place in our hearts and our high school journals, but we’d be lying to ourselves if we said this was their best work. Would you say Nirvana’s “Bleach” is better than “Nevermind?” Oh, you’re one of those people who would. Nevermind.

Play It Again: “Saturday” (It’s required listening if you ever see Fall Out Boy perform live.)
Skip It: Any recent Fall Out Boy albums if this one is really your favorite.

3. Infinity on High (2007)

Like New York’s hottest club, this album has everything: A Jay-Z feature, some glorious guitar solos, and a touching nod to Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah.” It’s radio-friendly enough to get away with at the gym yet it rocks hard enough to please your purist friends who insist Fall Out Boy haven’t made a good album since this one. Also, the cover art features an adorable sheep named Franklin. His presence alone puts this in the top 3.

Play It Again: “Thriller” (Definitely one of the top two “Thrillers” of all time.)
Skip It: “Golden” (Good song, but kind of a vibe killer right before “Thnks fr th Mmrs.”)

2. Folie à Deux (2008)

It will be a sad day when the “Joker” sequel makes it impossible to discuss this album without people thinking you’re talking about Joaquin Phoenix and Lady Gaga. We live in a society where that film might win Oscars while this masterpiece doesn’t even have a Grammy nod to its name. Newer Fall Out Boy fans might not remember, but Pete Wentz went method during this era for the “I Don’t Care” music video. Where’s his awards buzz?

Play It Again: “Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On A Bad Bet” (Infidelity never sounded so catchy.)
Skip It: Don’t you dare.

1. From Under The Cork Tree (2005)

With the angstiest lyrics, catchiest melodies, and longest song titles, this is the quintessential Fall Out Boy album for good reason. Breakout hits “Dance, Dance” and “Sugar We’re Goin Down” are just as exciting now as they were 15 years ago, though it’s disorienting to hear them on the classic rock station these days. Even kids who were in diapers when this came out can find catharsis in how Pete Wentz wears his heart on his Clandestine Industries sleeve.

Play It Again: Yes. (How else will you be able to decipher Patrick Stump’s enunciation?)
Skip It: To quote closer “XO,” if you skip anything on this album, “I hope you choke and crash your car.”

Read more rankings of your favorite bands 

If You Didn’t Want to Attend the Gathering of the Juggalos You Shouldn’t Have Put Me in Charge of Planning Our Honeymoon

Posted on by Doug Kolic

Yo babe, are you serious? You really wanted to go to Disneyland after the wedding? Then why didn’t you just say so?

Oh, you did a million times but I just nodded as if I was listening and continued to spray Moon Mist all over the apartment? Fair enough, but in my defense, if you didn’t want to attend The Gathering of the Juggalos why the hell did you ever entrust me with something important like planning our honeymoon? Whoop whoop!

I’m not blaming you per se, but you also did specifically tell me that you’d be cool with any destination that was unique and interesting. And that’s exactly what the GOTJ is all about. Frankly, I’ve already sacrificed a lot of my customs by agreeing to hold off on the face paint until after the church service and to not stick anything between my butt cheeks until we were off the plane.

Of your extreme reaction, I’m starting to question whether you love me at all. You know I was down with the clown when we met, and I guess I just wished you would meet me halfway into the dark carnival. I never judged you for your unhealthy fascination with The Mouse House and all those times you forced me to watch Frozen. Just imagine how embarrassed I was having to admit to my friends that my fiancée was into Disney and preferred Fanta.

Just reserve judgment until after you compete in the juggalette beauty pageant I entered you in. Or after we spend a romantic walk along the drug bridge while the weed and salvia smoke wafts around your exposed cans, my popsicle and nizzos dangling in the afterglow of the numerous trash fires raging out of control. Of course, we’ll be naked and my butthole will be out, what kind of question even is that?!

Maybe our differences are too much to overcome and I should just take my hatchets and fireworks and fuck off. Or maybe I can stay if we promise to come together and embrace all of me, from the tips of my Osiris sneakers to the top of my krazy ass, filthy spider braids.

Fine, but I’m huffing nitrous on Space Mountain.

