Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week To Make The Algorithm Forget Our Top Artist This Year Was Jellyroll For Some Reason

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week has passed you by. Maybe you’ve spent it avoiding family members after ‘ruining Thanksgiving.’ Perhaps you’ve decided to concentrate your efforts into cramming all of your holiday shopping into one stress-inducing, insomnia-triggering week of extended Cyber Monday sales. One thing’s for sure though. You haven’t even begun to think about listening to new music. We’re here to change that by offering you six of the hottest new punk, indie, and emo tracks this capitalist hellscape has to offer. Enjoy!

The Men ‘Pony’

New York City garage-punk mainstays, the Men, announced a new album, ‘Buyer Beware,’ due out early next year. The announcement comes with the release of a new single, ‘Pony,’ which is unfortunately not a cover of the Ginuwine hit of the same name. It is, however, a full-throttle, dirt-ridden, certified ripper that wastes absolutely no time getting barreling straight into your throat.

Plastic Bitch ‘Paper Dolls’

Philadelphia’s Plastic Bitch is allegedly the only band in their locality in which every member has a 68” wingspan. That alone would be an impressive asset, but the music the trio is able to craft with those rather long arms vastly sweetens the pot. Their debut single, ‘Paper Dolls,’ jam-packed with dreamy harmonies, jangly as hell guitars, and a frenetic backbeat that threatens to detonate the whole track, is a monumental introduction if we’ve ever heard one.

Hot Mods ‘Nom Nom Nom’/‘Cat Burglar’

Hot Mods, the new collaborative project formed from UK acts Sleaford Mods and Hot Chip, have not only announced their newfound existence but also a new limited 7” single due out later this month. If you didn’t manage to get a pre-order in before it sold out, don’t worry. Both tracks, ‘Nom Nom Nom’ and ‘Car Burglar’ are streaming now. Supposedly written and recorded in a single session, the immediacy mixed with the clashing of both bands’ styles makes for a worthy spin.

Thursday ‘White Bikes’

In case your saddest yet most terrifying friend didn’t tell you, the Thursday renaissance is continuing unabated. Their latest track, ‘White Bikes,’ marks their second single since breaking a 13-year silence back in April. The release also coincides with the band’s 25th anniversary, which is a feat in and of itself. Dubbed as a ‘holiday gift’ from the band, the track is nostalgic, emotional, and filled to the brim with Thursday’s massive signature builds.

Anxious ‘Head & Spine’

Connecticut emo outfit, Anxious, will be releasing their highly anticipated album, ‘Bambi,’ in just a few short months. This week, we got a taste of what’s to come with the massive ‘Head & Spine.’ With an absolute monster of a backbeat layered with what we assume are about a thousand fuzzed out guitars, the track will send you straight back to the early aughts but without all the awkwardness you experienced during that time.

Help! I Went Back in Time and Murdered Baby Hitler, and Now Everybody’s Comparing Trump to Don Rickles Instead

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

It’s an age-old question—if you had a time machine, would you go back in time and kill baby Hitler? To me, it was always a no brainer. You get to stop Hitler AND kill a baby guilt-free? Sign me up! So once I completed my time machine and fired up the flux capacitor, that was the first thing I did. Unfortunately, it turns out that tampering with the fabric of reality is a lot more complicated than I thought.

I opened a wormhole, arrived naked (like in The Terminator) in 1889 Austria, and smashed that little fucker’s head in with a shovel without thinking twice. Not gonna lie, it was satisfying as hell, but now that I’ve had time to process what I’ve done, I see the true consequences of my actions. With no baby Hitler, and by extension, no grown-up Hitler, everybody’s saying that Trump is the next Don Rickles, the insult-master-turned-dictator who apparently rose to power in Hitler’s place.

Don Rickles, the beloved insult comic, quickly took over the world with his abrasive yet well-received sense of humor; he was loud, rude, and often made unprompted jokes about “The Blacks” that would even make Anthony Jeselnik blush. And don’t even get me started on his bit on “the gays” in public restrooms. Little did we know that his sharp tongue would eventually go on to influence national policy irreparably.

What started as a series of fat jokes quickly spiraled into long-winded rants about “building a wall” that was warmly received with a standing ovation at the annual U.N. Roast. Next thing you know, cattle cars started whipping across the continental U.S. for the “grand extermination” that we all thought was an elaborate bit at first. It didn’t take long for every American to find themselves standing in mile-long lines with bread vouchers while their youngest child was dying of the Rickets, which have been renamed “the Rickles.”

