ELKHART, Ind. — Legendary orchestral instrument manufacturer Selmer announced plans to edge into the metal musician market with the debut of a Flying V-shaped oboe, confused oboists reported.
“It’s time for Selmer to enter the 20th century and tap the youth market, so we’re proud to announce a Flying V oboe,” stated company spokesperson Henrietta Popovich, who has frequently started wearing a “Master of Puppets” shirt under her power suit blazer. “Heavy metal is more than a passing fad, and kids are going to be lining up outside their town music store to get one. To be honest, we’ve been getting crushed in sales by ‘Guitar Hero’ and DJ equipment and those shiny handheld karaoke microphones, so we really need a win. Hail Satan!”
The first prospective buyers of the radically shaped woodwind expressed some frustration at questionable ergonomics.
“This thing sucks! I can’t get it to make a sound at all,” vented Ricky Platz, 6th grader at Elkhart South Middle School. “I’m ok at my normal oboe, but this one is all weird and you have to pivot it on your leg. And it looks even dorkier than my normal one. The 8th graders on the bus are going to have an easier time stealing it from me and dangling it out the window. I just want to play ‘Fortnite’ and quit music forever.”
Not content with simply redesigning their legendary instruments, Selmer contacted legendary metal musicians for endorsement deals.
“When they first reached out, I thought it was a fuckin’ joke, but ever since my band broke up, I ain’t got shit to do so fuck it, I signed with Selmer,” recounted Slayer guitarist and Nazi memorabilia collector Kerry King. “So yeah, I’ll do some full-page ads in ‘Saxophone Journal’ of me stomping on a skull and holding the oboe. We’re even in talks for a signature clarinet model with a blood-splatter finish and spikes coming out of the sides.”
Not to be outdone by their competitors, Hohner has announced a new “punk” variant of their popular accordions which only have the C, F, and G keys.