Concerning: Dentist Just Put On Speed Metal Before Root Canal

Posted on by Charles Bill

AUSTIN, Texas — Local dental patient Peter Thomas was in a state of panic recently when his dentist began absolutely blasting speed metal before beginning a root canal, sources paralyzed with fear confirm.

“It all started when he asked me if he could put on some tunes,” said Thomas. “I said sure, because I hate the noise of teeth grinding. Next thing I know he’s blasting ‘Raining Blood’ and talking to me about the time he double-teamed a nurse with Kerry King at a medical supplies convention in ‘98. I tried to ask him to change the music, but my mouth was numb and he was too busy playing drums on my chest with two of those little mouth mirrors. I should have noticed his Pantera scrubs, but that’s my mistake.”

Dr. Greg Yermin, DDS, was completely nonplussed by what he considers a standard soundtrack to his daily work.

“I asked that guy if he had any questions, but then he started making weird noises and I had to say ‘wait shut the fuck up, this part rules,’” said Yermin as he turned up “Through the Fire and Flames.” “This shit gets me so pumped to rip teeth right out of the jaw. And then, he wouldn’t stop squirming, which was really harshing my nitrous buzz. I asked if he wanted a hit, ‘cause I can get it like, no problem. Those dopes really just sent it to me because I went to ‘dental school.’ Chumps.”

While this musical practice may seem unusual to some, it is in fact rooted in cutting-edge scientific research.

“Music that blasts ass at 300 beats per minute actually makes dental procedures easier,” said American Dental Association fellow Janice Gomez as she practiced on her massive drum kit. “The most wildin’, head-banging tracks actually slow down blood flow, making it substantially easier to pull a tooth, cap a cavity, or beat someone’s fucking head in. We’ve recommended all our doctors stop playing pussy shit like Hall and Oates and start shredding their patients’ faces off with some Children of Bodom on a 32-inch subwoofer.”

At press time, Thomas was feeling uneasy when his dermatologist put on the YouTube video ‘Most Bone Crunching Dubstep Drops Of 2012’ before freezing off a mole.

GWAR Forced to Build Costume and Elaborate Backstory for Tambourine Player Featured in One Song

Posted on by Charles Bill

RICHMOND, Va. — Thrash metal band GWAR was forced to build an immense costume and elaborate backstory for a tambourine player that was featured in just one song on a recent release, sources confirmed.

“I got hired to play on a track, and next thing I know they’re handing me a 200-page character bible,” said session tambourinist Thomas Paige, now known in the band as Adolfus Cumlizard. “They insisted I memorize the whole thing before I go on tour with them. I just play on the bridge, and suddenly I have to pretend to be, what they called, a ‘multiversal fuckbeast.’ They gave me a costume and I nearly put my eye out when I tried to put it on. Can’t believe I went to Juilliard for this. But they’re tripling my daily rate so I guess I’ll roll with it.”

The primary members of the band seemed excited about adding the tambourine player to their ranks.

“Adolfus Cumlizard will tear your fucking face off and then piss on your skull,” said lead guitarist Pustulus Maximus. “This crazy mamma jamma comes from a planet where they fuck volcanos to reproduce. He knows the caldera g-spot and he’ll hit it and cause Mt. Vesuvius to bust all over Rome. He splooges on the audience in shows and they love it. His tambourine creates a sonic boom that compels all puny humans to fuck until they die from dehydration. No gatorade on his planet.”

Music expert Janet Oakes explained that this is not the first occasion of a temporary band member being absorbed into a band’s lore.

“This happens all the time,” Oakes explained. “I remember in 2007, Slipknot contracted 200 members of the Boston Gay Men’s Chorus to provide backing vocals in a concert and had to spend thousands of hours coming up with unique masks for each of them. A few were clearly Halloween masks from Party City, but most were of very high quality. Also Okilly Dokilly would routinely make their backing musicians get major cosmetic surgery to look exactly like Ned Flanders. It’s an industry standard.”

At press time, Paige was admitted to the hospital after scalding their hands while mixing a vat of corn syrup and red food coloring to simulate volcanic semen for the upcoming tour.