Instead of enthralling the masses with a quick Sieg Heil, now all Trump needs is a hot mic, a rimshot, and a casual admission of anti-semitism for the people in the back. Rickles ran so Trump could sprint. My god, what have I done?

We all laughed with Don Rickles when he was just another guy trying to be edgy on national television. On the living Hitler timeline, Rickles was bold and brash, but that was part of his charm. We all knew it was part of his shtick, so we let him get away with it. Without the fuhrer in the mix, however, I now know that we shouldn’t have. For my grave miscalculation, Donald Trump is now being referred to as “The Next Mr. Warm” by his cohorts with an affectionate sense of irony despite his countless crimes against humanity.

Say what you will about how big and bad Hitler was, he still couldn’t get away with insulting Sinatra.

The ‘ole Trump/Hitler comparison had legs when we still had it in our back pocket, but it’s no longer an option since I bashed in the baby fuhrer’s ribcage and buried him in a shallow, unmarked grave.

Without Hitler, our perception of evil has been forever altered. Turns out, if you eliminate one edgelord with a shitty comb-over, history will just replace him with another who’s primed for world domination so long as his audience is too afraid to stop laughing.

Bald Man Having Bad Skull Day

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

ABERDEEN, Wash. — Local bald man Louis Grayson woke up in disarray after it was clear he was having another bad skull day, confirmed sources who tried not to look directly at his scalp during conversation with him.

“I took a shower, blow-dried my skull, used some gel and hairspray, but nothing could hide the fact that my cranium looks like I just came off of a rollercoaster,” said Grayson while checking his appearance in a nearby store window. “Children are crying at the mere sight of me, old ladies are crossing the street the minute they notice it, and my friends refuse to be seen with me in public. No one ever talks about the pitfalls of male pattern baldness. We can’t all be Jason Statham, The Rock, or even Mr. Clean who wake up with perfectly precise noggins. Some of us are Lord Voldemorts with skull shapes that do the opposite of what we want that day. I don’t think I will ever visually recover from this.”

Friends of Grayson were sympathetic to his unfortunate circumstance.

“I totally get it. I have a bad ponytail day on a nearly weekly basis, at least that’s why I seemingly repel all women,” said Craig Benvers. “He kept blaming it on a cowlick, as if that made any sense. Then he said his barber messed up the head shave. This man is blaming everything but his own genetics. He needs to come to terms with the fact that he cannot leave the house on days like today. Bald men must not subject the general public to their gnarly heads.”

Experts had a few ideas to alleviate Grayson’s head issues.

“There are surprisingly some things a man can do if he’s having a bad skull day,” said stylist Joel Kramer. “For one, you can wear a wig. Sure, everyone will be able to tell, but bald men need to hide as much of their heads as humanly possible. When all else fails, we recommend the use of a fedora. No one will be focusing on your visibly unappealing hairless skull. They’ll be way more preoccupied with the fact that you look like an asshole, which is actually preferable to an objectively hideous cranium.”

At press time, Grayson was able to fix the issue by wearing a bald cap over his bald head.

How I Made My First Million Simply by Bringing My Own Coffee and Exploiting My Workers

Posted on by Doug Kolic

It can take years of blood, sweat, and tears before a small business owner can start turning a profit. That’s why I came up with a few easy money hacks that can help anyone in the same boat trying to make their first million.

First, ditch the over-priced daily lattes. It’s a cliche, but trust me it works. You can save a ton of cash simply by bringing your own java to work. If that’s too much hassle, you can do what I do and strongly suggest to one of your more easily manipulated employees that buying a coffee for their boss is a great career move. Use your position of authority to your advantage. How do you think Mark Cuban got to where he is today?

Another great way to earn your first mill is to lean into unpaid overtime. Everyone knows the average worker spends most of their day dicking around, so making them work a few extra hours each day is a no brainer. They might complain about it behind your back, but to your face they’ll respect you, mainly because you know they need the job to pay for their kid’s expensive ear surgery. I’m looking at you Keith.

