SACRAMENTO, Calif. — DJ Crockroach of famed metal act Assfault Muffinz admitted that he spends most of his time on-stage at the band’s gigs listening to more sophisticated music, sources within the band’s crew reported.
“Ever since noise canceling headphones got really good, I spend our gigs listening to free jazz and ‘70s prog, which is a huge improvement over our dogshit songs,” confessed Crockroach, who only hasn’t quit because the band sells out every venue due to either nostalgia or irony. “You can only hear my scratching in like two songs anyway, and everyone wants it to sound identical to the album. So, I just trigger a sample and mime scratching. Then it’s right back to Ornette Coleman and Gentle Giant.”
Fans felt conflicted upon learning about DJ Crockroach’s half-hearted commitment to Assfault Muffinz’ live performances.
“I’ve been a fan a Muffinhead since I was eleven, and DJ Crockroach is my favorite member. At least, he was until I found out he doesn’t do jack shit anymore,” said Cory Strully, who like many young fans adored DJ Crockroach for his collection of humorous letterman jackets. “Now that I think about it, I can’t recall many moments musically where he does anything except scratching in a few song outros. But he’s DJ Crockroach! Without him, they’re all just a crappy alt-metal band.”
Nu metal DJs have lately been increasingly candid about their willingness to phone in their roles.
“When people see Incubus live, they expect to see turntables and mixers and computers on stage; people are bummed if I’m not up there!” said DJ Kilmore of the long-running California act. “I started a vinyl collecting club with all the other nu metal DJs, and we all mostly listen to the picks on stage. Tonight, I’ll be enjoying Captain Beefheart’s ‘Trout Mask Replica’ then some Dischord Records seven-inch discs during the encore. Don’t worry, I won’t miss my break in ‘Pardon Me.’”
At press time, cell phone video captured Limp Bizkit’s DJ Lethal filing his TurboTax return during a recent gig.