LAKE PLACID, N.Y. — Sexually curious man Alex Poe was forced to memorize three pages of acronyms before diving into a new kink, sources who thought a once-over of the terms could be enough confirmed.
“What in the ever-loving fuck do all these letters mean?” asked the aspiring sexual deviant. “I downloaded Feeld and immediately my buddy emailed me a PDF with a massive glossary of lingo that no one could ever possibly use. Honestly reading some of these definitions is kind of putting me off the whole thing. I keep getting messages about DDlg, JOI, CNC, NSA, TBWYJDNAEIAR, and a bunch of other shit. I haven’t had to learn so much alphabet soup since I was an artillery officer. On top of that, they have very confusing emojis for sexting too. Starting to think I should just stick to missionary and call it a day.”
Established members of the kink community welcomed Poe with open arms and an open book of terms.
“It’s very important they know this before the initiation pop quiz,” explained Poe’s new kink-enthusiast friend and potential regrettable hookup Jamie Yotz. “When I heard about Alex getting into kink I immediately started compiling a list of terms. It took me 14 hours of straight work, but I finally got them all together. Now Alex will never confuse kitchen table poly with ENM, boy would that be embarrassing. In addition to that glossary I’m also designing an app that’ll help you tell if someone’s dating profile is soliciting money or not. Mostly they are.”
The difficulty of understanding the kink community is largely viewed as a feature rather than a bug.
“Acronym overload is sexy,” said kink expert and total weirdo Tomatillo Phillips. “We want people coming into the lifestyle completely befuddled at every communication they have. If a new kinkster understands what they’re getting into then we’re doing our job wrong. We need at least a hundred terms for ‘I fuck anything’ that all mean something inconsequentially different. If sex isn’t a baffling ordeal then it shouldn’t happen.”
At press time, Poe was unwittingly going on a date among his new kink community that turned out to be with three dozen people, a horse, and a 10-pound bag of russet potatoes.