Driving around in a fancy new car can make you feel like a straight-up gangster, but the high cost of upkeep will make you want to blow your friggin’ brains out. Instead, it’ll be much more cost-effective to take an Uber for the few days you actually decide to show up to the office when you’re not golfing, especially with the money you save after you pull your staff’s dental benefits. There’s already fluoride in the tap water, and that’s totally free.

It’s important to be diligent and always look out for the bottom line. Eat in as often as you can, and when you get too lazy to bring in a lunch, just root through the office fridge and take whatever the hell you want because you’re da boss. The environment of fear that you’ve created will ensure nobody says a damn thing about it. Capish?

In the end, smart money hacks will save you more money than you’ll ever realize. And slashing your staff’s pension will do wonders for your kids’ future inheritance. Also, buy in bulk. No business owner worth their salt doesn’t have a Costco membership. That’s just Business 101.

Guy at Black Metal Show Does Quick Google Search To Make Sure Band Aren’t Nazis Before Heading to Merch Table

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ELGIN, Ill. – Local metalhead and black metal show attendee Derek Straub found himself conducting a quick Google search of band Vindfull Skog before walking to their merch table to purchase a shirt, eyewitness sources reported.

“There’s a bunch of bands playing today, so I don’t really know anything about these guys,” Straub offered. “I’m really enjoying their sound, though. They kind of remind me of old Darkthrone, but with a lot of really cool arpeggios that sound like Ulver’s ‘Nattens Madrigal’ album. But when I glanced at their merch, I instinctively took out my phone to Google ‘Vindfull Skog Nazis’ before heading over there. Trust me, if you’re at all into black metal, you know how problematic the genre is on the whole, which is surprising given it’s largely comprised of Tolkien-worshiping geeks. This is a necessary precaution.”

Band manager Sverre Tveirtag noticed Straub from across the venue.

“I saw this guy appearing to enjoy the band before looking over in my direction. Then he took out his phone and I knew exactly what he was doing,” Tveirtag said. “When you’ve been involved in black metal as long as I have, it becomes second nature to double-check whether a band is problematic before buying their merch. I still cringe when I remember the time I put on an old Burzum shirt without thinking before heading to a party. Luckily, I’ve also done my research on Vindfull Skog, and they’re fine. I learned my lesson from my brief stint managing Peste Noire.”

Music Merchandiser Carol Irwin provided insight into the situation.

“I can personally attest to the negative effect that sketchy behavior exhibited by so many black metal artists has on merch sales,” Irwin noted. “I have access to figures that show a direct negative correlation between an artist doing or saying something suspicious or even downright bigoted and the resulting revenue change. A band can be the hottest thing on the black metal scene, then boom: their lead singer does a Hitler salute at a festival in Germany. It can be an absolute nightmare for those of us employed to smooth out profit margins with our merch distributors.”

At press time, Straub had wandered over to a nearby merch tent and purchased an Inquisition shirt because he liked the artwork, figuring any further preliminary research would be unnecessary.

Hellcat Records’ Entire Roster Exposed as Just The Interrupters Wearing Different Colored Fred Perry Shirts

Posted on by Matt Oriente

LOS ANGELES — Former Hellcat Records intern Alexis Merz revealed that the entire band roster consists of The Interrupters dressed in variously colored Fred Perry shirts, confirmed shocked sources.

“It’s been sort of a known secret within the label,” explained Merz. “But for those new to the label, like I was at the time, you start to notice the little things, like the singer of a freshly signed band sounds a lot like Aimee [Allen] Interrupter, but you shake it off because Aimee, and a lot of the bands on this label, all sound like someone doing a Tim Armstrong impression. Hell, I was even mistaken for the bassist of HorrorPops because I wore a Fred Perry shirt. I’ve been sticking with Penguin polos ever since.”

Allen, the lead singer of The Interrupters, explained that there was never any intent to deceive.

“It just kind of just happened,” said Allen. “I remember going into pre-production on our first album, which Tim [Armstrong] produced. We had meetings with Tim and we noticed after the second meeting after playing a song for him he’d ask why we were covering an Interrupters track and to play something original. Naive as we were, we thought this was part of his process. By the end of the meeting, we’d have another contract to sign, with some random band name on it, like Charged GBH or Rat Boy. We soon realized this could be pretty lucrative, so every few meetings, we’d just show up in different colored Fred Perry shirts and Groucho glasses, and we’d have another record contract. No one was stopping us.”

