Congratulations on the newest addition to your family! As a new father, you face a classic dilemma: you want to spend time with your child but also watch the ‘Saw’ films at the same time. Why not both? Get those Doritos bags off the couch and make room for the newest audience member. Let your little one settle down in their diaper and forget about the stigma of introducing your child to the ‘Saw’ franchise. Each film is brimming with life lessons. Plus, you’re not going to let a baby ruin your October tradition! Here’s a guide to the ‘Saw’ films for helping your child navigate the new world around them. Next thing you know, they’ll want a little trike just like Billy the Puppet. Way to go, new papa! Let’s play a game.
‘Saw III’ (2006)
It’s good to get the goriest film out of the way first. To quote Sheryl Sandberg, “Lean in.” Exactly the same can be said when it comes to showing your child the ‘Saw’ films. The classroom trap at the start of the film is a good primer for the education system, allowing a familiarity with teaching environments, not to mention blood-stained warehouses. Practice gentle parenting and encourage your young one to suppress their vomit during the pig vat trap. Make sure they’re watching the limb-rotating rack trap, closely and perhaps slowed down. Major characters die in this installment, which is fantastic for communicating the fleeting nature of life.
‘Spiral’ (2021)
The ninth installment was apparently pitched by Chris Rock at a wedding, which is valuable in teaching your child to recognize opportunities. You’ve been to multiple play-dates with other parents and consistently suggest putting on a ‘Saw’ film, despite no one taking you up on the offer. Most conversations with your child’s pediatrician turn to ‘Saw’, asking about specific injuries or hypothetical scenarios. Hey, if people didn’t want to talk about ‘Saw’ movies, they shouldn’t make these movies so damn appealing! The wax trap is a good lesson for demonstrating the danger of candles, while the tongue trap is a tutorial in not lying. Sort of like when you say that you’re putting on ‘Cocomelon,’ but it’s actually just another ‘Saw’ film.
‘Saw 3D’ (2010)
Does your neighbor’s kid know how to cauterize their wound on a steampipe? Fuck no, they don’t. But yours does! Cary Elwes rocked that impromptu solution in the seventh installment. You tried to high-five your kid, now sitting in the corner, horrified. The silence circle trap is good for teaching your kid “indoor voices,” especially when they begin to shout about not wanting to watch anymore ‘Saw’ movies. Sure, the 3D glasses don’t exactly fit your child, but you improvise by wheeling the screen closer to their face. You went all in on 3D technology, buying multiple 3D Blu-Ray players back in the early 2010s, which your kid will one day inherit for when he wants to watch ‘Saw 3D’ “the right way.”
‘Jigsaw’ (2017)
Why take a vacation to the country when you have a ‘Saw’ film set in a barn? Introduce your child to the cottage-core ‘Saw’ entry, complete with charming hay and wood aesthetics. By focusing largely on copycat killers, you communicate that “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” The final trap, the laser collar, is superb for demonstrating the dangers of lasers, a subject ‘Paw Patrol’ completely ignores. You remember staring directly into a laser for twenty-five minutes once, just to see what happens, mostly distracted thinking about how freakin’ awesome ‘Saw’ was. This might explain the blank or white splotches crowding the screen, which you ignore because you’re babysitting and too busy knocking back Rolling Rocks.
‘Saw V’ (2008)
A compliment must be paid to the ‘Saw’ franchise when it comes to planning ahead. John Kramer is able to execute plans long after his death; it just goes to show that tackling your life’s work early will help in the long run. The crooked cops are a textbook example of not trusting strangers, while the opening swinging pendulum violently severing a man can serve as an intro to Edgar Allen Poe. Your kid didn’t love the body-squishing walls but you can’t blame them, the franchise gets confusing and the real estate corruption commentary honestly went over your head too. Try to use visual cues while explaining the convoluted plot, perhaps with the Montessori toys you always step on. Using stuffed animals (a purple bull for Hoffman, a penguin pillow for Amanda) to represent each of the canonical ‘Saw’ characters is a great way to foster creative play and encourage lifelong criminal friendships.
