Living on the cusp of armageddon is terrifying in a lot of ways, but as completionists, it’s kind of exciting!
Take for example this list of the top 30 New Year’s Eve movies. This is probably going to be the LAST LIST of New Year’s Eve movies, ever! We’ve got like what, 4, maybe 6 more years of society as we know it, tops? Hot off the writers’ strike, it’s highly unlikely Hollywood is going to crank out a list-worthy New Year’s movie in that time.
So yeah, the coming apocalypse sucks, but let’s try to concentrate on the positives and close the book on New Year’s Eve movies forever!
30. Happy New Year, Charlie Brown (1986)
Good grief, is there any holiday the Peanuts gang doesn’t try to bum us out on? This time around Charlie Brown has to go to Peppermint Patty’s New Year’s Eve party. The dilemma? He wants to finish reading “War and Peace!” Will Charlie be able to finish his book in time before.. uhm, ah, who gives a fuck?! This one also heavily features the extremely nuanced, totally three-dimensional character “the little redhead girl.” Thanks, Charles Schulz, your losery proto-incel bullshit is an inspiration to millions!
29. Serendipity (2001)
We really don’t get why so many New Year’s movies are romantic comedies. Do you know a single person who met their long-term significant other on New Year’s Eve? If you fuck someone on New Year’s at best you awkwardly have coffee the following morning and silently agree to never see each other again.
28. Eat, Pray, Love (2011)
Not sure why anyone would want to ring in one of the last years we have left with “White Privilege: The Motion Picture.” You shouldn’t be rooting for a wealthy, shameless culturally appropriating Julia Roberts to find herself, you should be hoarding drinking water and canned goods!
27. The Apartment (1960)
Another New Year’s Eve romance ending, but this one’s the most believable of the bunch what with all the cheating, classism, and misogyny.
26. I Hate New Year’s (2020)
Remember that magical New Year’s Eve when you went hunting for your ex to get inspiration for your rising but recently stagnating pop music career, only to find that the best friend who’s been helping you is the real person you love all along? No, of course you don’t. You remember pigs in a blanket, cheap sparkling wine, and vomiting. Then you were hungover, then you went back to your shitty job. It’s not a romantic day!
25. Happy New Year (1987)
The most prevalent type of New Year’s Eve movies are rom-coms, which again makes zero sense, but the second most common type is heist movies, and that’s way more plausible when you think about it. New Year’s Eve is a great time for robbery. Lots of cash flowing around, lots of big events, and everyone’s drunk and stupid, honestly we might try to pull one. Once you’re all distracted by Post Malone and LL Cool J rocking out in Times Square, we’re coming for the Planet Fitness vault and living out the end of civilization in style!
24. Two Lovers (2009)
More New Year’s Eve Romance, depressed 2008 Brooklyn hipster style! In other words, bad!
23. Mermaids (1990)
This movie features Cher dressed as a mermaid at a New Year’s Eve party, which feels appropriately apocalyptic. Definitely has a Book of Revelations vibe.
22. The Age of Adaline (2015)
Another romance movie and one about living forever to boot. Two things completely antithetical to New Year’s Eve. Especially now, don’t have children, they won’t see their teenage years thanks to all the damage we’ve done.
21. A Winter Getaway (2021)
Do you like your New Year’s romance stories with the added artifice of a woman still loving a man after she finds out he was lying about being a millionaire? Then “Winter Getaway” is the movie for you! Also, you’re fucking WEIRD!
20. Ocean’s Eleven (1960)
Another year, another heist, baby! The original “Ocean’s Eleven” took place on New Year’s Eve, and really, who partied harder on New Year’s Eve than The Rat Pack? If you can ignore all the womanizing, assault, petty miserdom, and other problematic behaviors from everyone involved in this film it’s a real swingin’ time, babe.
19. Strange Days (1995)
This 1995 sci-fi thriller is about the distant future of 1999, where technology has evolved to the point where people can record their experiences and emotions and play them for others. Remember that? Remember how hot that was in ’99? No? Exactly. This movie is a poignant reminder that our dreams of what the future might hold are just that—dreams. Here we are edging up to the end of days in 2024 and the closest thing we have to that is neuralink, which pretty much just kills monkeys.
18. Carol (2016)
More romance, great. What could be more romantic than a holiday synonymous with vomiting, loud noises, and broken promises?
17. Snowpiercer (2013)
This is our lowest-ranked New Year’s Eve movie that takes place on a train. That’s not saying nothing, there are four of them! Romance, heists, and trains, apparently that’s what New Year’s Eve is all about. This one is simply the least credible as civilization is clearly going to crumble long before some rich maniac can build a train around the world. Elon Musk can’t even run Twitter, there’s no way the Hyperloop ever happens.