Co-founder of Hellcat Records, Brett Gurewitz, tried to prevent Armstrong from continually resigning The Interrupters.

“After the Interrupters received their fourth record contract, we pulled Tim aside and asked him if he knew that they were pulling a fast one. He’d looked at us like we were idiots, aggressively mumbled something about ‘his crew’ and ‘Travis Barker’ and just left. Nothing resolved. I’m pretty sure he threatened us that day, but I can never understand him. The upside was, the records would sell, so we let it continue. Tim’s either a genius or only really associates people based on the color of their pique polo.”

At press time, Hellcats Records has pledged to improve and has appointed a DEI leader to diversify its roster and donated 100 Fred Perry shirts to Lars Frederiksen.

Opinion: If Green Day Is Considered “Punk,” Then I Should Be Considered Mentally Fit Enough for Visitation Rights

Posted on by Trevor Hazell

It’s the age old debate for us millennial punks; what is Green Day’s current standing in our fine culture? Most naysayers point to their sophomore album “Kerplunk” which began to draw the attention of major record companies as the moment they forsake their patch and sold out for the almighty dollar. Green Day unequivocally changed the punk genre with their mainstream debut, but was it for better or worse? It depends on who you ask. No matter what side you’re on though, we can all agree on one thing: if Green Day is still considered punk, then I should be granted visitation rights with my kids.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Uh, Green Day is Pop Punk at best!” That may be so, but would we stand by and claim Buffalo Springfield isn’t rock simply because of their folk influence? Is Creed not post-grunge just because they’re horny for Jesus? And am I guilty of stalking and menacing my ex simply because she lives on the street I insist on taking to work each day? I defy you to stand before a judge and claim otherwise, because I’ve done just that and it did not work out in my favor.

Those in the San Francisco punk scene in the early 90s led the crusade against the band, their signing with Reprise Records being the catalyst. But even after being banned from their home club of Gilman for “selling out,” Green Day refused to never not embrace who they were, just as I did after every bar in a 10 mile radius banned me and labeled me a menace to society.

Many still consider financial success to be the hard line of punk stardom that should not be crossed. But despite my ex-wife’s similar attempts to keep me down with superfluous child support payments, I will not rest until the world at large acknowledges that Green Day can still be Punk despite me not being allowed to deliver my son his birthday present in person.

If being successful doing what you love is “selling out,” then sure, I’m guilty of selling out, specifically opioids out of my truck behind the local Wawa. But if Green Day can still exist in Punk culture after abandoning their anti-capitalist ideals, then there’s no reason my multiple “brandishing a firearm” road-rage incidents should disallow me from being a father.

So this is my final plea to the punk community and Judge Arthur Makinsky of the Gilchrist County Courthouse. Would you put my children through the same pain of missing their father that Billie Joe Armstrong endured? Let us avoid another “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by making things right: by legally forcing my children to spend time with me.

Trapt Show a Real “Who’s Who” of the Flat Earther Community

Posted on by Laura Lewis

BALTIMORE — Several prominent public figures within the ”flat-earther” community recently attended the same Trapt concert, confirmed multiple sources.

“Everybody’s here tonight,” said avid Trapt devotee and noted conspiracy theorist Jason Boutchyard. “I would say I’m starstruck, if I believed in stars. Like, over there is Greg Sumpolec—he’s the guy who first penned the ice wall theory way back in 2007. And you see right next to him, with the soul patch and the barbed wire neck tattoo? That’s Zach Smith, the genius behind the podcast Equator Hater.’ See, this is what I love about Trapt shows, it’s a built-in forum for intelligent people to connect with each other and share ideas about the government’s lies, like ‘climate change’ or ‘sunsets.’ I’m grateful NASA hasn’t hid Trapt from us the way they hide God.”

Other attendees and those working the show shared Boutchyard’s enthusiasm.

“I‘ve known the earth is flat for over a decade now, and it’s all thanks to Trapt,” recalled roadie Samuel Hicks. “One day I was just going buckwild to ‘Headstrong’ in my room, and it finally clicked for me. The truth was circling, circling, circling my head, like the fallacy of the earth circling the sun. I looked at the pattern I’d punched in my drywall and realized it was a flat square.”

Dr. Lorraine Zaltzman, Professor of Astronomy at the University of Maryland, gave her expert opinion.