‘Saw IV’ (2007)
Everyone always talks about 2007 as a classic movie year. ‘No Country For Old Men,’ ‘There Will Be Blood,’ ‘Zodiac,’ boring bullshit like that. For you, it’s about ‘Saw IV’, with the infamous scalping seat trap. Top of the list. Your child will have absolutely no interest at this point, crying constantly, loudly. The neighbors are concerned, peeping through the blinders, making courtesy calls. There have been complaints of you shouting through a megaphone “Live or die, the choice is yours!” to Amazon drivers. Was the autopsy scene perhaps too much to show? How else is your child going to learn about biology? John Kramer teaches us to “cherish our life,” which is why you spend time constantly rewatching the ‘Saw’ films. There are profound, Buddhist-level teachings in forcing your child to watch Donnie Wahlberg hang by the neck above a melting block of ice.
‘Saw II’ (2005)
You assure your child that it’s all almost over, and that it’s ‘Toy Story’ next, knowing you have a few more ‘Saw’ films to get through. This kid will either completely avoid the series or become overwhelmingly engrossed in these movies for the rest of their life, thanks to the severe trauma brewing. Make it fun: stir imagination by leaving fun clues around the house, just like Jigsaw. Encourage conversation: your kid will run into pre-school one day bursting with excitement to talk about the man burned alive in Jigsaw’s trap. After the infamous syringe pit scene, your child may be deterred from ball pits for life, a benefit when one considers the sheer amount of germs mingling in there. The razor box trap teaches not to poke hands into dangerous openings, like electrical sockets or hornet nests (a consistent mistake you still haven’t learned from).
‘Saw VI’ (2009)
Wake your child up for the ‘Saw’ film that tackles the health insurance industry! You’ve been unemployed for a few years now due to belligerence, tardiness and lunch beers. As you are largely relying on your partner’s health insurance, you enjoy pointing out to your child how much the insurance company is “ripping you a new one.” Feel free to clutch the many envelopes of “overdue bills” on the floor under the mailslot. Your child may be familiar with this film: you played the shotgun carousel scene to them on the iPad during their first ride home from the hospital, as a rite of passage and welcome into existence. Truly, it’s never too early for your child to be introduced to the acid room trap. Watching the lower half of a man boil and bubble away as it falls off his frame is a core bonding memory you want to form with your child.
‘Saw’ (2004)
The film that started it all. James Wan and Leigh Whannell’s masterful vision, made for children everywhere. You can barely finish a scene without explaining how significant this was to you. The introduction to the ‘reverse beartrap’, Danny Glover, the bathroom setting, meeting Billy the Puppet… it’s easy to get lost among the fond memories and nostalgic times. Your child plays with their Baby Einstein toy and looks at you oddly as you weep, overwhelmed by the disheveled joy this brings you. The ultimate twist of the film, with Jigsaw in the room the entire time, teaches the significance of committing to a bit, no matter the stakes. Afterall, this could explain how you became a father in the first place. You wonder where your partner has been. They said they went out to buy a pack of cigarettes three days ago, during which you’ve watched the entire ‘Saw’ franchise 4 times while looking after this toddler, wherever they went.
‘Saw X’ (2023)
John Kramer tackles medical fraud and con artists in the best entry of the series, a movie so good you saw it eleven times. Sure, you forgot to pick up groceries now and then, but you had a solid excuse: your time and money went to ‘Saw X’. Seriously, where did that kid go? Oh well. You throw some Flintstones Vitamins on the floor, hoping your kid will come out of hiding. Kids still love Flintstones Vitamins, right? Anyway there’s supposed to be some dumb government department person coming by later, someone or other, you didn’t really pay attention over the phone. Something about “child protective services” or whatever. It’s super boring being stuck at home with the kid, waiting for this lousy visit. Who cares?! Hey, maybe that government dude coming by will be a ‘Saw’ fan too! Don’t worry about finding your kid, they’ll turn up eventually. Just turn your speakers to the window and crank up those ‘Saw’ films so your caseworker knows what an excellent father you are.
