AUSTIN, Texas — Local dental patient Peter Thomas was in a state of panic recently when his dentist began absolutely blasting speed metal before beginning a root canal, sources paralyzed with fear confirm.
“It all started when he asked me if he could put on some tunes,” said Thomas. “I said sure, because I hate the noise of teeth grinding. Next thing I know he’s blasting ‘Raining Blood’ and talking to me about the time he double-teamed a nurse with Kerry King at a medical supplies convention in ‘98. I tried to ask him to change the music, but my mouth was numb and he was too busy playing drums on my chest with two of those little mouth mirrors. I should have noticed his Pantera scrubs, but that’s my mistake.”
Dr. Greg Yermin, DDS, was completely nonplussed by what he considers a standard soundtrack to his daily work.
“I asked that guy if he had any questions, but then he started making weird noises and I had to say ‘wait shut the fuck up, this part rules,’” said Yermin as he turned up “Through the Fire and Flames.” “This shit gets me so pumped to rip teeth right out of the jaw. And then, he wouldn’t stop squirming, which was really harshing my nitrous buzz. I asked if he wanted a hit, ‘cause I can get it like, no problem. Those dopes really just sent it to me because I went to ‘dental school.’ Chumps.”
While this musical practice may seem unusual to some, it is in fact rooted in cutting-edge scientific research.
“Music that blasts ass at 300 beats per minute actually makes dental procedures easier,” said American Dental Association fellow Janice Gomez as she practiced on her massive drum kit. “The most wildin’, head-banging tracks actually slow down blood flow, making it substantially easier to pull a tooth, cap a cavity, or beat someone’s fucking head in. We’ve recommended all our doctors stop playing pussy shit like Hall and Oates and start shredding their patients’ faces off with some Children of Bodom on a 32-inch subwoofer.”
At press time, Thomas was feeling uneasy when his dermatologist put on the YouTube video ‘Most Bone Crunching Dubstep Drops Of 2012’ before freezing off a mole.