“Flat-earthers are certainly a ‘stand up’ community,” remarked a chuckling Zaltzman. “Our campus events are consistently protested by the local Trapt fanbase, where they accuse us of peddling lies about the shape and movement of the earth and other planets. I don’t know what the connection is exactly, but in my experience, the Venn diagram of Trapt fans and flat-earth conspiracy theorists is, well, a circle.”

As of press time, several notable flat-earthers signed autographs for eager show attendees, as well as the band members themselves.

Photo by Roberta.

News Media Struggling To Report Why Gunman Targeted Wealthy CEO Instead of Lashing Out at Immigrants or Women

Posted on by Cody Arbor

NEW YORK — Media outlets are still scrambling to give comprehensible coverage of what they are calling the most baffling, seemingly unmotivated crime story of the century—the shooting of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, a wealthy white man born on U.S. soil—days after the incident, insider sources confirm.

“In all my years telling people what to be afraid of I’ve never seen anything like this,” said CNN breaking news editor Arthur Helm, looking unkempt while holding a shacky styrofoam cup of coffee. “The whole thing has shattered my psyche if I’m being honest. I tried to schedule an extra session with my therapist, but my insurance wouldn’t cover it. Anyway, our best guess at this point is that the crime was part of a satanic ritual requiring a totally random human sacrifice, but we can’t run that! Can we?”

While maintaining composure on camera, the sight of major network anchors visibly shaking in break rooms or crying alone in their cars have become commonplace in the face of this, a major violent crime that appears to have nothing to do with xenophobia or misogyny.

“My job used to be so simple,” confided one anchor who chose to remain anonymous. “Say there’s a wildfire in California, right? Well, blame immigrants and antifa! But this? How am I supposed to face the nation and assure them that the murder of a man singlehandedly responsible for their loved ones not receiving the best possible medical care every day is anything but random chaos?”

While both the media and law enforcement are at a loss to what the motive behind this crime could be, sociologist and frequent network news talking head Olivia McHarris believes she has the answer.

“Well isn’t it obvious? Due to political and economic disillusionment, people have gone insane and started doing things that don’t make any sense, instead of fearing immigrants and hating women,” said McHarris. “It’s almost as if people are fed up with the billionaire class. But that can’t be it.”

Sources within Fox News have confirmed that their coverage will soon pivot to labelling the shooting “A freak accident.”

Billy Corgan Exits Joe Rogan Podcast Interview Convinced World is a Flat Vampire

Posted on by Matt Husser

AUSTIN, Texas — Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan left his recent interview on the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast convinced that the world is a flat vampire, baffled sources confirmed.

“I don’t know how I never saw it before, but it’s so obvious now. I’ve always known the world is a vampire because it just sucks us all dry, but now I question all the science that makes us believe the world is a sphere. But I guess that means the vampire must also be flat. I’ve gotta tell James Iha, we need to follow up ‘Aghori Mhori Mei’ with a concept album about Flat Vampire Theory,” said a bleary-eyed Corgan. “Joe really opened my eyes to the true nature of the world, and I’m starting to think that the star nymph on the cover of ‘Mellon Collie’ never landed on the moon, either.”

Host Joe Rogan continued to explain Flat Vampire Theory despite the interview being long over.

“Have you ever seen a vampire? Of course not, because they operate on a two-dimensional plane of existence, man, that’s why we can’t observe them. Jamie, pull up a picture of a vampire,” said Rogan, unaware that Jamie left hours ago. “See? The vampire on the TV doesn’t even cast a shadow, proving it’s flat. It really makes you think about what else we don’t know about the supernatural world. Like when a werewolf transforms, does his human hog turn into a little red dog dick or what? I gotta text Billy about that one.”

Smashing Pumpkins superfan Ben Johnson was struggling to wrap his head around the ramifications of the two-dimensional revelation.

“I’m just left with so many questions now, I always thought the ‘vampire’ was a metaphor for the system draining the life out of the masses. But there’s an actual vampire, and he’s…the flat Earth?” said a puzzled Johnson, examining the liner notes of his copy of “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.” “If the sadness is infinite,I’m not ever sure how there can be any other emotions anymore. Is there room left in the universe for rage, despite being a rat in a cage? And what the fuck was the deal with that song on the Batman & Robin Soundtrack?”

At press time, Johnson’s family had an intervention after discovering a conspiracy corkboard filled with red yarn connecting “Zwan” conspiracies.