Let’s start at the beginning with a sad truth regarding ardent and deliberate movement towards a veiny yet healthy neck: There is a reason why The Spill Canvas’ debut studio album isn’t on Spotify or Apple Music, and it isn’t because said LP is too good for such inclusion. The Spill Canvas formed as a solo acoustic act in 2001, and released “Go for the Jugular” just one short year later, but it didn’t attack attack too many in or outside of the bear laden jungle, and if we could write this in Joe Exotic’s blood, the night will truly go as follows so on and so forth. Sigh of sighs; we’re literally watering down now. Still, this LP debuted the title track from its follow-up record that likely brought you to this piece, “Sunsets and Car Crashes,” so it ain’t ALL that bad.
The Spill Canvas signed with Pure Noise Records, the hot hot hot label that brought you The Story So Far, State Champs, Action/Adventure, and Mariah “Hardcore Like Henry Rollins” Carey, and released their first LP in nine years, “Conduit”. Was it worth the wait? We’ll tell you: yes. But this LP left a tad tad tad more to be desired, considering how incredible the next five to be mentioned are. Features from notable acts are cool, as Sherri DuPree Bemis of Eisley can sing better than most, and Nathan Hussey of All Get Out rocks harder than gallons of calendars, so “Conduit” is worth your attention for these two rockers’ inclusions, and the other eight songs that will please even the least miscreant of you trolls reading.
The Spill Canvas’ fifth album “Formalities” is not only in the fifth album slot here, which is not a coincidence unless it is, but said LP is also the act’s last major label release. However, the band sure went out with a bang in 2010, which was an underrated year for rock and roll with notable yet underappreciated releases from TSC peers like Jimmy Eat World’s “Invented,” My Chemical Romance’s “Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys,” Weezer’s “Hurley,” and Rick Ross’ “Teflon Don”; bad graces, good influence. 2010 was also a solid touring year for The Spill Canvas as well, as they hit the road that summer with alternative icons Goo Goo Dolls, Christian rock but not Christian rock but Christian rockers Switchfoot, a band you likely never heard of but possibly have called Paper Lions, and American Idol, err, idol, Fantasia Barrino.
“Gestalt” is unhappily the one that got away: The Spill Canvas’ first post-major label release, “Gestalt,” which includes a top ten TSC song known as “Chemicals,” should’ve been switched order wise with “Formalities,” and the band may have still been on a major label today. Internal or external sabotage? We’ll never know, as this easily the band’s most superior LP from 2012, infinity, and beyond; we’re very much so firm believers in this record, which could’ve had far more parallels with non-Warped Tour peers in its vicinity, making more money for all involved in its creation, utilization, medication, and fornication. Still, we have no justification but that poo poo face Kathleen’s involvement in “Gestalt” being the catalyst for a way too delayed subsequent release. Our meds must need a pharmaceutical update, so we’ll throw our current batch off a cliff via a hotter than hot and rodder than rod circuit.
The Spill Canvas’ fantastic sophomore studio LP, and debut full-length album for One Eleven Records, an indie label with a distribution deal via Warner Bros. Records, then-home to The Reign of Kindo, Rory, Foreverinmotion, and 5 Seconds of Summer, should be number one below, right? Let us know your misguided mantras 3658 times in the comments, even though you caterpillars know that you will never turn into butterflies. Furthermore, we bet Nick Thomas and Landon Hell, Bryce Job, Evan Pharmaklis, and Andrea Bocelli, all respectfully agree with our sterling take, and disagree with your evil souls, that while “Sunsets & Car Crashes” set the stage for the rest of TSC’s career, the next two LPs are just better in terms of production, lyrics, melodies and caloric content.