16. Trading Places (1983)
Coming in third on our micro-list of train-centric New Year’s movies it’s “Trading Places.” Merry New Year!
America’s favorite politically Conservative leaning and literal hot, hotbed known as Phoenix, Arizona is an unlikely birthplace for AJJ, but said stinky and sweaty locale likely inspired the band’s atypical and non-Right Wing-tinged outlook on life and actual music. The band’s second studio album “People Who Can Eat People Are the Luckiest People in the World,” was their first for Asian Man; both diva Kurt Vonnegut and esteemed author Barbra Streisand must be so proud. If you wish that The Hotelier was more of a folk-punk acoustic act, then this band and album are for you! Plus, it is easily the best album title of all time sans hyperbole, and we aren’t taking any further questions on the matter.
It seems that Mike Park has been in more bands than SR-71’s Travis Barker, but The Chinkees (we didn’t come up with the band’s name, and we don’t like typing it) is certainly his most superior act not named Skankin’ Pickle. The band’s debut full-length studio album “The Chinkees Are Coming” is a third-wave ska blueprint front to back, and showed the listener that Park was both a fan of the past AND ahead of his time. Recorded with the yet-to-be-mentioned Tuesday as Park’s backup band prior to gigging as an all Asian unit, “The Chinkees Are Coming” will appeal to fans of The Gadjits and The Hippos.
Speaking of the dastardly and polarizing three-letter word known as “ska,” Bloomington, Indiana’s own funk-influenced upstroke rockers Johnny Socko likely fell under your radar despite having the most third-wave band name of all time. Still, Hulk Hogan’s former best friend and confidant Todd Alan Clem certainly noticed the catchy Socko and epically used this album’s title track in its entirety as part of the introduction to Clem’s popular Sirius Satellite Radio Show “Bubba The Love Sponge”; yes, Bubba The Love Sponge. The diverse by definition effort from Johnny Socko, “Full Trucker Effect,” is their lone LP for Asian Man Records and without question the band’s best record, and after listening, at least half of your brain would agree. Sadly the band stopped their extremely heavy touring schedule just over twenty years ago in 2003, but happily they reunite every now and again for rock and roll shows in Indiana.
If you ever wanted the klezmer superstars known as Less Than Jake to listen to more “Pinkerton,” and apply said emo-tinged influence to their later material, we implore you to check out all of our favorite full-length studio LP listed here, St. Louis, Missouri’s MU330’s “Crab Rangoon,” right now this very minute, and return back to us right after its final seconds wrap up and your heart smiles. Finito? Fantastic. Anyway, “Crab Rangoon” is the most underrated ska-punk release of all time not known as Edna’s Goldfish’s “Before You Knew Better,” and we wish that the collective planet, err, knew better, and agreed with our righteous stance regarding such. Some call this band “psycho ska,” but we here just call MU330 awesome. In closing, frontman Dan Potthast has released some rad solo efforts as well!
We’re unsurprisingly gambling humans over here, so we surmise that it is either this effort from Zurich, Switzerland’s The Peacocks known as “Angel,” or the next to be mentioned unit from Southern California’s Pushover that is the most unknown to you, the dear reader of this article that you will have zero issues with. Describe THEIR sound? We will try, fans of rockabilly tinged punk like Melbourne, Australia’s superstars The Living End or cowpunk-esque Southern California AF outlet Social Distortion won’t want their Spotify monthly subscription money back after listening to “Angel” in its entirety. While no longer on Asian Man Records, the band still performs today, but usually in Switzerland or over the pond. So long, hello two Langhards and Luder.
If Riverfenix/Fenix TX’s self-titled LP, The Get-Up Kids once they incorporated keyboards to their post-hardcore sound, The Reunion Show’s sole full-length “Kill Your Television,” or Mýa’s straight-edge New York Hardcore masterpiece “Fear of Flying” is the type of pop punk or pop rock that you go for and/or went for in the late-’90s/early aughts, then it was your literal loss missing out on Southern California’s Pushover around that time period. However, there is still time to enjoy the band, as it is never too late to learn something new, unless it is. If this album came out two or three years earlier, the band would likely have at least two or three more albums by now, but sadly, we are not Dr. Emmett “Doc” Brown, so we are quite powerless, unless we have power. Fun fact: Pushover contains several members of another underrated band called Mealticket.