As you likely know, but admittedly, sincerely, and truthfully you should be more than extremely, financially, and rectally aware of, especially now in the tricky SJW virtue signaling scary as sin year of our lord known as 2023, and certainly the year of TRL FOB MCR A7X Sean Lennon Warped Tour called 2005: Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore, so by such magical mantra and so much more, there are no “skip it” tracks for this one (fell swoop), and the winning entry below, “No Really, I’m Fine,” which was their major label debut; sincerely, “One Fell Swoop” should’ve been bigger than any Ne-Yo LP. Fans in the US of A certainly noticed this one, as it debuted at number twenty-nine on Billboard’s Top Heatseekers and at an incredible number forty-seven via the Top Independent Albums. In closing, “Lust A Prima Vista” is the band’s best song. One. Bold. Opinion.
Here’s a catchy as COVID-19 right this very moment lullaby during the violent and bright red battle of your regularly scheduled work day that will cause you and everyone you know to bleed all over yourselves, staining your white Minor Threat crew neck: Yeah, this one is a looker, but we really think it’s guts that matter most, so “No Really, I’m Fine,” The Spill Canvas’ fourth full-length LP, is clearly the gold medal winner here. This effort is also the band’s first album to debut on the actual Billboard 200 at 143, but we will go down swinging in any battle, war, BJJ fight, or Mario Kart 8 Deluxe 8 Game on Nintendo Switch saying that it should’ve at the very least done such in the not so thrilling but slightly more notable #142 position. (The) Truth: Saved, so hush hush.
Given Cotton’s traditional-to-the-point-of-being offensive outlook on most things, chances are he would be appalled by goth culture if he even had the chance to see it. We’d be surprised if there wasn’t a cut episode of “King of the Hill” in which Cotton throws his entire body through the window of a Hot Topic before berating the cashier over their use of eyeliner.
It goes without saying that Bug has hidden a lot of things from the people closest to him. We don’t think a gothic lifestyle is one of them, however. In fact, we can’t be sure his rodeo show hasn’t included at least one Depeche Mode routine, and he performs that shit in front of hundreds daily. If you asked him if he had a goth phase in his youth, he’d probably respond with some flippant claim that he invented the entire subculture.
A lot of people think that Clark Peters has a ponytail, but it’s actually a pinned back Devil Lock. He died it blonde because unlike conventional goths, Clark likes to pave his own path. Many academic journals point to Clark Peter’s role on the show as a turning point in the quest to dispel many inaccurate goth stereotypes. Yes, he is a goth. Yes, he likes to burn things. No, he is not some sheep that will bow down to traditional aesthetics for the sake of conformity. We’re getting off the rails here, but the point is, Clark Peters’ goth phase isn’t closeted, it’s revolutionary.
Gilbert is basically already a goth, save for his garish suits. He lives in an old-ass and literally gothic house, hides in darkly lit rooms while chain smoking and always has some morose commentary about everything he sees. The only thing he’s hiding is judgment over your outfit and life choices, we imagine.
Did you know that Boomhauer regularly talks about his love of industrial rock legends Nine Inch Nails throughout the entirety of the series? Most overlook this because of his unintelligible speaking voice. Were you also aware that the black tee shirt he regularly wears is an homage to his gothic past. Boomhauer, though often misunderstood, holds no shame about this aspect of his personality and wears his black heart on his sleeve.
Look, we’re not saying Lucky never had a goth phase, but there’s no way he’d be bashful about it if he did. If My Chemical Romance were around in his youth, you bet your ass he’d proudly dress head to toe in black and sulk around the box office the day tickets went on sale for one of their shows.
Much like her son, Gilbert, Bill’s aunt Esme is a total weirdo with an absolute aura of goth fuckery. Though she carries herself with an air that would never stoop so low as to call it a full-on phase, most would agree that being a spooky old widow in a giant old house with a coven of other widows is every goth’s dream. It’s just too on the nose to rank her higher.