Reminder, Santa Cruz, California’s Slow Gherkin may have the worst name for a ska punk band of all time, and that is saying A LOT as, outside of SoundCloud rap, which for some reasons contains more “Lils” than Debbie does, has the cringiest titles ever, but don’t be fooled by their poor taste in a band name and check out their sophomore effort “Shed Some Skin.” This record was ahead of its time in terms of the utilization of keyboards that the aforementioned The Hippos used just one year later on their nearly ska-less major label debut “Heads Are Gonna Roll.” If you dig “Shed Some Skin,” and we know that you will, check out their plethora of material prior and after. Fun fact that is not fun: Slow Gherkin has had a lot of band members, and if you disagree with a literal truth, check out their Wikipedia page!
Speaking of timing, which is a less of a blessing and more of a curse for many of these albums here, West Chester, Pennsylvania, and not New York’s Spraynard’s excellently titled “Funtitled” LP would have far more reverence towards it and its glory if this album came out after Modern Baseball’s “Sports” or The Front Bottoms’ “Talon of the Hawk”. “Funtitled” is the lone release here from the 2010s and also has the distinction of being the newest effort mentioned here. Still, its album cover is the gold medalist in this piece, and cats are neither spooky or scary but they are quite exciting with computer magic. Good enough for you, Gary? Ah, we hope so, as this is FAR from a sophomore slump… And their 2015 LP “Mable,” their 2015 features an animal on its cover too!
“Freewheelin’” > “The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan”… Fight us if you disagree with our just and righteous opinion, as we’re masters of war and can make you disappear. Anyway, Thursday may have stolen this band’s emotional thunder too much of today, but said day of the week doesn’t include Alkaline Trio’s Dan Andriano in their esteemed lineup like Tuesday does. In the wake of Chicago ska-punk band Slapstick, who released a compilation of tracks via Asian Man Records the same year as “Freewheelin’,” Tuesday banded together and ditched the off-beat upstrokes in favor of arpeggios and octave chords for just one EP and LP before calling it a day in 1999 shortly after their The Chinkees collab with AMR label owner Mike “Muhammed Ali” Park. At just ten tracks and slightly over a half an hour, this LP is a bike race that ends way too soon; goodbyes have been said.
Swing had a successful few-month run in the late-’90s wherein it was the mainstream sound with surprisingly large acts such as Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, The Brian Setzer Orchestra, and Embrace waving the Los Feliz flag as high as the eye can see, and San Diego, California’s Unsteady utilized said genre influence along with traditional ska, jazz, rocksteady, and Norwegian death metal epically on their second full-length studio LP “Double Or Nothing.” Opening an album with a five-minute instrumental is as punk as punk could be, and Unsteady’s genre-blending and musically proficient sound managed to stick out whilst not taking control of the world. Pity. As of press time, the band is at 396 monthly Spotify listeners, so we hope that you all infect its stream count page and make it the number 401 by the end of next month.
Bob is a stand-up guy. He is a successful lawyer, who runs his law blog in peace, and his only sin on this Earth is running up accounts receivable for the Bluths who, let’s face it, deserve every bit of legal extortion they encounter in the show. Barry does the same with his billable hours, but at least with Bob, there’s no danger of him joining QAnon.
Annyong spent years working as a mole for the SEC to fulfill a lifelong grudge his grandfather held against the Bluths, due to his competing banana stand being shut down and him eventually being deported back to Korea. Crazy American conspiracies hold no sway over Annyong. They wouldn’t accept him at a QAnon meeting anyway.
Michael Bluth, through some genetic abnormality or otherwise, has remained completely immune to the pitfalls that doom his immediate family. With a head screwed on straight, a surprisingly rare tether to reality, and a shrewd level of business acumen, QAnon will never breach Michael’s sense of reality.
George Michael was raised well by his father, similarly not falling into the same traps of his relatives. His internal metronome being so strong somehow renders him immune to any and all forms of propaganda. Wild lies around adrenochrome harvesting are deflected by George Michael’s inbuilt FakeBlock.
Despite her vertigo in the earlier seasons, and multiple disappearances through the years, Lucille Austero is steadfast in her beliefs. She is a bleeding-heart liberal, opposing the Bluth’s populist ideals, while still helping them in their times of financial hardship. She did originally stand for the Democrats, before her unfortunate disappearance on Cinco de Cuatro, ending her campaign.
Lupe is too overworked to pay attention to QAnon conspiracies. Lucille works her to the bone, and her constant firing and rehiring ensures that she never gets a chance to rest. The most she knows about QAnon is something that Buster muttered in his sleep once.
Marta is one of the few people in the show who has common sense, choosing to abandon the whole Bluth family once she realizes how childish the men are. She lives her life as a famous telenovela actress, and raises her children without paying any mind to whatever QAnon is or believes in.
Maggie Lizer’s trials and tribulations throughout her time with the Bluths have stopped her from joining QAnon, or taking them seriously. The most she would do is pretend to have been injured at the January 6th insurrection to garner sympathy at a meeting.