The only reason Kleehammer isn’t dead last is due to the fact that no one knows his first name, which is admittedly pretty goth. His angered attitude might suggest a secret life begging to be seen and acknowledged, but his proclivity to athletics makes that hidden characteristic highly unlikely to be gothic in nature.
Joe Jack is a functioning alcoholic divorcee. With no questions asked, he dressed as a baby for the short-lived Propaniacs and seemingly had no regrets about making a fool of himself in the process. He’s definitely considered the goth path at least once, honey, but there’s no way he’d try to hide it.
While ‘Pops’ does a phenomenal job of reminding the middle-aged characters of their own mortality and impending deaths, there’s nothing about him that really screams ‘secret goth.’ While alive, he spent the majority of his time complaining about his neighbor’s punk band, so he’s a narc to boot.
We’re not sure what kind of personality GH would possess, having only just met him a handful of years before the show ended. It’s possible he grew into a post-wave dark-arts loving adult, but we just can’t be certain how hidden this attribute would be if true.
Buddha Sack is just a little too outgoing to be a goth. It’s simply not conceivable that he would be found in such a subdued subculture even in secret. Perhaps he would give it a shot to gather more material for his stand-up sets, but one would assume his jovial spirit would blow his cover sooner than later.
Peggy will try anything once. She also doesn’t make it a secret when she attempts anything. If Peggy ever has a goth phase, which is pretty likely, she’ll likely be writing about a thousand musings a day about it. Our personal favorite: “They say the Sun is not God, but his Noblest image, which is why I, Peggy Hill, a Goth, stay far, far away from it.”
It’s not likely you’ll catch Topsy sobbing to Joy Division and then blaming his red eyes on allergies, but he does like to freak people out with that weird thing he does with his cheeks. That’s at least goth adjacent, so we’ll rank him a bit higher here.
Leanne once stabbed her husband with a fork, so points there. Still, her brief love affair with Bill was cut short due to her disgust with his toe fungus. A legitimate goth would probably be fascinated with that and maybe even try to use his foot dirt for spells or some shit. Pass.
First of all, Octavio is the most Elder Goth name we’ve ever heard in our lives. Judging by his large Rob Zombie tattoo, there’s no doubt this guy isn’t at least a rivethead. Still, in an effort to flirt with Luanne, he once tried to pretend that the aforementioned tattoo is a likeness of Jesus. We’re pretty sure that would immediately catch a real goth on fire, or at the very least get them excommunicated from the community.
The MF allegedly stands for ‘my friend,’ which isn’t very outwardly goth in our book. Still, Thatherton is a fucking snake who will play whatever role is necessary to keep himself in the black. We could absolutely see him pretending to be a goth in an effort to sell propane to Elysium or any other Texas EDM club.
Buckley has a lot of the trappings of your typical goth persona. He’s shy, rides a moped, wears the same shirt every day, and barely utters more than one word at a time. Still, he came back as an angel after his death in one episode, and not even a horrifying biblically accurate one, so he’s nearly out of the running here.
There’s a lot we don’t know about Boomhauer’s long-lost brother Patch other than the fact that he has poor impulse control and is easily tricked. If he had a goth phase, we’d likely have no way of knowing about it, but given his general secrecy, we can’t rule it out.
Lane Pratley once pretended to be a devout Christian to get into Luanne’s pool-side Bible Study with the hopes of wooing her, so we’re pretty sure he’s donned eyeliner and bought a Siouxie and the Banshees record for similar reasons.
If John Redcorn’s fictional band, Big Mountain Fudgecake, existed in the real world, you can be almost certain that they would be opening for, and soon headlining the next Ghost tour. While Redcorn is no stranger to keeping aspects of his life hidden, he is less than withholding about his goth proclivity.