Ann’s mother is a relatively well-acclimatized Christian liberal. She went along with her husband to one QAnon meeting, and almost filed for divorce immediately after. Local baristas avoid her, since she tells this ten-minute-long story to anyone who will listen.
Sally is a sensible person with a strong business acumen. Like Lucille Austero, she is also a steadfast liberal, even taking over her Democrat campaign after her mysterious disappearance. Some say QAnon members in Orange County even have her on a list…
Wayne is a hard worker, and the most consummate of all professionals within the law profession, aside from Bob Loblaw. However, his dedication to the PATRIOT Act, and playing both sides of the Bluth prosecution lends him the most proclivity to QAnon of all the lawyers in “Arrested Development.”
Julia Adelaide is shown to love men when they are in a coma, not saying anything, and loathe them as soon as they say a single word to her. QAnon, with perhaps the loudest group of men on the continent, would be completely unappealing to her. She would think that they were all pussies, of the American description.
Carl Weathers met someone in an airport shuttle talking about how much money they were bringing to their QAnon meeting, and successfully converted them to a similarly predatory, but less politically problematic course of action: his acting classes. “These situations are exactly why you take airport shuttles,” was a piece of his sage advice.
Rebel is a good-natured woman, whose knowledge of QAnon is vast, but only for a role she played in an Imagine Productions mockumentary surrounding January 6th. She tried method-acting for the first time, earning plaudits for her performance, but also making her realize how she could never be a part of the movement.
John Beard is a simple man. The only time he ever paid any attention to QAnon was when, on an attachment to Washington DC, he had to report on what the January 6th insurrection “would mean for your weekend,” which he reported as being “not good.” Still better than most Fox News anchors.
George Bluth Sr. is a man who, through having to support his family and making his own company, has a similar sense of reality that Michael does. However, his time in prison seems to have rid George of this, making him more susceptible to QAnon, especially if they have ice cream sandwiches.
Mort Meyers’ aversion to QAnon is not based on any personality traits of his. His constant hitting on Maeby, despite him being married, makes him feel targeted when they start talking about predators running the world. He’s a philanderous weirdo with no chance of ingratiating himself into QAnon.
Warden Gentles, despite being a prison warden, is extremely attuned to the ways of the world, writing a screenplay on life in prison (even if it was only performed by children.) He recommends long documentaries on QAnon, and would never join them.
Ice is a jack of all trades: an excellent bounty hunter, going as far as Mexico in pursuit of his targets, and a similarly capable party planner, able to put on a showstopper of a celebration for a reasonable budget. QAnon is not one of those feathers in his cap.
Cindi is dedicated to two things in life: her job in the federal government as an undercover agent, and George Bluth Sr. She would follow George to many places, but the one place she would stray is QAnon. She loves “Caged Wisdom” too much to ever join QAnon.
Dr. Fishman once stumbled across a poster for QAnon on his way to work, but didn’t understand what the Q meant, so he threw the poster in the trash. On a date later that day, he talked about tearing down QAnon, and managed to coast off of that misunderstanding for three months.
You might think that Steve Holt, being a typical jock who peaked in high school, and is now slightly balding and overweight would be the main target for QAnon. With his father being absent from his life, and his experience on the S.A.D. program, but Steve Holt is a loyal progressive who abhors QAnon.
Stan Sitwell is a shrewd businessman, repeatedly besting the Bluths at their own game, including in his resistance to QAnon. If he were to go to a QAnon meeting, he would likely be laughed out due to his complete hairlessness. The QAnon devotees wouldn’t even know what alopecia was!
As the resident “consultant” for the Bluth Company, Nellie Bluth knows what she wants, and exactly how to get it. QAnon’s vitriol towards sex workers and powerful women means that she knows that it isn’t for her, even occasionally going out of the way to report QAnon content she sees online.
Tony Wonder is a magician, and his ability to bend reality would be scary to anyone in the QAnon movement. He went to a Q rally to try and sell his DVDs, but his W-shaped goatee and hand gesture seemed to be misconstrued by the attendees, causing him to lose his other testicle.
Ann is a long-suffering Christian woman, too bland in her younger years, and too unlucky with men in her older years. Once being so banal as to be forgotten in Mexico, Ann has little chance of joining and being accepted into QAnon. If she went to a meeting, she’d probably be there for three days until someone comes and switches the light back on.
Marky Bark was Lindsay’s activist boyfriend, a profession which stands against the whole idea of QAnon. However, Marky Bark also has a crippling case of face-blindness, meaning that there is a solid chance he stumbles into a QAnon meeting, attempting to follow a Newport Beach socialite he thought to be Lindsay.
